you need to write an essay addressing the topic below: The government should invest in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country’s development and progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree? give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example form your own knowledge or experience
you need to write an essay addressing the topic below: The government should invest
in teaching science subjects rather than other subjects for a country’s development and progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree? give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example form your own knowledge or experience
In recent years, it is widely believed that prioritising science over other subjects for
the sake of national progress. From my perspective, although science important but
humanities subjects should also be included in the curriculum.
First, it is true that science subjects are extremely important in the development of
the country. It is through improving its scientific research that the United States, for
example, is at the forefront of technology and leads in economic and military
prowess. for example, the US is at the forefront of technology and leads in
economic and military prowess. However, if we only focus on science subjects, it will
not develop diverse professions. For instance, professions such as sales,
architecture, design, writing, poetry or entertainment services will not be able to
develop. This will cause unemployment as well as imbalance in occupations.
Moreover, lopsided learning also prevents people from fully exploiting their
potential and strengths. Investing only in science is extremely unfair to people with
artistic talent. It makes them unable to do what they want because if they follow their
artistic strengths, they will risk being unemployed and not being appreciated by
others.
Therefore, I believe that although science is important, it cannot be left on its own.
As such, along with a new generation of scientists, governments should also invest
in other subjects for the country to develop comprehensively.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"it is widely believed that prioritising" -> "it is widely believed that prioritizing"
Explanation: The verb "prioritizing" should be in the gerund form "prioritizing" to maintain grammatical correctness in this context. -
"although science important but" -> "although science is important but"
Explanation: The phrase "although science important" is grammatically incomplete and awkward. Adding "is" corrects the verb form and improves the sentence structure. -
"humanities subjects should also be included" -> "humanities subjects should also be incorporated"
Explanation: "Incorporated" is a more precise and formal term than "included" in the context of educational curricula. -
"It is through improving its scientific research" -> "It is through the improvement of its scientific research"
Explanation: The phrase "the improvement of its scientific research" is more grammatically correct and formal, enhancing the academic tone. -
"leads in economic and military prowess" -> "leads in economic and military prowess"
Explanation: This is a correct and complete phrase, but it could be rephrased to "exhibits economic and military prowess" for a slightly more formal tone. -
"for example, the US is at the forefront of technology and leads in economic and military prowess" -> "for example, the US is at the forefront of technological advancements and exhibits economic and military prowess"
Explanation: Adding "technological advancements" clarifies the type of progress being referred to, and "exhibits" is a more formal verb choice than "leads." -
"it will not develop diverse professions" -> "it will not foster diverse professions"
Explanation: "Foster" is a more precise and formal verb than "develop" in this context, suggesting nurturing and growth. -
"professionals such as sales, architecture, design, writing, poetry or entertainment services" -> "professions such as sales, architecture, design, writing, poetry, and entertainment services"
Explanation: Adding "and" before "entertainment services" corrects the list structure and maintains a formal tone. -
"will not be able to develop" -> "will not be able to evolve"
Explanation: "Evolve" is a more precise term in the context of professional development, suggesting growth and change over time. -
"lopsided learning also prevents people from fully exploiting their potential and strengths" -> "lopsided learning also hinders individuals from fully realizing their potential and strengths"
Explanation: "Hinders" is a more formal synonym for "prevents," and "realizing" is more precise than "exploiting" in this context, suggesting a more positive and empowering connotation. -
"Investing only in science is extremely unfair to people with artistic talent" -> "Exclusively investing in science is grossly unfair to individuals with artistic talent"
Explanation: "Grossly" is a stronger, more formal adverb than "extremely," and "individuals" is a more formal term than "people." -
"It makes them unable to do what they want" -> "It renders them unable to pursue their desired careers"
Explanation: "Pursue their desired careers" is a more specific and formal way to express the inability to follow artistic inclinations. -
"they will risk being unemployed and not being appreciated by others" -> "they risk unemployment and lack of recognition"
Explanation: "Risk unemployment and lack of recognition" is a more concise and formal way to express the potential consequences of not pursuing artistic interests.
These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by acknowledging the importance of science while also advocating for the inclusion of humanities. However, it does not fully engage with the phrase "to what extent do you agree or disagree." The writer mentions a perspective but fails to clearly state a definitive position on whether they agree or disagree with the idea of prioritizing science over other subjects. For example, the phrase "from my perspective" is vague and does not clarify the extent of agreement or disagreement.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position at the beginning of the essay. A clear thesis statement indicating the extent of agreement or disagreement would help set the tone for the rest of the essay. Additionally, the writer could structure the essay to reflect this position more clearly, perhaps by dedicating specific paragraphs to supporting their stance.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a consistent and clear position throughout. While the writer acknowledges the importance of science, they also emphasize the need for humanities, which creates ambiguity. For instance, the phrase "I believe that although science is important, it cannot be left on its own" suggests a balanced view but does not clarify whether the writer believes science should be prioritized or not.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should choose a side and consistently support that viewpoint with relevant arguments and examples. Using transitional phrases to reinforce their stance would also help clarify their position. For example, stating "I strongly disagree with the notion that science should be prioritized over other subjects because…" would provide a more definitive stance.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the importance of diverse professions and the potential unemployment caused by neglecting humanities. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient detail. For instance, the claim about unemployment lacks specific examples or statistics that could strengthen the argument. The repetition of the point about the US being at the forefront of technology also detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide more specific examples and elaborate on their points. For instance, they could include statistics about job markets or case studies that illustrate the importance of a balanced curriculum. Additionally, avoiding repetition and ensuring that each point is distinct and well-supported would enhance the essay’s overall quality.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the importance of science and the need for a balanced curriculum. However, some points, such as the mention of artistic talent, could be better tied back to the main argument about national development and progress. The connection between artistic professions and national development is not clearly articulated, which may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points directly relate to the central argument of the essay. They could strengthen their argument by explicitly linking the importance of humanities to national development, perhaps by discussing how creativity and innovation in the arts can contribute to a country’s progress. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph that relate back to the thesis would also help maintain focus.
In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should clarify their position, develop their ideas with specific examples, and ensure that all points are directly related to the prompt. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is crucial, as being under the required word limit can significantly impact the overall score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that prioritizes science while also advocating for the inclusion of humanities. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the phrase "the US is at the forefront of technology," which appears twice in the same paragraph. This repetition detracts from the overall coherence of the argument and could confuse the reader regarding the main point being made.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer should ensure that each point is distinct and contributes uniquely to the argument. Avoiding redundancy will help maintain clarity. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into specific reasons supporting the thesis. However, the paragraphs could be better structured. For instance, the second paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the importance of science and the other on the consequences of neglecting humanities.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, each paragraph should ideally start with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. This will help the reader understand the focus of each paragraph at a glance. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph contains a mix of examples and explanations will strengthen the argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "first," "however," and "therefore," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the transitions between ideas can feel abrupt at times. For example, the transition from discussing the importance of science to the consequences of neglecting humanities could be smoother.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "On the one hand" to introduce the benefits of science, followed by "On the other hand" to present the case for humanities, would create a clearer contrast. Additionally, employing phrases that indicate cause and effect, such as "As a result" or "Consequently," can help clarify the relationships between different points in the argument.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance its clarity and effectiveness.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "prioritising," "development," "scientific research," and "lopsided learning." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and depth, which restricts the overall expressiveness of the argument. For instance, the repetition of phrases such as "at the forefront of technology" detracts from the essay’s lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. Instead of repeating "at the forefront of technology," alternatives like "leading in innovation" or "pioneering advancements" could be used. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated terms related to the subject matter, such as "multidisciplinary" or "holistic approach," would enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices, such as "science important" which should be "science is important." This grammatical error affects the clarity and precision of the argument. Furthermore, the phrase "lopsided learning" is somewhat vague and could be better articulated to convey the intended meaning more clearly.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity in expression. For example, revising "science important" to "science is an important subject" would enhance clarity. Additionally, replacing "lopsided learning" with a more specific term like "imbalanced educational focus" would provide clearer meaning and strengthen the argument.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "lopsided" (correct) but the phrase "for example" is not capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. This inconsistency can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to capitalization and punctuation. Utilizing spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can reinforce correct spelling habits.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future writing tasks.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "It is through improving its scientific research that the United States, for example, is at the forefront of technology and leads in economic and military prowess" showcases the ability to convey intricate ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the phrase "for example," which is used multiple times in a similar context. This repetition detracts from the overall variety of sentence structures.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied transitional phrases and clauses. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "for example," alternatives such as "to illustrate," "as a case in point," or "considering" could be utilized. Additionally, integrating more complex sentence forms, such as conditional sentences or participial phrases, would further enrich the essay’s grammatical range.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that affect clarity and coherence. For instance, the phrase "although science important but humanities subjects should also be included" is grammatically incorrect; it should read "although science is important, humanities subjects should also be included." Additionally, there are issues with capitalization, such as "for example" starting with a lowercase ‘f’ after a period. The use of commas is sometimes inconsistent, leading to run-on sentences and a lack of clarity in complex ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that all clauses are properly connected. Practicing sentence combining exercises can help in recognizing how to structure sentences correctly. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, would enhance clarity. Reading the essay aloud could also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors that may be overlooked during writing.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will help elevate the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent years, it is widely believed that prioritizing science over other subjects is essential for national progress. From my perspective, although science is important, humanities subjects should also be incorporated into the curriculum.
First, it is true that science subjects play a crucial role in the development of a country. It is through the improvement of its scientific research that the United States, for example, is at the forefront of technological advancements and exhibits economic and military prowess. However, if we only focus on science subjects, it will not foster diverse professions. For instance, professions such as sales, architecture, design, writing, poetry, and entertainment services will not be able to evolve. This lack of diversity can lead to unemployment as well as an imbalance in occupations.
Moreover, lopsided learning also hinders individuals from fully realizing their potential and strengths. Exclusively investing in science is grossly unfair to individuals with artistic talent. It renders them unable to pursue their desired careers, and they risk unemployment and lack of recognition.
Therefore, I believe that although science is important, it cannot stand alone. As such, along with nurturing a new generation of scientists, governments should also invest in other subjects to ensure comprehensive development for the country.
