"Why is it not necessary for people to follow traditions when they move to a new country"?

People don’t need to follow local traditions and costum when they move to a new country to express that they respect the new area.
Because people can use another way to show their respect by learning and showing their interest in the tradition and custom which makes them more polite in the local people’s eyes.
Besides that, it’s also important to keep their own culture what make them feel connected to their roots and remember where they come from. It understanded like a part of identity.
In some case, the tradition and costum of this country might not suit for everyone, it could be opposite to where someone born and grow up and make somebody feel uncomfortable when follow it. Example, while cheek kissing as a way to greet in the Western countries but it’s not usual in the Eastern countries, where don’t favor body contact…
And better is balance between two things. Still participate in the local traditions but don’t forget practicing everyone’s tradition at home.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"People don’t need to follow local traditions and costum" -> "Individuals are not obligated to adhere to local traditions and customs"
Explanation: Replacing "People don’t need" with "Individuals are not obligated to" formalizes the tone and removes the contraction, aligning with academic style. "Costum" should be corrected to "customs" for grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"to express that they respect the new area" -> "to demonstrate their respect for the new environment"
Explanation: "Demonstrate their respect for the new environment" is more precise and formal, replacing the vague "new area" with "new environment" which better encompasses the cultural context.
"Because people can use another way to show their respect" -> "Because individuals can employ alternative methods to demonstrate their respect"
Explanation: "Employ alternative methods" is more formal and precise than "use another way," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in academic writing for a more formal tone.
"which makes them more polite in the local people’s eyes" -> "which enhances their politeness in the eyes of the local population"
Explanation: "Enhances their politeness" is a more formal expression than "makes them more polite," and "in the eyes of the local population" is more precise and formal than "in the local people’s eyes."
"It understanded like a part of identity" -> "It is understood as an integral part of their identity"
Explanation: "It is understood as an integral part of their identity" corrects the grammatical error "understanded" to "understood" and uses "integral part" to convey a stronger connection to identity.
"the tradition and costum of this country might not suit for everyone" -> "the traditions and customs of this country may not suit everyone"
Explanation: "Traditions and customs" should be plural to match the context, and "may not suit everyone" is grammatically correct and more formal than "might not suit for everyone."
"it could be opposite to where someone born and grow up" -> "it could be contrary to where someone was born and grew up"
Explanation: "Contrary to where someone was born and grew up" corrects the grammatical errors and uses the past perfect tense for consistency and formality.
"make somebody feel uncomfortable when follow it" -> "make someone feel uncomfortable when following it"
Explanation: "Make someone feel uncomfortable when following it" corrects the verb tense and uses "someone" instead of "somebody" for a more formal tone.
"cheek kissing as a way to greet in the Western countries" -> "cheek kissing as a greeting method in Western countries"
Explanation: "Greeting method" is a more precise term than "way to greet," and "in Western countries" is grammatically correct.
"it’s not usual in the Eastern countries, where don’t favor body contact" -> "it is not customary in Eastern countries, where body contact is not favored"
Explanation: "It is not customary" and "body contact is not favored" correct the grammatical structure and enhance the formality of the sentence.
"And better is balance between two things" -> "A balance between these two aspects is preferable"
Explanation: "A balance between these two aspects is preferable" corrects the awkward phrasing and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by arguing that it is not necessary for people to follow local traditions when they move to a new country. However, it only partially explores the reasons behind this assertion. The points made about respect and cultural identity are relevant, but they lack depth and do not fully engage with the implications of the question. For instance, the essay mentions that people can show respect through interest in local customs, but it does not elaborate on how this might manifest in practice or why it might be preferable to following traditions outright.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the essay should include more comprehensive arguments that explore the benefits and drawbacks of following traditions versus maintaining one’s own. Providing specific examples or scenarios where individuals might choose one over the other would enhance the discussion and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that people do not need to follow local traditions, but this stance is not consistently maintained throughout the text. The introduction suggests that respect can be shown in alternative ways, yet the conclusion introduces the idea of balance without clearly reconciling it with the initial argument. This inconsistency can confuse the reader about the author’s true stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the essay should consistently reinforce the main argument throughout each paragraph. This can be achieved by restating the thesis in different ways as the essay progresses and ensuring that each supporting point directly relates back to the central claim.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat underdeveloped. For example, the mention of cultural discomfort due to differing traditions is a valid point, but it is not sufficiently explored. The essay lacks specific examples or evidence to support its claims, which weakens the overall argument. The discussion about the balance between local and personal traditions is also vague and lacks concrete examples.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the essay should include more detailed explanations and examples. Each point made should be followed by an elaboration that connects it to the main argument. Incorporating real-life examples or hypothetical scenarios would provide clarity and strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the necessity of following traditions in a new country. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly when discussing the balance between local and personal traditions. This shift can detract from the main argument and lead to a less cohesive essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should clearly define the main argument at the outset and ensure that all subsequent points directly support this argument. Avoid introducing new ideas that may distract from the central theme, and instead, expand on the existing points to provide a more thorough exploration of the topic.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on expanding their arguments, providing clear examples, maintaining a consistent position, and ensuring that all points are relevant to the main topic. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is crucial, as essays that are under the required length may not fully develop their ideas, leading to a lower score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that people do not need to follow local traditions when moving to a new country. The ideas are generally organized, with a progression from the introduction of the main argument to supporting points about respect and cultural identity. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing respect to the importance of maintaining one’s own culture lacks a clear connection, making it slightly disjointed. The mention of specific examples, such as cheek kissing, is relevant but could be better integrated into the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly connects to the main thesis. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help clarify the main idea. Additionally, linking sentences that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs would improve coherence. For example, after discussing respect, a sentence could be added to transition into the importance of cultural identity.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness could be improved. The first paragraph introduces the main idea, but subsequent points are somewhat jumbled together, making it difficult to distinguish between different arguments. The lack of clear paragraph breaks for distinct ideas can confuse the reader and disrupt the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. For instance, one paragraph could focus solely on the importance of respecting local traditions, while another could discuss the significance of maintaining one’s own culture. Additionally, each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "besides that" and "in some case," but the range and effectiveness of these devices are limited. The transitions between ideas can feel abrupt, and the use of cohesive devices does not always enhance the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "and better is balance between two things" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "however," "on the other hand," and "in addition." These can help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, revising awkward phrases for clarity and grammatical correctness will enhance cohesion. For instance, rephrasing "and better is balance between two things" to "a better approach is to find a balance between participating in local traditions and practicing one’s own culture at home" would improve clarity and coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "respect," "culture," and "identity" being effectively employed. However, there are instances of repetitive vocabulary, such as "tradition" and "custom," which are used multiple times without variation. For example, the phrase "tradition and custom" appears repetitively, which could have been diversified with synonyms or related terms like "cultural practices" or "heritage."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "tradition and custom," they could use "cultural norms" or "local practices." Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to the topic could elevate the essay’s overall quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "it understanded like a part of identity" contains a grammatical error and misuses "understanded," which should be "is understood." Furthermore, the phrase "the tradition and costum of this country might not suit for everyone" is awkwardly phrased; "suit for" should be corrected to "suit everyone" or "be suitable for everyone."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using the correct forms of words and ensuring that phrases are grammatically accurate. Proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward constructions will help clarify meaning. Additionally, using more specific terms when discussing concepts can enhance precision; for example, instead of "make somebody feel uncomfortable," one might say "may cause discomfort."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, notably "costum" instead of "custom," and "understanded" instead of "understood." These errors can disrupt the reader’s understanding and detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice and utilize tools such as spell checkers or proofreading software. Additionally, reading more extensively can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts. Keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them frequently can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay presents a coherent argument, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will contribute significantly to achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt at variety in sentence structure, with a mix of simple and compound sentences. For example, the sentence "Because people can use another way to show their respect by learning and showing their interest in the tradition and custom which makes them more polite in the local people’s eyes" combines multiple clauses, indicating an effort to create complexity. However, the overall range of structures is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or poorly constructed, such as "It understanded like a part of identity," which is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences, including subordinate clauses and varied sentence openings. For instance, instead of starting sentences with "Because" or "Besides that," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses to create more sophisticated sentence beginnings. Additionally, incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If people choose to embrace local traditions…") could add depth to the argument.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity and coherence. For example, "costum" should be "custom," and "what make them feel connected" should be "that makes them feel connected." The phrase "It understanded like a part of identity" is incorrect; the correct form would be "It is understood as a part of identity." Furthermore, punctuation is often misused or absent, such as in the run-on sentence that begins with "In some case," which should be split for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that sentences are not overly long or complex can help improve clarity. Using tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also aid in identifying and correcting mistakes before submission.

Overall, while the essay presents some valid points, the grammatical range and accuracy need significant improvement to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision will be crucial for future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

People don’t need to follow local traditions and customs when they move to a new country to demonstrate their respect for the new environment. Because individuals can employ alternative methods to show their respect by learning about and expressing interest in the traditions and customs, which enhances their politeness in the eyes of the local population.

Besides that, it’s also important to maintain their own culture, which helps them feel connected to their roots and remember where they come from. It is understood as an integral part of their identity. In some cases, the traditions and customs of this country may not suit everyone; they could be contrary to where someone was born and grew up, and this might make someone feel uncomfortable when following them. For example, while cheek kissing is a common greeting method in Western countries, it is not customary in Eastern countries, where body contact is not favored.

A balance between these two aspects is preferable. Individuals can still participate in local traditions while also practicing their own traditions at home.