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With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

With the pressures on today’s young people to succeed academically, some people believe that non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, there is a reality that young people are suffering from a variety of pressures not only from society but also from school. Therefore, many suggest that non-academic subjects be eliminated from the syllabus in an attempt to reduce their burden. I, however, do not agree with this opinion and will have this essay demonstrate my reasons.Firstly, non-educational subjects contribute to creating a cheerful school environment. After stressful classes filled with sequences of numbers and complicated theories, students have the opportunity to have fun with each other in physical education sessions. Moreover, they are also keeping themselves in shape due to the intense exercise it offers, as well as learning to cooperate and building interpersonal skills. If educationalists remove physical training, it is safe to say that a large number of students will be left physically weak or struggling in teamwork tasks in the future.Secondly, youngsters should be allowed to explore their interests with the teachers' guidance. Some might figure out they want to be a cook at the age of twenty-five, or an athlete competing at the Olympics. Without the appearance of extracurricular subjects, the young will find it perfectly boring to go to school and thus play truant. Should they be forced to attend these unattractive classes, no academic achievements will be gained.In conclusion, I truly believe that removing non-academic subjects makes teenagers feel neither more relaxed nor encouraged to study more. If anything, it will only end up being an additional pressure on them.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Nowadays, there is a reality that young people are suffering from a variety of pressures not only from society but also from school." -> "Currently, young people face a multitude of pressures, stemming not only from society but also from the educational system."
    Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "Currently" enhances the formality of the introduction. Additionally, the phrase "there is a reality that" is redundant and can be streamlined for clarity.

  2. "many suggest that non-academic subjects be eliminated from the syllabus" -> "many propose the elimination of non-academic subjects from the curriculum."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains formality and precision. The use of "propose" is more academically appropriate than "suggest," and "curriculum" is a more formal term than "syllabus."

  3. "I, however, do not agree with this opinion and will have this essay demonstrate my reasons." -> "I, however, disagree with this viewpoint and will illustrate my reasons in this essay."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language by replacing "opinion" with "viewpoint" and "have this essay demonstrate" with "illustrate in this essay."

  4. "Firstly, non-educational subjects contribute to creating a cheerful school environment." -> "Firstly, non-academic subjects contribute to fostering a positive school environment."
    Explanation: The term "non-educational" is replaced with "non-academic" for consistency and formality. "Fostering a positive school environment" is more precise than "creating a cheerful school environment."

  5. "After stressful classes filled with sequences of numbers and complicated theories" -> "After challenging classes involving numerical sequences and complex theories"
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains clarity while using more formal language. "Involving" is a more precise term than "filled with."

  6. "Moreover, they are also keeping themselves in shape due to the intense exercise it offers, as well as learning to cooperate and building interpersonal skills." -> "Moreover, students maintain physical fitness through the rigorous exercise it provides, while also acquiring cooperation and interpersonal skills."
    Explanation: The improved sentence uses more formal language, replacing "keeping themselves in shape" with "maintain physical fitness" and restructuring the sentence for clarity.

  7. "If educationalists remove physical training, it is safe to say that a large number of students will be left physically weak or struggling in teamwork tasks in the future." -> "The removal of physical training by educators could result in a significant number of students being left physically unfit and facing challenges in future teamwork tasks."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more formal vocabulary, such as "educators" instead of "educationalists," and provides a clearer expression of the consequences.

  8. "Secondly, youngsters should be allowed to explore their interests with the teachers’ guidance." -> "Secondly, young individuals should be permitted to explore their interests under the guidance of teachers."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language, replacing "youngsters" with "young individuals" and restructuring for clarity.

  9. "Without the appearance of extracurricular subjects, the young will find it perfectly boring to go to school and thus play truant." -> "Without the inclusion of extracurricular subjects, young individuals may find attending school unappealing and consequently engage in truancy."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality, replacing "appearance" with "inclusion" and using more precise language.

  10. "Should they be forced to attend these unattractive classes, no academic achievements will be gained." -> "Compelling them to attend these unappealing classes may hinder the attainment of academic achievements."
    Explanation: The improved sentence uses more formal language, replacing "forced" with "compelling" and rephrasing for clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear response to all parts of the question. It addresses both the idea of removing non-academic subjects from the syllabus and the impact on students, presenting arguments against the removal.
    • How to improve: To enhance completeness, consider providing a brief acknowledgment of the opposing view before presenting your arguments. This can demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, arguing against the removal of non-academic subjects. The stance is evident in the introduction and sustained in the body paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that reinforces your position. This can enhance the overall organization and coherence of the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas adequately. It provides examples, such as the benefits of physical education and the importance of exploring interests, to support the argument.
    • How to improve: To add depth, consider providing more specific examples or elaborating further on existing ones. This can enhance the persuasiveness of your arguments and demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the impact of removing non-academic subjects on students and their overall well-being.
    • How to improve: Be cautious of potential tangential points. While the essay is mostly focused, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central argument. This can help maintain a more focused and cohesive essay.

Overall Comments:
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, maintaining a clear position and providing reasonable support for its arguments. To enhance the essay, consider acknowledging the opposing view briefly, strengthening topic sentences for each paragraph, providing more specific examples, and ensuring the avoidance of tangential points. The writing is clear, and the ideas are well-expressed, contributing to a cohesive and convincing response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It introduces the topic clearly, discussing the pressures faced by young people and presenting a clear stance against the removal of non-academic subjects. Each body paragraph supports a separate argument, with the first addressing the positive aspects of non-academic subjects and the second focusing on the importance of allowing youngsters to explore their interests. The conclusion succinctly restates the writer’s opinion. However, there are minor issues with the sequencing of ideas, especially in transitioning between some sentences and paragraphs. For instance, the connection between stress and the need for non-academic subjects could be more explicitly linked.
    • How to improve: Strengthen coherence by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the logical progression of arguments. Consider connecting the discussion of stress directly to the benefits of non-academic subjects to enhance the flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs appropriate paragraphing, with clear separation of distinct ideas. Each paragraph introduces and elaborates on a specific point – the importance of non-academic subjects in reducing stress and aiding physical and social development, and the significance of allowing students to explore their interests. However, while the content within paragraphs is relevant, some sentences could be more tightly linked, enhancing the overall coherence within paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Focus on the internal coherence within paragraphs by ensuring that each sentence contributes directly to the main idea of the paragraph. Use topic sentences and supporting details effectively to create stronger connections between sentences and maintain a clear flow of thought within each paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "Firstly," "Moreover," and "Secondly," to signal the sequence of arguments. Additionally, it uses pronouns (‘they,’ ‘it’) and repetition (‘without the appearance of extracurricular subjects’) for cohesion. However, the range of cohesive devices used is limited, and the essay would benefit from a more varied and sophisticated use of linking words, conjunctions, and synonyms to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices used. Incorporate a variety of linking words (e.g., "furthermore," "consequently," "however") and transition phrases to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, consider using synonyms or parallel structures to avoid repetitive language and improve overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear position and adequate organization, enhancing coherence through improved transitions, tighter paragraph structure, and a more varied use of cohesive devices would elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a moderate range of vocabulary. There is a fair attempt to vary word choice, but it falls short of demonstrating a consistently wide and nuanced vocabulary. For instance, the repetition of phrases such as "non-academic subjects" could be diversified for a richer lexical variety. Additionally, some terms, like "cheerful school environment," could be replaced with more precise and sophisticated expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, the author could incorporate more synonyms and explore alternative expressions for commonly used terms. Substituting general phrases with more specific and sophisticated vocabulary will contribute to a more varied and refined language. For example, replacing "cheerful school environment" with "a conducive and vibrant learning atmosphere" would be an improvement.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary, with words effectively conveying intended meanings. However, there are instances where word choices could be more exact. For example, the phrase "sequences of numbers and complicated theories" might benefit from specifying the nature of the theories and the complexity involved. This precision would strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, provide more details when discussing abstract concepts. Instead of using broad terms like "complicated theories," delve into specific examples or types of theories. This not only adds clarity but also showcases a deeper understanding of the subject matter.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays an acceptable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few minor errors, such as "educationalists," which should be "educators." Additionally, the phrase "play truant" could be more accurately expressed as "play hooky."
    • How to improve: Paying closer attention to spelling details, especially with subject-specific terms, is crucial. Proofreading the essay before submission will help catch and correct such errors. Additionally, considering the use of alternative phrases or idioms, such as "skip class" instead of "play truant," could further enhance language precision.

Overall, the essay demonstrates competence in lexical resource, but improvements in vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy would contribute to a more sophisticated and polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a varied range of sentence structures, incorporating both complex and simple sentences. It utilizes introductory clauses ("Nowadays," "Firstly," "Secondly") effectively to structure arguments. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of sentence types, especially in complex compound sentences and conditional structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance structural variety, consider employing compound and complex sentences more frequently. For instance, integrate sentences using subordinating conjunctions (e.g., "although," "while") to connect ideas. Experiment with conditional structures (e.g., "If… then" statements) to add depth and complexity to arguments.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar, with accurate usage of tenses and sentence structures. However, occasional errors in subject-verb agreement ("non-academic subjects be eliminated") and article usage ("the young will find it") detract slightly from precision.
    • How to improve: To improve accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and article usage. Practice identifying singular/plural subjects to match verbs correctly. Also, pay attention to article usage before singular countable nouns; revise by examining how articles ("a," "an," "the") impact sentence meaning.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage generally maintains coherence, but inconsistencies arise, such as missing commas after introductory phrases ("After stressful classes," "Moreover") and inconsistent use of commas for clarity.
    • How to improve: Consistency in comma usage after introductory elements is crucial for clarity. Ensure to place commas after introductory phrases to signal shifts in the sentence. Also, revise the use of commas within compound sentences to maintain a smooth flow and avoid confusion.

Overall, the essay effectively communicates ideas with a reasonable range of structures and grammatical accuracy. To improve, focus on diversifying sentence structures further, refining grammar accuracy, and maintaining consistent punctuation usage, particularly with introductory phrases and compound sentences.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, young people encounter various pressures, not only from society but also from the educational system. Some argue for the removal of non-academic subjects from the curriculum to alleviate this burden. However, I respectfully disagree with this perspective, and I will outline my reasons in this essay.

Firstly, non-academic subjects play a crucial role in fostering a positive school environment. Following challenging classes involving numerical sequences and complex theories, students have the opportunity to unwind and enjoy physical education sessions. Additionally, these sessions contribute to maintaining physical fitness, fostering cooperation, and enhancing interpersonal skills. If educators were to eliminate physical training, a substantial number of students might find themselves physically unfit and encounter difficulties in future teamwork tasks.

Secondly, it is important to allow young individuals to explore their interests under the guidance of teachers. Without the inclusion of extracurricular subjects, students may perceive attending school as unappealing, leading to potential truancy. Compelling them to attend these less appealing classes could hinder their academic achievements.

In conclusion, the presence of non-academic subjects not only contributes to a positive school atmosphere but also allows students to explore their interests. Removing these subjects may not only fail to alleviate the pressures on teenagers but could potentially add to their burdens.

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