Violence in the media promotes violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the last few decades, due to the evolution of media, the popularity of aggressive content on televisions and other virtual platforms has increased drastically. I strongly support this proposition due to the fact that, in the last few decades, commercialized mass media has been rife with material about violence, crime, and pornography, as well as the exposure of the general public to the extensive transmission of violent and erroneous news via several online outlets.

In contemporary times, the Internet and videos are besieged with an overflow of information on pornography, violence, and crime. So curious are some youngsters that they might blindly duplicate everything they have seen, including contents related to violence and sex. Therefore, these mental poisons have been seriously corrupting adolescents' minds and arousing their violent impulses. Without parental guidance and monitoring, the rebellion of teenagers has resulted in their imitation of such actions and made them commit anti-social offenses. For instance, crime documentaries or popular movies based on robbery, bank loot, and murders, like Money Heist, Dhoom, Catch Me If You Can, etc., inspire people to initiate such actions.

It is undeniable that the public is exposed to the proliferation of violent and savage news on various digital platforms. Take DAESH as a salient example; this terrorist organization has also been using various media venues to disseminate its brutal messages. They shape the young minds in such a manner that they become passionate about the wrong cause and give in to terrorism. As a result, large-scale communal riots are often facilitated by violent, fake news circulating around social media sites. Moreover, the lack of trustworthiness of the cruel information often contributes to general societal dissatisfaction, further inciting violence.

In conclusion, the projection of violence in the media in various forms definitely aggravated the rate of violent crimes in society. I wholeheartedly concur that multimedia tools have made a substantial contribution to the rise of violence because of the abundance of material on crime, violence, and pornography on the Internet and in films and the exposure of the public audience to the widespread dissemination of inaccurate and violent news across several internet channels.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"the popularity of aggressive content on televisions and other virtual platforms has increased drastically" -> "the prevalence of aggressive content on television and other digital platforms has markedly risen"
Explanation: Replacing "popularity" with "prevalence" and "virtual platforms" with "digital platforms" enhances formality and clarity, providing a more precise description of the increase in aggressive content consumption.
"I strongly support this proposition due to the fact that" -> "I firmly endorse this proposition owing to"
Explanation: "Due to the fact that" can be replaced with "owing to" for a more formal tone. Additionally, "strongly support" can be substituted with "firmly endorse" to convey a more authoritative stance.
"rife with material about violence, crime, and pornography" -> "abound with depictions of violence, crime, and pornography"
Explanation: "Rife with material" can be replaced with "abound with depictions of" for a more formal and precise description of the content.
"an overflow of information" -> "a deluge of information"
Explanation: "Overflow" can be replaced with "deluge" to convey a sense of overwhelming abundance in a more formal manner.
"So curious are some youngsters" -> "Some youngsters are so curious"
Explanation: Inverting the word order ("So curious are") is less common in formal writing. Placing the subject before the verb ("Some youngsters are") is more typical in academic writing.
"mental poisons" -> "negative influences"
Explanation: "Mental poisons" is a figurative expression that may not be suitable for academic writing. "Negative influences" is a more neutral and precise term.
"Without parental guidance and monitoring, the rebellion of teenagers" -> "In the absence of parental guidance and monitoring, teenagers’ rebellion"
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence structure for clarity and formality.
"facilitated by violent, fake news circulating around social media sites" -> "abetted by the circulation of violent, false news on social media platforms"
Explanation: "Facilitated by" can be replaced with "abetted by" for a more formal expression. "Circulating around" can be replaced with "on" for conciseness.
"the lack of trustworthiness of the cruel information" -> "the lack of credibility of the malicious information"
Explanation: "Trustworthiness" can be replaced with "credibility" for a more formal and precise term. "Cruel" can be replaced with "malicious" for clarity.
"I wholeheartedly concur" -> "I fully concur"
Explanation: "Wholeheartedly" can be replaced with "fully" for a more concise expression while maintaining the same meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt by discussing the prevalence of violence in the media and its potential impact on society. It acknowledges the increase in aggressive content across various media platforms and provides examples to support this argument. Additionally, it discusses the influence of such content on individuals, particularly young people, and highlights the role of media in shaping societal attitudes towards violence.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, the essay could delve deeper into the counterargument or opposing viewpoint, acknowledging its validity before refuting it. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the issue and strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout, firmly supporting the notion that violence in the media promotes violence in society. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, with each paragraph reinforcing the central argument.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state its position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion, ensuring that the reader is constantly reminded of the author’s viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas by providing relevant examples and explanations. It discusses the prevalence of violent content in various forms of media, such as films and the internet, and elaborates on the potential consequences of exposure to such content. Moreover, it supports its arguments with real-life examples, such as crime documentaries and terrorist propaganda.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, the author could incorporate additional statistics or studies to bolster their arguments. Providing empirical evidence would add credibility to the claims made and enhance the persuasiveness of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by focusing on the relationship between violence in the media and its impact on society. However, there are instances where the discussion slightly deviates, such as the mention of societal dissatisfaction towards the end of the second paragraph. While this tangent is related to the broader theme of media influence, it could be more tightly connected to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central thesis of the essay. Any tangential discussions should be seamlessly integrated into the main argument to prevent distractions and maintain coherence.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presents a clear and consistent position, extends and supports its ideas, and largely stays on topic. By implementing the suggested improvements, the author can further enhance the coherence, persuasiveness, and depth of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that presents the writer’s stance on the issue, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that provide supporting arguments and examples. Each paragraph maintains a clear focus on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reaffirms the writer’s position.
- How to improve: While the essay is logically organized, enhancing coherence could involve strengthening the transition between paragraphs. Implementing transitional phrases or sentences at the end of each paragraph can help guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next, reinforcing the logical progression of the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas and arguments. Each paragraph contains a distinct topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details and examples. This structure enhances readability and clarity, enabling the reader to grasp the writer’s arguments more easily.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, ensuring that each paragraph maintains unity and coherence can further improve the essay’s overall structure. Reviewing each paragraph to ensure that all sentences relate directly to the main point can help eliminate any potential digressions or inconsistencies.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence throughout the text. Examples include transitional phrases such as "In contemporary times," "Moreover," and "In conclusion," which help signal shifts between different sections of the essay. Additionally, the use of pronouns, repetition of key terms, and logical progression of arguments contribute to the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay already utilizes cohesive devices effectively, incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases can further enhance coherence. Introducing more diverse transitions such as "Furthermore," "On the contrary," or "Nevertheless" can add depth to the essay’s structure and improve the flow of ideas. Additionally, varying sentence structures and lengths can help maintain reader engagement and prevent monotony.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of vocabulary throughout. It utilizes diverse terminology to discuss the proliferation of violent content in the media, including phrases such as "commercialized mass media," "mental poisons," "violent impulses," "rebellion of teenagers," "anti-social offenses," "proliferation of violent and savage news," "brutal messages," and "large-scale communal riots." These expressions effectively convey the author’s arguments and contribute to the richness of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay displays a wide range of vocabulary, there is room for enhancement by incorporating more nuanced or specialized terminology related to media influence, societal impact, and psychological factors. Exploring synonyms or alternative phrases for repetitive terms can further elevate the lexical diversity of the writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas without ambiguity. For instance, phrases like "commercialized mass media," "mental poisons," and "violent impulses" succinctly articulate the author’s viewpoints. However, there are instances where vocabulary usage could be more precise. For example, the phrase "mental poisons" might benefit from more specific terminology to elaborate on the psychological effects of exposure to violent media content.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, consider refining the choice of words to accurately capture the intended meaning. Additionally, integrating domain-specific vocabulary related to media studies and psychology can provide greater clarity and depth to the essay’s arguments.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate spelling throughout, with few noticeable errors. Common words are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall readability of the text. However, there are occasional instances of minor spelling errors, such as "salient" spelled as "sailent" and "DAESH" spelled as "DASEH."
- How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, proofreading the essay carefully and utilizing spell-check tools can help identify and correct any misspelled words. Additionally, reviewing the spelling of proper nouns and specialized terms specific to the essay topic can minimize errors and enhance the professionalism of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and conditional sentences. For instance, the essay employs compound-complex sentences like, "Without parental guidance and monitoring, the rebellion of teenagers has resulted in their imitation of such actions and made them commit anti-social offenses." Additionally, the use of descriptive phrases and clauses adds depth to the writing, as seen in phrases such as "violent and erroneous news" and "abundance of material on crime, violence, and pornography."
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s grammatical range, consider incorporating more advanced structures such as inversion, parallelism, and reduced adjective clauses. This could elevate the sophistication of the writing and enhance its overall coherence and cohesion.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Most sentences are grammatically correct, and punctuation is used effectively to enhance clarity and readability. However, there are a few instances where errors occur, such as in the phrase "So curious are some youngsters that they might blindly duplicate everything they have seen," where the placement of "so" may disrupt the flow of the sentence. Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas in lists and compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentence structures to ensure they are clear and concise. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the use of articles. Regarding punctuation, practice using commas correctly in compound sentences and lists. Proofreading the essay thoroughly before submission can help catch and correct any remaining errors, ensuring a polished final product.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent decades, there has been a notable surge in aggressive content on television and digital platforms. I firmly endorse this proposition owing to the prevalence of violence, crime, and pornography in mass media, along with the widespread transmission of violent and erroneous news online.

Today, the Internet and videos abound with depictions of violence, crime, and pornography. Some youngsters are so curious that they may blindly emulate what they see, including violent and sexual content. Consequently, these negative influences severely corrupt adolescents’ minds and fuel their violent tendencies. Without parental guidance and supervision, teenagers may replicate such behaviors, leading to anti-social acts. For example, crime documentaries and popular movies glamorizing robbery, bank heists, and murder, such as Money Heist, Dhoom, Catch Me If You Can, can inspire individuals to engage in criminal activities.

The public is undeniably exposed to a deluge of violent and false news on various digital platforms. Take the example of terrorist organizations like DAESH, which exploit various media channels to spread their brutal messages, influencing young minds to support terrorism. Consequently, widespread communal unrest is often fueled by violent and misleading news circulating on social media platforms. Moreover, the lack of credibility of such malicious information further contributes to societal discontent, exacerbating violence.

In conclusion, the portrayal of violence in the media has undoubtedly exacerbated the incidence of violent crimes in society. I fully concur that multimedia platforms have significantly contributed to this rise in violence due to the abundance of violent, criminal, and pornographic content online and in films, as well as the dissemination of inaccurate and violent news across various internet channels.