Today’s schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Today’s schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

There has been much debate about whether schools nowadays should educate their students financial for survive in world today. From my perspecitve, I agree with this opinion due to numerous of reasons will be outlined in the following paragraph.

When our world is developing strongly, study subjects as history, math and literature cannot survive in today's world. While studying is high demanding for students, however, financial ethic is also plays a crucial role in their survive. For instance, students study abroad ought to have a knowledge about finacial in order not to waste their money, moreover, they overwhelmed with high costs for accommodations, food chains and entertainments. If they have no knowledge about the financial, they cannot survive in a expensive countries, even they are extreme good at studying.

One of significant reasons is study about financial can keep them not to go in a wrong direction. For instance, bussiness is one of the main part if they want to be successful in the future, however, their financial ethic not enough for survive, which easier leads them to a wrong direction such as bankrupt. Furthermore, just studying subjects including math, lectures and literature as traditional school can make them get bored, this resulted in, students off school at early age.

To sum it all up, I strongly avodcates the opinion that schools should teach their students how to survive financially in world today. While study subjects is good to enhance their horizontal, however, it is not enough to survive in today's world.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "educate their students financial for survive" -> "teach their students financial literacy to survive"
   Explanation: "Financial literacy" is a more precise term than "financial" and "for survive" is grammatically incorrect; "to survive" is the correct preposition to use in this context, making the phrase more grammatically correct and formal.

2. "perspecitve" -> "perspective"
   Explanation: Corrects a spelling error, ensuring the text maintains professionalism and accuracy.

3. "numerous of reasons" -> "numerous reasons"
   Explanation: Removes the unnecessary article "of" to correct the grammatical structure, aligning with formal academic style.

4. "study subjects as history, math and literature cannot survive" -> "traditional subjects such as history, mathematics, and literature are no longer sufficient"
   Explanation: "Traditional subjects" clarifies the type of subjects being referred to, and "are no longer sufficient" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea that these subjects are insufficient for modern life.

5. "study is high demanding" -> "study is highly demanding"
   Explanation: Adds the adverb "highly" to correct the adjective form, enhancing the formal tone and accuracy.

6. "financial ethic" -> "financial ethics"
   Explanation: "Ethics" is the correct plural form when referring to the principles of financial behavior, aligning with formal language standards.

7. "survive" -> "survival"
   Explanation: "Survival" is the correct noun form needed in this context, replacing the verb "survive" for grammatical accuracy.

8. "study about financial" -> "study of financial literacy"
   Explanation: "Study of financial literacy" is a more precise and formal phrase, replacing the vague and grammatically incorrect "study about financial."

9. "not to go in a wrong direction" -> "from going in the wrong direction"
   Explanation: "From going in the wrong direction" is a more formal and grammatically correct way to express the idea of avoiding incorrect choices.

10. "bussiness" -> "business"
    Explanation: Corrects a spelling error, ensuring the text maintains professionalism.

11. "not enough for survive" -> "insufficient for survival"
    Explanation: "Insufficient for survival" is a more formal and precise expression than "not enough for survive."

12. "which easier leads them to a wrong direction" -> "which more easily leads them astray"
    Explanation: "More easily leads them astray" is a more formal and idiomatic expression, replacing the awkward and informal "easier leads them to a wrong direction."

13. "just studying subjects including math, lectures and literature as traditional school" -> "merely studying traditional subjects such as mathematics, lectures, and literature"
    Explanation: "Merely studying" is a more formal adverbial phrase, and "mathematics" is the correct term for the academic subject, replacing the informal "math."

14. "this resulted in, students off school at early age" -> "this leads to students dropping out at an early age"
    Explanation: "Leads to students dropping out at an early age" is a more formal and precise way to express the consequence of boredom in school.

15. "I strongly avodcates" -> "I strongly advocate"
    Explanation: Corrects a spelling error, ensuring the text maintains professionalism and accuracy.

16. "study subjects is good to enhance their horizontal" -> "studying these subjects enhances their horizons"
    Explanation: "Enhances their horizons" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of broadening knowledge, replacing the awkward and incorrect "study subjects is good to enhance their horizontal."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by agreeing that schools should teach financial survival skills. However, it lacks a nuanced exploration of the extent to which this should be implemented. The phrase "I agree with this opinion due to numerous reasons" is vague and does not specify the extent of agreement, which is crucial for a comprehensive response. The essay also fails to explicitly mention any counterarguments or alternative perspectives, which could have enriched the discussion.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position on the extent of agreement (e.g., "I fully agree" or "I partially agree") and provide a balanced view by acknowledging potential counterarguments. This could involve discussing the importance of traditional subjects alongside financial education.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position in favor of teaching financial skills, but the clarity of this stance is undermined by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, "financial for survive in world today" is unclear and detracts from the overall argument. Additionally, the phrase "bussiness is one of the main part" is grammatically incorrect and could confuse readers about the writer’s intent.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using clear and grammatically correct language to articulate their position. Regularly reiterating their stance throughout the essay will help maintain clarity. For instance, they could summarize their main points in the conclusion to reinforce their position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present and support ideas related to financial education, such as the necessity for students to manage their finances while studying abroad. However, the support provided is often weak or unclear. For example, the statement about students being "overwhelmed with high costs" lacks specific examples or data to substantiate the claim. Additionally, the argument about traditional subjects leading to boredom is not well-developed and feels disconnected from the main thesis.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include statistics on financial literacy or anecdotes about students who faced challenges due to a lack of financial education. Each idea should be clearly linked back to the central argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the need for financial education. However, there are moments where the argument strays, such as the mention of students getting bored with traditional subjects. While this is somewhat relevant, it detracts from the primary focus on financial survival skills.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly supports the central thesis. They could also consider using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly indicate how each point relates to the overall argument. This will help keep the essay cohesive and on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic, improvements in clarity, depth of argument, and grammatical accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the importance of financial education in schools, which is a strong point. However, the logical flow is somewhat undermined by awkward phrasing and unclear connections between ideas. For example, the transition from discussing traditional subjects to the necessity of financial education could be smoother. The argument about students studying abroad lacks a clear link to the overall thesis, making it feel somewhat disjointed.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis. Additionally, ensure that each point builds upon the previous one, using transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument. For instance, after discussing traditional subjects, explicitly state how financial literacy complements these subjects to create a well-rounded education.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure could be improved. Each paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better organized. For example, the second paragraph mixes the discussion of financial knowledge with the consequences of lacking it, which can confuse the reader. The final paragraph attempts to summarize but introduces new ideas instead of reinforcing the main argument.
  • How to improve: Focus on one main idea per paragraph. Start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. This will help maintain clarity and ensure that each paragraph serves a specific purpose. For example, separate the discussion of financial literacy’s importance from the consequences of lacking it into distinct paragraphs.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance" and "to sum it all up." However, the range is limited, and some devices are used incorrectly or awkwardly, such as "however" at the beginning of a sentence which disrupts the flow. Additionally, phrases like "this resulted in" are not used effectively, leading to confusion about what they refer to.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "on the other hand," and "consequently." Ensure that each cohesive device is used correctly and enhances the clarity of the argument. For example, instead of saying "however" at the start of a sentence, consider rephrasing to maintain the flow of ideas, such as "Although studying traditional subjects is valuable, financial education is equally important."

By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its coherence and cohesion, potentially raising its band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with terms such as "debate," "educate," "financial ethic," and "bankrupt." However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "survive in today’s world" appears multiple times, which detracts from the overall lexical richness. Additionally, some phrases are awkwardly constructed, such as "study subjects as history, math and literature," which could be more fluidly expressed.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "survive," alternatives like "thrive," "navigate," or "manage" could be employed. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more complex vocabulary can help elevate the essay’s overall quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "financial for survive" and "financial ethic," which are not standard phrases in English. The term "financial ethic" is particularly unclear and may confuse readers about the intended meaning. Furthermore, phrases like "bussiness" and "avodcates" reflect a lack of precision and correctness.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using established phrases and terminology. For example, "financial literacy" is a more precise term than "financial ethic." Additionally, ensuring that terms are used correctly in context will enhance clarity. Proofreading for common phrases and idiomatic expressions can also help improve precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, including "perspecitve," "finacial," "bussiness," "avodcates," and "horizontal." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility. The misspellings of common words indicate a need for greater attention to detail.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or flashcards for commonly misspelled words. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or using spell-check tools can help catch errors before submission. Reading extensively can also reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

By addressing these areas of improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion for IELTS Task 2 essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, sentences like "When our world is developing strongly, study subjects as history, math and literature cannot survive in today’s world" show an attempt at complexity. However, many sentences are awkwardly constructed or lack clarity, such as "their financial ethic not enough for survive." This indicates a limited range of effective structures, which impacts the overall coherence and fluency of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice combining shorter sentences into more complex ones, using subordinating conjunctions (e.g., "Although," "Because") to connect ideas. Additionally, incorporating more varied sentence openings and using different grammatical forms (e.g., passive voice, conditional sentences) can help create a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, phrases like "educate their students financial for survive" should be corrected to "educate their students financially to survive." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "financial ethic is also plays a crucial role," which should be "financial ethics also play a crucial role." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect use of conjunctions, further complicate the readability of the text.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and the correct use of adverbs and adjectives. Practicing sentence correction exercises can help identify common mistakes. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation rules, such as the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide insights into proper grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic but requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice, feedback, and revision will be key to enhancing these skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

There has been much debate about whether schools today should educate their students in financial literacy to survive in the modern world. From my perspective, I agree with this opinion for numerous reasons that will be outlined in the following paragraphs.

As our world develops rapidly, traditional subjects such as history, mathematics, and literature are no longer sufficient for students’ survival. While studying is highly demanding for students, financial ethics also plays a crucial role in their ability to thrive. For instance, students studying abroad ought to have knowledge about financial matters to avoid wasting their money; moreover, they are often overwhelmed by high costs for accommodations, food, and entertainment. Without financial literacy, they may struggle to survive in expensive countries, even if they excel academically.

One significant reason is that studying financial literacy can prevent students from going in the wrong direction. For example, business knowledge is essential if they want to be successful in the future; however, if their understanding of financial ethics is insufficient for survival, it can easily lead them astray, potentially resulting in bankruptcy. Furthermore, merely studying traditional subjects such as mathematics, lectures, and literature can lead to boredom, which may result in students dropping out at an early age.

To sum it all up, I strongly advocate that schools should teach their students how to survive financially in today’s world. While studying traditional subjects enhances their horizons, it is not enough for survival in the modern landscape.