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It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is acknowledged that government spending has a considerable bearing on a country’s socio-economic development, and some people claim that more state funding should be allocated to combating diseases by encouraging a healthy lifestyle, instead of curing ill people. While this notion is reasonable to certain extent, I would opine that illness on people should not be financially neglected by the government
It is understandable why some advocate the idea that governments the world over should pay more financial attention to motivating people to stay healthy. The key rationale behind this is that natural resistance which protects humans from viruses and diseases has deteriorated due to an unhealthy lifestyle; therefore, people are more likely to suffer from serious diseases. For instance, the coronavirus has so far claimed the lives of millions of people around the world, and if more financial prowess from the authorities is channeled into health initiatives and campaigns that stimulate people to keep fit and stay healthy, fewer people would die. On these counts, it seems sensible why public health activities should be financially backed by the government.
Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments supporting that more state funding should be poured into improving public health, I believe that it would be unwise to downplay the significance of illness treatment. This could be reasoned by the fact that congenital disorders and poor living conditions are also the main factors that lead to unwanted diseases. For instance, consider a scenario where individuals in underprivileged communities lack access to essential healthcare resources. In such cases, even with health campaigns, the absence of proper treatment exacerbates their health conditions, highlighting the need for government emphasis on both prevention and cure. This is a powerful testament to how governments worldwide, apart from funding public health campaigns, should also place an equal emphasis on therapy for ill persons.
In conclusion, although promoting a healthy lifestyle being financed more by the government is not without its certain compelling arguments, I would opine that task of offering treatment for one who suffering from illness should be financially taken care of.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "some people claim" -> "some argue"
    Explanation: Replacing "some people claim" with "some argue" maintains formality by using a more precise and academic expression, typical in formal discussions.

  2. "I would opine" -> "I contend"
    Explanation: Substituting "I would opine" with "I contend" enhances the author’s statement by employing a more formal and assertive term.

  3. "It is understandable why some advocate" -> "It is understandable why some argue"
    Explanation: Changing "It is understandable why some advocate" to "It is understandable why some argue" introduces a more precise and neutral term, aligning with formal academic language.

  4. "pay more financial attention" -> "allocate more financial resources"
    Explanation: Replacing "pay more financial attention" with "allocate more financial resources" improves precision and formality, conveying the idea of distributing funds for a specific purpose.

  5. "motivating people to stay healthy" -> "promoting a healthy lifestyle"
    Explanation: Substituting "motivating people to stay healthy" with "promoting a healthy lifestyle" maintains the meaning while using a more formal and widely accepted expression in academic writing.

  6. "natural resistance which protects humans" -> "innate immunity safeguarding humans"
    Explanation: Changing "natural resistance which protects humans" to "innate immunity safeguarding humans" introduces a more sophisticated term, enhancing the academic tone and precision.

  7. "financial prowess" -> "financial resources"
    Explanation: Replacing "financial prowess" with "financial resources" provides a more standard and appropriate term in the context of government funding.

  8. "health initiatives and campaigns that stimulate people" -> "health initiatives and campaigns that encourage individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "health initiatives and campaigns that stimulate people" with "health initiatives and campaigns that encourage individuals" maintains formality and uses a more academic term.

  9. "On these counts" -> "In this context"
    Explanation: Changing "On these counts" to "In this context" results in a more formal transition between points, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

  10. "Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments supporting" -> "Despite the arguments in favor"
    Explanation: Replacing "Notwithstanding the aforementioned arguments supporting" with "Despite the arguments in favor" streamlines the expression while maintaining formality.

  11. "I believe that it would be unwise to downplay" -> "It is unwise to underestimate"
    Explanation: Substituting "I believe that it would be unwise to downplay" with "It is unwise to underestimate" introduces a stronger and more direct phrase, enhancing the author’s position.

  12. "could be reasoned by the fact that" -> "can be attributed to the fact that"
    Explanation: Changing "could be reasoned by the fact that" to "can be attributed to the fact that" introduces a more precise and formal expression, typical in academic writing.

  13. "consider a scenario where individuals" -> "consider a scenario in which individuals"
    Explanation: Substituting "consider a scenario where individuals" with "consider a scenario in which individuals" adheres to formal language conventions and improves the grammatical structure.

  14. "the absence of proper treatment exacerbates" -> "inadequate access to proper treatment exacerbates"
    Explanation: Adding "inadequate access to" before "proper treatment exacerbates" provides a more comprehensive description, improving clarity and formality.

  15. "financially taken care of" -> "financially addressed"
    Explanation: Replacing "financially taken care of" with "financially addressed" offers a more formal and precise term, enhancing the overall academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "It is acknowledged that government spending has a considerable bearing on a country’s socio-economic development, and some people claim that more state funding should be allocated to combating diseases by encouraging a healthy lifestyle, instead of curing ill people."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction provides a general understanding of the topic but lacks a clear statement of the writer’s position. To enhance the essay’s clarity, it’s essential to explicitly state your viewpoint in response to the prompt within the introduction. Consider rephrasing the sentence to clearly indicate your stance on whether promoting a healthy lifestyle should supersede treating illnesses.
    • Improved example: "While it is widely recognized that government spending significantly impacts a country’s socio-economic development, the debate arises concerning the allocation of funds towards preventing diseases by promoting healthy living over the treatment of existing illnesses. I firmly believe that while promoting a healthy lifestyle is crucial, it should not overshadow the necessity of treating those already afflicted."
  2. Quoted text: "On these counts, it seems sensible why public health activities should be financially backed by the government."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This statement supports the importance of government-backed health initiatives but lacks depth in argumentation. It would be beneficial to include specific examples or reasons to solidify the point further. For instance, discussing successful health promotion campaigns or outlining the potential impact of increased funding on preventive healthcare could strengthen your argument.
    • Improved example: "Thus, advocating for substantial government funding in public health initiatives becomes imperative. For instance, allocating funds to nationwide campaigns promoting healthy habits such as regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and stress management not only fosters a healthier populace but also potentially reduces the strain on the healthcare system, ultimately resulting in long-term benefits."
  3. Quoted text: "Although promoting a healthy lifestyle being financed more by the government is not without its certain compelling arguments, I would opine that task of offering treatment for one who suffering from illness should be financially taken care of."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The concluding sentence reiterates the writer’s stance but lacks a clear summarization of the main points discussed in the essay. A concise recap of the key arguments made in support of your position can reinforce the essay’s coherence and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while advocating increased government funding for health promotion holds merit, a balanced approach encompassing disease treatment must not be neglected. By integrating robust preventive measures and ensuring accessible treatment avenues, governments can holistically address public health challenges and foster a healthier society."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the prompt and adequately addresses the argument by presenting supporting ideas. However, further elaboration and more specific examples could enhance the depth and persuasiveness of the writer’s response. Clarifying the stance within the introduction and reinforcing arguments with illustrative examples would bolster the overall coherence and strength of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas, with a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets up the debate and presents a clear thesis statement. Each paragraph follows a central topic, contributing to the overall coherence. The use of cohesive devices is varied and generally appropriate, contributing to the essay’s overall cohesion. There is an evident attempt to balance the discussion between promoting a healthy lifestyle and treating existing illnesses. Paragraphing is generally effective, although there is room for improvement in ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs.

How to Improve:

  1. Transition between Paragraphs: Work on improving the transition between paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. Consider using transition sentences to connect thoughts more explicitly.

  2. Sentence-Level Cohesion: While cohesive devices are used, pay attention to sentence-level cohesion to ensure a seamless connection between ideas within sentences.

  3. Strengthening Conclusion: The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing key points and reinforcing the main argument. This will provide a more impactful closing to the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion but could benefit from refining the organization of ideas for enhanced clarity and fluency.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonably broad range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. The use of language is generally appropriate, and there is an attempt to incorporate less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The essay discusses the importance of both promoting a healthy lifestyle and providing treatment for the ill, showcasing a balance in presenting ideas. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication. Overall, the essay exhibits a good command of vocabulary with some room for improvement.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on refining word choice and collocation. Careful proofreading is advised to address occasional errors in spelling and word formation. Additionally, incorporating a more varied and sophisticated vocabulary, especially in expressing complex ideas, will contribute to a more nuanced and advanced lexical performance. Striving for precision and fluency in language use will further elevate the essay’s overall lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex sentence structures, and the majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to a good level of grammatical range and accuracy. The use of vocabulary is generally appropriate, and the essay maintains coherence and cohesion. There are, however, a few errors and awkward constructions that slightly affect the overall fluency and precision.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay attention to minor errors and awkward phrasings. Additionally, a more precise choice of vocabulary in some instances could elevate the overall language proficiency. Proofreading for grammatical nuances and refining sentence structures will help achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The allocation of government funds significantly impacts a nation’s development, prompting debates on whether resources should prioritize disease prevention through healthy living promotion or focus on treating the already ill. While advocating for encouraging a healthy lifestyle holds merit, I contend that neglecting financial support for the treatment of illness is unwise.

Advocates supporting increased government spending on motivating healthier lifestyles highlight a valid point. The decline in natural immunity due to unhealthy habits heightens vulnerability to diseases. Take the COVID-19 pandemic, which has claimed millions of lives worldwide. Redirecting financial resources into health campaigns promoting fitness and wellness could potentially reduce casualties. Thus, supporting public health initiatives seems a prudent move for governments.

However, despite the compelling arguments favoring increased investment in public health, overlooking the significance of treating illnesses is shortsighted. Congenital conditions and poor living standards contribute significantly to various diseases. Consider underprivileged communities lacking essential healthcare resources. In these cases, despite health awareness campaigns, the absence of proper treatment worsens their health conditions. Therefore, emphasizing both disease prevention and cure becomes imperative for governments.

In conclusion, while advocating for government-backed initiatives promoting a healthy lifestyle holds weight, neglecting the financial support for treating illnesses is not advisable. Balancing resources to address both preventive measures and effective treatments is pivotal in ensuring the overall well-being of the populace.

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