You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Financial education should be included as a mandatory subject in schools to prepare students for managing money effectively. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

Financial education should be included as a mandatory subject in schools to prepare students for managing money effectively. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words

Money- management skills should be included as an obligatory subject in schools to prepare students for managing finances effectively. I would side with those holding a degreement opinion. This essay analyses more specifically this issue.
Firstly, some people believe that financial education should be educated by parents. To be more specific, parents can understand their children better than any people else, how they spend and use money. Parents can easily grasp how they are lacking in financial management and come up with appropriate problems to solve. For example, According to an online newspaper Zee News has proposed “5 ways to teach children to manage their budget” and advice for parents if they want to teach children effectively. In addition, financial management should be integrated into other subjects instead of being a mandatory subject. In other words, pecuniary management should be integrated into subjects such as mathematics or economics and legal subjects to add interest to the main subjects and not be time-consuming by separating them into obligatory subjects. This not only assists the educational system in decreasing pressure with new documentaries but also schools can reduce the curriculum that they must prepare. For instance, In Vietnam, money-management skills were integrated into Math and Literature. This helps the subject no longer become boring for students, but they also find it interesting to create their own personal spending plan.
However, financial management subjects help people set goals. To be further discussed, by managing income and individual salary in the smartest, people can have potential savings, and investments, and achieve personal hope. This brings to people the number of benefits and more independence in their income. For example, Bill Gates is a person who has financial management skills, he succeeded in many fields such as technology, and artificial intelligence thanks to strove hard-working to learn more about money management. As a result, money management skills can help people gain their desires if we try our best. Additionally, pecuniary management allowed people to have more approach knowledge about tax. Specially, tax is an important aspect of personal and business financial management. Mastering tax knowledge helps each understand and comply with tax regulations, ensure legal compliance, and optimize their financial capabilities. According to PACE online news is a prime example which the level of importance of taxes, taxes play an important function in maintaining the state apparatus and the prosperity of a country. Therefore, tax knowledge can help people gain social insight and how a business operates.
In conclusion, there are some different opinions about whether financial management should be included as an obligatory subject. Some people disagree, but besides that, some people agree because it is a tool to achieve their goals and its importance in terms of tax knowledge.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "Money-management skills" -> "Financial literacy"
   Explanation: "Money-management skills" is somewhat colloquial for academic writing. "Financial literacy" is a more formal and precise term commonly used in discussions about managing finances effectively.

2. "obligatory subject" -> "mandatory curriculum"
   Explanation: "Obligatory subject" is less formal and overly direct. "Mandatory curriculum" is a more appropriate term in academic discourse, emphasizing the requirement within the educational framework.

3. "holding a degreement opinion" -> "taking a dissenting view"
   Explanation: "Holding a degreement opinion" is not standard English. "Taking a dissenting view" is a more formal and accurate expression, aligning with academic style.

4. "This essay analyses more specifically this issue." -> "This essay specifically analyzes this issue."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and structure. By rearranging the sentence and using "specifically" before "analyzes," the meaning becomes clearer and more concise.

5. "financial education should be educated by parents" -> "financial education should be provided by parents"
   Explanation: The use of "educated by" is redundant and awkward. "Provided by" is a clearer and more concise alternative, maintaining academic formality.

6. "people can understand their children better than any people else" -> "parents can better understand their children than anyone else"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks precision. By restructuring the sentence and using "anyone else" instead of "any people else," the meaning becomes clearer and more concise.

7. "appropriate problems to solve" -> "appropriate solutions to address"
   Explanation: "Problems to solve" is somewhat redundant and less formal. "Solutions to address" is a clearer and more formal alternative, conveying the idea of addressing financial issues effectively.

8. "According to an online newspaper Zee News has proposed" -> "According to an article by Zee News"
   Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and proper attribution. By specifying "an article by Zee News," the source is clearly identified in a more formal manner.

9. "financial management should be integrated into other subjects" -> "financial management should be integrated across various disciplines"
   Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat repetitive and lacks precision. By using "integrated across various disciplines," the idea of incorporating financial management into multiple subject areas is conveyed more clearly and concisely.

10. "pecuniary management" -> "financial management"
    Explanation: "Pecuniary management" is overly formal and less commonly used in academic writing. "Financial management" is a more straightforward and widely understood term.

11. "not be time-consuming by separating them into obligatory subjects" -> "avoiding excessive time commitments by integrating them into existing subjects"
    Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and lacks clarity. By rephrasing and using "avoiding excessive time commitments" and "integrating them into existing subjects," the meaning becomes clearer and more concise.

12. "This not only assists the educational system in decreasing pressure with new documentaries" -> "This not only alleviates pressure on the educational system but also enhances student engagement"
    Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and contains a nonsensical phrase ("decreasing pressure with new documentaries"). By revising the sentence and focusing on "alleviates pressure" and "enhances student engagement," the meaning becomes clearer and more coherent.

13. "find it interesting to create their own personal spending plan" -> "find it engaging to develop their own budget"
    Explanation: "Find it interesting to create their own personal spending plan" is somewhat redundant and lacks precision. "Find it engaging to develop their own budget" is a clearer and more concise alternative.

14. "financial management subjects help people set goals" -> "financial literacy empowers individuals to establish financial goals"
    Explanation: The original phrase is vague and lacks clarity. By using "financial literacy empowers individuals" and "establish financial goals," the sentence becomes more precise and concise.

15. "people can have potential savings, and investments, and achieve personal hope" -> "individuals can accumulate savings, make investments, and pursue personal aspirations"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. By restructuring and using "accumulate savings," "make investments," and "pursue personal aspirations," the meaning becomes clearer and more concise.

16. "Bill Gates is a person who has financial management skills" -> "Bill Gates exemplifies adept financial management"
    Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and lacks precision. By using "Bill Gates exemplifies adept financial management," the sentence becomes more concise and emphasizes Gates’ proficiency in managing finances.

17. "he succeeded in many fields such as technology, and artificial intelligence thanks to strove hard-working to learn more about money management" -> "his success in various fields, including technology and artificial intelligence, is attributed to his diligent pursuit of financial knowledge"
    Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted and lacks clarity. By restructuring and emphasizing "his diligent pursuit of financial knowledge," the sentence becomes clearer and more concise.

18. "allowed people to have more approach knowledge about tax" -> "provided individuals with a better understanding of taxation"
    Explanation: "More approach knowledge about tax" is unclear and awkward. "Provided individuals with a better understanding of taxation" is a clearer and more concise alternative.

19. "Mastering tax knowledge helps each understand and comply with tax regulations" -> "Mastering tax knowledge aids individuals in understanding and complying with tax regulations"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and contains a grammatical error. By using "aids individuals in understanding" instead of "helps each understand," the sentence becomes clearer and grammatically correct.

20. "According to PACE online news is a prime example which the level of importance of taxes" -> "As exemplified by PACE online news, taxation’s significance cannot be overstated"
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and contains grammatical errors. By restructuring and emphasizing "taxation’s significance," the sentence becomes clearer and more concise.

21. "there are some different opinions about whether financial management should be included as an obligatory subject" -> "opinions diverge on the inclusion of financial management as a mandatory subject"
    Explanation: The original phrase is verbose and lacks precision. By using "opinions diverge" and "mandatory subject," the sentence becomes clearer and more concise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question by presenting arguments both in agreement and disagreement with the statement that financial education should be mandatory in schools. It discusses the role of parents in financial education, proposes integration into existing subjects, and highlights the benefits of financial management skills.
  • How to improve: While the essay covers various aspects, it could improve by providing a more balanced discussion of opposing views. Additionally, offering a clearer stance on whether financial education should indeed be mandatory would enhance coherence.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, indicating agreement with the idea that financial education should not be mandatory in schools. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, it would be beneficial to clearly state the stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, extends them with examples and explanations, and supports them with references such as Bill Gates and tax knowledge. However, some ideas lack depth and coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the essay could benefit from providing more detailed examples and connecting them more explicitly to the argument being made. Additionally, ensuring logical progression between ideas would improve coherence.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the importance of financial education and related skills. However, there are instances where the discussion deviates slightly, such as the emphasis on tax knowledge.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, it is important to ensure that all points directly relate to the central argument. While tangential discussions can add depth, they should not detract from the main topic. In this case, integrating discussions on tax knowledge more seamlessly into the argument for financial education would improve relevance.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, coherence, and clarity of stance. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction presenting the writer’s opinion and a brief outline of the essay’s structure. However, there are instances where the progression of ideas feels disjointed, such as the sudden transition from discussing parental education to integrating financial management into other subjects. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing key points more effectively.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Use topic sentences to guide readers through each paragraph, providing clear connections between arguments. Additionally, in the conclusion, summarize the main arguments concisely to reinforce the essay’s coherence.
• Use Paragraphs:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the structure within each paragraph is sometimes unclear. For instance, the second paragraph covers both parental education and integrating financial management into other subjects without a clear division. This can confuse readers and weaken the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Focus on developing a clear topic sentence for each paragraph, followed by supporting details and examples. Consider separating distinct ideas into separate paragraphs to improve readability and coherence. For example, dedicate one paragraph to discussing parental education and another to integrating financial management into other subjects.
• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices. While some transitional phrases like "Firstly" and "However" are utilized, they are not consistently applied throughout the essay. This leads to a choppy progression of ideas and affects the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: Increase the variety and frequency of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Utilize a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover"), transitional phrases (e.g., "In addition," "On the contrary"), and pronouns (e.g., "this," "these") to strengthen the logical connections between ideas and improve overall cohesion.

Overall, to improve coherence and cohesion, focus on developing a clearer organizational structure, enhancing paragraphing techniques, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. This will help to create a more cohesive and logically structured piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied expressions used throughout. For instance, phrases like "money-management skills," "financial education," "pecuniary management," and "obligatory subject" showcase vocabulary diversity. Additionally, the essay incorporates specific terms such as "tax regulations" and "financial capabilities," contributing to lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary usage, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "financial management," you might substitute with terms like "fiscal literacy" or "economic acumen" to add depth to the discourse.
• Use Vocabulary Precisely:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, though there are instances of imprecise word choices or awkward phrasing that slightly detract from precision. For example, the phrase "holding a degreement opinion" seems unclear and may benefit from clarification or revision for clarity. However, the essay effectively communicates ideas overall.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, aim for clarity and specificity in word choice. Instead of "degreement opinion," consider using clearer language such as "opposing viewpoint" or "disagreeing stance" to ensure readers grasp the intended meaning without ambiguity.
• Use Correct Spelling:
  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally adequate, with only minor errors noted. However, there are occasional misspellings, such as "pecuniary" spelled as "pecuniary," which detract slightly from overall coherence. Nonetheless, the errors do not significantly hinder comprehension.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading techniques to catch and rectify minor errors before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling-intensive exercises can reinforce familiarity with complex terms and reduce inadvertent misspellings in future writing endeavors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, albeit with occasional errors. There is evidence of attempts to use a range of sentence types, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, some sentences lack complexity and could be further developed to enhance coherence and sophistication.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of structures, the writer should aim for greater diversity in sentence types and lengths. Incorporating more complex structures, such as relative clauses or conditional sentences, can elevate the sophistication of the writing. Additionally, varying the beginnings of sentences and employing transitional phrases can enhance coherence and flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate and varied use of grammar and punctuation, but there are instances of errors throughout the text. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("financial education should be educated"), tense consistency ("money-management skills were integrated"), and article usage ("how a business operates"). Punctuation errors include missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent capitalization.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article usage. Proofreading for punctuation errors, particularly in compound sentences, can enhance readability and clarity. Additionally, reviewing rules for capitalization and ensuring consistency throughout the essay can further improve accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in using a variety of sentence structures and maintaining grammatical accuracy, there is room for improvement in both areas. By incorporating more diverse sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation skills, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness and clarity of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Financial literacy is a crucial aspect of education that many argue should be a mandatory part of school curricula to equip students with effective money management skills. In this essay, I’ll gently refine this perspective.

Firstly, there is a contention that financial education is best provided by parents. Parents, being closest to their children, possess a unique understanding of their spending habits and financial needs. They can identify areas where their children lack financial management skills and offer tailored solutions. For instance, Zee News suggests “5 ways to teach children to manage their budget,” providing valuable advice for parents keen on teaching their children effectively. Moreover, integrating financial management into existing subjects such as mathematics or economics can make learning more engaging and efficient, without adding extra burden to the curriculum. This approach not only relieves pressure on the educational system but also fosters student interest. For example, in Vietnam, money-management skills have been seamlessly integrated into Math and Literature classes, making the subject matter more captivating for students who enjoy creating their own personal spending plans.

Nevertheless, financial literacy aids individuals in setting and achieving financial goals. By effectively managing income and expenses, individuals can accrue savings, make investments, and realize personal aspirations, leading to greater financial independence. Bill Gates, for instance, exemplifies adept financial management, contributing to his success in various fields such as technology and artificial intelligence. His diligent pursuit of financial knowledge underscores the transformative power of financial literacy.

Furthermore, mastering tax knowledge is indispensable for understanding and complying with tax regulations, ensuring legal compliance, and optimizing financial resources. As highlighted by PACE online news, taxation plays a pivotal role in sustaining the state apparatus and fostering national prosperity. Therefore, a comprehensive understanding of tax principles not only enhances financial acumen but also cultivates social awareness.

In conclusion, while opinions may differ on whether financial management should be a mandatory subject, it is undeniable that it serves as a valuable tool for achieving financial goals and understanding the intricacies of taxation. Therefore, integrating financial literacy into school curricula can empower individuals to make informed financial decisions and contribute positively to society.