You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. to what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. You should write at least 250 words.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

You should write at least 250 words.

In the contemporary world, a wealthy and sustainable society has received a wide range of concern from people around the world. One school of thought holds that ensuring only small distinctive income between the rich and poor is the best way to produce a happier society, however t believe that that creating a happy society involve a mix of numerous factors that promote not only well-being, satisfaction and harmony among individuals which will be analyzed in detail by providing illustration and explanation herein.

On the one hand, the argument in favor of prioritizing smaller gaps in income between rich and poor members is not entirely baseless. In fact, society having smaller income disparity can reduce social comparison which minimize the feeling of envy, inadequacy or resentment and promote social harmony and personal satisfaction. Furthermore, this phenomenon can result in less crime and violence among people in the society since people are less likely to compare themself less to others. For instance,a great number of researches have shown that societies with narrower income gaps tend to have a lower crime rate which contributes to the development of countries.
On the other hand, there are several other factors which contribute to the development of a happy society. First and foremost, it is important to have strong policies and legislations which ensure the safety and security for the residents. When policies and social norms respect diversity and provide equal opportunities, people feel more valued and respected which contribute to social harmony and happiness. In addition, another approach is to improve the healthcare services which allow people access to quality healthcare and mental health support. Many people who encounter with nasty illness will have the opportunity to access better treatment with lower cost that can significantly affect their life. Finally, maintaining a work-life balance is increasingly challenging in today's fast-paced world, but it is essential for long-term productivity and mental well-being. Companies can offer flexible working hours or the option to work from home, allowing employees to better manage their time.

In conclusion, I agree that a lower income gap can contribute to the development of society, however, I would rather support the argument that other factors such as work-life balance, policies and healthcare systems are far more important in creating a happy community.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "a wealthy and sustainable society" -> "a prosperous and sustainable society"
   Explanation: "Prosperous" is a more precise term than "wealthy," as it encompasses not only financial wealth but also overall well-being and success, aligning better with the context of societal development.

2. "has received a wide range of concern" -> "has garnered significant concern"
   Explanation: "Garnered significant concern" is more formal and precise, replacing the vague and awkward "has received a wide range of concern," which is grammatically incorrect.

3. "One school of thought holds that ensuring only small distinctive income between the rich and poor" -> "One perspective suggests that maintaining only modest income disparities between the rich and the poor"
   Explanation: "Maintaining only modest income disparities" is more specific and academically appropriate than "ensuring only small distinctive income," which is awkward and unclear.

4. "however t believe" -> "however, I believe"
   Explanation: Corrects a typographical error and adds a comma for proper punctuation, enhancing readability and formality.

5. "that creating a happy society involve" -> "that creating a happy society involves"
   Explanation: Corrects the verb form to "involves" for grammatical accuracy and subject-verb agreement.

6. "which will be analyzed in detail by providing illustration and explanation herein" -> "which will be analyzed in detail through illustrations and explanations provided herein"
   Explanation: "Through illustrations and explanations provided herein" is more formal and precise, improving clarity and academic tone.

7. "society having smaller income disparity" -> "societies with smaller income disparities"
   Explanation: "Societies with smaller income disparities" is grammatically correct and more formal, replacing the awkward and incorrect "society having smaller income disparity."

8. "minimize the feeling of envy, inadequacy or resentment" -> "reduce feelings of envy, inadequacy, and resentment"
   Explanation: "Reduce feelings of" is more formal and grammatically correct than "minimize the feeling of," and the use of commas after "inadequacy" improves readability.

9. "people are less likely to compare themself less to others" -> "people are less likely to compare themselves less to others"
   Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error "themself" to "themselves" for subject-verb agreement and adds a space after the comma for clarity.

10. "a great number of researches" -> "a significant number of studies"
    Explanation: "Studies" is the correct plural form, and "significant" is more precise than "great," which is vague and informal in this context.

11. "which contribute to the development of countries" -> "which contribute to national development"
    Explanation: "National development" is a more specific and formal term than "the development of countries," which is somewhat vague and broad.

12. "it is important to have strong policies and legislations" -> "it is essential to have robust policies and legislation"
    Explanation: "Robust" and "legislation" are more precise and formal terms than "strong" and "legislations," enhancing the academic tone.

13. "people feel more valued and respected" -> "individuals feel more valued and respected"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people" in academic writing, and it aligns better with the context of societal analysis.

14. "Many people who encounter with nasty illness" -> "Many individuals who encounter a nasty illness"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "a nasty illness" corrects the grammatical error of "with nasty illness."

15. "can significantly affect their life" -> "can significantly impact their lives"
    Explanation: "Impact" is more precise and formal than "affect," and "lives" is the correct plural form to match the subject "people."

16. "I would rather support the argument" -> "I prefer to support the argument"
    Explanation: "Prefer to" is a more formal and precise expression than "would rather," which is slightly informal for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding income disparity and its impact on societal happiness. The writer acknowledges the viewpoint that smaller income gaps can lead to a happier society, while also presenting the counter-argument that other factors play a significant role. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement, as the phrasing "I would rather support the argument that other factors… are far more important" could be interpreted as somewhat ambiguous.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and conclusion, indicating whether they fully agree, partially agree, or disagree with the statement. This would provide a clearer framework for the reader.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges the importance of income equality but emphasizes the significance of other factors. However, the transition between agreeing with the importance of income disparity and then pivoting to other factors could be more seamless. The phrase "however, I would rather support the argument" introduces a slight inconsistency in tone, which may confuse the reader about the writer’s primary stance.
  • How to improve: The writer should maintain a consistent tone by using clear transition phrases that reinforce their position. For example, instead of "I would rather support," the writer could say, "While I acknowledge the importance of reducing income disparity, I believe that…"

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the role of income disparity in social harmony and the importance of healthcare and work-life balance. Each point is supported with relevant examples, such as the mention of research linking income gaps to crime rates. However, some ideas could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, the discussion on healthcare could include specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. This could involve citing specific studies, statistics, or real-world examples that illustrate the relationship between the discussed factors and societal happiness.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. However, some sections, particularly the discussion on work-life balance, could be more directly tied back to the main argument. The connection between work-life balance and happiness is relevant, but it could be framed more explicitly in relation to income disparity.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central thesis. This could involve explicitly linking the importance of work-life balance to the broader discussion of societal happiness and how it interacts with income disparity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By refining the clarity of the position, providing more detailed support for ideas, and ensuring all points are tightly connected to the main argument, the writer can enhance their score in the Task Response category.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the main argument and sets the stage for the discussion. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of a smaller income gap, while the second body paragraph addresses other contributing factors to societal happiness. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother. For example, the phrase "On the other hand" is used, but a more explicit connection to the previous point would enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas between paragraphs. For instance, after discussing income disparity, you could introduce the next paragraph with a phrase like, "While income disparity is significant, other factors also play a crucial role in societal happiness."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the advantages of a smaller income gap, while the second paragraph elaborates on other important factors. However, the first paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of the paragraph.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly convey the main point. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "One significant advantage of reducing income disparity is its potential to foster social harmony." This would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "on the one hand," and "in addition." These devices help to connect ideas and indicate contrast. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the flow could be improved with additional linking words or phrases. For example, the phrase "which will be analyzed in detail by providing illustration and explanation herein" is somewhat convoluted and could be simplified for clarity.
  • How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices by incorporating more varied linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "in addition," consider using alternatives like "furthermore" or "moreover." Additionally, simplify complex phrases to enhance clarity. For example, rephrase the convoluted sentence to something more straightforward, such as, "This essay will explore various factors that contribute to a happy society."

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, such as "sustainable society," "income disparity," and "social harmony." However, the use of phrases like "a great number of researches" is awkward and lacks precision, as "research" is typically uncountable. Additionally, terms like "nasty illness" could be perceived as informal or vague in an academic context.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more varied synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of "nasty illness," consider using "serious health conditions" or "chronic illnesses." Furthermore, diversifying sentence structures and incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary related to economics and sociology could elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the argument in favor of prioritizing smaller gaps in income" could be more effectively expressed as "the argument supporting reduced income inequality." Additionally, the phrase "compare themself less to others" contains grammatical errors and lacks clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For instance, instead of "minimize the feeling of envy," a more precise phrase could be "reduce feelings of envy and inadequacy." Regularly consulting a thesaurus or vocabulary-building resources can help in selecting more appropriate terms.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "distinctive" instead of "distinct," "t" instead of "I" in "however t believe," and "illustration" instead of "illustrations." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards for commonly misspelled words can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as complex sentences ("In fact, society having smaller income disparity can reduce social comparison which minimize the feeling of envy…"). However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the use of simple and compound sentences. The use of phrases like "first and foremost" and "on the one hand" shows an attempt to organize thoughts, but the overall sentence variety could be improved.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound-complex sentences. For example, instead of saying "it is important to have strong policies and legislations," the writer could say, "While strong policies and legislation are crucial for ensuring safety, they also play a vital role in fostering a sense of community." Additionally, varying the placement of clauses within sentences can create more dynamic writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, the phrase "however t believe that that creating a happy society involve" contains a typographical error ("t" instead of "I") and subject-verb agreement issues ("involve" should be "involves"). Furthermore, there are missing commas, such as before "however" in the first sentence and after "for instance" in the second paragraph. These errors can disrupt the flow and clarity of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch typographical errors and ensure subject-verb agreement. Practicing grammar exercises focusing on common errors, such as verb forms and punctuation rules, can also be beneficial. Additionally, using tools like grammar checkers can help identify mistakes before submission. For example, revising "which minimize the feeling of envy" to "which minimizes the feelings of envy" would correct the subject-verb agreement error.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a moderate level of grammatical range and accuracy, there are clear areas for improvement. By diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, a prosperous and sustainable society has garnered significant concern from people around the globe. One perspective suggests that maintaining only modest income disparities between the rich and the poor is the best way to produce a happier society; however, I believe that creating a happy society involves a mix of numerous factors that promote not only well-being, satisfaction, and harmony among individuals, which will be analyzed in detail through illustrations and explanations provided herein.

On the one hand, the argument in favor of prioritizing smaller gaps in income between rich and poor members is not entirely baseless. In fact, societies with smaller income disparities can reduce social comparison, which minimizes feelings of envy, inadequacy, and resentment, and promotes social harmony and personal satisfaction. Furthermore, this phenomenon can lead to less crime and violence within society, as people are less likely to compare themselves to others. For instance, a significant number of studies have shown that societies with narrower income gaps tend to have lower crime rates, which contribute to national development.

On the other hand, there are several other factors that contribute to the development of a happy society. First and foremost, it is essential to have robust policies and legislation that ensure safety and security for residents. When policies and social norms respect diversity and provide equal opportunities, individuals feel more valued and respected, which contributes to social harmony and happiness. In addition, improving healthcare services is crucial, as it allows people access to quality healthcare and mental health support. Many individuals who encounter a nasty illness can access better treatment at a lower cost, which can significantly impact their lives. Finally, maintaining a work-life balance is increasingly challenging in today’s fast-paced world, but it is essential for long-term productivity and mental well-being. Companies can offer flexible working hours or the option to work from home, allowing employees to better manage their time.

In conclusion, I agree that a lower income gap can contribute to the development of society; however, I prefer to support the argument that other factors, such as work-life balance, effective policies, and healthcare systems, are far more important in creating a happy community.