Writing task 2: You need to write an essay addressing the topic below. The government should invest in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country's development and progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience
Writing task 2: You need to write an essay addressing the topic below. The government should invest in
teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country's development and progress. To what
extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from
your own knowledge or experience
Some people believe that the government ought to invest in educating science subjects instead of art
and society subjects for a country's development and progress. from my point of view, I totally disagree
with statement because of the following reasons
One of the main reason I disagree with this viewpoint is the development and diversity of many
industries. On the one hand, when we concentrate on science subjects, it helps the student have
Problem-Solving skills and Analytical Thinking abiliy . For example : students learn to address complex
problems through science methods, and it helps to improve their address problems ability. On the other
hand, if the government just focus on teaching science subjects, it will make non-science related fields
affected . It causes imbalance on many industry in all fields . Each country always has to create and
innovate in order to keep up with the rest of the world so if we didn’t invest in art and society subjects,
we would lack of creativity and innovation will pose a risk to that country’s economy growth .
And other main reason why I don’t agree with this statement because it can waste students’s talents
about art or society subjects . This viewpoint become evident when we talk about talent’s important in
art, sport , music fields . Let each of us ask ourselves how do you feel when a song or football match
doesn’t bring any emotion or meaning to you ? It’s also make students lack of essential soft skills and
teamwork ability.
In conclusion , I completely disagree that the government focus on invest in science subjects without
other subjects because it will make negative impact to development and diversity in many industry ,
cause waste student’s talent both .
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some people believe" -> "It is believed by some"
Explanation: Using "It is believed by some" shifts the passive voice to a more formal and impersonal tone, which is preferred in academic writing. -
"ought to invest" -> "should invest"
Explanation: "Ought to" is less commonly used in formal academic writing; "should" is more straightforward and appropriate for this context. -
"from my point of view, I totally disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
Explanation: "From my point of view" is redundant when followed by "I." Simplifying to "I strongly disagree" maintains formality and conciseness. -
"One of the main reason" -> "One of the main reasons"
Explanation: "Reason" should be plural to agree with the plural subject "reasons." -
"it helps the student have Problem-Solving skills and Analytical Thinking abiliy" -> "it enables students to develop problem-solving skills and analytical thinking abilities"
Explanation: "Enables" is more precise than "helps," and "students" should be plural to match the generalization. Also, "ability" should be plural to match the plural form of "skills." -
"it helps to improve their address problems ability" -> "it enhances their problem-solving abilities"
Explanation: "Enhances" is more precise than "helps," and "problem-solving abilities" is a more formal and correct phrase. -
"if the government just focus on teaching science subjects" -> "if the government solely focuses on teaching science subjects"
Explanation: "Solely" is more formal than "just," and "focuses" should be in the present tense to match the hypothetical scenario. -
"it will make non-science related fields affected" -> "it will negatively impact non-science related fields"
Explanation: "Negatively impact" is more specific and formal than "make affected," which is awkwardly phrased. -
"It causes imbalance on many industry in all fields" -> "This imbalance affects various industries across all sectors"
Explanation: "This imbalance affects" is clearer and more formal than "It causes imbalance on," and "various industries across all sectors" is more precise. -
"we would lack of creativity and innovation" -> "we would lack creativity and innovation"
Explanation: "Lack of" is grammatically incorrect; "lack" is the correct form. -
"we didn’t invest in art and society subjects" -> "we failed to invest in arts and social sciences"
Explanation: "Failed to invest" is more formal and specific than "didn’t invest," and "arts and social sciences" are more precise terms. -
"it can waste students’s talents" -> "it can waste students’ talents"
Explanation: "Students’s" is grammatically incorrect; "students’" is the correct possessive form. -
"This viewpoint become evident" -> "This viewpoint becomes evident"
Explanation: "Becomes" should be in the singular form to agree with the singular subject "viewpoint." -
"It’s also make students lack of essential soft skills" -> "It also makes students lack essential soft skills"
Explanation: "Makes" should be in the present tense to match the general statement, and "lack of" should be "lack" for grammatical correctness. -
"cause waste student’s talent both" -> "cause the waste of both students’ talents"
Explanation: "Cause waste" is awkward and incorrect; "cause the waste of" is grammatically correct, and "both students’ talents" is more precise.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating a disagreement with the notion that the government should solely invest in science subjects. The author provides reasons for their stance, discussing the importance of diversity in education and the potential negative impacts of neglecting arts and social subjects. However, the essay could benefit from a more structured approach to explicitly outline the various parts of the question, such as the extent of agreement or disagreement. The response could be enhanced by clearly stating the position in the introduction and summarizing the key arguments in the conclusion.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should ensure that each part of the prompt is explicitly acknowledged. This can be achieved by restating the prompt in the introduction, clearly indicating the extent of agreement or disagreement, and summarizing the key points in the conclusion. Additionally, including a brief acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint could strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position of disagreement throughout, which is commendable. The author consistently argues against the exclusive investment in science subjects and provides reasons to support their viewpoint. However, the phrasing and structure occasionally lead to confusion, such as in the sentence "this viewpoint become evident when we talk about talent’s important in art, sport, music fields," where the grammatical errors detract from the clarity of the position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer and more consistent position, the writer should focus on improving sentence structure and grammar. Using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Additionally, reiterating the main position in each paragraph can reinforce the stance taken.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of diversity in education and the potential waste of talent in non-science fields. However, the development of these ideas lacks depth. For instance, the example regarding problem-solving skills is somewhat vague and could be elaborated further. The connection between creativity in arts and economic growth is mentioned but not fully explored, leaving the argument underdeveloped.
- How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and support ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could involve using specific case studies or personal experiences that illustrate the importance of arts and social subjects. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly linked back to the central argument will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of prioritizing science education over arts and social subjects. However, there are moments where the argument becomes slightly convoluted, particularly in the discussion about emotional responses to art and sports, which could be more directly tied to the main argument about educational investment.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that every point made directly supports the central thesis. It may be helpful to outline the main arguments before writing to ensure that all points are relevant and contribute to the overall discussion. Additionally, avoiding tangential ideas will help keep the essay concise and on topic.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, improvements in structure, clarity, and depth of argumentation will enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that the government should solely invest in science subjects. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this viewpoint. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the importance of science and the impact of neglecting arts is somewhat abrupt. The essay moves from one idea to another without clear connections, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer could use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "Moreover," can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. Structuring the essay with a more defined outline, where each paragraph builds on the previous one, would also improve coherence.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs themselves lack clear structure. For example, the first body paragraph mixes several ideas without clearly delineating them, making it hard for the reader to follow. The second body paragraph also introduces multiple points without sufficient elaboration or separation.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea. The writer could start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main point. Following this, the writer should provide supporting details and examples, ensuring that each point is fully developed before moving on to the next. This would not only clarify the argument but also enhance the overall readability of the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to contrast ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be stronger. For example, the phrase "this viewpoint become evident when we talk about talent’s important in art, sport, music fields" lacks a clear link to the previous sentence, making the transition feel disjointed.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Consequently," and "In summary." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas and reinforce the relationships between different points. Practicing the use of cohesive devices in various contexts can also help the writer become more comfortable with their application.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear position and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "invest," "development," "creativity," and "innovation" being appropriately used in context. However, the vocabulary tends to be repetitive, particularly with phrases like "science subjects" and "art and society subjects," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "science subjects," alternatives like "STEM fields" or "scientific disciplines" could be employed.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of "invest," consider using "allocate resources" or "fund." Additionally, using phrases that describe the benefits of both science and arts, such as "interdisciplinary approaches" or "holistic education," could enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "address problems ability," which is awkward and unclear. The phrase "waste students’s talents" also lacks clarity and grammatical correctness, as it should be "waste students’ talents." Furthermore, "non-science related fields affected" should be rephrased for clarity, such as "non-science-related fields will be adversely affected."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using established collocations and phrases. For example, instead of "address problems ability," the writer could say "problem-solving abilities." Additionally, ensuring grammatical accuracy will enhance clarity; for example, revising "waste students’s talents" to "waste students’ talents" will improve precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "abiliy" (ability), "student’s" (should be plural possessive as "students’"), and "industry" (should be plural as "industries" in some contexts). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards for commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Reading more academic texts can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written material.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can significantly elevate their lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it primarily relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "One of the main reason I disagree with this viewpoint is…" and "On the one hand, when we concentrate on science subjects…" indicate a basic level of complexity. However, there is a noticeable lack of more complex structures, such as subordinate clauses or varied sentence openings, which would enhance the overall fluency and coherence of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences. For example, instead of saying "it helps the student have Problem-Solving skills," they could say, "By focusing on science subjects, students not only develop problem-solving skills but also enhance their analytical thinking abilities." Additionally, using introductory phrases or clauses can add variety, such as "While it is true that science education is important, neglecting the arts can lead to…"
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "from my point of view, I totally disagree with statement" lacks an article before "statement," which should be "the statement." Additionally, phrases like "it helps to improve their address problems ability" are awkwardly constructed and unclear. There are also issues with punctuation, such as the misuse of colons and commas, particularly in "For example : students learn…" where the space before the colon is incorrect, and the sentence should be connected more fluidly.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement and proper article usage. For instance, "One of the main reason" should be corrected to "One of the main reasons." Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and colons, will help improve clarity. The writer might benefit from reading their sentences aloud to identify awkward constructions and ensure proper punctuation. Furthermore, using grammar-checking tools could help catch errors before submission.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, improving the range of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the writing quality and potentially lead to a higher band score. Regular practice, feedback, and revision are key strategies for improvement.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some people believe that the government should invest in teaching science subjects rather than arts and social sciences for a country’s development and progress. From my point of view, I strongly disagree with this statement for the following reasons.
One of the main reasons I disagree with this viewpoint is the importance of development and diversity across various industries. On the one hand, concentrating on science subjects enables students to develop problem-solving skills and analytical thinking abilities. For example, students learn to tackle complex problems through scientific methods, which enhances their problem-solving abilities. On the other hand, if the government solely focuses on teaching science subjects, it will negatively impact non-science related fields. This imbalance affects various industries across all sectors. Each country must create and innovate to keep up with the rest of the world; if we fail to invest in arts and social sciences, we would lack creativity and innovation, which poses a risk to that country’s economic growth.
Another main reason why I disagree with this statement is that it can waste students’ talents in the arts or social sciences. This viewpoint becomes evident when we consider the importance of talent in fields such as art, sports, and music. Let us ask ourselves how we feel when a song or football match lacks emotion or meaning. It also makes students lack essential soft skills and teamwork abilities.
In conclusion, I completely disagree that the government should focus solely on investing in science subjects without considering other subjects, as this will have a negative impact on the development and diversity of many industries and cause the waste of both students’ talents.
