These days there is no need to go to the live performance, for example shows or concerts, because what we can see on TV or computer screen is better. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed by some people not to attend live performances because they are available online. While I agree to this to some extent, I would argue that nothing is better than the other as they have both upside and downsizes.

On the other hand, live viewing provides excellent convenience for people to see bands or concerts without making much effort in traveling and queuing up for hours before the concert starts.This is especially true for busy people as they have many other things to do, or introvert ones who are not comfortable with being with a deafening crowd. Also, viewers can rerun their favorite parts multiple times, and it is often much affordable for buying recorded videos, instead of being charged a prohibitively costly price. For example, in Vietnam, the average ticket for BlackPink, a well-known kpop band, worth approximately 200 dollars, which is equivalent to a part-time job’s monthly salary.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that those aforementioned arguments would not be able to justify the superiority of a wholesome experience. When people go to live concerts or performances, they share the same emotion with each other. This facilitates bringing them closer and may end up striding up with new relationships, even some marriages or best friends are the result of this. Additionally, direct experience includes many different other aspects, such as seating and interaction with performers, which its online counterpart does not have. Therefore, it is unreasonable to conclude that we need not to go to a live performance.

In conclusion, whether people choose direct or indirect viewing is up to their availability and financial ability.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"It is believed by some people not to attend live performances" -> "Some individuals refrain from attending live performances"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured and lacks clarity. By rephrasing it to "Some individuals refrain from attending live performances," the sentence becomes more concise and formal, maintaining clarity of expression.
"nothing is better than the other as they have both upside and downsizes" -> "neither option is inherently superior as each has its own advantages and disadvantages"
Explanation: The phrase "nothing is better than the other" is overly simplistic and lacks nuance. Replacing it with "neither option is inherently superior" conveys the same meaning in a more formal and precise manner. Additionally, "upside and downsizes" should be corrected to "advantages and disadvantages" for clarity and correctness.
"live viewing provides excellent convenience" -> "attending live events offers exceptional convenience"
Explanation: "Live viewing" is a vague term that can be clarified as "attending live events." Replacing "provides excellent convenience" with "offers exceptional convenience" maintains the formality of the sentence while enhancing clarity and precision.
"bands or concerts" -> "musical acts or concerts"
Explanation: "Bands" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Musical acts" is a more formal alternative.
"This is especially true for busy people as they have many other things to do" -> "This holds particularly true for individuals with busy schedules, who often have numerous commitments"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and formality. By rephrasing it to "This holds particularly true for individuals with busy schedules, who often have numerous commitments," the sentence becomes more academically appropriate and clear.
"deafening crowd" -> "boisterous crowd"
Explanation: "Deafening crowd" is a bit informal. "Boisterous crowd" maintains formality while conveying a similar meaning.
"Also, viewers can rerun their favorite parts multiple times" -> "Additionally, viewers have the option to replay their favorite segments multiple times"
Explanation: "Also" is less formal than "Additionally." "Rerun" can be replaced with "replay" for clarity and formality.
"much affordable" -> "more affordable"
Explanation: "Much affordable" is grammatically incorrect. "More affordable" is the correct comparative form for "affordable."
"prohibitively costly price" -> "exorbitant cost"
Explanation: "Prohibitively costly price" is redundant and awkward. "Exorbitant cost" is a more concise and formal alternative.
"When people go to live concerts or performances" -> "Attending live concerts or performances"
Explanation: The original phrase is unnecessarily wordy. Simplifying it to "Attending live concerts or performances" maintains clarity and formality.
"they share the same emotion with each other" -> "they share emotions with one another"
Explanation: "The same emotion with each other" is redundant. "Emotions with one another" is more concise and formal.
"may end up striding up with new relationships" -> "may develop new relationships"
Explanation: "Striding up with new relationships" is awkward and informal. "Develop new relationships" is a clearer and more formal alternative.
"even some marriages or best friends are the result of this" -> "some marriages and lifelong friendships have originated from such interactions"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. By rephrasing it to "some marriages and lifelong friendships have originated from such interactions," the sentence becomes more formal and precise.
"which its online counterpart does not have" -> "which its online equivalent lacks"
Explanation: "Online counterpart" can be replaced with "online equivalent" for variety and clarity. Additionally, "does not have" can be replaced with "lacks" for conciseness and formality.
"Therefore, it is unreasonable to conclude that we need not to go to a live performance." -> "Thus, it would be unreasonable to conclude that attending live performances is unnecessary."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. By rephrasing it to "Thus, it would be unreasonable to conclude that attending live performances is unnecessary," the sentence becomes more concise and formal while maintaining clarity.
"whether people choose direct or indirect viewing" -> "whether individuals opt for live or remote viewing"
Explanation: "Direct or indirect viewing" is vague. "Live or remote viewing" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging the advantages of watching performances online while also emphasizing the unique benefits of attending live events. It discusses convenience, cost, emotional connection, social interaction, and personal experience related to live performances versus online viewing.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay could provide a more balanced analysis by exploring counterarguments in greater depth. Additionally, explicitly stating the writer’s stance in the introduction and conclusion would clarify the position.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by asserting that both live performances and online viewing have their own merits, without explicitly favoring one over the other. However, the conclusion slightly leans towards a neutral stance, emphasizing individual choice rather than reinforcing the writer’s perspective.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Strengthening the thesis statement to clearly indicate the writer’s viewpoint would enhance coherence and reader understanding.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with adequate development and support. It elaborates on the advantages of online viewing (convenience, affordability) and live performances (emotional connection, social interaction) with relevant examples and explanations. However, some ideas could be further extended or elaborated to provide more depth and insight.
- How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, the writer could provide additional examples or anecdotes to illustrate their points more vividly. Furthermore, elaborating on the downsides of both online and live viewing would offer a more comprehensive analysis and strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the question of whether live performances are still necessary in the age of online entertainment. It discusses the merits of both options and their relevance to modern audiences.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central theme of live versus online viewing. Avoiding tangential discussions and maintaining a clear connection to the prompt throughout the essay would strengthen coherence and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a clear introduction that presents the writer’s stance and outlines the main points to be discussed. Each body paragraph focuses on a different aspect of the argument, first discussing the advantages of live performances viewed online and then presenting the counterargument favoring live experiences. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer’s position. However, there is some room for improvement in the logical progression within paragraphs, particularly in ensuring that each idea flows smoothly into the next without abrupt transitions.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear structure with a topic sentence introducing the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Additionally, use transitional phrases to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, guiding the reader through the essay smoothly. For instance, in the second paragraph, transition phrases like "Furthermore" or "Moreover" could be employed to link ideas more seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to organize its ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there are some areas where paragraph structure could be strengthened for improved clarity and coherence. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the advantages of viewing live performances online but could benefit from a clearer topic sentence to indicate the main point of the paragraph.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea to be discussed. This will help the reader understand the purpose of each paragraph and follow the argument more easily. Additionally, consider using transition sentences at the end of paragraphs to smoothly lead into the next topic or point of discussion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. Examples include transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" and "In conclusion," which help to signal shifts between different points of argumentation. However, there is limited variation in the types of cohesive devices employed, and some transitions could be more effectively integrated to enhance the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to maintain reader engagement and facilitate smoother transitions between ideas. This could include incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "Nevertheless," or "Conversely," to provide nuanced connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure they are seamlessly integrated into the flow of the essay. For example, consider rephrasing sentences to incorporate transition words more naturally, avoiding repetitive or formulaic language patterns.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary, incorporating varied terms such as "believed," "upsides and downsides," "introvert," "deafening," "prohibitively costly," "wholesome experience," "facilitates," and "availability." These choices contribute to the essay’s clarity and richness.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider integrating more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic. For instance, instead of using "some people," you might employ synonyms like "certain individuals" or "a segment of society" to add nuance and depth to your expressions.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with reasonable precision. For example, terms like "introvert," "affordable," and "direct experience" are used accurately to convey specific meanings. However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For instance, in the sentence "they share the same emotion with each other," the phrase "share the same emotion" could be refined to specify the type of emotion being shared, enhancing clarity and impact.
- How to improve: Aim to be more specific and nuanced in your word choices. Instead of using general terms like "emotion," consider employing more descriptive language to capture the exact sentiments being experienced, such as "they collectively experience a sense of euphoria" or "they resonate with shared feelings of excitement and anticipation."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy overall. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "downsizes" (should be "downsides") and "not to attend live performances because they are available online" (could be revised for clarity and conciseness). These errors do not significantly detract from comprehension but indicate room for improvement.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors before finalizing your writing. Additionally, paying closer attention to word choice and sentence structure can help mitigate spelling mistakes by ensuring clarity and coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and spelling, contributing to effective communication of ideas. By further expanding your vocabulary, refining word choice for precision, and improving spelling accuracy through careful review, you can enhance the overall quality and sophistication of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair range of grammatical structures. It includes simple, compound, and complex sentences, which contribute to its coherence and cohesion. For example, the use of conditional phrases ("if they have many other things to do") and relative clauses ("who are not comfortable with being with a deafening crowd") are effective in elaborating the writer’s points. However, the sentence structures tend to be somewhat repetitive and predictable, primarily relying on simple and compound forms without significant variation.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could integrate more complex grammatical constructions such as passive voice, inversion, or cleft sentences. For instance, passive voice could be used to shift focus in certain sentences (e.g., "It is believed by some people not to attend live performances" could be rephrased as "Some people believe that attending live performances is unnecessary"). Experimenting with different types of complex sentences and varying the length and structure of sentences could also improve the dynamism and readability of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy and control over punctuation, which justifies the band score of 7. There are minor errors and awkward phrasings, such as "It is believed by some people not to attend live performances" and "they have both upside and downsizes," which slightly hinder clarity but do not impede overall understanding. Punctuation is generally used correctly, though there are instances where sentence flow could be improved with better comma usage.
- How to improve: Focusing on reducing grammatical errors is crucial. This can be achieved by revisiting basic grammar rules related to verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and article usage. Practicing paraphrasing skills could also help avoid awkward constructions and improve clarity. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation, especially comma and apostrophe use, would enhance the clarity and professionalism of the writing.

Overall, the essay reflects a competent use of English with occasional grammatical errors that do not detract significantly from readability. Improving sentence variety and addressing minor grammatical inaccuracies would likely elevate the performance in this scoring category.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals refrain from attending live performances because they are available online. While I agree to this to some extent, I would argue that neither option is inherently superior as each has its own advantages and disadvantages.

Attending live events offers exceptional convenience, allowing people to see musical acts or concerts without the hassle of traveling and queuing up for hours before the event starts. This holds particularly true for individuals with busy schedules, who often have numerous commitments, or for those who prefer not to be in a boisterous crowd. Additionally, viewers have the option to replay their favorite segments multiple times, and it is often more affordable to purchase recorded videos than to pay the exorbitant cost of live tickets. For example, in Vietnam, the average ticket for BlackPink, a well-known K-pop band, is worth approximately 200 dollars, which is equivalent to a part-time job’s monthly salary.

However, attending live concerts or performances offers a wholesome experience that cannot be replicated online. When people attend live events, they share emotions with one another, fostering closer connections and sometimes leading to the development of new relationships. In fact, some marriages and lifelong friendships have originated from such interactions. Additionally, the direct experience includes various other aspects, such as seating arrangements and interactions with performers, which its online equivalent lacks. Thus, it would be unreasonable to conclude that attending live performances is unnecessary.

In conclusion, whether individuals opt for live or remote viewing depends on their availability and financial situation. Both options have their merits, and the choice ultimately rests with the individual’s preferences and circumstances.