In the last few decades, there have been more and more cases of famous people being pursued by the press. Some people think that famous people in the media should have to give up their privacy.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In my opinion, I can't agree that because the press pursued more and more case of famous people is an invasion of privacy and their life. They are human like everybody and have the right to do private things and should not to be cared for or shared by others, even the smallest thing in their life
Some people think that famous people in the media should have to give up their privacy but that wrong if you are a famous person with a lot of good things in media, then if there is just one bad thing about yourself. You will being pursued by the press and bothered by everyone that will affect your future life
So that, I can't accept that information because that is an invasion of other people's privacy.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"I can’t agree that because" -> "I disagree because"
Explanation: Replacing "I can’t agree that because" with "I disagree because" maintains a more concise and direct expression of disagreement, aligning with a formal writing style.
"pursued more and more case of famous people" -> "covered an increasing number of cases involving famous individuals"
Explanation: Substituting "pursued more and more case of famous people" with "covered an increasing number of cases involving famous individuals" enhances precision and formality by using more specific and appropriate terms.
"is an invasion of privacy and their life" -> "constitutes an invasion of their privacy and personal life"
Explanation: Changing "is an invasion of privacy and their life" to "constitutes an invasion of their privacy and personal life" adds clarity and formality to the statement, making it more academically suitable.
"They are human like everybody" -> "They, like everyone else, are human"
Explanation: Replacing "They are human like everybody" with "They, like everyone else, are human" maintains the intended meaning while adhering to a more formal and structured expression.
"should not to be cared for or shared by others" -> "should not be intruded upon or disclosed by others"
Explanation: Substituting "should not to be cared for or shared by others" with "should not be intruded upon or disclosed by others" conveys the idea with greater precision and formality.
"even the smallest thing in their life" -> "even the minutest aspects of their lives"
Explanation: Changing "even the smallest thing in their life" to "even the minutest aspects of their lives" employs a more sophisticated and precise vocabulary, contributing to a more formal tone.
"but that wrong" -> "but that is incorrect"
Explanation: Replacing "but that wrong" with "but that is incorrect" ensures grammatical correctness and elevates the formality of the expression.
"if there is just one bad thing about yourself" -> "if even a single negative aspect of yourself is revealed"
Explanation: Substituting "if there is just one bad thing about yourself" with "if even a single negative aspect of yourself is revealed" offers a more detailed and formal expression, avoiding colloquial language.
"You will being pursued by the press" -> "You will be pursued by the media"
Explanation: Changing "You will being pursued by the press" to "You will be pursued by the media" simplifies the sentence structure and uses a more standard term ("media") in academic writing.
"and bothered by everyone that will affect your future life" -> "and face public scrutiny that may impact your future"
Explanation: Substituting "and bothered by everyone that will affect your future life" with "and face public scrutiny that may impact your future" enhances clarity and formality, providing a more polished expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the question by presenting the writer’s disagreement with the idea that famous people in the media should give up their privacy. However, the explanation lacks depth, and the argumentation is limited. The essay could benefit from a more comprehensive analysis of both sides of the argument and a more structured approach to address all parts of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, consider explicitly addressing each aspect of the prompt. Begin with a clear introduction stating your position, followed by body paragraphs that explore both perspectives. Provide specific examples and reasoning to support your stance. Remember to conclude by summarizing your main points.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to maintain a clear position by expressing disagreement with the idea of celebrities sacrificing their privacy. However, the lack of detailed examples and the informal language impact the overall clarity and consistency of the argument.
- How to improve: To present a more coherent position, focus on refining your thesis statement and providing concrete examples or anecdotes to support your stance. Use formal language and ensure a logical flow between sentences and paragraphs to strengthen the essay’s overall coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks in presenting, extending, and supporting ideas effectively. The writer briefly mentions the invasion of privacy but fails to provide substantial examples or develop the argument further. This results in a lack of depth and conviction in the essay’s content.
- How to improve: Strengthen your essay by expanding on your ideas. Provide specific instances or case studies related to famous individuals facing privacy invasion. Elaborate on the consequences of such invasions and explore the broader implications. This will add depth and credibility to your arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a general focus on the topic of privacy invasion for famous individuals, but it lacks specificity and coherence. There is a need for more concrete examples and a clearer connection between ideas.
- How to improve: To stay more on topic, focus on specific aspects of privacy invasion, such as paparazzi intrusion or social media scrutiny. Provide detailed examples that directly relate to the prompt. Additionally, ensure a logical progression of ideas to enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
In summary, while the essay expresses a clear disagreement with the prompt, it falls short in providing a comprehensive analysis, using specific examples, and maintaining a formal and coherent tone. Improvements in addressing all parts of the question, presenting a clear position, extending ideas, and staying on topic will contribute to a more effective response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay struggles with logical organization. The ideas are presented in a somewhat disjointed manner, making it challenging for the reader to follow a clear line of reasoning. For example, the essay begins by expressing disagreement but lacks a smooth transition between points. Furthermore, the argumentation lacks depth and development, contributing to an overall lack of coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider creating a clear introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Develop each point in a separate paragraph, ensuring a smooth transition between ideas. Provide supporting details and examples to bolster the argument and contribute to a more coherent structure.
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s paragraphing is rudimentary, with only two paragraphs that fail to effectively structure the content. The lack of clear topic sentences and transitions between ideas hinders the overall flow and coherence.
- How to improve: Adopt a more systematic approach to paragraphing. Begin each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay logically.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, which impacts the overall flow and coherence. Sentences are often disconnected, making it challenging for the reader to follow the progression of ideas.
- How to improve: Integrate a diverse range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve the overall coherence. Use transition words and phrases like "furthermore," "however," and "in conclusion" to signal shifts between points. Additionally, pay attention to pronoun reference and parallel structure to create a more cohesive and connected narrative.
In summary, while the essay presents a perspective on the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Adopting a more systematic approach to essay structure and incorporating a variety of cohesive devices will contribute to a more coherent and effective response.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 4
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. There is a repetition of phrases like "famous people," "press pursued," and "invasion of privacy." Additionally, the vocabulary used is basic and lacks variety, which affects the overall richness of expression.
- How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and more nuanced terms. Introduce specific vocabulary related to the topic, such as "media scrutiny," "intrusion," or "celebrity privacy," to convey a deeper understanding of the issues.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is imprecise in certain instances. For example, the phrase "press pursued" could be replaced with more accurate terms like "media intrusion" or "tabloid scrutiny." Precise vocabulary ensures a clearer and more sophisticated expression of ideas.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meaning of words and phrases. Instead of using broad terms, opt for precise vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended message. For instance, use "intrusive media coverage" instead of the generic "press pursued."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some spelling errors, such as "that wrong" instead of "that is wrong." While these errors do not severely impede understanding, they contribute to a less polished and professional presentation.
- How to improve: Proofread your essay carefully to catch and correct spelling errors. Additionally, consider using spelling and grammar check tools to enhance accuracy. Regular practice in writing and reviewing written work can contribute to improved spelling skills.
Overall, while the essay presents a reasonable argument, the lexical resource could benefit from a more varied and precise vocabulary. Addressing these aspects will contribute to a more sophisticated and effective expression of ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay primarily relies on simple sentence structures, with limited variation in sentence types. For instance, there is a consistent use of simple declarative sentences throughout the essay. While there are some attempts at complex sentences, they are not executed effectively, leading to a lack of variety and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Introduce phrases and clauses to add depth and complexity to your ideas. For instance, instead of using only straightforward sentences, experiment with compound sentences that connect related ideas or complex sentences that provide more intricate details.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays noticeable grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, there is a lack of subject-verb agreement ("the press pursued," "case of famous people"), inconsistent verb tenses ("You will being pursued," "should not to be cared for"), and incorrect word choices ("if there is just one bad thing about yourself"). Punctuation errors include missing commas after introductory phrases and unnecessary capitalization in the middle of sentences.
- How to improve: Work on mastering basic grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Carefully proofread your writing to catch and correct punctuation errors. Additionally, expand your vocabulary to choose more precise and contextually appropriate words. Consider seeking feedback from others or using grammar-check tools to identify and rectify specific grammatical issues.
Overall, to improve the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy, focus on incorporating a variety of sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical issues through careful proofreading and vocabulary enhancement. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and error-free expression of ideas.
Bài sửa mẫu
In my view, I disagree with the idea that the increasing pursuit of famous individuals by the press constitutes an invasion of their privacy and personal life. They, like everyone else, are human and have the right to keep their private matters undisturbed and undisclosed by others, even the minutest aspects of their lives.
Some individuals argue that those in the public eye should relinquish their privacy. However, I believe that perspective is incorrect. If even a single negative aspect of yourself is revealed, you will be pursued by the media and face public scrutiny that may impact your future.
In essence, I cannot accept the notion that such information should be disclosed, as it represents an invasion of other people’s privacy. Everyone, regardless of their fame, deserves to maintain certain boundaries in their personal lives.