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Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Nowadays, the prevalence of computer technology has resulted in a strong reliance across many aspects including communications, transportation or medical services. I firmly agree that this phenomenon may lead to dangerous situations in our society.

On the one hand, there is no doubt the benefits of computer technology is enormous. First, since the advent of technology, mankind has seen many progress and advances in efficiency and convenience, facilitating our demand rapidly. Many reports conducted from the United States revealed that changing from physical tickets into digital version is cost-effective, saving both time and investing expense for the transport systems. Furthermore, intelligent technology could help human significantly to solve complex problems. One standout example is the development of high technical facilities and equipment in the healthcare sector that offer more accurate and efficient results to patients, reducing the number of deaths in our society.

However, the more reliant we are on those techniques, the more dangerous circumstances we may face in the future. The primary concern stems from the fact that humankind may face a serious technological crisis if technology encounters problems on a global scale. Recently, we have witnessed societal disruption as card payment systems were interrupted in Toronto, leading to significant economic losses for many companies. In addition, the reliance on technology can lead to reduction in critical thinking and problem-solving skills. When people become overly dependent on technology, they gradually lose the ability to evaluate issues independently. Needless to say, cyber attacks have always been a big concern in recent years, threatening the safety of our information. Some experts even worry that the cyber terrorists can destabilize one nation by hacking its computer system.

In conclusion, computer technology's benefits are too great to be ignored, which explains our reliance significantly across all aspects. However, in my opinion, if the dependance is over controlled, it may lead to many negative consequences. Therefore, as these dangers outweigh the good points brought by the computer system, governments need to take these threats considerably.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."

  2. "strong reliance" -> "significant reliance"
    Explanation: "Significant" is more academically appropriate than "strong" in this context, as it conveys a quantifiable degree of reliance.

  3. "communications, transportation or medical services" -> "communications, transportation, and medical services"
    Explanation: Adding the conjunction "and" corrects the grammatical structure, making the list more formal and precise.

  4. "I firmly agree" -> "It is evident"
    Explanation: "It is evident" is a more objective and formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the personal and assertive "I firmly agree."

  5. "the benefits of computer technology is enormous" -> "the benefits of computer technology are enormous"
    Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error by changing "is" to "are" to agree with the plural subject "benefits."

  6. "facilitating our demand rapidly" -> "facilitating rapid demand"
    Explanation: "Facilitating rapid demand" is more concise and maintains the formal tone, avoiding the awkward construction "facilitating our demand rapidly."

  7. "Many reports conducted from the United States" -> "Numerous reports from the United States"
    Explanation: "Numerous" is more precise and formal than "many," and removing "conducted" corrects the grammatical structure.

  8. "changing from physical tickets into digital version" -> "transitioning from physical tickets to digital versions"
    Explanation: "Transitioning" is a more formal verb than "changing," and "to digital versions" is grammatically correct.

  9. "help human significantly" -> "significantly assist humans"
    Explanation: "Assist" is more formal than "help," and "humans" is the correct plural form.

  10. "high technical facilities and equipment" -> "advanced technical facilities and equipment"
    Explanation: "Advanced" is more specific and academically appropriate than "high," which is vague.

  11. "the more reliant we are on those techniques, the more dangerous circumstances we may face" -> "the greater our reliance on these technologies, the more perilous the circumstances may become"
    Explanation: "The greater our reliance on these technologies" is more formal and precise, and "perilous" is a more academic term than "dangerous."

  12. "humankind may face a serious technological crisis" -> "humankind may encounter a severe technological crisis"
    Explanation: "Encounter" is a more formal synonym for "face," and "severe" is more specific than "serious."

  13. "card payment systems were interrupted" -> "card payment systems were disrupted"
    Explanation: "Disrupted" is a more precise term in this context, indicating a breakdown or interference in the functioning of the systems.

  14. "reduction in critical thinking and problem-solving skills" -> "decline in critical thinking and problem-solving abilities"
    Explanation: "Decline" is more specific and formal than "reduction," and "abilities" is preferred over "skills" in academic contexts.

  15. "the dependance is over controlled" -> "the dependence is overcontrolled"
    Explanation: "Dependence" is the correct noun form, and "overcontrolled" is grammatically correct.

  16. "it may lead to many negative consequences" -> "this could result in numerous adverse consequences"
    Explanation: "This could result in numerous adverse consequences" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone.

  17. "as these dangers outweigh the good points" -> "as these risks outweigh the benefits"
    Explanation: "Risks" is more specific and formal than "dangers," and "benefits" is preferred over "good points" in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by acknowledging both the benefits and dangers of computer technology. The introduction clearly states a firm agreement with the notion that reliance on technology can create dangerous situations. The body paragraphs provide examples of both the advantages and the potential risks, such as technological crises and cyber attacks, demonstrating a balanced approach. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the extent of agreement, which is a key component of the prompt.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly clarify the extent of their agreement in the introduction and conclusion. For instance, stating whether they believe the dangers completely outweigh the benefits or if there is a significant balance would provide a clearer stance.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that reliance on technology can lead to dangerous situations. The argument is consistently supported throughout the essay, particularly in the second body paragraph, which outlines specific risks associated with over-reliance on technology. However, the conclusion somewhat dilutes this clarity by suggesting that the benefits cannot be ignored, which may confuse the reader about the writer’s ultimate stance.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should ensure that the conclusion reinforces the main argument without introducing ambiguity. A stronger concluding statement that reiterates the extent of agreement would help solidify the position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas and supports them with examples, such as the transition from physical to digital tickets and the impact of cyber attacks. The use of specific examples, like the disruption of card payment systems in Toronto, effectively illustrates the potential dangers. However, some points, such as the reduction in critical thinking skills, could benefit from further elaboration or additional examples to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on key points with further examples or explanations. For instance, discussing how critical thinking skills are affected in specific scenarios would provide a more robust argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reliance on computer technology and its associated dangers. However, there are moments where the discussion of benefits may overshadow the potential dangers, particularly in the first body paragraph. This could lead to a perception that the essay is more about the advantages rather than the risks.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that each paragraph balances the discussion of benefits with an equal or greater emphasis on the dangers. Structuring the essay to first outline the dangers before discussing the benefits could help reinforce the central argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a well-reasoned argument, improvements can be made in clarifying the extent of agreement, reinforcing the position throughout, elaborating on key points, and balancing the discussion of benefits and dangers.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance, followed by two main body paragraphs that discuss both the benefits and dangers of computer technology. The progression from the advantages to the disadvantages is logical, as it allows the reader to understand the context before delving into the potential risks. However, some ideas within paragraphs could be better connected. For instance, the transition between the benefits of technology in healthcare and the subsequent discussion on the dangers lacks a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader more smoothly.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the end of paragraphs that hint at the content of the next paragraph. For example, after discussing the benefits of technology, a sentence like, "Despite these advantages, there are significant risks that must be addressed," would create a smoother transition to the next section.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which contributes to its clarity. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and the first body paragraph focuses on the benefits, while the second addresses the dangers. However, the second body paragraph could be further refined to ensure that each point is distinct and well-supported. For instance, the mention of cyber attacks could be elaborated with a specific example or statistic to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, consider using more examples or evidence to support each point. For instance, when discussing the reduction in critical thinking skills, a brief example illustrating this trend would enhance the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "however," and "in addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "the more reliant we are on those techniques" could be better connected to the subsequent sentence to clarify the relationship between reliance and the potential dangers.
    • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "consequently," "therefore," and "on the contrary." Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help to create a more cohesive narrative. For instance, instead of repeating "computer technology," you could use "this reliance" or "such systems" in subsequent sentences to maintain flow.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but with targeted improvements in logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices, it could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "prevalence," "reliance," "facilitating," and "disruption" effectively used to convey complex ideas. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the repeated use of "reliance" and "technology," which could be varied to enhance lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "reliance," you could use "dependence," "trust," or "faith in technology." Additionally, varying the structure of sentences can help incorporate more diverse vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are areas where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "the benefits of computer technology is enormous" should use "are" instead of "is" to agree with the plural noun "benefits." Furthermore, "changing from physical tickets into digital version" could be more precisely stated as "transitioning from physical tickets to digital versions."
    • How to improve: Focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that phrases are grammatically correct. Additionally, consider using more specific terms when discussing technology, such as "digital payment systems" instead of "card payment systems" for clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a strong command of spelling, with only minor errors. For example, "dependance" should be spelled "dependence." Such errors, while few, can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a moment to review the essay for spelling errors, or use digital tools that check spelling. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words can help solidify correct spelling in your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, attention to precision, variety, and spelling will further enhance the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "On the one hand" and "However" effectively transitions between ideas. Additionally, the sentence "Many reports conducted from the United States revealed that changing from physical tickets into digital version is cost-effective" showcases a complex structure with a dependent clause. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "the reliance on" or "the more," which can detract from overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider varying the sentence openings and using more introductory clauses or phrases. For example, instead of starting sentences with "the reliance on," try rephrasing to incorporate passive voice or different subjects. Additionally, incorporating more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can help create a more dynamic flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, "the benefits of computer technology is enormous" should be corrected to "the benefits of computer technology are enormous" to ensure subject-verb agreement. Additionally, the phrase "changing from physical tickets into digital version" should be "into digital versions" to maintain plural consistency. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are some run-on sentences that could benefit from clearer separation or the use of semicolons.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and pluralization. A thorough proofreading process can help catch these errors. Additionally, practicing sentence combining and breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones can enhance clarity. Reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and semicolons, will also aid in refining sentence structure and flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the noted weaknesses will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Currently, the prevalence of computer technology has resulted in a significant reliance across many aspects, including communications, transportation, and medical services. I firmly agree that this phenomenon may lead to dangerous situations in our society.

On the one hand, it is evident that the benefits of computer technology are enormous. First, since the advent of technology, humankind has experienced considerable progress and advances in efficiency and convenience, facilitating rapid demand. Numerous reports from the United States have revealed that transitioning from physical tickets to digital versions is cost-effective, saving both time and investment expenses for transportation systems. Furthermore, advanced technical facilities and equipment in the healthcare sector significantly assist humans in solving complex problems. One standout example is the development of these technologies that offer more accurate and efficient results to patients, ultimately reducing the number of deaths in our society.

However, the greater our reliance on these technologies, the more perilous the circumstances may become. The primary concern stems from the fact that humankind may encounter a severe technological crisis if technology faces problems on a global scale. Recently, we have witnessed societal disruption as card payment systems were disrupted in Toronto, leading to significant economic losses for many companies. In addition, this dependence can lead to a decline in critical thinking and problem-solving abilities. When people become overly reliant on technology, they gradually lose the ability to evaluate issues independently. Needless to say, cyber attacks have become a major concern in recent years, threatening the safety of our information. Some experts even worry that cyber terrorists could destabilize a nation by hacking its computer systems.

In conclusion, the benefits of computer technology are too great to be ignored, which explains our significant reliance across all aspects. However, in my opinion, if this dependence is overcontrolled, it may result in numerous adverse consequences. Therefore, as these risks outweigh the benefits, governments need to take these threats seriously.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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