Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic. Some people say that all citizens should be given complete freedom to express their personal opinions and concerns about every social problem on the Internet, while others say that this may worsen the situation in reality. Discuss both views and give your own opinions. Give reasons and relevant examples to support your answer.
Write an essay of about 350 words on the following topic.
Some people say that all citizens should be given complete freedom to express their personal opinions and concerns about every social problem on the Internet, while others say that this may worsen the situation in reality.
Discuss both views and give your own opinions.
Give reasons and relevant examples to support your answer.
There are a proportion of individuals suggest that all citizens should have permission to express or repress their personal opinions about those phenomena on the internet. However, others suppose that it can be used to propagate misleading information. Before giving my own perspective, I will discuss the statement in both views.
Admittedly, there are good reasons to say that social shares help people connect and empathize with others, fostering social bonds. For example, there also is a trend towards online fraud. When facing with this issues, the victim has freedom to discuss and share those hardships they have to cope with on the social media, where everyone could raise their awareness when deal with the same problem or people living in such a milieu are more likely to help each others, which is a clear benefit everyone.
There are also compelling reasons to argue that the increasing bearing the news media has a worrying development. The key reason is that it can be used to propagate misleading information, which could subvert the stability of our society. We see this in the way some news companies capitalized on and normalized the dangers associated with Corona Virus causing conflicts and many demonstrations against the stay-at-home-order, which is issued to keep them safe.
In conclusion, regardless of what people post on the internet, the news industry should set the limits on how people should react and express valid personal opinion. This, in turn, could enable media companies to avoid those pathetic problems as well as enhance the positive outlook on life.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"There are a proportion of individuals suggest" -> "There are a proportion of individuals who suggest"
Explanation: Adding "who" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the subject of the sentence, enhancing readability and formality. -
"express or repress their personal opinions" -> "express or suppress their personal opinions"
Explanation: "Suppress" is the correct term in this context, as it means to hold back or restrain something, making it more precise and appropriate for an academic discussion. -
"propagate misleading information" -> "disseminate misleading information"
Explanation: "Disseminate" is a more formal and precise term than "propagate" in this context, referring specifically to the spread of information. -
"When facing with this issues" -> "When faced with these issues"
Explanation: "Faced with" is the correct phrase, and "these" is the plural form necessary to agree with "issues." -
"the victim has freedom to discuss" -> "the victim has the freedom to discuss"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "freedom" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances the formal tone. -
"deal with the same problem or people living in such a milieu are more likely to help each others" -> "deal with the same problem, or individuals in similar environments are more likely to assist one another"
Explanation: "Individuals in similar environments" is more precise than "people living in such a milieu," and "assist one another" is a more formal alternative to "help each others." -
"the increasing bearing the news media has a worrying development" -> "the increasing influence of the news media is a worrying development"
Explanation: "Influence" is more accurate than "bearing," and rephrasing to "is a worrying development" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances clarity. -
"capitalized on and normalized" -> "capitalized on and normalized"
Explanation: Removing "and" after "capitalized on" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone. -
"causing conflicts and many demonstrations against the stay-at-home-order" -> "causing conflicts and numerous demonstrations against the stay-at-home order"
Explanation: "Numerous" is more precise than "many," and removing the hyphen in "stay-at-home" corrects the compound adjective. -
"set the limits on how people should react and express valid personal opinion" -> "establish guidelines for how individuals should react and express valid personal opinions"
Explanation: "Establish guidelines" is more formal and specific than "set the limits," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in formal writing. -
"could enable media companies to avoid those pathetic problems" -> "could enable media companies to mitigate these issues"
Explanation: "Mitigate" is a more formal and precise term than "avoid," and "these issues" is more appropriate than "those pathetic problems," which is too informal and judgmental for academic writing.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding the freedom of expression on the Internet. The first paragraph discusses the benefits of individuals sharing their experiences, particularly in the context of social issues like online fraud. However, the second paragraph presents a counterargument about the dangers of misinformation but lacks a thorough exploration of this perspective. The conclusion attempts to summarize the discussion but does not clearly state the author’s own opinion, which is a crucial part of the task.
- How to improve: To better address all elements of the question, the essay should clearly outline and discuss both views in separate paragraphs. Additionally, the author should explicitly state their own opinion in the conclusion, ensuring it is well-supported by the arguments presented in the body of the essay.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is somewhat unclear. While it presents arguments for both sides, it does not consistently advocate for one viewpoint. The conclusion suggests that the media should impose limits on expression, but it does not clearly align with either side of the debate presented in the introduction.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should decide on a stance early in the essay and ensure that all arguments and examples support this position. A clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the author’s viewpoint would help guide the reader.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the benefits of social sharing and the risks of misinformation. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient examples. For instance, the mention of online fraud lacks depth, and the example regarding the Corona Virus is relevant but could be elaborated upon to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: The author should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could involve discussing specific instances of social media influencing public opinion or providing statistics that illustrate the impact of misinformation. Each idea should be clearly linked back to the overall argument being made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the freedom of expression and its implications. However, some sentences are somewhat convoluted, which can distract from the main argument. For example, phrases like "the increasing bearing the news media has a worrying development" are unclear and could confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the author should use straightforward language and ensure that each sentence directly contributes to the main argument. It may also help to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all content remains relevant to the prompt.
In summary, to improve the overall score, the author should work on clearly addressing all parts of the question, presenting a consistent position, developing and supporting ideas more thoroughly, and maintaining clarity and relevance throughout the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information logically by discussing both sides of the argument before presenting the writer’s own perspective. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and each body paragraph addresses a different viewpoint. However, there are some logical inconsistencies and abrupt transitions that affect the overall flow. For instance, the first body paragraph starts with a positive aspect of social sharing but then abruptly shifts to discussing online fraud without a clear transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument. Use transitional phrases to smoothly guide the reader from one idea to the next. For example, after discussing the benefits of social sharing, you could use a phrase like "On the other hand, there are significant risks associated with unrestricted online expression" to introduce the counterargument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first body paragraph attempts to cover too many points, leading to a lack of focus. The second body paragraph is more concise but could benefit from further development.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and develops it fully before moving on to the next point. For instance, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one discussing the benefits of social sharing and another addressing the risks of online fraud. This would make the essay easier to follow and more coherent.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "Admittedly," "For example," and "In conclusion." However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited and occasionally awkward, which affects the overall coherence. For instance, the phrase "When facing with this issues" is grammatically incorrect and disrupts the flow of the paragraph.
- How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices used to connect ideas and ensure they are used correctly. For example, instead of "When facing with this issues," you could use "When confronted with such issues." Additionally, incorporate more linking words and phrases like "Furthermore," "Moreover," "However," and "Therefore" to create smoother transitions between ideas.
By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, making the argument more compelling and easier to follow.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. Phrases such as "good reasons," "social shares," and "the victim has freedom" are somewhat basic and do not showcase a broader lexical range. For instance, "social shares" could be replaced with "social interactions" or "online discourse" to enhance the sophistication of the vocabulary used.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more varied expressions and synonyms. For example, instead of repeating "freedom" and "issues," consider using "liberty" or "challenges." Engaging with a thesaurus or practicing writing with new vocabulary in context can help expand lexical variety.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "propagate misleading information" is appropriate, but the term "repress" in "express or repress their personal opinions" is misleading in this context, as it suggests suppression rather than the intended meaning of expressing opinions. Additionally, "the increasing bearing the news media has a worrying development" is awkwardly phrased and unclear.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that word choices accurately reflect their intended meaning. For instance, instead of "bearing the news media," a clearer phrase like "influence of news media" could be used. Regularly reviewing vocabulary in context and seeking feedback on word choices can help improve precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Corona Virus" (should be "coronavirus") and "each others" (should be "each other"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the essay and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in improving spelling skills.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively expanding vocabulary, refining word choices, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structure, but it largely relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "there are good reasons to say that social shares help people connect" and "the key reason is that it can be used to propagate misleading information" reflect a basic sentence construction. The use of complex sentences is limited, which affects the overall sophistication of the writing. The essay does attempt to use some transitional phrases, such as "Admittedly" and "In conclusion," but these do not compensate for the lack of varied structures.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include dependent clauses. For example, instead of saying "there are good reasons to say that," the writer could use "While some argue that social shares help people connect, others believe they can lead to misinformation." This not only adds complexity but also improves clarity and engagement.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, the phrase "a proportion of individuals suggest" should be "a proportion of individuals suggests" to maintain subject-verb agreement. Additionally, "facing with this issues" is incorrect; it should be "facing this issue." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas that could improve readability, particularly in longer sentences. For instance, "which is issued to keep them safe" should be preceded by a comma for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors can help ensure that sentences are clear and easy to follow. Reading the essay aloud may also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation mistakes.
Overall, while the essay presents a relevant discussion on the topic, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will contribute significantly to achieving a higher band score in the IELTS writing task.
Bài sửa mẫu
There are a proportion of individuals who suggest that all citizens should have permission to express or suppress their personal opinions about social problems on the Internet. However, others suppose that this may be used to disseminate misleading information. Before giving my own perspective, I will discuss the statement from both views.
Admittedly, there are good reasons to say that social sharing helps people connect and empathize with others, fostering social bonds. For example, there is also a trend towards online fraud. When faced with these issues, the victim has the freedom to discuss and share the hardships they have to cope with on social media, where everyone could raise their awareness when dealing with the same problem, or individuals in similar environments are more likely to assist one another, which is a clear benefit for everyone.
There are also compelling reasons to argue that the increasing influence of the news media is a worrying development. The key reason is that it can be used to propagate misleading information, which could subvert the stability of our society. We see this in the way some news companies have capitalized on and normalized the dangers associated with the Coronavirus, causing conflicts and numerous demonstrations against the stay-at-home order, which was issued to keep them safe.
In conclusion, regardless of what people post on the Internet, the news industry should establish guidelines for how individuals should react and express valid personal opinions. This, in turn, could enable media companies to mitigate these issues as well as enhance the positive outlook on life.
