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Today family members are becoming towards each other. What are the reasons and effects of this development

Today family members are becoming towards each other. What are the reasons and effects of this development

In recent days, family relatives are not as close as in the past. This essay is to shed light on the driving factors behind this development before outlining the dire consequences in the wake of it.

The underlying motives behind more and more members distant are stark. First and foremost, the development of technology and social media is increasing so family members devote a huge amount of time to glue attached to their mobile phones. Instead of spending time on strength family bonds and sharing personal emotion and experience, they opt to chat with their friends who are common interests or purse life's pleasures. An other reasons is the amount of time used to work and study. Parent spend longer hours on finishing work and they hardly make time for family as well as their sons are buy to engage in face-to-face activies.

I am convinced that family members becoming more detached would entail several adverse effects on family happiness. A major effects that family relationship weakens since all members in family have a hectic schedule.
They hard balance between family and work, result in conflicts which can destroy family happiness even divorce. In addition, parent pay over attention to work, thereby children can lack of parent support and care. Consequently, it is negative affect children's long-term mental health and children follow a path towards criminal behaviors.

In conclusion, the absence of time together within the family can be attributed to hectic schedules and the invasion of technology. Personally, I believe that the detrimental impacts include familial rifts and heightened juvenile delinquency


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "family relatives" -> "family members"
    Explanation: The term "family relatives" is redundant. "Family members" is a more concise and appropriate phrase in formal writing.

  2. "This essay is to shed light on" -> "This essay aims to illuminate"
    Explanation: "Shed light on" is a colloquial expression. "Aims to illuminate" is a more formal and precise way to express the purpose of the essay.

  3. "driving factors" -> "factors"
    Explanation: "Driving factors" is not incorrect, but using a simpler term like "factors" maintains formality without sacrificing clarity.

  4. "glue attached" -> "glued"
    Explanation: "Glue attached" is awkward phrasing. "Glued" is a more natural choice for describing attachment.

  5. "personal emotion" -> "emotions"
    Explanation: "Personal emotion" is not incorrect, but "emotions" is a more standard and concise term.

  6. "opt to chat with" -> "choose to communicate with"
    Explanation: "Opt" is somewhat informal. "Choose to communicate with" is a more formal alternative.

  7. "common interests or purse life’s pleasures" -> "shared interests or pursue life’s pleasures"
    Explanation: "Common interests or purse life’s pleasures" contains a typo and an awkward phrase. "Shared interests or pursue life’s pleasures" is corrected and more formal.

  8. "An other reasons" -> "Another reason"
    Explanation: "An other reasons" contains a grammatical error. "Another reason" is the correct form.

  9. "Parent spend longer hours" -> "Parents spend longer hours"
    Explanation: "Parent spend longer hours" has a subject-verb agreement error. "Parents spend longer hours" is the correct form.

  10. "sons are buy" -> "sons are busy"
    Explanation: "Sons are buy" contains a typographical error. "Sons are busy" is the corrected version.

  11. "I am convinced that" -> "I contend that"
    Explanation: "I am convinced that" is somewhat informal. "I contend that" is a more formal and assertive alternative.

  12. "entail several adverse effects" -> "result in several detrimental effects"
    Explanation: "Entail" is a bit formal; "result in" is more neutral. "Detrimental effects" is a more precise term.

  13. "A major effects that" -> "One major effect is that"
    Explanation: "A major effects that" lacks clarity and proper structure. "One major effect is that" provides a more organized expression.

  14. "They hard balance" -> "They struggle to balance"
    Explanation: "They hard balance" is grammatically incorrect. "They struggle to balance" is the corrected version.

  15. "Parent pay over attention" -> "Parents pay excessive attention"
    Explanation: "Parent pay over attention" has a grammatical error. "Parents pay excessive attention" is the corrected form.

  16. "negative affect" -> "negative impact"
    Explanation: "Negative affect" is incorrect; "negative impact" is the appropriate term.

  17. "children follow a path towards criminal behaviors" -> "children may engage in delinquent behavior"
    Explanation: "Children follow a path towards criminal behaviors" is too direct. "Children may engage in delinquent behavior" is a more measured and formal expression.

  18. "In conclusion, the absence of time together within the family" -> "In conclusion, the lack of quality time spent together within the family"
    Explanation: "The absence of time together" is a bit awkward. "The lack of quality time spent together" is a more refined and precise phrase.

  19. "hectic schedules and the invasion of technology" -> "busy schedules and the pervasive influence of technology"
    Explanation: "Hectic schedules" is somewhat informal. "Busy schedules" is more neutral, and "the pervasive influence of technology" is a more formal alternative to "the invasion of technology."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the reasons and effects of family members becoming distant. It discusses the impact of technology and work/study commitments on family relationships, but the coverage is somewhat limited. The discussion of the reasons is more detailed than that of the effects.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, provide a more comprehensive analysis of both the reasons and effects. Explore specific examples or delve deeper into the consequences of family members becoming distant. Ensure that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly covered.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, expressing a belief in the negative consequences of family members becoming more detached. The thesis is evident, and the position is consistently supported throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen this aspect, consider refining and clarifying the thesis statement. Explicitly state the position in the introduction, and ensure that each body paragraph reinforces and supports this position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks in-depth development and support. While it mentions the reasons and effects, there’s limited elaboration or specific examples to bolster the points made. The connection between ideas could be more seamless.
    • How to improve: To elevate this score, expand on each point with detailed examples or evidence. Provide more elaboration on how technology and work commitments impact family relationships. Strengthen the transitions between ideas to create a more coherent flow.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, addressing the reasons and effects of family members becoming distant. However, there are instances where the language is somewhat unclear or repetitive, which might momentarily divert the focus.
    • How to improve: To improve, focus on maintaining clarity in language and avoiding repetitive expressions. Ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the overall discussion of the prompt. Check for coherence and logical progression of ideas to prevent any potential drift from the main topic.

In summary, while the essay successfully addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and development of ideas. Enhancing these aspects would contribute to a more comprehensive and cohesive response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by identifying the topic and purpose. However, there’s a lack of a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs discuss reasons and effects in a somewhat organized manner, but the flow between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition between discussing technology/social media and the impact on family relationships is somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating a clear thesis statement in the introduction to guide the reader. Work on improving the flow between ideas by using transitional phrases or sentences. Ensure that the connection between reasons and effects is more seamless.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas. However, the structure within paragraphs can be refined. Some sentences are lengthy and contain multiple ideas, making it challenging for readers to follow. Paragraphs could be more focused on specific aspects of the topic.
    • How to improve: Break down lengthy sentences into more concise and focused statements. Each paragraph should address a single main idea, allowing for a clearer and more organized presentation. Aim for a balance between providing enough detail and maintaining readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of these devices. The transitions between sentences and paragraphs are at times abrupt, impacting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used, incorporating a mix of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns. Ensure that transitions are not only present but also serve to guide the reader smoothly through the essay. Review and revise the essay to create a more seamless connection between ideas.

Overall, while the essay adequately addresses the prompt and provides some logical organization, refining the thesis statement, improving paragraph structure, and enhancing the use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more coherent and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it touches upon relevant terms such as "technology," "social media," "devote," and "juvenile delinquency," there is room for improvement. The use of more varied and sophisticated vocabulary would enhance the overall lexical resource.
    • How to improve: Incorporate more diverse and nuanced vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "family members," consider using alternatives like "kin," "relatives," or "household." Introduce more specific terms related to technology and its impact, and vary expressions to avoid repetition.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally clear but lacks precision in some instances. For example, the phrase "glue attached to their mobile phones" may be considered imprecise. A more precise term such as "engrossed" or "obsessed" would convey the idea more accurately.
    • How to improve: Strive for precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Reevaluate each expression for clarity and consider whether a more accurate term could be used. A thesaurus may be a helpful tool to discover more precise alternatives.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate level of spelling accuracy. Instances such as "persue" should be corrected to "pursue," and "activies" should be revised to "activities." Attention to these spelling errors will elevate the overall written presentation.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay for spelling errors. Consider using spelling and grammar check tools, and take the time to review each word individually. Developing a habit of revising written work with a focus on spelling will contribute to improvement.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively conveys the main ideas, enhancing the lexical resource can elevate the overall quality. Focusing on a broader range of vocabulary, precision in word choice, and meticulous spelling review will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement as some structures are repetitive, affecting the overall fluency. For instance, there is a consistent use of basic sentence structures, such as subject-verb-object, throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences, varying the length and structure. For instance, use introductory phrases, relative clauses, or conditional sentences to add complexity and sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a mix of accurate and inaccurate grammatical constructions. There are instances of subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "Parent spend longer hours"), misuse of articles (e.g., "an other reasons"), and awkward phrasing that hinders clarity. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas or incorrect use of conjunctions, are also present.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread your essay to identify and correct grammatical errors. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from others to catch errors that may have been overlooked. Use grammar-checking tools to assist in identifying and rectifying specific issues.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a reasonable range of structures. However, by addressing these specific areas of improvement, you can elevate the overall grammatical accuracy and sophistication of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, family members are not as close as they were in the past. This essay aims to illuminate the driving factors behind this development before outlining the dire consequences that follow.

The reasons for this growing distance among family members are clear. Firstly, the rise of technology and social media has led family members to spend an excessive amount of time glued to their mobile phones. Instead of investing time in strengthening family bonds and sharing personal emotions and experiences, they choose to communicate with friends who share common interests or pursue life’s pleasures. Another reason is the substantial amount of time dedicated to work and studies. Parents spend longer hours completing work tasks, leaving little time for family, and their sons are busy engaging in various face-to-face activities.

I contend that this detachment among family members results in several detrimental effects on family happiness. One major effect is that family relationships weaken as all members have hectic schedules, making it challenging to balance between family and work. This imbalance can lead to conflicts that may destroy family happiness and even result in divorce. Moreover, parents paying excessive attention to work may leave children without sufficient parental support and care. Consequently, this negative impact can affect children’s long-term mental health, potentially leading them towards engaging in delinquent behavior.

In conclusion, the lack of quality time spent together within the family can be attributed to busy schedules and the pervasive influence of technology. Personally, I believe that the detrimental impacts include familial rifts and heightened juvenile delinquency. It is crucial for families to recognize the importance of spending quality time together and make a conscious effort to prioritize their relationships amidst the challenges of modern life.

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