University students should pay the full cost of their studies because a university education benefits individuals rather than society as a whole. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
University students should pay the full cost of their studies because a university education benefits individuals rather than society as a whole. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Students in universities around the world should pay the fees for study programs because it brings many benefits for themstudents rather than for society, this is a topic that causes debate significant today. From my perspective, I disagree with this view.
There are many factors that students cannot develop if they spend for study, this will be a disadvantage when students spend money for tuition in university because students, who are unable ability to make much money and this, obey go to work. For instance, some students have to go to work part-time in a coffee shop, or clothing shop. It helps them to maintain their study program and helps them feel respected for money and endeavor to study more in university. Nevertheless, some poor individuals feel bored and stressed by the worthy fees of study at a university, especially many students from province different countries, who have to spend money for rent house and food every month. This is prone to students leaving school and not being able degree.
On the other hand, there are many benefits for the government to invest in study programs of students in universities, because spending all fees of study is over of ability finance students. For example, students not able to finance ability, they will respect opportunities and endeavor more, this motivates individuals in their studies.
Moreover, students are part of the motivation country in the future, and it appears that they can change the lives of poor people, such as people successful in Vietnam, they always give charity to poor people and motivate them to have a good life. Consequently, the investment for students helps them have a good life in study with good infrastructure in the university. This is part of constructing countries to become rich and develop more.
In conclusion, it is evident that students spend all study programs these days from my perspective this is a hamper for student and their countries in the future. Because it led to students with the number of leave school and a decrease in success in many fields to help countries. Consequently, university and securities investment students have an opportunity about finance which will help them as countries develop in the future.
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Errors and Improvements:
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"because it brings many benefits for themstudents rather than for society" -> "because it yields numerous benefits for students rather than for society"
Explanation: Replacing "brings many benefits for themstudents" with "yields numerous benefits for students" elevates the language to a more formal tone while maintaining clarity and precision. -
"this is a topic that causes debate significant today" -> "this is a topic of significant debate today"
Explanation: Adjusting the placement of "significant" and rephrasing "causes debate" to "of significant debate" enhances the sentence’s clarity and formal tone. -
"There are many factors that students cannot develop if they spend for study" -> "There are many factors that students cannot develop if they spend on their studies"
Explanation: Changing "spend for study" to "spend on their studies" improves the grammatical structure and aligns with formal language conventions. -
"this will be a disadvantage when students spend money for tuition in university because students, who are unable ability to make much money and this, obey go to work" -> "This poses a disadvantage when students invest in university tuition, as they often lack sufficient earning capacity and may resort to part-time work."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and replacing "spend money for tuition in university" with "invest in university tuition" enhances clarity and formal expression. -
"For instance, some students have to go to work part-time in a coffee shop, or clothing shop" -> "For example, some students must take on part-time jobs in coffee shops or clothing stores."
Explanation: Substituting "have to go to work" with "must take on part-time jobs" and specifying the locations as "coffee shops or clothing stores" improves precision and formality. -
"Nevertheless, some poor individuals feel bored and stressed by the worthy fees of study at a university, especially many students from province different countries" -> "However, many economically disadvantaged individuals find the substantial fees associated with university education burdensome, particularly those from various provinces and countries."
Explanation: Replacing "poor individuals" with "economically disadvantaged individuals" and refining the phrasing enhances clarity and formal tone. -
"This is prone to students leaving school and not being able degree" -> "This often leads to students dropping out of school without completing their degrees."
Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and replacing "prone to" with "often leads to" improves precision and formality. -
"there are many benefits for the government to invest in study programs of students in universities, because spending all fees of study is over of ability finance students" -> "There are numerous benefits for the government to invest in university study programs, as covering the entirety of study fees exceeds the financial capabilities of many students."
Explanation: Clarifying the language and restructuring the sentence enhances readability and formal expression. -
"students not able to finance ability, they will respect opportunities and endeavor more" -> "Students unable to finance their education will appreciate opportunities and strive harder."
Explanation: Simplifying and clarifying the sentence improves readability and formal tone. -
"Moreover, students are part of the motivation country in the future" -> "Furthermore, students are integral to the future development of their countries."
Explanation: Replacing "part of the motivation country" with "integral to the future development" improves clarity and formal expression. -
"This is part of constructing countries to become rich and develop more" -> "This contributes to the advancement of nations towards prosperity and further development."
Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by rephrasing "constructing countries" to "advancement of nations" and "develop more" to "further development." -
"it is evident that students spend all study programs these days from my perspective this is a hamper for student and their countries in the future" -> "It is evident that the current practice of students bearing the entire burden of study programs is detrimental to both students and their countries’ future prospects."
Explanation: Clarifying the sentence structure and replacing "spend all study programs" with "bearing the entire burden of study programs" improves precision and formality. -
"Because it led to students with the number of leave school and a decrease in success in many fields to help countries" -> "This results in increased dropout rates among students and diminished success across various fields critical for national development."
Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by rephrasing and restructuring the sentence.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by presenting arguments both for and against the idea of students paying the full cost of their studies. However, the response lacks clarity and coherence in addressing all parts of the question. While the essay mentions the benefits of students paying fees for their education and touches upon the government’s role in investing in students’ education, the discussion lacks depth and fails to fully analyze the extent to which individuals, rather than society, benefit from university education.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, it’s crucial to thoroughly analyze and address each aspect of the prompt. In this case, the essay should explore the extent to which university education benefits individuals over society as a whole, providing specific examples and evidence to support the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a clear position by stating disagreement with the idea that students should pay the full cost of their studies. However, the position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. While there is an attempt to argue against the notion of students bearing the entire financial burden of their education, the argument lacks coherence and strong supporting evidence.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the essay should clearly articulate the stance in the introduction and ensure that each subsequent paragraph reinforces this position with relevant arguments and evidence. Consistency in maintaining the chosen perspective throughout the essay is essential for a clear and cohesive argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the financial burden on students and the potential benefits of government investment in education. However, these ideas lack sufficient development and coherence. The arguments are often unclear, and there is limited elaboration or support provided to bolster the claims.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation of ideas, the essay should focus on developing coherent arguments with clear explanations and relevant examples. Each idea should be thoroughly explored, extended, and supported with evidence or reasoning to enhance the overall persuasiveness of the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to address the topic of whether university students should pay the full cost of their studies, there are instances where the discussion deviates or lacks clarity. The essay briefly touches upon related topics such as the government’s role in education investment and the impact on students from different socio-economic backgrounds. However, these tangential discussions detract from the central focus of the prompt.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the essay should maintain a clear focus on addressing the specific question posed in the prompt without veering into unrelated discussions. Each paragraph should directly contribute to supporting the main argument and addressing the central theme of the prompt.
Overall, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, coherence, and depth of analysis. Enhancing these aspects will help strengthen the overall argument and improve task response, leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some organization by presenting arguments against the prompt’s assertion in the first body paragraph and then providing counterarguments in the second body paragraph. However, there are coherence issues due to frequent grammatical errors and unclear transitions between ideas. For instance, the abrupt shift from discussing the disadvantages of students paying fees to the benefits for the government lacks smooth transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on maintaining a clear and consistent line of reasoning throughout the essay. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the prompt. Additionally, utilize transitional phrases or words to connect ideas smoothly and guide the reader through the argumentative structure.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs but struggles with coherence within them. Each paragraph should ideally contain a single main idea, but some paragraphs in this essay encompass multiple ideas, leading to confusion. For instance, the second paragraph discusses both the disadvantages faced by students and the benefits for the government, making it less focused.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by adhering to the one main idea per paragraph rule. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point. Then, support that point with relevant examples or explanations. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter, more focused ones to enhance clarity and readability.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in cohesive devices, relying heavily on repetitive transitional phrases such as "on the other hand" and "in conclusion". Additionally, there are instances where cohesive devices are missing, leading to disjointed ideas and weak connections between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to improve the coherence of the essay. Incorporate a wider range of transition words and phrases, such as "furthermore", "however", "moreover", and "nevertheless", to establish clear connections between ideas. Ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain the flow of the argument. Additionally, consider using pronouns and referencing words to maintain coherence within and between paragraphs.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
- Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, although some repetition and imprecise word choices are evident. For instance, phrases like "because it brings many benefits for themstudents" could be improved for clarity and precision. However, there is an attempt to use varied vocabulary throughout the essay, such as "significant," "disadvantage," "motivates," "constructing," and "hamper."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, strive for more varied and nuanced expressions. Instead of repeating phrases like "students spend all study programs," aim for diverse synonyms and more complex sentence structures. Additionally, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly and to avoid repetitive language.
- Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally struggles with precision in vocabulary usage. For instance, the phrase "because it brings many benefits for themstudents" lacks precision and clarity. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing that detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Work on refining vocabulary choices to express ideas more precisely. Instead of vague phrases like "many benefits," specify the advantages that university education offers to students and society. Consult a thesaurus to explore alternative words and phrases that convey your intended meaning with greater accuracy and sophistication.
- Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, but there are several instances of misspelled words throughout the essay. For example, "obey" should be "they," "ability finance" could be "financial ability," and "securities" should be "secure." These errors slightly detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools and proofreading carefully before submitting your essay. Additionally, practice spelling commonly misspelled words and pay attention to feedback on spelling errors to avoid repeating them in future writing endeavors.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is a noticeable lack of variety in sentence structures, with many sentences following a similar pattern. For example, several sentences start with "Students" or "On the other hand," which affects the overall flow and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences. Varying sentence lengths and structures can add complexity and sophistication to the writing. Additionally, utilizing introductory phrases, dependent clauses, and transitional words can improve coherence and flow.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies, which impact clarity and coherence. Errors include subject-verb agreement issues ("students cannot develop if they spend for study"), incorrect verb tense usage ("this is a topic that causes debate significant today"), article misuse ("by the worthy fees of study"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect use of conjunctions).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, thorough proofreading and revision are essential. Focus on mastering basic grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and article usage. Pay attention to punctuation marks, including commas, periods, and apostrophes, ensuring they are used correctly to clarify meaning and enhance readability. Consider seeking feedback from peers or tutors to identify and correct recurring errors.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some attempt at varied sentence structures, significant grammatical and punctuation errors detract from the overall effectiveness of the writing. Strengthening both sentence variety and grammatical accuracy through practice, revision, and attention to detail can significantly enhance the clarity and coherence of future essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
Students in universities worldwide should bear the cost of their study programs because it yields numerous benefits for them rather than solely benefiting society, a topic of significant debate today. However, I respectfully disagree with this viewpoint.
There are many factors that hinder students’ development when they invest in their studies. This poses a disadvantage, especially considering that students often lack sufficient earning capacity and may resort to part-time work to support their education. For example, some students must take on part-time jobs in coffee shops or clothing stores to meet their financial needs. However, many economically disadvantaged individuals find the substantial fees associated with university education burdensome, particularly those from various provinces and countries. Consequently, this financial strain often leads to students dropping out of school without completing their degrees.
On the other hand, there are numerous benefits for the government to invest in university study programs, as covering the entirety of study fees exceeds the financial capabilities of many students. Students unable to finance their education will appreciate opportunities and strive harder. Furthermore, students play an integral role in the future development of their countries. This contributes to the advancement of nations towards prosperity and further development.
It is evident that the current practice of students bearing the entire burden of study programs is detrimental to both students and their countries’ future prospects. This results in increased dropout rates among students and diminished success across various fields critical for national development.
In conclusion, while there are merits to both perspectives, it is crucial to recognize the limitations and challenges students face when solely responsible for financing their education. Government investment in students not only ensures equal access to education but also fosters national development and prosperity in the long run.
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