Write a 250-word essay for the topic: Many children spend too much time on computers. What problems can this cause? What can be the solutions?

Spending too much time on computers is indeed common for many children. This can produce some detrimental effects, which require possible solutions to be adopted.

There are many issues stemming from the fact that there is an increasing number of children who spend too much time on computers. One obvious is that it can affect the health of children who use it for long hours as it can trigger various problems related to eyesight and posture. For example, they are left with no time for physical activities due to overindulgence in online tasks which can make them obese and can cause various other diseases. Another negative effect is that with the presence of various interesting content on computers, students can neglect their studies.

Despite these problems, various actions can be taken to mitigate the situation. The first possible measure is that parents should limit their children's use of computers because it can harm children’s health and should spend more time with their children doing outdoor activities, and therefore which can improve health. The second approach is that schools should propagate and educate students about health risks when using computers such as eyesight issues, and obesity.

In conclusion, although the fact that it is common for children to spend much time on computers can give rise to many consequences, several steps can be taken to combat the situation.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Spending too much time on computers is indeed common for many children." -> "Excessive computer usage is prevalent among many children."
Explanation: Replacing "Spending too much time on computers" with "Excessive computer usage" maintains clarity while employing a more formal tone.
"This can produce some detrimental effects, which require possible solutions to be adopted." -> "This can lead to adverse effects, necessitating the implementation of solutions."
Explanation: "Detrimental effects" is replaced with "adverse effects" for a more formal expression. Additionally, "require possible solutions to be adopted" is replaced with "necessitating the implementation of solutions" for conciseness and formality.
"One obvious is that it can affect the health of children who use it for long hours as it can trigger various problems related to eyesight and posture." -> "One evident consequence is its potential impact on children’s health, manifesting in issues such as eyesight and posture-related problems."
Explanation: "One obvious is" is replaced with "One evident consequence is" for a more formal expression. "Affect" is replaced with "impact" for precision and formality. The sentence is rephrased for clarity and academic tone.
"For example, they are left with no time for physical activities due to overindulgence in online tasks which can make them obese and can cause various other diseases." -> "For instance, excessive screen time leaves them with insufficient opportunity for physical activities, predisposing them to obesity and other health ailments."
Explanation: "They are left with no time" is replaced with "excessive screen time leaves them with insufficient opportunity" for conciseness and formality. "Overindulgence in online tasks" is replaced with "excessive screen time" for clarity and precision.
"Another negative effect is that with the presence of various interesting content on computers, students can neglect their studies." -> "Another adverse consequence is the allure of captivating online content, leading students to neglect their academic pursuits."
Explanation: "Negative effect" is replaced with "adverse consequence" for a more formal expression. "With the presence of" is replaced with "the allure of" for conciseness and clarity.
"Despite these problems, various actions can be taken to mitigate the situation." -> "Nevertheless, several measures can be implemented to alleviate the situation."
Explanation: "Various actions can be taken" is replaced with "several measures can be implemented" for a more formal expression. "Mitigate" is replaced with "alleviate" for variety and formality.
"The first possible measure is that parents should limit their children’s use of computers because it can harm children’s health and should spend more time with their children doing outdoor activities, and therefore which can improve health." -> "The primary measure involves parental restriction on children’s computer usage to safeguard their health and promote outdoor activities, consequently enhancing their overall well-being."
Explanation: The sentence is restructured for clarity and conciseness. "Should limit their children’s use of computers because it can harm children’s health" is replaced with "involves parental restriction on children’s computer usage to safeguard their health" for clarity and formality. "Should spend more time with their children doing outdoor activities" is replaced with "promote outdoor activities" for conciseness and clarity.
"The second approach is that schools should propagate and educate students about health risks when using computers such as eyesight issues, and obesity." -> "Another approach entails schools propagating awareness and educating students about the health risks associated with computer usage, including concerns such as eyesight issues and obesity."
Explanation: "Propagate and educate" is replaced with "propagating awareness and educating" for clarity and conciseness. "When using computers such as" is replaced with "associated with computer usage, including concerns such as" for clarity and specificity.
"In conclusion, although the fact that it is common for children to spend much time on computers can give rise to many consequences, several steps can be taken to combat the situation." -> "In conclusion, despite the prevalence of excessive computer usage among children and its associated consequences, proactive measures can be implemented to address this issue."
Explanation: "Although the fact that" is replaced with "despite the prevalence of" for conciseness and formality. "Can give rise to many consequences" is replaced with "and its associated consequences" for clarity and formality. "Several steps can be taken to combat the situation" is replaced with "proactive measures can be implemented to address this issue" for clarity and conciseness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:

Detailed explanation: The essay identifies problems and solutions related to children spending too much time on computers, aligning with the prompt’s requirements. However, it lacks in-depth analysis and diversity in the examples provided. While it does mention health issues like eyesight and obesity, and suggests parental control and educational efforts as solutions, the coverage of these ideas feels somewhat superficial and underdeveloped.
How to improve: To enhance the response to the prompt, the essay should explore a wider range of issues and solutions. For example, it could discuss social or psychological effects in addition to physical health. It should also include a broader spectrum of solutions, perhaps considering technological tools or community programs that can help manage children’s screen time.

Present a Clear Position Throughout:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents a consistent position that spending too much time on computers has negative effects on children and that measures need to be taken to mitigate these effects. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, from the introduction through to the conclusion.
How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could explicitly state their main argument in the introduction and use it to guide the development of each paragraph. This would ensure that each part of the essay contributes to reinforcing the stated position.

Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas but struggles with extending and thoroughly supporting them. The mention of health issues like eyesight problems and obesity is a good start, but the supporting details are limited. The examples provided are generic and do not delve deeply into how these problems manifest or how they could be specifically addressed beyond general suggestions.
How to improve: The writer should extend each idea by explaining more about why these issues are significant and how the proposed solutions can effectively address them. Use of data, research findings, or more detailed examples could enrich the argument. Additionally, discussing potential challenges to these solutions and how they might be overcome would add depth to the essay.

Stay on Topic:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the problems caused by excessive computer use among children and suggesting solutions. However, some parts of the essay feel a bit repetitive and vague, which may detract from its focus.
How to improve: To maintain better focus, the writer should aim for a more structured approach in presenting each problem and solution. Clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help in maintaining focus and ensuring that all content is relevant to the prompt. Avoiding repetition and ensuring each sentence adds new information or insight would also help in keeping the essay tightly on topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates an understanding of the task but falls short in developing and supporting its points comprehensively, which is reflected in the band score of 6. Improving in these areas will not only address the prompt more effectively but also enhance the overall coherence and depth of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that presents the issue and the proposed solutions, followed by body paragraphs that delve into the problems caused by excessive computer use and potential remedies. Each paragraph discusses a different aspect of the issue, maintaining a clear progression of ideas. However, there could be a smoother transition between the paragraph discussing the problems and the paragraph outlining the solutions.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transition between paragraphs to ensure a seamless flow of ideas. For instance, a transitional sentence at the end of the paragraph discussing the problems could explicitly lead into the paragraph introducing the solutions, thereby reinforcing the connection between the two sections.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to organize its content. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the topic, such as the health consequences of excessive computer use and potential solutions. Additionally, the paragraphs exhibit coherence within themselves, with clear topic sentences and supporting details.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph maintains a unified focus on its main idea. This can be achieved by consistently linking supporting details back to the central topic sentence. Additionally, consider varying the length and structure of sentences within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "Despite these problems" and "In conclusion," which guide the reader through the essay’s progression. Additionally, cohesive devices such as pronouns ("it," "they") help maintain continuity between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: While the essay incorporates cohesive devices adequately, diversifying the range of such devices can further enhance coherence. Consider incorporating a wider array of transitional phrases and conjunctions to establish clearer relationships between ideas. Furthermore, pay attention to the consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain coherence effectively.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, with varied word choices such as "detrimental effects," "overindulgence," "mitigate," and "propagate." However, some phrases are repetitive, like "too much time on computers," which could be replaced with synonyms or alternative expressions to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, try to incorporate more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary throughout the essay. Instead of repeating "too much time on computers," consider using synonyms such as "excessive computer usage," "prolonged computer exposure," or "exorbitant screen time."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, such as "obese" and "neglect." However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "various interesting content" could be more specific, such as "diverse and engaging online materials."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, aim to use more specific and concise vocabulary. Instead of general terms like "various" or "interesting," opt for words that convey exact meanings. For instance, instead of "various interesting content," consider using "a wide array of captivating content."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, with no major errors observed. However, there are a few minor issues, such as "propagate" (should be "promote" or "raise awareness of") and "neglect" (should be "neglecting").
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools and proofreading your work carefully. Additionally, expanding your vocabulary can help you choose the correct spelling of words.

Overall, while your essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary and generally accurate spelling, there is room for improvement in terms of lexical variety and precision. To enhance your Lexical Resource score, focus on using a wider range of vocabulary, choosing words more precisely, and ensuring correct spelling throughout your essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex constructions. Simple sentences, such as "Spending too much time on computers is indeed common for many children," are effectively interspersed with more complex ones like "One obvious is that it can affect the health of children who use it for long hours as it can trigger various problems related to eyesight and posture." Additionally, there is an attempt to use transitional phrases like "despite these problems" to vary the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating compound and compound-complex sentences to add complexity and depth to the arguments. Introduce a wider variety of transitional phrases and conjunctions to improve coherence and cohesion.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some instances where incorrect verb tense usage is observed, such as "One obvious is that it can affect the health of children who use it for long hours." The phrase "One obvious" lacks agreement in subject-verb agreement, and it should be "One obvious problem is that it can affect the health…" Additionally, there are a few punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases like "For example."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation rules. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct such errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify areas of improvement in grammar and punctuation.

Bài sửa mẫu

Excessive computer usage is prevalent among many children, leading to a variety of problems. This trend necessitates viable solutions to address the issues at hand.

One primary concern arising from children spending too much time on computers is its adverse impact on their health. Extended screen time can lead to various health issues, such as eye strain and poor posture. Additionally, excessive computer use often replaces physical activities, contributing to problems like obesity and other related ailments. Moreover, the allure of online content can distract students from their academic responsibilities, potentially hindering their educational progress.

To tackle these challenges, proactive measures can be implemented. Firstly, parents play a crucial role in regulating their children’s computer usage. Setting limits and encouraging outdoor activities can promote better health and balance in their lives. Secondly, schools can raise awareness among students about the health risks associated with prolonged computer use, emphasizing the importance of taking breaks and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

In conclusion, while the prevalence of children spending excessive time on computers poses significant concerns, proactive steps can be taken to address these issues effectively. By promoting moderation and awareness, both parents and educators can mitigate the negative effects of excessive computer usage on children’s health and well-being.