Whether or not someone achieves their aim is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals are of the opinion that fortune plays a significant role in succeeding in their dreams. While I acknowledge the significance of luck, I would argue that perseverance and working hard are more essential factors, leading to achieving the goals based on several reasons that are explained in this essay.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that fortune influences enormous success. In detail, being born in advantageous circumstances such as a financial background or a supportive family can have a significant impact on developing their abilities and skills. This approach can access high-quality education which opens doors to better career prospects and personal development. As a result, someone with a strong background is more likely to encounter opportunities. This focus can create a revolt in which those with early advantages continue to have better opportunities throughout their lives, potentially leading to greater success compared to those who face more obstacles. Additionally, it is easier for individuals to own innate talent, enabling them to outperform their peers and achieve success with ease. For instance, despite a person with hearing impairment, thanks to exceptional talent, Beethoven can outperform and compose several well-known compositions in early age.
On the other hand, determination and perseverance are much more crucial factors to succeed in life. First of all, determination is one of the most vital factors to be successful. This is mainly mentioned in the fact that when people put a great effort to achieve their purposes, they are able to acquire hands-on experiences and valuable skills such as organizational skill or self-discipline, which enables them to overcome numerous hurdles. While perseverance is the ability to push through difficulties and maintain individuals’ effort over time no matter how hard they are. Rather than giving up after encountering obstacles, persevering means people deal with challenges as opportunities for growth. For instance, thanks to determination and perseverance, Cris Ronadal has become one of the most well-known footballers in his fields, achieving a prestigious reward.
In conclusion, despite the significance of fortune, there are much more essential aspects to mention, namely determination and perseverance. These efforts not only gain personal growth and abilities but also accomplish people’ goals.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals are of the opinion that" -> "Some individuals believe that"
Explanation: "Believe" is more direct and academically appropriate than "are of the opinion that," which can sound overly formal and less natural in this context.
"I would argue that" -> "I contend that"
Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal and assertive verb that is suitable for academic writing, enhancing the tone of argumentation.
"leading to achieving the goals" -> "leading to the achievement of their goals"
Explanation: The phrase "leading to the achievement of their goals" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"In detail, being born in advantageous circumstances" -> "Specifically, being born into advantageous circumstances"
Explanation: "Specifically" is more precise and formal than "In detail," and "born into" is the correct idiomatic expression for describing birth circumstances.
"This approach can access high-quality education" -> "This can provide access to high-quality education"
Explanation: "Provide access to" is the correct phrase, as "access" is typically used with "provide" in this context, not "can access."
"someone with a strong background" -> "individuals with a strong background"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal and inclusive than "someone," which is too informal for academic writing.
"This focus can create a revolt" -> "This focus can create a cycle"
Explanation: "Cycle" is a more accurate term than "revolt," which is incorrectly used here, suggesting a violent uprising rather than a continuous pattern.
"own innate talent" -> "possess innate talent"
Explanation: "Possess" is more formal and appropriate in academic contexts than "own," which can be too colloquial.
"despite a person with hearing impairment" -> "despite being hearing-impaired"
Explanation: "Being hearing-impaired" is a more concise and formal way to describe someone with a hearing impairment.
"outperform and compose several well-known compositions in early age" -> "compose several well-known compositions at an early age"
Explanation: "Compose" should be used as a verb, and "at an early age" is the correct phrase for describing age-related actions.
"determination is one of the most vital factors to be successful" -> "determination is a vital factor in achieving success"
Explanation: "A vital factor in achieving success" is grammatically correct and more formal than "to be successful," which is awkwardly phrased.
"put a great effort to achieve their purposes" -> "make a great effort to achieve their goals"
Explanation: "Make a great effort" is the correct idiomatic expression, and "goals" is more specific than "purposes" in this context.
"overcome numerous hurdles" -> "overcome numerous challenges"
Explanation: "Challenges" is more commonly used in academic and formal writing than "hurdles," which can be less formal.
"Rather than giving up after encountering obstacles" -> "Rather than giving up when faced with obstacles"
Explanation: "When faced with" is a more formal and precise way to describe the situation, improving the academic tone.
"accomplish people’ goals" -> "achieve their goals"
Explanation: "Achieve" is the correct verb for the context, and "their" should be used instead of "people’" for possessive agreement with "goals."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both the role of luck and the importance of hard work and perseverance. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position that while luck is significant, determination and hard work are more crucial. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The conclusion reiterates the main points but does not sufficiently clarify the extent of agreement or disagreement.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should explicitly state their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. For example, they could use phrases like "I partially agree" or "I strongly disagree" to clarify their stance. Additionally, providing a more balanced discussion of both sides could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that emphasizes the importance of perseverance and hard work over luck. However, the transition between the two sides could be more fluid. The section discussing luck feels somewhat isolated, and the connection to the main argument could be made clearer.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position throughout, the writer should use transitional phrases that link the discussion of luck back to their main argument. For instance, after discussing the advantages of luck, they could explicitly state how these advantages can be leveraged through hard work. This would create a more cohesive narrative.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas and supports them with examples, such as the reference to Beethoven and Cristiano Ronaldo. However, some points could be developed further. For instance, the discussion on how perseverance leads to personal growth could include more specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate the point.
- How to improve: To effectively present and extend ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed examples or explanations. Including statistics, studies, or more personal anecdotes could provide stronger support for their claims. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea will help in structuring the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the roles of luck and hard work in achieving success. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing Beethoven’s talent without clearly linking it back to the main argument about luck versus hard work.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every example directly relates back to the thesis statement. They could achieve this by explicitly connecting examples to the main argument in the analysis. For instance, when mentioning Beethoven, the writer could clarify how his talent, while significant, was also complemented by his perseverance in overcoming challenges.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By refining the clarity of the position, expanding on ideas with more specific examples, and ensuring that all points are tightly connected to the main argument, the writer can enhance their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the argument, indicating that the essay will discuss both the role of luck and the importance of perseverance. Each body paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, with the first discussing the influence of luck and the second emphasizing determination and perseverance. However, the transition between ideas, particularly within paragraphs, could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing advantages of a supportive background to the example of Beethoven feels abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that connect ideas more seamlessly. For instance, after discussing the advantages of a supportive background, you could introduce Beethoven’s example with a phrase like, "A notable illustration of this is Beethoven, who, despite his challenges, exemplified how talent can lead to success." This would help create a more cohesive narrative.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific point. The first paragraph focuses on the role of luck, while the second emphasizes hard work and perseverance. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. For instance, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence explicitly stating that luck significantly influences success.
- How to improve: Strengthen topic sentences to clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. For example, rephrase the first body paragraph’s opening to something like, "Luck plays a crucial role in determining an individual’s success, particularly through factors such as background and innate talent." This will guide the reader more effectively through your argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to contrast the two viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and some sentences lack clear connections. For instance, the phrase "This approach can access high-quality education" could be more explicitly linked to the previous sentence to clarify how it relates to the argument about luck.
- How to improve: Diversify your use of cohesive devices by incorporating more linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In addition" to introduce supporting ideas, and "However," or "Conversely" to present counterarguments. Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one, enhancing overall coherence.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "perseverance," "advantageous circumstances," and "self-discipline" showcasing a good level of lexical variety. However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks sophistication in certain areas. For instance, the phrase "achieving the goals" could be varied with alternatives such as "realizing aspirations" or "attaining objectives."
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeating "success," consider using "achievement," "triumph," or "accomplishment" in different contexts. Additionally, exploring idiomatic expressions or phrases related to success and determination could enrich the vocabulary further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "create a revolt" is misleading in the context and could confuse readers. The intended meaning seems to relate to the ongoing cycle of privilege rather than an actual revolt. Furthermore, the phrase "thanks to exceptional talent, Beethoven can outperform" should be revised to "thanks to his exceptional talent, Beethoven was able to outperform" for better clarity and grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should carefully consider the context in which words are used. It is advisable to double-check the meanings of words and phrases to ensure they convey the intended message. Using a thesaurus can help find more appropriate terms, but it’s crucial to understand the nuances of each word to avoid miscommunication.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Cris Ronadal" instead of "Cristiano Ronaldo," "in early age" should be "at an early age," and "people’ goals" should be "people’s goals." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy before submission. This can include reading the essay aloud, using spell-check tools, or asking a peer to review the work. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can significantly improve spelling skills over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score. Focusing on these areas will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduce contrasting ideas, while the use of subordinate clauses (e.g., "when people put a great effort to achieve their purposes") adds depth to the arguments presented. However, some sentences are overly long and could benefit from being broken down for clarity. For example, the sentence beginning with "This approach can access high-quality education…" is quite lengthy and could confuse readers.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied sentence openings and using different conjunctions to connect ideas. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This" or "Additionally," try using phrases like "Moreover," or "Furthermore," to enhance the flow. Additionally, aim to balance longer sentences with shorter, punchy ones to maintain reader engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For example, "despite a person with hearing impairment" should be rephrased to "despite being a person with a hearing impairment," to improve clarity. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "Cris Ronadal has become one of the most well-known footballers in his fields," where "fields" should be singular ("field"). Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas are needed for clarity, such as before "thanks to determination and perseverance."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure that all subjects match their verbs in number. Additionally, practice identifying where commas are necessary to separate clauses or items in a list. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for smoother revisions.

By focusing on these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals believe that fortune plays a significant role in achieving their dreams. While I acknowledge the importance of luck, I contend that perseverance and hard work are more essential factors, leading to the achievement of goals for several reasons that are explained in this essay.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that luck influences significant success. Specifically, being born into advantageous circumstances, such as a strong financial background or a supportive family, can greatly impact the development of one’s abilities and skills. This can provide access to high-quality education, which opens doors to better career prospects and personal development. As a result, someone with a solid background is more likely to encounter opportunities. This focus can create a cycle in which those with early advantages continue to have better opportunities throughout their lives, potentially leading to greater success compared to those who face more obstacles. Additionally, it is easier for individuals to possess innate talent, enabling them to outperform their peers and achieve success with relative ease. For instance, despite being hearing-impaired, Beethoven was able to compose several well-known compositions at an early age, showcasing his exceptional talent.

On the other hand, determination and perseverance are much more crucial factors for success in life. First of all, determination is a vital factor in achieving success. This is mainly evident in the fact that when people make a great effort to achieve their goals, they acquire hands-on experiences and valuable skills, such as organizational skills and self-discipline, which enable them to overcome numerous challenges. Perseverance, on the other hand, is the ability to push through difficulties and maintain one’s efforts over time, no matter how hard the circumstances may be. Rather than giving up when faced with obstacles, persevering means that individuals view challenges as opportunities for growth. For instance, thanks to his determination and perseverance, Cristiano Ronaldo has become one of the most well-known footballers in his field, achieving prestigious awards.

In conclusion, despite the significance of luck, there are far more essential aspects to consider, namely determination and perseverance. These efforts not only foster personal growth and abilities but also help individuals achieve their goals.