When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In this contemporary era, it is clearly evident that there are various factors which could be considered bu job seekers to select their careers. Nevertheless, a school of thought is that the level of salary is the crucial one. To my perspective, while I accept that this may suit many people, I believe that others base their job choice on more important considerations rather than salary alone. This essay will present some vivid reasons for my way of thinking.
To begin with, it is undeniable that the level of wage exert a significant impact on human livings. There are some areas where this might be evident. Firstly, it is obvious that money is indeed the critical motivation which make many high-paid workers be willing to dedicate their own lives to their work regardless of strict bosses or toxic workplace environment. Besides, the last but not the least, when it comes to livings’ demands, the influence of high-paid occupations could even be consolidated. Taking breadwinners for example, they play an important role in finacial aspects in their families.Undoubtedly, if they didn’t have the jobs which could serve all families’ demand, their families’bonds could also be crackled.
By the contrast, whereas the level of income is undoubtedly crucial in choosing a job, this cannot be the sole factor because the job’s satisfaction is also essential,too. For instance, there are some cases, although people have high-paid jobs , they cannot bear the environments there including lots of stresses,tentions, and annoying co-workers. As a result, those choose to quit the jobs and become unemployments or even opt for suiciding their lives. Moreover,from all walks of life, there are individuals who are willing to choose to pursue their dream careers despite the low-paid, they could be happier compared to others within high-paid jobs.
To sum up, although salary is truly a vital factor for choosing a great job with many opportunities to enhance worker’s social position, there are also lots of components which need focusing on, especially satisfaction.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"In this contemporary era" -> "In the present era"
Explanation: The phrase "contemporary era" is a bit redundant; using "present era" maintains formality and avoids unnecessary repetition.
"which could be considered bu job seekers" -> "that job seekers should consider"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward. The suggested alternative makes the sentence more concise and grammatically correct.
"Nevertheless, a school of thought is that the level of salary is the crucial one." -> "However, some argue that the critical factor is the salary level."
Explanation: The suggested alternative improves clarity and removes redundancy while maintaining the formal tone.
"To my perspective" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "To my perspective" is not idiomatic; "From my perspective" is a more suitable and commonly used expression.
"which make many high-paid workers be willing to dedicate their own lives" -> "that motivates many well-compensated workers to dedicate their lives"
Explanation: The suggested alternative uses more precise language and avoids awkward phrasing.
"Besides, the last but not the least" -> "Furthermore, not least"
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant. The suggested alternative is more concise and maintains formality.
"when it comes to livings’ demands" -> "in terms of the financial needs of their lives"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear. The suggested alternative provides a clearer and more precise expression.
"their families’bonds could also be crackled." -> "family bonds could also be strained."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative improves readability.
"By the contrast" -> "In contrast"
Explanation: "By the contrast" is not a standard expression. "In contrast" is a more appropriate transition.
"stress, tentions, and annoying co-workers" -> "stress, tension, and bothersome co-workers"
Explanation: "Tentions" is a misspelling; the suggested alternative corrects the error. Additionally, "bothersome" is a more formal term than "annoying."
"become unemployments" -> "become unemployed"
Explanation: "Unemployments" is incorrect; "unemployed" is the correct term.
"opt for suiciding their lives" -> "choose to end their lives"
Explanation: "Opt for suiciding" is awkward and not idiomatic. The suggested alternative uses more appropriate and sensitive language.
"there are individuals who are willing to choose to pursue" -> "some individuals are willing to pursue"
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and awkward. The suggested alternative simplifies the expression.
"although salary is truly a vital factor" -> "While salary is undeniably a crucial factor"
Explanation: The suggested alternative enhances the formality of the sentence while maintaining clarity.
"there are also lots of components" -> "various factors also play a significant role"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal. The suggested alternative uses more sophisticated language.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt – the importance of salary and other considerations in choosing a job. It discusses the impact of salary on motivation and family well-being. However, the explanation could be more detailed and specific. For instance, the mention of "various factors" could be expanded with examples, and the argument for factors other than salary could be strengthened.
- How to improve: Provide more concrete examples of factors other than salary that job seekers may consider, such as work-life balance, job satisfaction, or career growth. Ensure that each part of the prompt is explicitly addressed to enhance clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that salary alone is not the sole factor in choosing a job. However, there are instances where the expression is unclear, such as the phrase "it is undeniable that the level of wage exert a significant impact on human livings." The ideas are expressed but need smoother transitions for greater coherence.
- How to improve: Use clear and concise language to express ideas. Consider revising sentences for better flow and coherence. Reiterate the position in the conclusion to reinforce the overall stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in explanation. For example, the impact of high-paid occupations on family bonds could be elaborated with specific examples. Additionally, the point about high-paid jobs leading to stress and tension could benefit from more nuanced development.
- How to improve: Provide specific examples and details to support arguments. Elaborate on the impact of salary on different aspects of life and offer more in-depth analysis to strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the importance of salary and other considerations in choosing a job. However, there are moments of digression, such as the mention of "suiciding their lives," which might be considered overly dramatic and not directly relevant to the topic.
- How to improve: Ensure that all points made are directly related to the topic. Avoid unnecessary dramatic language and focus on providing relevant and substantive content.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed explanations, maintaining clarity in expression, extending and supporting ideas with examples, and avoiding unnecessary digressions. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more well-rounded and cohesive response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are instances where ideas could be better connected for smoother transitions. For example, the shift from discussing the impact of salary on motivation to family financial aspects could be more seamlessly integrated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the connections between ideas. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows the previous one, creating a cohesive progression of thought.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs adequately, but there is room for improvement in structuring them effectively. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, making it challenging for readers to follow the argument. The second paragraph, for instance, covers both the impact of salary on motivation and its influence on family bonds.
- How to improve: Aim for clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, focusing on a single main idea. Break down complex points into separate paragraphs to improve readability and make the essay more organized.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "to begin with" and "by contrast," but there is a need for a more diverse range of linking words and phrases. This diversity can enhance the overall coherence by signaling relationships between ideas more explicitly.
- How to improve: Incorporate a broader range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., furthermore, moreover), transition words (e.g., however, consequently), and pronouns (e.g., this, these). This will contribute to a more seamless and well-connected essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in terms of transitional elements, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices used. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more polished and logically connected piece.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are instances of varied vocabulary, such as "contemporary era," "breadwinners," and "financial aspects." However, the use of vocabulary lacks consistency, and there is a tendency to repeat certain words and phrases, limiting the overall range. For example, the frequent use of "high-paid" and "jobs" could be diversified for a richer expression.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, try incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions for commonly used terms. Replace repetitive phrases with more diverse language. Utilize specific terminology related to the essay’s content to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally lacks precision in vocabulary usage. For instance, the phrase "various factors" is vague and could be replaced with specific factors related to job selection. Additionally, the term "unemployments" is not standard English, and using "unemployment" would be more accurate.
- How to improve: Aim for precision by clearly articulating ideas with specific and accurate terms. Be mindful of using standard English, and proofread to catch any inaccuracies in vocabulary. Replace generic phrases with more exact language to enhance the overall precision of expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, such as "bu" instead of "by," "livings" instead of "living," "finacial" instead of "financial," and "tentions" instead of "tensions." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: Focus on improving spelling accuracy by proofreading the essay thoroughly. Consider using spell-check tools to catch common spelling mistakes. Practice writing to reinforce correct spelling and ensure a polished presentation.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy can contribute to a more refined and impactful expression of ideas. Aim for consistency in using varied vocabulary, strive for precision in terminology, and diligently proofread to eliminate spelling errors for an enhanced lexical performance.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences or advanced grammatical constructions. The writer tends to rely on basic sentence structures, which impacts the overall variety and sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. Introduce compound-complex sentences, use relative clauses, and experiment with different sentence types to add depth and variety to your writing. For example, instead of relying on simple sentences, try combining ideas in a single sentence using appropriate conjunctions and subordinating clauses.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that affect the overall accuracy. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("factors which could be considered bu job seekers," "money is indeed the critical motivation which make many high-paid workers"), incorrect word choices ("there are various factors which could be considered bu job seekers"), and inconsistent verb tenses ("the last but not the least, when it comes to livings’ demands").
- How to improve: Carefully proofread your essay to identify and correct grammatical errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and word choice. Additionally, use punctuation correctly; for example, ensure that commas are placed appropriately to improve clarity. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to strengthen your grammatical accuracy.
Overall, while the essay effectively conveys the writer’s perspective on the importance of job satisfaction alongside salary considerations, addressing the noted grammatical issues will contribute to a more polished and coherent piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the present era, job seekers should carefully weigh various factors when selecting their careers. However, some argue that the critical factor is the salary level. From my perspective, while I acknowledge that a competitive salary may be suitable for many individuals, I believe that others base their job choices on considerations beyond salary alone. This essay will present some vivid reasons for my way of thinking.
To begin with, it is undeniable that the level of wage exerts a significant impact on human lives. There are areas where this might be evident. Firstly, it is obvious that money serves as a critical motivation for many well-compensated workers, motivating them to dedicate their lives to their work, regardless of strict bosses or a toxic workplace environment. Furthermore, not least, in terms of the financial needs of their lives, the influence of high-paid occupations could be even more pronounced. Taking breadwinners, for example, they play a crucial role in the financial aspects of their families. Undoubtedly, if they didn’t have jobs that could meet all their families’ demands, their family bonds could also be strained.
In contrast, while the level of income is undoubtedly crucial in choosing a job, it cannot be the sole factor because job satisfaction is also essential. For instance, there are cases where individuals, despite having high-paid jobs, cannot bear the stressful environments, tensions, and bothersome co-workers. As a result, they may choose to quit their jobs and become unemployed or even opt to end their lives. Moreover, from all walks of life, there are individuals who are willing to pursue their dream careers despite the low pay, finding greater happiness compared to others in high-paid jobs.
To sum up, while salary is undeniably a crucial factor for choosing a job with many opportunities to enhance a worker’s social position, various factors also play a significant role, especially satisfaction.