“To be a great leader, a person needs to be confident”. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

"To be a great leader, a person needs to be confident". To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

For me, I agree with "To be a great leader, a person needs to be confident", because there are some following reasons. First, a great leader needs to be caring, and kind. If you usually works to help homeless and poor people in the world, they will be interested in you and believe you. Second, a great leader always takes the lead to lead people to success. If you see needs doing, you won't wait for instruction, you do it to become a wonderful role model to everyone imitate. Third, it's important for a great leader to communicate well. Most of companies try to encourage staffs improve communication skills. They help you to widen more relationships, reach better people to study their experience to develop yourself. Overall, They are good skills to become a great leader. If you always try and do stop until you achieve your goals, you will be a great leader.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "For me, I agree with" -> "In my opinion, I concur with"
   Explanation: "For me" is overly casual for an academic essay. "In my opinion" is a more formal and appropriate phrase. "I agree with" can be replaced with "I concur with" to elevate the language.

2. "because there are some following reasons" -> "due to the following reasons"
   Explanation: "Because there are some following reasons" is awkward and lacks precision. "Due to the following reasons" is a more concise and formal expression.

3. "If you usually works" -> "If you consistently work"
   Explanation: "Usually works" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "usually work" or "consistently work" for a singular subject. "Consistently work" is a more precise and formal choice.

4. "they will be interested in you and believe you" -> "they will take an interest in and trust you"
   Explanation: "Interested in you and believe you" is a bit repetitive and lacks variety. "Take an interest in and trust you" offers a more sophisticated structure and vocabulary.

5. "takes the lead to lead people to success" -> "takes initiative to guide others to success"
   Explanation: "Takes the lead to lead" is redundant. "Takes initiative to guide" is a more concise and effective expression, maintaining clarity while improving formality.

6. "If you see needs doing" -> "If you identify tasks that need to be done"
   Explanation: "If you see needs doing" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Identify tasks that need to be done" provides a clearer and more formal alternative.

7. "you won’t wait for instruction, you do it" -> "you won’t wait for instructions; instead, you take action"
   Explanation: "You do it" is too informal and abrupt. Adding "instead, you take action" clarifies the sequence of events and enhances formality.

8. "to become a wonderful role model to everyone imitate" -> "to serve as an exemplary role model for others to emulate"
   Explanation: "Wonderful role model to everyone imitate" lacks precision and formal structure. "Exemplary role model for others to emulate" offers a more polished and academically appropriate phrase.

9. "Most of companies" -> "Most companies"
   Explanation: "Most of companies" is grammatically incorrect. "Most companies" is a more concise and grammatically accurate alternative.

10. "encourage staffs improve" -> "encourage staff to improve"
    Explanation: "Encourage staffs improve" is incorrect; it should be "encourage staff to improve" to maintain proper grammar and formality.

11. "They help you to widen more relationships" -> "They facilitate the expansion of your professional network"
    Explanation: "Widen more relationships" is redundant and informal. "Facilitate the expansion of your professional network" offers a more sophisticated and concise expression.

12. "reach better people to study their experience" -> "connect with accomplished individuals to learn from their experiences"
    Explanation: "Reach better people" is vague and lacks precision. "Connect with accomplished individuals to learn from their experiences" provides a clearer and more formal alternative.

13. "stop until you achieve your goals" -> "cease until you achieve your goals"
    Explanation: "Do stop until" is incorrect phrasing. "Cease until" is more formal and grammatically accurate.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It agrees with the statement that confidence is essential for great leadership but lacks depth in its exploration. While it briefly touches upon reasons supporting this stance, such as kindness, taking initiative, and effective communication, it fails to fully develop these points or provide relevant examples. The essay could benefit from a more comprehensive analysis of the prompt, incorporating a wider range of perspectives and examples to bolster its argument.
  • How to improve: To improve, ensure each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly addressed. Expand on each reason provided, offering specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate your points. Additionally, consider exploring potential counterarguments to strengthen the overall argumentative structure of the essay.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by agreeing with the statement that confidence is a crucial trait for effective leadership. However, the expression of this stance lacks clarity and coherence. While the author consistently agrees with the prompt, the reasoning and supporting evidence are disjointed and lack sufficient elaboration. The essay would benefit from a more organized structure and cohesive development of ideas to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and coherence, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by relevant evidence and examples. Use transition words and phrases to guide the reader through the logical flow of your argument, making connections between ideas explicit.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the importance of confidence in leadership but lacks depth and development. Each point is briefly mentioned without adequate elaboration or support. For example, the essay mentions the importance of kindness and effective communication in leadership but fails to provide concrete examples or further explanation. Additionally, the ideas presented lack coherence and cohesion, resulting in a disjointed argument.
  • How to improve: To improve, extend and support your ideas with specific examples, anecdotes, or relevant evidence. Provide detailed explanations for each point, illustrating how confidence directly contributes to effective leadership. Ensure that each idea is logically connected to the overall argument, creating a cohesive and persuasive narrative.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally stays on topic by addressing the importance of confidence in leadership, it occasionally deviates from the prompt. For instance, the essay briefly mentions the importance of kindness and effective communication without directly linking these concepts to the overarching theme of confidence in leadership. These tangential discussions detract from the overall focus and coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, maintain a clear focus on the central theme of confidence in leadership throughout the essay. Avoid introducing irrelevant or tangential ideas that do not directly contribute to the argument. Ensure that each point raised directly supports the main thesis statement, enhancing the overall relevance and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a somewhat linear organization, with each paragraph presenting a distinct reason supporting the argument. However, the transitions between ideas are somewhat abrupt, leading to a slightly choppy flow. For instance, the shift from discussing the qualities of a great leader to the importance of communication lacks smoothness. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion could provide clearer signposts for the reader regarding the overall structure of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider employing cohesive devices such as transitional phrases or topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the progression of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one, creating a cohesive and interconnected argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs, each addressing a separate aspect of why confidence is essential for effective leadership. While this division helps to organize the content, the paragraphs lack clear topic sentences or transitions, making it challenging for the reader to discern the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, impacting readability.
  • How to improve: Aim for clearer paragraph structure by introducing each paragraph with a concise topic sentence that previews the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one specific aspect of the argument and supports it with relevant examples or reasoning. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to improve readability and coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, such as sequential transitions like "First," "Second," and "Third." However, the use of these devices is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. Additionally, there is a lack of cohesive devices within sentences, leading to disjointed prose.
  • How to improve: Expand the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, incorporating not only sequential markers but also additive, adversative, and causal connectors to create a more varied and cohesive flow. Within sentences, utilize pronouns, demonstratives, and lexical cohesion to create smoother transitions between ideas and enhance overall coherence. Consider revising sentences for clarity and coherence, ensuring that each sentence contributes to the overall cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, but some phrases are repetitive or lack variety. For example, the phrase "great leader" is repeated throughout the essay. While the essay attempts to introduce some variety, such as using "wonderful role model," "caring," and "kind," there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further.
  • How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource score, aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary. Try using synonyms or related terms to express ideas more creatively. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "great leader," consider using terms like "effective leader," "inspirational figure," or "visionary." This will add depth and variety to your writing.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "they will be interested in you and believe you" could be more precise. Additionally, the use of "improve communication skills" could be more specific.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, try to be more specific and concise in your word choice. Instead of using vague terms like "interested," consider using more precise language such as "trust," "respect," or "rely on." Similarly, instead of "improve communication skills," you could specify the type of skills, such as "verbal communication skills" or "interpersonal communication skills."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of spelling accuracy. However, there are several spelling errors throughout, such as "usually works" should be "who usually works," "improve communication skills" should be "improving communication skills," and "do stop" should be "not stop."
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools or proofreading your work carefully before submitting it. Additionally, try to familiarize yourself with common spelling rules and patterns to avoid making similar errors in the future.

Overall, while the essay shows potential, there is room for improvement in lexical resource, particularly in diversifying vocabulary, enhancing precision, and improving spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complex structures such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, or passive voice constructions. For instance, simple sentences dominate the essay, like "First, a great leader needs to be caring, and kind." and "Second, a great leader always takes the lead to lead people to success." These straightforward structures limit the sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentence forms. Introducing conditional statements, such as "If…then" constructions, would add depth to the argument. Additionally, utilizing relative clauses to provide more detail and variety in descriptions would elevate the quality of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("If you usually works" should be "If you usually work") and verb tense consistency ("you do it to become" should be "you do it to become"). Moreover, there are missing articles ("If you always try and do stop" should be "If you always try and don’t stop"). Punctuation marks such as commas are often missing where needed, resulting in awkward phrasing and ambiguity ("Most of companies try to encourage staffs improve communication skills" should be "Most companies try to encourage staff to improve communication skills").
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review basic grammar rules, particularly regarding subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper article usage. Practicing sentence construction and paying attention to punctuation rules, including the appropriate use of commas for clarity and coherence, will also help refine the writing. Additionally, proofreading carefully before submitting an essay can catch errors and enhance overall accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In my opinion, I concur with the notion that “To be a great leader, a person needs to be confident”, for several reasons. Firstly, a great leader must exhibit care and kindness. By consistently engaging in efforts to aid the homeless and impoverished, one can garner interest and trust from others. Secondly, effective leadership entails taking initiative. A remarkable leader does not await instructions but rather proactively leads others towards success, thereby setting a commendable example for emulation. Lastly, adept communication skills are crucial for effective leadership. Many companies emphasize the enhancement of employees’ communication abilities, as this facilitates the establishment of meaningful connections and enables one to learn from others’ experiences for personal development. Overall, possessing these skills is essential for aspiring leaders. By persistently striving for success and refusing to relent until goals are achieved, individuals can indeed become exceptional leaders.