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Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us all want to do the same and look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us all want to do the same and look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a common belief that people are losing their identities since widespread advertisements. From my perspective, I have a contrary stance with this statement.
On the one hand, commercials might discourage people from being different individuals. Users are now being attracted by brand-new products, whose designs, packagings and qualities are some time overpromoted. If products are publicized this nay, customers are likely purchase the same ones, hence losing diff uniqueness in their appearances or activities. (It might seem convincing that this trend manipulates
public behaviour; howerver)
Some people might reckon that this trend manipulate public behaviours. However, it is only right at certain extent. In fact, Identities hardly can be eliminated by temporary Promotions. This is because personal critical evaluations and preferences vary. If customers buy the same dress, they may adjust and combine it with other accessories to fit themselves. Moreover, it is necessary for companies and brands to offer a wide
range of choices to improve the competitiveness. They are flexible in designing and producing an item with multiple models and this will be assessed by customers' opinions. Therefore, there is no likelihood the public was adversly affected by advertisments to do the same things and look
Therefore, there
alike…
In conclusion, commercial might affect people's buying behaviours, but hardly can synchronize them completely due to personal
choices and the variety of the products.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "since widespread advertisements" -> "due to the prevalence of advertising"
    Explanation: "Since widespread advertisements" is grammatically incorrect and lacks specificity. "Due to the prevalence of advertising" offers a clearer and more formal expression of the cause-effect relationship.

  2. "contrary stance with this statement" -> "contrary stance to this statement"
    Explanation: "Contrary stance with this statement" is grammatically incorrect. "Contrary stance to this statement" is the correct preposition to indicate opposition or contradiction.

  3. "packagings" -> "packaging"
    Explanation: "Packagings" is grammatically incorrect as "packaging" is already a plural form. Singular form "packaging" is appropriate in this context.

  4. "some time" -> "sometimes"
    Explanation: "Some time" is incorrect; it should be "sometimes" to indicate occasional occurrences.

  5. "overpromoted" -> "overhyped"
    Explanation: "Overpromoted" is not incorrect, but "overhyped" is a more concise and commonly used term in this context.

  6. "this nay" -> "this way"
    Explanation: "This nay" is incorrect; "this way" is the appropriate phrase to indicate manner or method.

  7. "purchase the same ones, hence losing diff uniqueness" -> "purchase the same ones, thereby compromising their uniqueness"
    Explanation: "Hence losing diff uniqueness" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Thereby compromising their uniqueness" is a clearer and more formal expression.

  8. "this trend manipulates public behaviour; howerver" -> "this trend manipulates public behavior; however,"
    Explanation: "Behaviour" should be spelled as "behavior" in academic writing. "However" should be followed by a comma for proper punctuation.

  9. "Some people might reckon that this trend manipulate public behaviours." -> "Some people might argue that this trend manipulates public behavior."
    Explanation: "Reckon" is too informal for academic writing. "Argue" is a more suitable term. "Behavior" should be singular to match the subject-verb agreement.

  10. "Identities hardly can be eliminated" -> "Identities cannot easily be eradicated"
    Explanation: "Hardly can be eliminated" is awkward; "cannot easily be eradicated" offers a clearer and more formal expression.

  11. "temporary Promotions" -> "temporary promotions"
    Explanation: Capitalizing "Promotions" is unnecessary; "temporary promotions" is correct as a common noun phrase.

  12. "adjust and combine it" -> "adjust and combine them"
    Explanation: "It" should be replaced with "them" for proper pronoun agreement with the plural noun "accessories."

  13. "flexible in designing and producing an item with multiple models and this will be assessed by customers’ opinions" -> "flexible in designing and producing items with multiple models, which will be evaluated based on customer feedback."
    Explanation: The original sentence is overly wordy and lacks clarity. Breaking it into two sentences and using "items" instead of "an item" improves readability. Additionally, "assessed by customers’ opinions" is vague; "evaluated based on customer feedback" is clearer and more formal.

  14. "there is no likelihood the public was adversly affected by advertisments" -> "there is little likelihood that the public was adversely affected by advertisements"
    Explanation: "No likelihood" is too absolute; "little likelihood" is more appropriate. "Adversly" should be corrected to "adversely."

  15. "to do the same things and look alike" -> "to behave similarly and look alike"
    Explanation: "Do the same things" is vague and informal. "Behave similarly" is a clearer and more formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the prompt by presenting a stance on the influence of advertising on individuality. It acknowledges the potential impact of advertisements on discouraging people from being different individuals but argues against this notion.
    • How to improve: While the essay provides a response to the prompt, it could benefit from a more comprehensive analysis of the different aspects of the question. For instance, it could delve deeper into the specific ways in which advertisements influence people’s behavior and perceptions of individuality.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a relatively clear position throughout, arguing against the idea that advertising discourages individuality. It presents counterarguments and supports them with examples.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could refine its thesis statement to explicitly state the author’s stance on the issue from the outset. Additionally, ensuring consistency in the argumentation and providing transitions between paragraphs would strengthen coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. It briefly discusses how advertisements may influence consumer behavior but does not extend these points with detailed examples or analysis.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more extensive examples and explanations to support its arguments. This could involve incorporating real-world examples or case studies to illustrate the impact of advertising on individual behavior more effectively.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally stays on topic by addressing the influence of advertising on individuality, there are instances of slight deviation. For example, the discussion briefly touches on the competitiveness of companies, which is tangential to the main argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points made directly relate to the central argument. Avoiding tangential discussions and maintaining a clear focus on the impact of advertising would strengthen coherence and relevance.

Overall, while the essay provides a response to the prompt and maintains a clear position, it would benefit from deeper analysis, stronger supporting evidence, and tighter focus to enhance coherence and effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally presents a clear organizational structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are instances of disjointed ideas and awkward transitions that slightly hinder the overall coherence. For example, the transition from discussing the influence of advertisements on individuality to the importance of offering a variety of products feels abrupt and could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on ensuring seamless transitions between ideas. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect different points more effectively. Additionally, make sure each paragraph focuses on one main idea and progresses logically to the next.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which helps in maintaining clarity. However, there are areas where the structure of paragraphs could be improved for better coherence. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better organized into separate paragraphs for clarity and focus.
    • How to improve: Aim to have each paragraph centered around a single main idea or argument. This will help in maintaining coherence and making it easier for the reader to follow the essay’s line of thought. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter ones to improve readability and clarity.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices to some extent, such as transition words like "however" and "moreover." However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, leading to repetitive transitions and a lack of variety in linking ideas.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Incorporate a variety of transition words and phrases to add depth and coherence to the essay. Additionally, consider using cohesive devices beyond transitional words, such as pronouns, parallel structure, and repetition of key terms, to strengthen the cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with attempts to use varied terms such as "identities," "overpromoted," "manipulate," "adjust," "flexible," and "competitiveness." However, some phrases lack clarity and precision, impacting the overall effectiveness of vocabulary usage.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on using vocabulary more precisely and effectively. Aim for clarity and coherence in expressing ideas. For instance, instead of "whose designs, packagings and qualities are some time overpromoted," consider using clearer language like "products that are often excessively marketed for their design, packaging, and features."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at precision in vocabulary usage, but there are instances of imprecise language that diminish clarity. For example, "commercial might affect people’s buying behaviours" lacks specificity.
    • How to improve: Strive for greater precision by using vocabulary that precisely conveys the intended meaning. Instead of "commercial might affect," consider using a more precise phrase like "advertising often influences people’s purchasing decisions."
  • Use Correct Spelling:
    • Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors throughout the essay, such as "nay" instead of "way," "howerver" instead of "however," and "adversly" instead of "adversely." These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: Improve spelling accuracy by proofreading carefully and using tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, practice spelling common words to reinforce correct usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some effort in utilizing vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of precision and clarity. Enhancing spelling accuracy and refining vocabulary usage can contribute to a more effective and cohesive expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the structures further to enhance the coherence and complexity of the essay. For example, while some sentences exhibit complexity, such as "If products are publicized this way, customers are likely to purchase the same ones, hence losing uniqueness in their appearances or activities," others are relatively simple, lacking variety and sophistication. More intricate structures, such as conditional sentences or clauses, could be incorporated to add depth and nuance to the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex structures like conditional sentences (e.g., "If advertising continues to homogenize consumer preferences, society may face challenges in preserving individuality"). Additionally, experiment with different sentence types, such as rhetorical questions or parallel structures, to engage the reader and convey ideas more dynamically.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair level of grammatical accuracy, with some notable errors throughout the text. For instance, there are instances of subject-verb agreement errors ("If products are publicized this nay"), punctuation mistakes ("…at certain extent. In fact, Identities hardly can be eliminated…"), and awkward phrasing ("…trend manipulates public behaviours"). While the overall grammar and punctuation are understandable, these errors detract from the clarity and precision of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is essential to review and practice basic grammar rules, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement, punctuation marks (such as commas and periods), and sentence structure. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors on specific grammatical issues can facilitate targeted improvement in areas of weakness.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a widespread belief that people are losing their individual identities due to the prevalence of advertising. However, I hold a contrary stance to this statement.

On one hand, advertisements may sometimes discourage people from embracing their uniqueness. Consumers are often attracted to brand-new products that are overhyped in terms of their designs, packaging, and qualities. Consequently, they may opt to purchase the same items, thereby compromising their uniqueness in appearance or behavior. Some may argue that this trend manipulates public behavior; however, this assertion is only partly accurate. In reality, identities cannot easily be eradicated by temporary promotions. Personal preferences and critical evaluations differ among individuals. For example, if customers buy identical clothing, they may choose to adjust and combine them with other accessories to suit their own style. Moreover, it is imperative for companies and brands to provide a wide array of choices to enhance competitiveness. They are often flexible in designing and producing items with multiple models, which will be evaluated based on customer feedback. Therefore, there is little likelihood that the public was adversely affected by advertisements to behave similarly and look alike.

In conclusion, while advertising may influence people’s purchasing behaviors, it is unlikely to completely synchronize them due to individual choices and the diverse range of products available.

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