If people could choose between a life without work and spending most of their time working, they could always choose not to work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
If people could choose between a life without work and spending most of their time working, they could always choose not to work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
If people could choose between a life without work and spending most of their time working they could always choose not to work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
In recent days a large quantity of individuals don’t want to spend time for work, they would likely always choose life without job. While the thing is, everyone wants to spend time without a lot of hard work, not that. While one will choose to work, there are some reason why & other still choose go to, though.
On the one hand, going doing work people feel bored, when they go to work because they lack of motivation when they go to work. The company they work that the job, or the company which are not fitted with their interest, hobby and mind set. More over, the job have a low wages, or some job issue often require overtime, so have finish work too late, so they do lots of time and shortage of time for care about themselves, no great up to serious to help solve problems especially psychological issue.
On the other hand, although I think that doing job bring for persons in a positive manner. Firstly, they are hard-working and have balance for life, it helps enhance the value of life, more over earning money, they work earned salaries, they have finance, using it to meet the needs and preferences in of their life. Additionally, if they choose the life without work, they don’t have enough money to support growth, they don’t do not have enough money reading to increase the number of crime.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In recent days" -> "In recent years"
Explanation: "In recent days" is vague and informal. "In recent years" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, indicating a longer period of time. -
"a large quantity of individuals don’t want to spend time for work" -> "a significant number of individuals do not wish to dedicate time to work"
Explanation: "A large quantity of individuals" is awkward and informal. "A significant number of individuals" is more formal and precise. "Do not wish to dedicate time to work" is more formal than "don’t want to spend time for work." -
"they would likely always choose life without job" -> "they would likely always opt for a life without employment"
Explanation: "Job" is too informal and specific for this context. "Employment" is more appropriate and formal. "Opt for" is also more academically precise than "choose." -
"not that" -> "not necessarily"
Explanation: "Not that" is unclear and informal. "Not necessarily" is clearer and more appropriate for academic writing, indicating possibility rather than certainty. -
"going doing work" -> "engaging in work"
Explanation: "Going doing work" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Engaging in work" is grammatically correct and formal. -
"lack of motivation when they go to work" -> "lack of motivation in their work"
Explanation: "When they go to work" is awkward and informal. "In their work" is more direct and formal. -
"The company they work that the job" -> "the company for which they work"
Explanation: "The company they work that the job" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "The company for which they work" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"More over, the job have a low wages" -> "Moreover, the job has low wages"
Explanation: "More over" is a typographical error. "Moreover" is the correct conjunction. "The job have" is grammatically incorrect; "the job has" corrects the verb agreement. -
"some job issue often require overtime" -> "some jobs often require overtime"
Explanation: "Job issue" is unclear and informal. "Jobs" is the correct noun form, and "often require" is grammatically correct. -
"so have finish work too late" -> "so they finish work too late"
Explanation: "So have finish work" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "So they finish work" corrects the verb agreement and improves readability. -
"do lots of time and shortage of time" -> "spend a lot of time and have a shortage of time"
Explanation: "Do lots of time" is incorrect and unclear. "Spend a lot of time" is grammatically correct and clear. "Have a shortage of time" is also grammatically correct. -
"no great up to serious to help solve problems" -> "not sufficient to seriously address problems"
Explanation: "No great up to serious" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "Not sufficient to seriously address" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"doing job bring for persons in a positive manner" -> "working brings benefits to individuals"
Explanation: "Doing job" is informal and grammatically incorrect. "Working brings benefits to individuals" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"more over earning money, they work earned salaries" -> "Moreover, earning money, they earn salaries"
Explanation: "More over" is a typographical error. "Moreover" is the correct conjunction. "They work earned" is grammatically incorrect; "they earn" corrects the verb agreement. -
"they don’t do not have enough money reading to increase the number of crime" -> "they do not have sufficient funds to reduce crime rates"
Explanation: "They don’t do not have enough money reading to increase the number of crime" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "They do not have sufficient funds to reduce crime rates" is grammatically correct and clearer.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing the choice between a life without work and a life dominated by work. However, it does not clearly articulate a position on the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The introduction is somewhat confusing, and the body paragraphs lack a clear connection to the prompt. For example, the mention of individuals preferring a life without work is not effectively balanced with a counterargument or a clear stance on the issue.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph supports this position. A clear thesis statement outlining the extent of agreement or disagreement would provide a strong foundation for the essay.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a consistent position throughout. While it mentions both sides of the argument, it does not clearly favor one over the other. For instance, the phrase "while one will choose to work, there are some reason why" is vague and does not convey a strong opinion. The transition between discussing the negatives of work and the positives is not smooth, leading to confusion about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on maintaining a clear position by using definitive language. Phrases like "I strongly agree" or "I partially disagree" would help clarify the stance. Additionally, each paragraph should reinforce this position, with topic sentences that reflect the main argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but fails to extend or support them effectively. For example, the mention of "lack of motivation" and "low wages" is relevant, but these points are not elaborated upon or supported with examples. The ideas are often presented in a fragmented manner, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to develop each idea more fully. This can be done by providing specific examples, statistics, or personal anecdotes that illustrate the points being made. Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear main idea, followed by supporting details that elaborate on that idea.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the topic. For instance, the discussion about psychological issues and crime feels tangential and does not directly relate to the choice between working and not working. This lack of focus detracts from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should regularly refer back to the prompt and ensure that all points made directly relate to the central question. Creating an outline before writing can help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering the prompt.
In summary, to improve the essay’s score, the writer should clarify their position, develop and support their ideas more thoroughly, and ensure that all content remains relevant to the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas related to the prompt, but the organization of these ideas is weak. For instance, the introduction lacks clarity and fails to establish a clear position on the topic. The transition between the two main points (the drawbacks of working and the benefits of not working) is abrupt, which disrupts the logical flow. The points made in each paragraph are not fully developed or clearly linked to the main argument, making it difficult for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and outline the main points they will discuss. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, followed by supporting details that are logically connected. Using clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs will also help guide the reader through the argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first paragraph is overly long and combines multiple ideas without clear separation. The second paragraph, while attempting to contrast the two perspectives, lacks a clear structure and coherence. Additionally, there are grammatical errors that further obscure the intended meaning, such as "going doing work" and "the company they work that the job."
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. It would be beneficial to separate the discussion of the drawbacks of working into one paragraph and the benefits into another. Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. This will improve clarity and make the essay easier to read.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the overall flow. Phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" are used, but they are not always followed by clear or relevant supporting information. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that hinder the effectiveness of the cohesive devices, such as "they don’t do not have enough money reading to increase the number of crime."
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively. For example, using "however," "furthermore," and "in contrast" can help clarify relationships between points. Additionally, ensuring grammatical accuracy will enhance the clarity of these connections. Practicing the use of cohesive devices in context will help the writer become more comfortable with their application.
Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt, significant improvements in organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary, with many phrases being repetitive or overly simplistic. For example, terms like "work," "job," and "life without work" are used frequently without variation. The phrase "a large quantity of individuals" is somewhat awkward and could be replaced with "many people" or "a significant number of individuals" for clarity and fluency. The use of "going doing work" is also confusing and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "work," alternatives like "employment," "occupation," or "profession" could be utilized. Additionally, using phrases like "the workforce" or "the labor market" can add variety and depth to the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the company they work that the job" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. Similarly, "more over" should be written as "moreover," and "the job have a low wages" should be corrected to "the job has low wages." The phrase "doing job bring for persons in a positive manner" is also awkward and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on constructing clear and grammatically correct sentences. Using tools like a thesaurus can help find more appropriate words, but it is essential to ensure that the chosen words fit the context. Practicing sentence structure and clarity through writing exercises can also help in this regard.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "more over" (should be "moreover"), "wages" (used correctly but the phrase structure is incorrect), and "reading to increase the number of crime" (should be "leading to an increase in crime"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can improve overall spelling skills.
In summary, to improve the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary, using words more precisely, and ensuring correct spelling throughout the essay. Regular reading and writing practice, along with feedback from peers or instructors, can significantly aid in this development.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complexity. For instance, phrases like "they could always choose not to work" and "they lack of motivation when they go to work" showcase basic structures. The use of conjunctions is minimal, and there are few instances of more complex grammatical forms, such as conditional clauses or varied sentence beginnings. The attempt to use phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" indicates an awareness of structure, but these are not fully developed into complex arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "they lack of motivation when they go to work," the writer could say, "Many individuals lack motivation when they go to work, which can lead to feelings of boredom and dissatisfaction." Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and using different types of clauses can help create a more engaging and sophisticated writing style.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "a large quantity of individuals don’t want to spend time for work" should be "a large number of individuals don’t want to spend time working." The phrase "the company they work that the job" is confusing and grammatically incorrect. Additionally, punctuation is often missing, such as the absence of a comma before "they could always choose not to work" in the introductory sentence, which affects the flow of the text. The use of "&" is inappropriate and indicates a lack of proofreading.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, correct preposition use, and the proper formation of phrases. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify and correct common errors. Furthermore, the writer should revise their work for punctuation, ensuring that commas are used to separate clauses and enhance readability. Reading more academic essays can also provide insight into proper grammar and punctuation usage.
Overall, while the essay presents some ideas relevant to the prompt, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are needed to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice, feedback, and revision will be essential for the writer’s development.
Bài sửa mẫu
If people could choose between a life without work and spending most of their time working, they could always choose not to work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
In recent years, a significant number of individuals do not wish to dedicate time to work; they would likely always opt for a life without employment. While the reality is that everyone wants to spend time without a lot of hard work, this is not necessarily the case. While some may choose to work, there are reasons why others still choose to go to work.
On the one hand, when people engage in work, they often feel bored because they lack motivation. The company for which they work may not fit their interests, hobbies, or mindset. Moreover, the job may have low wages, and some jobs often require overtime, so they finish work too late. As a result, they spend a lot of time working and have a shortage of time to care for themselves, which is not sufficient to seriously address problems, especially psychological issues.
On the other hand, although I think that working brings benefits to individuals in a positive manner. Firstly, those who are hard-working can achieve a balance in life, which helps enhance the value of life. Moreover, by earning money, they receive salaries that provide them with the finances needed to meet their needs and preferences in life. Additionally, if they choose a life without work, they do not have enough money to support their growth and may not have sufficient funds to reduce crime rates.