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Friendships that take place online are not as meaningful as those where people meet each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Friendships that take place online are not as meaningful as those where people
meet each other face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that there is inherently less value in online friendship compared to friends who met each other in real life. While acknowledging the reasons for this proposal, I partly disagree with it for several reasons which will be presented now.

On the one hand, it is understandable why people believe that online friendship lacks depth differentiate to those formed through face-to-face encounters. It has a limited strong impact on mental health. In fact, when friendships are interacted through media, they may need to meet in person to better know every aspect of their friends, which helps maintain the excitement of friendship and create a bond for it. Without that, individuals might be more inclined towards despondency, and online conversations may lack intimacy due to the limited information available about the other person. Take a research about human psychology as an example, it has shown that if people meet friends or relatives in real life, their bodies will produce hormones called happiness hormones that directly affect mood. This is a sign that there is tremendous value in real life friendships based around mental proximity which is negligible for online friendship

On the other hand, there are many compelling reasons for the positive significance of online friendship. It is beneficial for the mental health of certain individuals. Obviously, for groups of people facing challenging circumstances without direct avenues for sharing, when they connect like-minded people online, they can share with each other their similarities, which holds profound significance in overcoming psychological depression. Despite potential obstacles in narrative expression due to language disparities or text message clarity, modern social networking sites offer video calling facilities, enabling more meaningful interactions. For example, many countries still do not fully recognize the LGBT community and this is like a barrier to the development of these people. Thereby, they can connect with similar friends online to share and relieve stress resulting in their problems. The meaning of friendship is best demonstrated through this situation

In conclusion, despite the aforementioned drawback associated with online friendships, particularly the perceived lack of depth compared to face-to-face interactions, I believe that their positive impact on mental health prevails in specific instances.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "there is inherently less value" -> "there is inherently less value"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically correct, but it can be strengthened by using a more precise term like "intrinsic" instead of "inherently."

  2. "which will be presented now" -> "which will be presented herein."
    Explanation: Replacing "now" with "herein" adds formality to the sentence, aligning it more with academic writing conventions.

  3. "online friendship lacks depth differentiate to those formed through face-to-face encounters" -> "online friendship lacks the depth distinguishing it from those formed through face-to-face encounters."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances clarity and formal language by specifying the aspect of depth and using a more precise term, "distinguishing."

  4. "It has a limited strong impact on mental health." -> "It has a limited substantial impact on mental health."
    Explanation: Replacing "strong" with "substantial" improves the precision of the language, making it more suitable for academic writing.

  5. "they may need to meet in person to better know every aspect of their friends" -> "they may need to meet in person to comprehend every aspect of their friends."
    Explanation: The term "comprehend" is more formal and precise than "better know," contributing to a more academic tone.

  6. "despondency" -> "melancholy"
    Explanation: Substituting "despondency" with "melancholy" introduces a more formal and nuanced term, aligning with academic language expectations.

  7. "take a research about human psychology as an example" -> "take a study on human psychology as an example."
    Explanation: The suggested change uses the more appropriate term "study" instead of "research" in this context.

  8. "there is tremendous value in real life friendships based around mental proximity which is negligible for online friendship" -> "real-life friendships based on mental proximity hold tremendous value, a quality often lacking in online friendships."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence and using more precise language enhances clarity and formalizes the expression.

  9. "there are many compelling reasons for the positive significance" -> "there are several compelling reasons for the positive significance."
    Explanation: Replacing "many" with "several" maintains the meaning while introducing a more precise term, adhering to academic language norms.

  10. "they can share with each other their similarities" -> "they can share their commonalities."
    Explanation: Substituting "similarities" with "commonalities" provides a more sophisticated term without sacrificing clarity.

  11. "meaningful interactions" -> "meaningful exchanges"
    Explanation: Using "exchanges" adds a touch of formality and specificity, making the phrase more suitable for academic writing.

  12. "this is like a barrier to the development of these people" -> "this poses a barrier to the development of these individuals."
    Explanation: The suggested change replaces the colloquial "like" with a more formal expression, contributing to a more academic tone.

  13. "The meaning of friendship is best demonstrated through this situation" -> "This situation best exemplifies the essence of friendship."
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more succinct and formal expression while maintaining the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question by presenting arguments both in favor of and against the idea that online friendships are less meaningful than face-to-face ones. The reasons for disagreement are provided, demonstrating an understanding of the prompt.
    • How to improve: While the essay generally covers the elements of the prompt, it could enhance its depth by delving further into specific aspects, such as the impact on different types of relationships or the potential evolution of online friendships.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing partial disagreement with the notion that online friendships are inherently less valuable. The stance is evident in the introduction, developed in the body paragraphs, and reaffirmed in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity, the essay could explicitly outline the specific aspects in which online friendships hold value, reinforcing the central argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Both sides of the argument are explored with relevant examples, such as the impact on mental health and the potential barriers faced by certain communities. The use of a psychological study adds credibility to the arguments.
    • How to improve: While the examples are generally relevant, the essay could benefit from a more in-depth exploration of the psychological study mentioned, providing specific details or citing sources to enhance the credibility of the evidence.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, addressing the comparison between online and face-to-face friendships. However, there are instances where the focus becomes less clear, such as the discussion of language disparities and text message clarity.
    • How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus, the essay should ensure that all examples and details directly contribute to the argument, avoiding tangential discussions that may divert attention from the main topic.

Overall Comments:
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a well-structured argument with examples to support the position. To improve, the essay could delve deeper into specific aspects, strengthen the clarity of its stance, provide more details for evidence, and ensure a consistent focus on the main topic throughout. Additionally, enhancing the depth of analysis would contribute to a more comprehensive response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction presenting the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a coherent structure, each presenting a different perspective on online friendships. The use of transitional phrases, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," helps guide the reader through the argument.
    • How to improve: While the logical organization is generally effective, there are instances of awkward phrasing and minor inconsistencies in sentence structure. For example, in the second paragraph, the phrase "it has a limited strong impact on mental health" could be revised for clarity. To enhance coherence, ensure that each sentence flows smoothly into the next, maintaining a consistent level of formality.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are a few areas where paragraphing could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph is quite lengthy and covers multiple ideas, which may slightly hinder readability.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into more concise ones to enhance clarity and readability. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, with a clear topic sentence and supporting details. This ensures a smoother flow of information and makes it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"), pronouns, and lexical cohesion. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay by linking ideas and maintaining a logical progression.
    • How to improve: While the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, there is room for improvement in the precise use of pronouns. For example, in the second paragraph, the phrase "it has a limited strong impact on mental health" could be revised for clarity. Ensure that pronouns refer unambiguously to their antecedents to avoid confusion. Additionally, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as parallel structure and synonyms, to add variety to the writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles. Improvements in sentence clarity, paragraph structure, and the precise use of cohesive devices would further enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating both general and somewhat specific terms related to the topic. For instance, words like "despondency," "proximity," and "LGBT community" contribute to a varied vocabulary. However, there’s room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated and nuanced vocabulary to elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, consider incorporating more advanced and precise terms. Instead of commonly used phrases, experiment with synonyms and explore nuanced expressions. For instance, in the phrase "perceived lack of depth," you might substitute "perceived" with "alleged" and "depth" with "substance."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "it has a limited strong impact on mental health" may benefit from a more precise adjective than "limited strong." Consider alternatives such as "modest" or "constrained" for a more accurate representation of the idea.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Be attentive to potential synonyms or alternative terms that might better capture the nuances of your ideas. Additionally, strive to avoid vague or ambiguous language, ensuring that each word contributes to the clarity and precision of your argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate level of spelling. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as "differentiate" instead of "differentiated," "interacted" instead of "interacted," and "meet" instead of "meets." These do not significantly hinder comprehension but could be improved for a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Regular proofreading is crucial for catching these minor spelling errors. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar-checking tools to identify and correct such mistakes. Additionally, be mindful of verb tense consistency to enhance overall grammatical accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and a reasonably good command of vocabulary. To improve, focus on refining vocabulary choices for precision and incorporating a wider range of sophisticated terms. Additionally, consistent proofreading will contribute to eliminating minor spelling and grammatical errors, enhancing the overall quality of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including complex sentences ("While acknowledging the reasons for this proposal, I partly disagree…"), conditional structures ("If people meet friends or relatives in real life, their bodies will produce hormones called happiness hormones…"), and cause-and-effect relationships ("Without that, individuals might be more inclined towards despondency…"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety of structures, as some sentences follow a similar pattern, impacting the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more advanced sentence structures, such as inverted sentences, parallelism, and varied sentence lengths. Additionally, experiment with different introductory phrases and clauses to add nuance and complexity to your sentences.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, "It has a limited strong impact on mental health" could be revised to "It has a limited impact on mental health." There is also an issue with the sentence "Take a research about human psychology as an example," where "a research" should be corrected to "research." Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are areas where sentence structure could be improved for clarity.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread your essay to identify and correct grammatical errors, paying attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Additionally, focus on sentence structure for clarity; break down complex ideas into clear, concise sentences. For example, in the sentence about happiness hormones, consider restructuring it for better flow: "When people meet friends or relatives in person, their bodies produce happiness hormones that directly affect mood."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, but refining sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical errors will contribute to a more polished and effective piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that online friendships inherently have less value compared to those formed through face-to-face encounters. While acknowledging the reasons for this proposal, I partly disagree with it for several reasons, which will be presented herein.

On the one hand, it is understandable why people believe that online friendships lack the depth distinguishing them from those formed through face-to-face encounters. Online friendships may have a limited substantial impact on mental health. In fact, when friendships are conducted through digital means, individuals may need to meet in person to comprehend every aspect of their friends. This helps maintain the excitement of friendship and creates a bond. Without that, individuals might be more inclined towards melancholy, and online conversations may lack intimacy due to the limited information available about the other person. Take a study on human psychology as an example; it has shown that if people meet friends or relatives in real life, their bodies will produce hormones called happiness hormones that directly affect mood. This is a sign that real-life friendships, based on mental proximity, hold tremendous value, a quality often lacking in online friendships.

On the other hand, there are several compelling reasons for the positive significance of online friendship. It is beneficial for the mental health of certain individuals. Obviously, for groups of people facing challenging circumstances without direct avenues for sharing, when they connect with like-minded people online, they can share their commonalities. This holds profound significance in overcoming psychological depression. Despite potential obstacles in narrative expression due to language disparities or text message clarity, modern social networking sites offer video calling facilities, enabling more meaningful exchanges. For example, many countries still do not fully recognize the LGBT community, and this poses a barrier to the development of these individuals. Thereby, they can connect with similar friends online to share and relieve stress resulting from their problems. This situation best exemplifies the essence of friendship.

In conclusion, despite the aforementioned drawback associated with online friendships, particularly the perceived lack of depth compared to face-to-face interactions, I believe that their positive impact on mental health prevails in specific instances.

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