advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us want to be and to look the same. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

in the contemporary world personality of each person plays such a vital role in our lives. it asserted that commercial platforms encourage people to impact on the similarity of people lifestyle. the writer wholeheartedly disagrees with this statement because of personalizing and their own choices
it is significant to be aware that each person in this planet has their own characteristics that different from others. by this the author means that our thinking and physical appearance are distinctive, making differences between people even when they wear the same clothes at the same time. for example, advertising has a profound impact on citizens especially advertisements with the collaboration of well-known artists encouraging citizens to purchase companies' products. and people afford for them to use in divergent situations for different age groups of community. as a result, they are personalizing themselves when put on common clothes.
however, the writer believes that some people think differently saying that giant market leaders have psychological persuasion tactics to catch the attention of customers that make this similarity in lifestyle and mindset. this is quite true, but the sole factor of this problem is our choices. people have tendency to buy clothes or something which are on-trend lead to create a community of people using those products although they can decide to be different. for example, with the domination of apple in Vietnam, Vietnamese are more likely to buy it immediately as a trend. as a consequence, all of the actions depend on our decisions, not always because of advertising effects.
to sum up, although some people claim that advertisements want us to be on the same wavelength the author firmly believes that each person is the owner of their lives and decisions

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"in the contemporary world" -> "in the modern world"
Explanation: "Contemporary" can be replaced with "modern" to simplify the phrase while maintaining the intended meaning, enhancing the formal tone of the essay.
"personality of each person plays such a vital role" -> "each person’s personality plays a crucial role"
Explanation: Simplifying "personality of each person" to "each person’s personality" corrects the awkward phrasing and enhances readability. Replacing "such a vital role" with "a crucial role" uses more precise language.
"it asserted that" -> "it is asserted that"
Explanation: Adding "is" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.
"impact on the similarity of people lifestyle" -> "influence on the similarity of people’s lifestyles"
Explanation: "Impact" should be "influence" to correctly convey the intended meaning of affecting or shaping. Adding "people’s" and "lifestyles" corrects the possessive form and pluralization, enhancing grammatical accuracy.
"the writer wholeheartedly disagrees" -> "the author strongly disagrees"
Explanation: "Wholeheartedly" is somewhat informal and emotional for academic writing. "Strongly" is more appropriate and maintains a formal tone.
"personalizing and their own choices" -> "personalizing and making their own choices"
Explanation: Adding "making" clarifies the verb phrase, improving the sentence structure and readability.
"each person in this planet" -> "each person on this planet"
Explanation: "In" is incorrect in this context; "on" is the correct preposition to use when referring to the Earth.
"different from others" -> "distinct from others"
Explanation: "Distinct" is a more precise and formal synonym for "different," enhancing the academic tone.
"by this the author means" -> "this implies"
Explanation: "By this the author means" is verbose and informal. "This implies" is concise and maintains the formal tone.
"advertisements with the collaboration of well-known artists" -> "advertisements featuring well-known artists"
Explanation: "Collaboration" is not the correct term here; "featuring" is more appropriate to describe the inclusion of artists in advertisements.
"people afford for them to use" -> "people afford to use them"
Explanation: Corrects the awkward and incorrect phrase structure to a more natural and grammatically correct form.
"divergent situations for different age groups of community" -> "various situations across different age groups in the community"
Explanation: "Divergent" is too technical and "various" is more appropriate for describing different situations. Also, "in the community" is more precise than "of the community."
"people have tendency to buy clothes or something which are on-trend" -> "people tend to buy clothes or products that are trendy"
Explanation: "Have tendency" is awkward and incorrect; "tend to" is the correct idiomatic expression. Also, "products" is more specific than "something," and "trendy" is more commonly used in this context than "on-trend."
"as a consequence, all of the actions depend on our decisions" -> "therefore, all actions depend on our decisions"
Explanation: "As a consequence" is a bit informal and verbose; "therefore" is more concise and formal.
"not always because of advertising effects" -> "not solely due to advertising effects"
Explanation: "Not always" is vague and informal; "not solely" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the exclusivity of the cause.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear disagreement with the notion that advertising discourages individuality. The writer acknowledges the opposing viewpoint regarding the influence of advertising but ultimately emphasizes personal choice as the determining factor in lifestyle and appearance. However, the response could benefit from a more explicit exploration of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement, as the prompt specifically asks for this evaluation.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position on the extent of their agreement or disagreement at the beginning and revisit this stance in the conclusion. Additionally, providing a more balanced discussion of both sides before concluding would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position that individuals have the power to make their own choices despite advertising influences. However, the phrasing in some sections could lead to confusion about the writer’s stance. For instance, the phrase "the sole factor of this problem is our choices" could be misinterpreted as downplaying the impact of advertising.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that their position is consistently articulated throughout the essay. Using clear and direct language to express agreement or disagreement, and reinforcing this position in each paragraph, would help maintain clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the uniqueness of individuals and the impact of advertising. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat underdeveloped. For example, while the writer mentions the influence of celebrities in advertising, there is limited elaboration on how this specifically affects individual choices. The examples provided, such as the popularity of Apple products, are relevant but could be better integrated into the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. Each point made should be followed by an elaboration that connects back to the main argument, demonstrating how it supports their position.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the influence of advertising on individuality. However, there are moments where the focus drifts, particularly when discussing the general impact of advertising without directly linking it back to the prompt. For instance, the mention of "psychological persuasion tactics" could be more explicitly tied to how these tactics affect individual choices.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should regularly refer back to the prompt and ensure that each point made directly relates to the question of whether advertising discourages individuality. Using topic sentences that clearly connect back to the main argument can help keep the essay on track.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. However, by refining the clarity of the position, enhancing the development of ideas, and ensuring a tight focus on the prompt, the writer can improve their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against the idea that advertising discourages individuality. The introduction sets the context, and the body paragraphs explore different aspects of the argument. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the impact of advertising to the assertion of personal choice is somewhat abrupt. The essay does not consistently follow a clear progression of ideas, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph builds on the previous one by using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the influence of advertising, explicitly state how personal choice plays a role before moving to the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure could be more effective. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s position, but it lacks a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. The second paragraph mixes examples and arguments, which can dilute the focus. The conclusion, while summarizing the main point, does not effectively tie back to the arguments presented.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that states the main idea. For example, the second paragraph could begin with a sentence like, "While advertising does influence consumer behavior, personal choice ultimately determines individual identity." This would provide clarity and focus. Additionally, consider separating distinct ideas into separate paragraphs to avoid overcrowding.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "for example," and "as a consequence." These help to connect ideas, but the range is limited, and some transitions feel forced. For instance, the phrase "this is quite true" does not smoothly connect to the following sentence, which can disrupt the flow of thought.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "on the other hand" to present contrasting ideas or "furthermore" to add additional information. Additionally, ensure that transitions are contextually appropriate and enhance the flow of ideas. For example, instead of "this is quite true," consider using "this perspective highlights the complexity of consumer behavior."

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve greater clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "contemporary," "vital role," "profound impact," and "psychological persuasion tactics." However, the range is limited, and many phrases are repetitive or lack sophistication. For instance, the phrase "people have tendency" could be more effectively expressed as "people tend to." Additionally, terms like "common clothes" and "on-trend" are somewhat informal and could be replaced with more academic alternatives.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should actively incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For example, instead of repeating "people," consider using "individuals," "consumers," or "members of society." Engaging with a thesaurus and practicing writing with varied vocabulary can help in this regard.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "impact on the similarity of people lifestyle," which is awkward and unclear. The phrase could be more accurately expressed as "influence the uniformity of people’s lifestyles." Additionally, "personalizing themselves when put on common clothes" lacks clarity; it could be interpreted in multiple ways.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and precision in word choice. Reading academic articles or essays can provide insight into how to use vocabulary accurately. Practicing paraphrasing sentences and ensuring that each word contributes to the intended meaning will also help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "personality of each person" (should be "the personality of each person"), "impact on the similarity of people lifestyle" (should be "people’s lifestyles"), and "have tendency" (should be "have a tendency"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Regular practice with spelling exercises can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary, ensuring precise word usage, and enhancing spelling accuracy through diligent practice and revision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the writer uses complex structures such as "the writer wholeheartedly disagrees with this statement because of personalizing and their own choices," which shows an attempt to convey nuanced ideas. However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "people have tendency to buy clothes or something which are on-trend lead to create a community." This sentence lacks clarity and proper structure, which detracts from the overall effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that effectively link ideas. For example, using relative clauses or conditional sentences could add depth. Additionally, varying the sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases or dependent clauses) can make the writing more engaging. Regular practice with sentence combining exercises could also be beneficial.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "each person in this planet has their own characteristics that different from others" should be corrected to "each person on this planet has their own characteristics that are different from others." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas that would help clarify the meaning, particularly in longer sentences. The use of lowercase letters at the beginning of sentences is also a significant oversight.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper use of articles, and ensuring that verbs are correctly conjugated. A thorough proofreading process to check for common grammatical errors and punctuation misuse is essential. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and correct these issues. Furthermore, studying punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity in writing.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, addressing these areas of grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the modern world, each person’s personality plays a crucial role in our lives. It is asserted that commercial platforms encourage people to influence the similarity of people’s lifestyles. The author strongly disagrees with this statement because of the importance of personalizing and making their own choices.

It is significant to be aware that each person on this planet has their own characteristics that are distinct from others. By this, the author means that our thoughts and physical appearances are unique, creating differences between people even when they wear the same clothes at the same time. For example, advertising has a profound impact on citizens, especially advertisements featuring well-known artists, which encourage individuals to purchase products from various companies. People can afford to use these products in diverse situations across different age groups in the community. As a result, they are personalizing themselves even when they wear common clothing.

However, the writer believes that some people think differently, arguing that giant market leaders employ psychological persuasion tactics to capture the attention of customers, which contributes to this similarity in lifestyle and mindset. This is quite true, but the sole factor in this issue is our choices. People tend to buy clothes or products that are trendy, leading to the creation of a community of individuals using those items, even though they can decide to be different. For example, with the domination of Apple in Vietnam, many Vietnamese are more likely to purchase their products immediately as a trend. Consequently, all actions depend on our decisions, not solely due to advertising effects.

To sum up, although some people claim that advertisements encourage us to be on the same wavelength, the author firmly believes that each person is the owner of their lives and decisions.