These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
These days more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
In a digital era, there is no denying that men spend most of their time nurturing and caring for their children, while women tend to be the breadwinners for families. This essay will examine some primary causes of this issue before giving my own stance.
To begin with, there are various reasons that lead to the aforementioned problem. Firstly, when it comes to individual preferences, it is undeniable that fathers have a strong desire to be involved in their children's upbringing, which plays an integral part in fostering the relationship among dads and their offspring. Therefore, they are determined to be homemakers in order to have a great deal of bonding time with their children rather than focusing predominantly on the workplace. Additionally, it is apparent that some countries are now likely to launch numerous policies that incentivize couples to share financial burdens with each other. Particularly, in China, the president enacted a law that encourages women to prioritize their careers, which can be viewed as a foundation for an increase in the number of men being responsible for raising their kids.
Candidly, in my opinion, I do believe that this problem brings beneficial influences to not only families but also communities. Regarding households, as mentioned earlier, if fathers spend most of their time with their offspring, this plays an important role in bringing family members together. By having a large amount of leisure time with their families, men can have a comprehensive understanding of how to sympathize and empathize with their children in several circumstances, such as study and hobbies. As a result, they themselves can boost their children-father relationship. Another positive impact might be the rise in social equality. In the past, people tended to have a strong discrimination in the roles among men and women in their families. Specifically, while the family's finances came primarily from the father's job, mothers just stayed at home and took care of their sons and daughters. By equalizing the role of parents in the family, this can help decrease prejudices in society.
In conclusion, besides several reasons, personal preferences and policies are two main ones that result in an increase in the number of men stopping their work to take charge of household duties. Moreover, this can have advantageous effects on families and societies.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"men spend most of their time nurturing and caring for their children" -> "men devote considerable time to nurturing and caring for their children"
Explanation: "Devote considerable time" is a more formal and precise phrase than "spend most of their time," which sounds somewhat colloquial and vague in an academic context. -
"women tend to be the breadwinners for families" -> "women often serve as the primary breadwinners for families"
Explanation: "Serve as the primary breadwinners" is a more formal and specific expression than "tend to be the breadwinners," which is somewhat informal and imprecise. -
"some primary causes of this issue" -> "some key factors contributing to this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Key factors contributing to this phenomenon" is more academically precise and formal than "primary causes of this issue," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"it is undeniable that fathers have a strong desire" -> "it is evident that fathers have a strong desire"
Explanation: "It is evident" is a more formal alternative to "it is undeniable," which can sound overly assertive and less academic. -
"plays an integral part in fostering the relationship among dads and their offspring" -> "plays a crucial role in fostering the relationship between fathers and their offspring"
Explanation: "Crucial role" is more precise and formal than "integral part," and "between fathers and their offspring" is grammatically correct compared to "among dads and their offspring." -
"determined to be homemakers" -> "determined to assume homemaking responsibilities"
Explanation: "Assume homemaking responsibilities" is a more formal and precise term than "be homemakers," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"have a great deal of bonding time" -> "spend considerable time bonding"
Explanation: "Spend considerable time bonding" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea compared to "have a great deal of bonding time." -
"launch numerous policies" -> "introduce various policies"
Explanation: "Introduce various policies" is a more formal and precise term than "launch numerous policies," which can sound slightly informal. -
"encourages women to prioritize their careers" -> "encourages women to prioritize their professional development"
Explanation: "Professional development" is a more formal and encompassing term than "careers," which can be too narrow and informal for academic writing. -
"I do believe" -> "I believe"
Explanation: "I believe" is sufficient and more direct in academic writing, avoiding the unnecessary "do" which can make the statement sound less assertive. -
"this problem brings beneficial influences" -> "this phenomenon has beneficial effects"
Explanation: "Has beneficial effects" is a more formal and precise expression than "brings beneficial influences," which is less commonly used in academic contexts. -
"boost their children-father relationship" -> "strengthen their relationships with their children"
Explanation: "Strengthen their relationships with their children" is grammatically correct and more formal than "boost their children-father relationship," which is awkward and informal. -
"rise in social equality" -> "increase in social equality"
Explanation: "Increase in social equality" is a more standard and formal phrase than "rise in social equality," which is less commonly used in academic writing. -
"people tended to have a strong discrimination" -> "people often exhibited strong discrimination"
Explanation: "Exhibited strong discrimination" is more precise and formal than "had a strong discrimination," which is grammatically incorrect and awkward. -
"decrease prejudices in society" -> "reduce prejudices in society"
Explanation: "Reduce" is a more commonly used and academically appropriate term than "decrease" in this context, and it is more direct and formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It identifies reasons for the trend of fathers staying at home, such as individual preferences and supportive policies, and it discusses the positive implications of this trend for families and society. The mention of specific examples, like the policies in China, adds depth to the analysis.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include a more explicit discussion of potential negative aspects of this trend, as the prompt asks for an evaluation of whether it is a positive or negative development. This could provide a more balanced view and demonstrate critical thinking.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position throughout the essay, advocating for the positive aspects of fathers taking on more domestic responsibilities. Phrases like "I do believe that this problem brings beneficial influences" indicate a strong stance. However, the use of the term "problem" may create confusion, as the essay argues for the positive nature of the trend.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could rephrase "this problem" to "this trend" or "this development" to avoid any negative connotations. Additionally, reinforcing the position with a more definitive conclusion that reiterates the positive aspects would strengthen the argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and extends ideas well, particularly in discussing the emotional benefits of fathers being more involved in their children’s lives and the societal implications of shared parental roles. The use of specific examples, such as the bonding time between fathers and children and the reduction of gender discrimination, effectively supports the claims made.
- How to improve: To further enhance the support for ideas, the author could include statistical data or studies that illustrate the positive outcomes of fathers staying at home, such as improved child development metrics or societal changes. This would provide a more robust foundation for the arguments presented.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing the reasons for the trend and its implications. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt, particularly in the conclusion, which could reiterate the main points more clearly.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly ties back to the prompt. In the conclusion, summarizing the reasons and reiterating the positive aspects of the trend in a concise manner would reinforce the essay’s relevance to the prompt.
Overall, the essay demonstrates strong analytical skills and a clear understanding of the topic, meriting a high band score. With minor adjustments in balance, clarity, and support, it could achieve an even higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s intention to explore the reasons behind the trend of fathers staying at home. The body paragraphs are organized effectively, with the first paragraph discussing the reasons for this shift, such as individual preferences and policy changes, followed by a second paragraph that addresses the positive impacts of this trend. Each point is developed logically, with appropriate examples provided, such as the reference to China’s policies. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, particularly when moving from discussing reasons to the impacts.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer transitional phrases between sections. For example, after discussing the reasons, a phrase like "Having explored the reasons for this trend, it is now essential to consider its implications" could help guide the reader more effectively into the next section.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a clear paragraph structure, with distinct paragraphs for the introduction, reasons, and impacts. Each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, which is a strength. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of the paragraph. For instance, starting with a sentence that directly addresses the positive impacts of fathers staying at home would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraphing by ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which can help maintain focus and clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "to begin with," "firstly," "additionally," and "in conclusion," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For example, the use of "additionally" and "firstly" could be varied with alternatives like "furthermore" or "in addition" to enhance the richness of the text.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "additionally," consider using "Moreover," "Furthermore," or "On top of that." Additionally, using pronouns and synonyms can help maintain cohesion without sounding repetitive, such as referring back to "this trend" or "the shift" instead of repeating "fathers staying at home."
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially reaching a band score of 9.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "nurturing," "breadwinners," "integral part," and "financial burdens." These choices reflect an understanding of the topic and contribute to the clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "children" and "families" could be replaced with synonyms such as "offspring," "youth," or "households" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "fathers" and "mothers," consider using "parents" or "guardians" in different contexts. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help diversify word choice.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where word choice could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "strong desire to be involved" could be more succinctly expressed as "keen interest in participation." Additionally, the term "beneficial influences" could be better articulated as "positive impacts" for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey their intended meaning more clearly. Practicing paraphrasing and refining sentences can help sharpen vocabulary usage. For example, instead of saying "this can help decrease prejudices in society," the writer might say "this can reduce societal biases," which is more direct and impactful.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no glaring errors that detract from the overall readability. Words like "discrimination," "understanding," and "policies" are spelled correctly, which reflects a good command of English spelling conventions.
- How to improve: To maintain and further improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Using tools like spell checkers or writing software can help catch any minor errors. Additionally, reading widely can reinforce correct spelling through exposure to varied vocabulary in context.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a Band Score of 7. By focusing on expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound sentences. For example, the phrase "when it comes to individual preferences, it is undeniable that fathers have a strong desire to be involved in their children’s upbringing" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys the author’s point. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting several sentences with "it is" or "by," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer should experiment with different ways to begin sentences and incorporate more varied clause types. For instance, instead of starting with "it is" frequently, the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses, such as "Given the increasing involvement of fathers…" or "As society evolves, more fathers are taking on caregiving roles…". Additionally, varying the length and complexity of sentences can create a more engaging rhythm in the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "this problem brings beneficial influences to not only families but also communities" could be clearer if rephrased to "this trend has beneficial effects not only on families but also on communities." Additionally, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences that could enhance readability. For instance, "Candidly, in my opinion, I do believe that this problem brings beneficial influences…" could be streamlined for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review the rules for complex sentence construction and punctuation, particularly the use of commas in compound and complex sentences. Practicing sentence restructuring and ensuring that each clause is clearly delineated can help. Furthermore, proofreading for common grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage, will enhance the overall quality of the writing. Engaging in exercises that focus on these areas can also be beneficial.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In a digital era, there is no denying that men devote considerable time to nurturing and caring for their children, while women often serve as the primary breadwinners for families. This essay will examine some key factors contributing to this phenomenon before giving my own stance.
To begin with, there are various reasons that lead to the aforementioned issue. Firstly, when it comes to individual preferences, it is undeniable that fathers have a strong desire to be involved in their children’s upbringing, which plays an integral role in fostering the relationship between fathers and their offspring. Therefore, they are determined to assume homemaking responsibilities in order to spend considerable time bonding with their children rather than focusing predominantly on the workplace. Additionally, it is apparent that some countries are now likely to introduce various policies that incentivize couples to share financial burdens with each other. Particularly, in China, the president enacted a law that encourages women to prioritize their professional development, which can be viewed as a foundation for an increase in the number of men being responsible for raising their kids.
Candidly, in my opinion, I believe that this phenomenon has beneficial effects not only on families but also on communities. Regarding households, as mentioned earlier, if fathers spend most of their time with their offspring, this plays a crucial role in bringing family members together. By having a large amount of leisure time with their families, men can gain a comprehensive understanding of how to sympathize and empathize with their children in several circumstances, such as studies and hobbies. As a result, they themselves can strengthen their relationships with their children. Another positive impact might be the increase in social equality. In the past, people often exhibited strong discrimination in the roles among men and women in their families. Specifically, while the family’s finances came primarily from the father’s job, mothers just stayed at home and took care of their sons and daughters. By equalizing the role of parents in the family, this can help reduce prejudices in society.
In conclusion, besides several reasons, personal preferences and policies are two main ones that result in an increase in the number of men stopping their work to take charge of household duties. Moreover, this can have advantageous effects on families and societies.