There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, many people put the pressure on their children that they have to master in academic subjects. While the others believe that besides many academic subjects, children should take part in study non-academic subjects. In my opinion, I totally disagree with the student spend to much time on academic subjects.
On the one hand, for children have genertic good at study academic subjects, studying this subjects was not a problem when solve a challenging excercise only require around 10 to 20 minutes and very straight forward. Besides that, join in competition of the mathematics, Olympiad for Maths and finally bring a gold medal not only make them feel extremely pround but also the money from school, competition's organizer.
On the other hand, there are still many reasons why students should attend in the non-academic subjects such as cookey, making DIY and many useful activities. First, academic class never can provide the environment that children can reduce their stress, pressure, anxiety and make new friends in extra class special for DIY. Making a new toys or manufactorings can bring them a feeling of joyful, funny between new friends, build their strengthen and learn new skills. Second, many activities require the though-provoking, from make a small electric car, pain a picture in their imagine, children can use this for find a new field in their life, a new hobby or especially this is an opportunity of new career like a inferior deginer, engineering in the future.
In conclusion, both non-academic and academic subjects play a important role in society and school. However, I still believe that children should be give the chance for developing new skills.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "put the pressure on their children" -> "place expectations on their children"
    Explanation: Replacing "put the pressure on their children" with "place expectations on their children" enhances the formality of the expression and avoids the colloquial use of "put the pressure."

  2. "master in academic subjects" -> "excel in academic subjects"
    Explanation: Substituting "master in academic subjects" with "excel in academic subjects" is more academically precise and conveys a higher level of achievement.

  3. "take part in study non-academic subjects" -> "participate in non-academic subjects"
    Explanation: Changing "take part in study non-academic subjects" to "participate in non-academic subjects" maintains clarity and follows a more standard usage.

  4. "I totally disagree with the student spend to much time on academic subjects." -> "I strongly disagree with students spending too much time on academic subjects."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks proper subject-verb agreement and is unclear. The suggested revision corrects the structure and provides a clearer expression of the disagreement.

  5. "have genertic good at study academic subjects" -> "have a natural aptitude for studying academic subjects"
    Explanation: The phrase "have genertic good at study academic subjects" is grammatically incorrect. The suggested alternative uses more precise and formal language.

  6. "this subjects" -> "these subjects"
    Explanation: Correcting the pronoun from "this" to "these" ensures grammatical agreement with the plural noun "subjects."

  7. "challenging excercise" -> "challenging exercise"
    Explanation: The correct spelling is "exercise," and this change improves the accuracy and formality of the sentence.

  8. "very straight forward" -> "quite straightforward"
    Explanation: Replacing "very straight forward" with "quite straightforward" adds a level of sophistication to the language.

  9. "feel extremely pround" -> "feel immensely proud"
    Explanation: Substituting "feel extremely pround" with "feel immensely proud" uses a more formal and precise adjective.

  10. "the money from school" -> "financial rewards from the school"
    Explanation: Adding "financial rewards" provides a clearer understanding of the benefits obtained from the school.

  11. "non-academic subjects such as cookey" -> "non-academic subjects such as culinary arts"
    Explanation: "Cookey" is not a recognized term; replacing it with "culinary arts" improves clarity and maintains formality.

  12. "many useful activities" -> "various enriching activities"
    Explanation: Substituting "many useful activities" with "various enriching activities" adds a level of sophistication to the language.

  13. "never can provide the environment" -> "cannot provide the environment"
    Explanation: Changing "never can provide" to "cannot provide" corrects the negative structure and improves grammatical accuracy.

  14. "stress, pressure, anxiety" -> "stress, pressure, and anxiety"
    Explanation: Adding "and" ensures proper parallelism in the list of negative emotions.

  15. "joyful, funny" -> "joyful and enjoyable"
    Explanation: Replacing "joyful, funny" with "joyful and enjoyable" maintains a positive tone while using more formal language.

  16. "build their strengthen" -> "build their strength"
    Explanation: Correcting "build their strengthen" to "build their strength" ensures proper word usage and improves clarity.

  17. "require the though-provoking" -> "involve thought-provoking"
    Explanation: Changing "require the though-provoking" to "involve thought-provoking" improves the phrasing and maintains formality.

  18. "pain a picture" -> "paint a picture"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling from "pain" to "paint" ensures accuracy and clarity.

  19. "inferior deginer" -> "aspiring designer"
    Explanation: "Inferior deginer" is unclear and may be a typographical error. The suggested alternative, "aspiring designer," is more precise and formal.

  20. "both non-academic and academic subjects play a important role" -> "Both non-academic and academic subjects play an important role"
    Explanation: Correcting the article from "a" to "an" ensures grammatical correctness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, discussing the pressure on children to excel academically and presenting the idea that non-academic subjects are valuable. However, the response is somewhat unclear due to language issues, and the organization of ideas could be improved for better coherence.

    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should focus on expressing ideas more clearly. It’s crucial to provide a direct response to each part of the prompt, ensuring that the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are well-structured and aligned with the main theme.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to present a clear position against spending too much time on academic subjects, the language and organization issues make the stance less evident. There are instances where the essay seems to support academic success.

    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should consistently express and support their viewpoint throughout the essay. This can be achieved through careful choice of language and a more organized structure that reinforces the main argument.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. For example, the argument supporting academic subjects focuses on quick problem-solving and competition success, but it lacks elaboration and concrete examples. Similarly, the non-academic side is mentioned, but the ideas are not well-extended or supported with specific details.

    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations to support each point. This will help in demonstrating a deeper understanding of the topic and contribute to a more convincing argument.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic and includes irrelevant details. For instance, the mention of making a small electric car and painting a picture seems disconnected from the overall argument about academic and non-academic subjects.

    • How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should ensure that every point directly relates to the central theme. Irrelevant details can be omitted to maintain focus and coherence.

In conclusion, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, there are notable language issues, lack of clarity in expressing a consistent position, insufficient development of ideas, and occasional deviations from the main topic. Improving clarity, organization, and providing more detailed and relevant examples will contribute to a more effective response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear introduction with a thesis statement, making it challenging for the reader to understand the author’s stance. The organization of ideas is somewhat confusing. The transition between the two main points (academic and non-academic subjects) could be smoother. For instance, the abrupt shift from discussing academic achievements to the benefits of non-academic activities needs a more seamless connection.
    • How to improve: Begin the essay with a concise introduction that clearly states the author’s position on the issue. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs by using connecting phrases or sentences. Develop a more structured and organized flow of ideas. Consider having separate paragraphs for presenting arguments supporting academic subjects and non-academic subjects.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay has paragraphs, but their structure could be improved for better coherence. Paragraphs lack a clear topic sentence, and ideas within paragraphs are not consistently developed. Some ideas are presented together, creating confusion.
    • How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and develops it coherently. Consider separating the discussion of academic subjects and non-academic subjects into distinct paragraphs to enhance clarity.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, but their effectiveness is limited. There is a lack of variety in connecting words and phrases, resulting in a monotonous flow. Additionally, the relationship between sentences and ideas could be better established.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices, such as using transitional words and phrases (e.g., however, on the other hand, in conclusion) to enhance the coherence between sentences and ideas. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows the previous one, creating a smooth and connected narrative. Consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition.

In summary, while the essay presents some ideas coherently, there is room for improvement in overall organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Strengthening these aspects will enhance the essay’s clarity and make the author’s argument more persuasive.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use diverse words, but it lacks consistency. For instance, phrases like "genertic good at study," "challenge excercise," and "make a small electric car" could be replaced with more precise and varied terms. Additionally, the repetition of certain words, such as "subjects" and "children," slightly limits the breadth of vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider employing synonyms and more advanced vocabulary where appropriate. For example, instead of "genertic good at study," use "inherently proficient in academic pursuits." Also, be cautious of word repetition; try to use synonyms or rephrase sentences to avoid redundancy.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits imprecise vocabulary in several instances. For example, "reduce their stress, pressure, anxiety" could be more precisely described as "alleviate stress, mitigate pressure, and alleviate anxiety." Additionally, the term "inferior deginer" appears to be a misunderstanding or misuse; the intended term might be "interior designer."
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Review your essay for instances where more precise terminology can replace general terms. If uncertain about a term, consider consulting a dictionary or thesaurus to ensure accurate usage.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "cookey" instead of "cooking," "genertic" instead of "inherently," and "deginer" instead of "designer." These errors detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Prioritize thorough proofreading to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize spell-check tools and take the time to carefully review each word. Reading the essay aloud can also help in identifying and rectifying spelling mistakes. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to catch any overlooked errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay primarily relies on basic sentence structures, and there is a limited variety in sentence formation. Simple sentences dominate the essay, with occasional attempts at compound structures. There is a noticeable lack of complex sentence structures or varied sentence beginnings.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, the writer should incorporate a more diverse range of sentence structures. Experiment with complex and compound-complex sentences to convey ideas more effectively. Introduce variety by using different sentence beginnings and lengths, which will contribute to a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical issues, including errors in subject-verb agreement ("the student spend"), unclear antecedents ("this subjects"), and awkward phrasing ("manufactorings"). Punctuation is also problematic, with inconsistent comma usage and occasional run-on sentences.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to carefully proofread for subject-verb agreement and ensure clarity in pronoun references. Additionally, the writer should pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly in the correct use of commas and avoiding run-on sentences. A more comprehensive understanding of sentence structure will contribute to overall grammatical accuracy.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear stance on the prompt, the limited grammatical range and accuracy impact the overall clarity and sophistication of the writing. Incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical issues will significantly enhance the essay’s overall quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, there is a prevailing trend where parents place expectations on their children to excel in academic subjects. Simultaneously, some argue that students should also participate in non-academic subjects like physical education and cookery. I strongly disagree with the notion of students spending too much time on academic subjects.

On one hand, if children have a natural aptitude for studying academic subjects, tackling challenging exercises is not a daunting task. Solving problems may only require 10 to 20 minutes, making it quite straightforward. Moreover, participating in academic competitions, such as the Mathematics Olympiad, can bring immense pride to students. Winning a gold medal not only boosts their self-esteem but also brings financial rewards from the school and competition organizers.

On the other hand, there are compelling reasons why students should engage in non-academic subjects, such as culinary arts and various enriching activities. Academic classes cannot always provide the environment necessary for children to alleviate stress, pressure, and anxiety. In extracurricular classes, specifically designed for non-academic pursuits like DIY projects, students can make new friends while enjoying joyful and enjoyable experiences. Creating new toys or engaging in manufacturing not only fosters a sense of camaraderie with new friends but also helps build their strength and acquire new skills.

Furthermore, non-academic activities often involve thought-provoking tasks. From crafting a small electric car to painting a picture based on their imagination, children can use these experiences to explore new fields in life, discover new hobbies, or even find opportunities for future careers, such as becoming an aspiring designer or engineer.

In conclusion, both non-academic and academic subjects play important roles in society and schools. However, I firmly believe that children should be given the chance to develop new skills through a balanced approach that includes both types of subjects.

Bài viết liên quan

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects equally, whereas other people think that they should concentrate on only those subjects that they find interesting and they are best at. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects…

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *