The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago. Some people believe the government should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces while others believe military services should be maintained in case of emergencies. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago. Some people believe the government should stop spending large amounts of money on their armed forces while others believe military services should be maintained in case of emergencies. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Compared to centuries ago, there has been greater security in the modern world, which leads to a view proposed by some individuals that a huge investment in national defense is no longer strictly necessary for their countries. However, another group of people puts forward the opinion that the budget spent on national military is important for minimizing global security threats. **This essay aims to analyze both perspectives, and I am in agreement with the former view.**
On the one hand, the importance of **the investment in armed forces** should not be overlooked, as it can ensure the safety of countries and their residents. From the diplomatic perspective, though it is evident that countries are constantly striving for global peace, building a mighty national defense is also essential, which can serve as a deterrent from potential political threats on an international level. Countries with robust armed forces are more likely to protect their people from destructive effects of war, thereby guaranteeing the safety and well-being of citizens. However, despite the significance of national military strength, the excessive allocation to this area may reduce funding or even deprive other important social aspects such as education or healthcare of financial support from the government to advance, adversely impacting the overall social development and residential well-being.
On the other hand, I would side with the other group on the view that military services may not necessarily require excessive funding. The first reason for this claim is that it is advisable for the government to prioritize their budget to resolving more urgent social problems. For instance, unemployment is a pressing issue that exerts a negative impact on the economic stability and the quality of life of residents. The distribution of budget to job creation or professional development programs can help increase job opportunities and employment skills for workers, thereby possibly reducing poverty rates and alleviating the hardships in people’s lives. Another rationale is that more investment is needed to further enhance current developing social sectors. Critical areas including education and medical care need to be increasingly incentivized as they are the decisive factors for future developments. While high-quality education is beneficial to nurture talents to promote the country, the investment in healthcare can help ensure the community health to prolong residents’ life expectancy, contributing to their long-term happiness.
In conclusion, despite the need to invest in armed forces to maintain national security, I would voice the same opinion with some others that the state budget should also be distributed to other critical areas in order to help solve current pressing matters and enhance their countries in a comprehensive manner.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Compared to centuries ago" -> "Compared to previous centuries"
Explanation: "Previous centuries" is a more precise and formal way to refer to past time periods, enhancing the academic tone of the essay. -
"a huge investment" -> "substantial investment"
Explanation: "Substantial" is a more formal and precise term than "huge," which can sound colloquial and vague in academic writing. -
"no longer strictly necessary" -> "no longer essential"
Explanation: "Essential" is a more formal synonym for "strictly necessary," aligning better with academic language. -
"the budget spent on national military" -> "the allocation of funds to national defense"
Explanation: "Allocation of funds" is a more precise and formal term than "budget spent," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"the investment in armed forces" -> "the allocation of resources to the military"
Explanation: "Allocation of resources" is a more formal and precise term than "investment in armed forces," which can be seen as overly broad. -
"can ensure the safety of countries and their residents" -> "can safeguard the security of nations and their citizens"
Explanation: "Safeguard" and "security" are more specific and formal terms than "ensure" and "safety," and "nations" and "citizens" are more formal than "countries" and "residents." -
"building a mighty national defense" -> "establishing a robust national defense"
Explanation: "Establishing" is a more formal verb than "building," and "robust" is a more precise adjective than "mighty," which can sound overly dramatic. -
"adversely impacting the overall social development" -> "negatively affecting overall societal development"
Explanation: "Negatively affecting" is a more precise and formal expression than "adversely impacting," and "societal" is preferred over "social" in formal academic contexts. -
"I would side with the other group on the view" -> "I concur with the opposing viewpoint"
Explanation: "Concur with the opposing viewpoint" is a more formal and precise way to express agreement with an opposing perspective. -
"it is advisable for the government to prioritize their budget" -> "it is advisable for governments to prioritize their budgets"
Explanation: "Governments" is the correct plural form when referring to multiple governments, and "budgets" is more appropriate than "budget" to generalize the concept. -
"job creation or professional development programs" -> "job creation and professional development initiatives"
Explanation: "Initiatives" is a more formal term than "programs," and "and" is preferred over "or" to indicate a conjunction of two equal alternatives. -
"high-quality education is beneficial to nurture talents" -> "high-quality education is essential for nurturing talent"
Explanation: "Essential for nurturing talent" is a more formal and precise expression than "beneficial to nurture talents," which is slightly awkward and less formal. -
"the investment in healthcare can help ensure the community health" -> "investment in healthcare can promote community health"
Explanation: "Promote" is a more precise and formal verb than "help ensure," and "community health" is a more standard phrase than "the community health."
These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding military spending, presenting the views of those who support continued investment in armed forces and those who advocate for reallocating funds to social issues. The introduction clearly outlines the topic and states the writer’s position, which is consistent throughout the essay. The discussion on the importance of military investment is balanced with a strong argument for prioritizing social issues, fulfilling the requirement to discuss both views.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could provide more specific examples or statistics to support the claims made about military spending and social issues. Including real-world examples of countries that have successfully redirected military funds to social programs could strengthen the argument for the latter view.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring the reduction of military spending in favor of addressing social issues. The writer consistently aligns with this viewpoint, particularly in the second half of the essay where the arguments for prioritizing social problems are articulated. However, the transition between discussing the two views could be more explicit to reinforce the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use more transitional phrases that explicitly connect the discussion of military spending to the proposed social investments. Phrases like "In contrast" or "Conversely" can help clarify the shift in focus and reinforce the overall argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several key ideas, such as the necessity of military investment for national security and the importance of addressing social issues like unemployment and healthcare. Each idea is extended with explanations and examples, particularly the discussion on how reallocating funds could benefit society. However, some points could be more thoroughly supported with additional evidence or examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to include more specific examples or case studies that illustrate the positive impact of investing in social programs. For instance, citing a specific country that has successfully reduced military spending and improved social services could provide a stronger foundation for the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the prompt throughout, discussing both views and providing a clear opinion. The writer does not deviate from the topic, ensuring that all content is relevant to the discussion of military spending versus social investment. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing unrelated ideas.
- How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, ensuring that each paragraph directly ties back to the main argument can further strengthen the focus. The writer could reiterate the relevance of each point to the overall discussion more explicitly, ensuring that the reader understands how each argument contributes to the central thesis.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and effectively communicates the writer’s position while addressing both sides of the argument. With some enhancements in the areas of evidence and clarity, the essay could achieve an even higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two opposing views and the author’s stance. Each paragraph addresses a specific perspective, with the first paragraph discussing the importance of military investment and the second arguing against excessive funding. The logical flow is generally maintained, with ideas building on one another. However, the transition between the two viewpoints could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing military investment to addressing social issues could benefit from a more explicit linking sentence that emphasizes the contrast between the two perspectives.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate shifts in perspective. For example, phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast" can help signal to the reader that a different viewpoint is being introduced. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct viewpoint. The introduction and conclusion are also clearly defined. However, the second paragraph could be further divided into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the importance of military spending and the other on the potential drawbacks of excessive military funding. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider the complexity of the ideas being presented. If a paragraph contains multiple ideas or arguments, it may be beneficial to split it into smaller paragraphs, each with a clear focus. This not only enhances readability but also allows for a more thorough examination of each point.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "on the one hand," and "on the other hand," which help to connect ideas and contrast viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For example, while the essay uses some basic linking words, it lacks more varied devices that could enhance the flow of ideas, such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases throughout the essay. This could include using synonyms or alternative expressions to avoid repetition. Additionally, consider employing cohesive devices that indicate cause and effect, comparison, or emphasis, which can help to create a more nuanced and sophisticated argument.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions could elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the argument, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "greater security," "huge investment," "national defense," and "global peace." The use of terms like "diplomatic perspective," "deterrent," and "residential well-being" showcases an ability to convey complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "investment" and "military" could be replaced with synonyms or related terms to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related phrases to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "investment," you could use "allocation," "funding," or "expenditure." Additionally, employing more varied adjectives and adverbs could enrich the text. For example, instead of "excessive allocation," you might say "disproportionate funding."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "the excessive allocation to this area may reduce funding" could be misinterpreted; it might be clearer to specify "the excessive allocation of military funding may divert resources from other essential services." The term "residential well-being" is somewhat vague and could be replaced with a more precise term like "community welfare" or "public well-being."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on clarity in word choice. When discussing complex ideas, ensure that the terms used convey the intended meaning without ambiguity. For example, instead of "the budget spent on national military," consider "the budget allocated to national defense forces." This specificity helps clarify the subject matter and strengthens the argument.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "unemployment," "economic stability," and "life expectancy" are correctly spelled, contributing to the overall professionalism of the writing. This level of accuracy is essential for achieving a higher band score.
- How to improve: While spelling is already strong, continued practice with commonly misspelled words and reviewing vocabulary lists can help maintain this level of accuracy. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can catch any potential errors that may arise from typographical mistakes or oversight.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, with room for improvement in vocabulary range and precision. By incorporating more varied vocabulary and ensuring clarity in word choice, the writer can enhance the effectiveness of their arguments and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of various sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "which leads to a view proposed by some individuals" and "the excessive allocation to this area may reduce funding or even deprive other important social aspects" showcase the use of relative clauses and conditional structures effectively. The writer also employs a mix of simple and complex sentences, which contributes to the overall fluency of the text. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied; for instance, the use of introductory phrases could be expanded to enhance the flow and engagement of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, such as "In light of this," or "Considering the implications of this," to begin paragraphs. Additionally, using more passive constructions or inversion could add variety. For example, instead of "the government should stop spending large amounts of money," the writer could say, "Large amounts of money should not be spent by the government." This would enhance the complexity of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors present. For example, the phrase "the budget spent on national military is important for minimizing global security threats" is grammatically correct. However, there are minor issues with punctuation and article usage, such as "the investment in armed forces" where "the" might be omitted for a more general statement. Additionally, the phrase "the excessive allocation to this area may reduce funding or even deprive other important social aspects" could benefit from clearer punctuation, perhaps by breaking it into two sentences for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation, the writer should review the use of articles and consider whether they are necessary in certain contexts. Practicing sentence segmentation can also help clarify complex ideas. For example, breaking long sentences into shorter ones can enhance readability. Furthermore, the writer should pay attention to comma usage, especially in complex sentences, to ensure that clauses are properly separated and the meaning remains clear.
Overall, while the essay is strong in terms of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on further diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to an even higher level.
Bài sửa mẫu
Compared to previous centuries, there has been greater security in the modern world, leading some individuals to argue that substantial investment in national defense is no longer essential for their countries. However, another group contends that funding allocated to military services is crucial for minimizing global security threats. This essay aims to analyze both perspectives, and I concur with the former view.
On the one hand, the importance of investment in armed forces should not be overlooked, as it can safeguard the security of nations and their citizens. From a diplomatic perspective, although it is evident that countries are constantly striving for global peace, establishing a robust national defense is also essential, serving as a deterrent against potential political threats on an international level. Countries with strong armed forces are more likely to protect their people from the destructive effects of war, thereby ensuring the safety and well-being of their citizens. However, despite the significance of national military strength, excessive allocation of funds to national defense may reduce financial support for other crucial social sectors, such as education and healthcare, adversely affecting overall societal development and residents’ well-being.
On the other hand, I align with the viewpoint that military services may not necessarily require excessive funding. The first reason for this claim is that it is advisable for governments to prioritize their budgets to address more urgent social issues. For instance, unemployment is a pressing concern that negatively impacts economic stability and the quality of life for residents. The allocation of resources to job creation or professional development initiatives can help increase employment opportunities and enhance workers’ skills, thereby potentially reducing poverty rates and alleviating hardships in people’s lives. Another rationale is that more investment is needed to further develop current social sectors. Critical areas, including education and healthcare, require increased funding as they are decisive factors for future progress. While high-quality education is essential for nurturing talent to promote the country, investment in healthcare can enhance community health, prolonging residents’ life expectancy and contributing to their long-term happiness.
In conclusion, despite the need to invest in armed forces to maintain national security, I share the opinion of many others that the state budget should also be allocated to other critical areas to address current pressing matters and enhance their countries in a comprehensive manner.