In some countries the average weight of people is increasing, and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Nowadays, the obesity problem is spreading all over the world. In my opinion, unhealthy eating habit is the main reason and this phenomenon should be handled in order that people throughout the world have strong physical strength and long life expectancy
Unhealthy eating habits are so popular in all age groups that people illustrate this phenomenon like a pandemic. Many individuals, particularly in urban areas, have to cope with the increasing desk job and work pressure, leaving them with the lack of time to prepare a meal. As a result, reliance on fast foods or a tendency to eat irregularly such as eating at night may occur in this group that is very harmful for their health. For another example, teenagers who usually consume junk foods, because of lacking knowledge about balanced eating habits. That phenomenon occurs in both developed and developing countries, as a increasing consumption in processed food have been realised by our society
The best way to alleviate this problem is changing eating habits, but it is very hard for us to do it immediately. To solve irregular frequency in eating habits, the government should change our working system until this policy is suitable for individuals to prepare their own meal but it is detrimental to our economy. If worker's family can prepare meals for workers, it must be very easy for us to handle this problem. In term of teenager, school lectures is very essential to provide them knowledge about importance of balanced eating habits
In conclusion,the rise in obesity and decline in overall health are primarily driven by unhealthy eating habits. The obesity problem is very hard for us to solve immediately but we can solve it gradually in long term progress by family reliance and changing the younger generation's thinking.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"spreading all over the world" -> "widespread globally"
Explanation: "Widespread globally" is a more formal and precise phrase that avoids the colloquial tone of "spreading all over the world."
"unhealthy eating habit" -> "unhealthy dietary habits"
Explanation: "Dietary habits" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "eating habit," which is vague and informal.
"this phenomenon should be handled" -> "this issue should be addressed"
Explanation: "Addressed" is a more formal and precise term than "handled," which is somewhat vague and informal in this context.
"people throughout the world have strong physical strength and long life expectancy" -> "individuals worldwide can maintain robust physical health and extend their life expectancy"
Explanation: "Individuals worldwide" is more formal than "people throughout the world," and "maintain robust physical health and extend their life expectancy" is a more precise and formal way to express the desired outcomes.
"people illustrate this phenomenon like a pandemic" -> "this phenomenon is likened to a pandemic"
Explanation: "This phenomenon is likened to a pandemic" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "people illustrate."
"have to cope with the increasing desk job and work pressure" -> "must contend with the growing demands of desk jobs and work pressure"
Explanation: "Must contend with" is more formal and precise than "have to cope with," and "growing demands" is a more specific description than "increasing."
"leaving them with the lack of time" -> "resulting in a lack of time"
Explanation: "Resulting in a lack of time" is more direct and formal, avoiding the awkward construction of "leaving them with the lack of."
"eating at night" -> "late-night eating"
Explanation: "Late-night eating" is a more formal and specific term than the colloquial "eating at night."
"For another example" -> "For instance"
Explanation: "For instance" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing than "For another example."
"because of lacking knowledge" -> "due to a lack of knowledge"
Explanation: "Due to a lack of knowledge" is grammatically correct and more formal than "because of lacking."
"as a increasing consumption in processed food have been realised by our society" -> "as an increasing consumption of processed foods has been recognized by society"
Explanation: "As an increasing consumption of processed foods has been recognized by society" corrects grammatical errors and enhances formality.
"changing eating habits, but it is very hard for us to do it immediately" -> "altering dietary habits, which is challenging to implement immediately"
Explanation: "Altering dietary habits, which is challenging to implement immediately" uses more formal vocabulary and avoids the personal pronoun "us," which is less appropriate in academic writing.
"the government should change our working system" -> "the government should modify the working system"
Explanation: "Modify" is a more precise and formal term than "change," and removing "our" makes the sentence more objective and formal.
"it is detrimental to our economy" -> "it is detrimental to the economy"
Explanation: Removing "our" makes the statement more general and formal, focusing on the broader economic implications rather than a personal perspective.
"In term of teenager" -> "In terms of teenagers"
Explanation: "In terms of" is the correct prepositional phrase, and "teenagers" should be plural to match the context.
"school lectures is very essential" -> "school lectures are very essential"
Explanation: "Lectures" is a plural noun and requires the plural verb "are" for grammatical correctness.
"importance of balanced eating habits" -> "importance of maintaining balanced eating habits"
Explanation: "Maintaining" is a more precise verb than "importance of," which is vague and less formal.
"the rise in obesity and decline in overall health are primarily driven by unhealthy eating habits" -> "the rise in obesity and decline in overall health are primarily attributed to unhealthy eating habits"
Explanation: "Attributed to" is a more precise and formal expression than "driven by," which is somewhat colloquial.
"The obesity problem is very hard for us to solve immediately" -> "The obesity problem is challenging to address immediately"
Explanation: "Challenging to address" is more formal and avoids the personal pronoun "us," which is less appropriate in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying causes (unhealthy eating habits and lifestyle changes) and suggesting measures (changing eating habits and educational initiatives). However, the exploration of causes is somewhat limited, focusing primarilyon unhealthy eating without adequately addressing other potential factors such as lack of physical activity or socio-economic influences. The measures proposed are also somewhat vague and could benefit from more specific examples or strategies.
- How to improve: To more comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should consider including a broader range of causes, such as sedentary lifestyles and the influence of marketing on food choices. Additionally, more concrete measures could be suggested, such as community fitness programs or government regulations on food advertising.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that unhealthy eating habits are the primary cause of obesity and declining health. However, the argument could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions lacks a strong linkage, which can confuse the reader about the writer’s overall stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly ties back to the main argument. Using transitional phrases that reiterate the main point can help guide the reader and reinforce the writer’s position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the impact of urban lifestyles on eating habits and the need for education among teenagers. However, the support for these ideas is often weak. For example, the claim that unhealthy eating habits are like a pandemic is not substantiated with data or examples, which weakens the argument.
- How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or studies that support their claims. For instance, citing research on the correlation between fast food consumption and obesity rates could strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing obesity and health issues related to eating habits. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when discussing the economic implications of changing work systems. This can distract from the main argument and dilute the overall message.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the causes and solutions of obesity and health issues. Avoiding tangential discussions and sticking closely to the prompt will help keep the essay on track.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from deeper exploration of causes and solutions, stronger support for ideas, and improved focus on the prompt. By addressing these areas, the writer could enhance the overall effectiveness of their argument and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the causes of obesity and suggests measures to address it. However, the organization of ideas could be improved. For instance, the introduction outlines the main argument but lacks a clear thesis statement that delineates the causes and solutions. The body paragraphs present ideas, but the transitions between them are sometimes abrupt, making it challenging for the reader to follow the logical progression of thoughts. The first body paragraph discusses unhealthy eating habits without clearly linking it to the subsequent discussion on government intervention and education.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Additionally, use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea, and employ transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") to connect ideas between paragraphs more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness vary. The first body paragraph is quite long and covers multiple ideas without clear separation, which can overwhelm the reader. The second body paragraph introduces solutions but lacks a clear structure, making it difficult to identify distinct points. The conclusion is concise but could benefit from a summary of the key arguments made in the essay.
- How to improve: Break down longer paragraphs into smaller ones that focus on a single idea. For example, separate the discussion of unhealthy eating habits from the mention of work pressure. Each paragraph should ideally start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. In the conclusion, briefly restate the main causes and solutions discussed to reinforce the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for another example" and "in conclusion," but their use is somewhat limited. There is a tendency to rely on basic connectors, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, some cohesive devices are misused or awkwardly placed, such as "that phenomenon occurs in both developed and developing countries," which could be more clearly linked to the preceding sentence.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Moreover," "Consequently," or "As a result" to show relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are placed correctly to enhance clarity. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help improve their effectiveness in writing.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "obesity," "unhealthy eating habits," and "processed food" being effectively used. However, the vocabulary tends to be repetitive, particularly with phrases like "unhealthy eating habits" and "junk foods." The use of synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "unhealthy eating habits," alternatives like "poor dietary choices" or "unwholesome eating patterns" could be employed. Additionally, using more varied adjectives and verbs would contribute to a more dynamic vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "a increasing consumption in processed food have been realised" contains grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. The term "realised" is not the correct choice in this context; "observed" or "noted" would be more appropriate.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. It is crucial to ensure that verbs accurately convey the intended meaning. Additionally, reviewing grammatical structures and ensuring subject-verb agreement will improve clarity. For example, revising "a increasing consumption" to "an increasing consumption" would correct the grammatical error.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling and grammatical errors, such as "desk job" (which should be "desk jobs") and "in term of teenager" (which should be "in terms of teenagers"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or vocabulary quizzes can reinforce correct spelling habits. It may also be beneficial to read more extensively, as exposure to correctly spelled words can enhance spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs some relevant vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in terms of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating varied vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and focusing on spelling and grammatical correctness, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and overall essay quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences like "Unhealthy eating habits are so popular in all age groups" are prevalent, alongside some complex structures such as "As a result, reliance on fast foods or a tendency to eat irregularly such as eating at night may occur in this group that is very harmful for their health." However, the overall variety is limited, and many sentences lack complexity, which can hinder the flow and engagement of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences. For example, instead of "The best way to alleviate this problem is changing eating habits," you could write, "While changing eating habits is the best way to alleviate this problem, it is challenging to implement immediately." Additionally, using relative clauses and participial phrases can add depth to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, "because of lacking knowledge about balanced eating habits" should be revised to "because they lack knowledge about balanced eating habits." Additionally, the phrase "as a increasing consumption in processed food have been realised by our society" contains subject-verb agreement errors; it should be "as an increasing consumption of processed food has been realized by our society." Punctuation issues, such as the missing space after commas in "In conclusion,the rise in obesity," detract from the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these rules. For punctuation, ensure that you proofread your work to catch missing spaces and other errors. Reading your essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation mistakes.

By addressing these areas for improvement, you can enhance the overall quality of your writing, leading to a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Currently, the obesity problem is widespread globally. In my opinion, unhealthy dietary habits are the main cause, and this issue should be addressed so that individuals worldwide can maintain robust physical health and extend their life expectancy.

Unhealthy eating habits are so prevalent across all age groups that many people liken this phenomenon to a pandemic. Numerous individuals, particularly in urban areas, must contend with the growing demands of desk jobs and work pressure, resulting in a lack of time to prepare nutritious meals. As a consequence, there is a reliance on fast foods or a tendency for late-night eating, which can be very harmful to their health. For instance, teenagers often consume junk foods due to a lack of knowledge about balanced eating habits. This issue is evident in both developed and developing countries, as the increasing consumption of processed foods has been recognized by society.

The best way to alleviate this problem is by altering dietary habits, which is challenging to implement immediately. To address the irregular frequency of eating habits, the government should modify the working system to create a policy that allows individuals to prepare their own meals, although this may be detrimental to the economy. If workers’ families can prepare meals for them, it would be much easier to tackle this issue. In terms of teenagers, school lectures are very essential to provide them with knowledge about the importance of maintaining balanced eating habits.

In conclusion, the rise in obesity and the decline in overall health are primarily attributed to unhealthy eating habits. The obesity problem is challenging to address immediately, but we can work towards a solution gradually through family support and by changing the younger generation’s mindset.