Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or diagree?

It is considered that minimizing income inequality is the key to build a happier society. While equal distribution of wealth can undoubtedly improve social well-being,l disagree with the idea as it is not the main factor for producing happier community.
Proponents of income equality highlight the detrimental effects of vast wealth gaps. Extreme poverty can lead to feelings of hopelessness, social unrest, and a decline in overall well-being.Furthermore, a large gap between rich and poor can erode social cohesion and create a sense of unfairness, hindering societal happiness. Imagine a society where a select few live in luxury while many struggle to afford basic necessities; this fosters resentment and undermines trust. However, focusing solely on income equality presents limitations. Happiness is a complex construct influenced by various factors beyond material wealth. Factors like strong social connections, a sense of purpose, and access to quality healthcare all play significant roles. Simply redistributing wealth without addressing these other aspects might not lead to a substantial increase in overall happiness.
In my opinion a more effective strategy might involve a multi-pronged approach. This could encompass progressive taxation systems that ensure the wealthy contribute a fairer share, along with investments in social programs that promote equality of opportunity. Quality education, affordable healthcare, and accessible childcare can empower individuals to rise above poverty and contribute to their communities, fostering a sense of purpose and social connection. Furthermore, promoting job creation and ensuring a living wage for all are crucial.
Financial security not only reduces stress but also allows individuals to participate more fully in society, leading to greater overall happiness.
In conclusion, I would argue that distributing equal amount of salary is not main key for making people happier as there are other factors that should be solved.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is considered that" -> "It is widely considered that"
Explanation: Adding "widely" clarifies the scope of the consideration, enhancing the formality and specificity of the statement.
"build a happier society" -> "construct a more harmonious society"
Explanation: "Construct" is a more precise verb for building or creating a society, and "more harmonious" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "happier" in this context.
"l disagree" -> "I disagree"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error for grammatical accuracy and formal writing standards.
"not the main factor for producing happier community" -> "not the primary factor in creating a happier community"
Explanation: "Primary" is more precise than "main," and "creating" is more formal than "producing" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.
"Extreme poverty can lead to feelings of hopelessness" -> "Extreme poverty can precipitate feelings of hopelessness"
Explanation: "Precipitate" is a more formal and precise term than "lead to," fitting better in academic discourse.
"a large gap between rich and poor" -> "a significant disparity between the affluent and the disadvantaged"
Explanation: "Significant disparity" and "the affluent and the disadvantaged" are more formal and precise terms than "large gap" and "rich and poor," aligning better with academic style.
"Imagine a society" -> "Consider a scenario"
Explanation: "Consider a scenario" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "Imagine a society," which is too conversational.
"Simply redistributing wealth" -> "Merely redistributing wealth"
Explanation: "Merely" is a more formal synonym for "simply," enhancing the academic tone.
"a more effective strategy might involve" -> "a more effective strategy could involve"
Explanation: "Could" is more academically appropriate than "might" in this context, indicating possibility rather than probability.
"a multi-pronged approach" -> "a multifaceted approach"
Explanation: "Multifaceted" is a more precise and formal term than "multi-pronged," which is somewhat colloquial.
"ensure the wealthy contribute a fairer share" -> "ensure that the affluent contribute a fairer share"
Explanation: "Affluent" is a more precise term than "wealthy" in this context, and "that" is necessary for grammatical correctness.
"accessible childcare" -> "accessible childcare services"
Explanation: Adding "services" clarifies the type of childcare being referred to, enhancing specificity and formality.
"Financial security not only reduces stress" -> "Financial security not only alleviates stress"
Explanation: "Alleviates" is a more formal and precise term than "reduces" in this context, fitting better in academic writing.
"distributing equal amount of salary" -> "distributing an equal amount of salaries"
Explanation: "Amount of salaries" is grammatically correct and more precise than "amount of salary," which is singular and incorrect in this context.
"is not main key for making people happier" -> "is not the primary key to increasing happiness"
Explanation: "Primary key to increasing happiness" is more formal and precise than "main key for making people happier," aligning better with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the viewpoint that income equality can lead to a happier society and the counterargument that it is not the sole factor. The introduction clearly states the writer’s disagreement with the notion that minimizing income differences is the best way to achieve societal happiness. The essay effectively explores the implications of income inequality and presents alternative factors contributing to happiness. However, the response could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement, as the prompt asks for a degree of agreement or disagreement.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position regarding the extent of agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. Including phrases such as "I partially agree" or "I completely disagree" would clarify the stance taken on the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea that income equality is the primary means to achieve happiness. The writer consistently supports this position with logical reasoning and examples, such as the discussion of social cohesion and the importance of other factors like social connections and healthcare. However, the transition between discussing income inequality and the alternative factors could be smoother to reinforce the central argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should ensure that each paragraph transitions logically to the next, reinforcing how each point supports the main argument. Using linking phrases such as "In addition to this" or "Moreover" can help maintain the flow of ideas and strengthen the overall coherence of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several relevant ideas, such as the negative effects of wealth gaps and the importance of social factors in happiness. The writer extends these ideas by providing examples, such as the impact of poverty on social unrest and the need for social programs. However, some points could be further developed; for instance, the discussion on progressive taxation and social programs could include specific examples or data to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more specific examples or evidence for claims made. Incorporating statistics, studies, or real-world examples would add depth to the arguments and make them more persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between income inequality and societal happiness. The writer effectively discusses the implications of wealth distribution and the importance of other factors. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused on the prompt, particularly in the conclusion, which introduces the idea of equal salary distribution without clearly linking it back to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the prompt. In the conclusion, restating the main argument and summarizing how the discussed factors contribute to happiness would reinforce the essay’s relevance to the topic. Additionally, avoiding introducing new concepts in the conclusion can help maintain clarity and focus.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a well-reasoned argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, coherence, and depth of their response, potentially achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that income equality is the sole factor in creating a happier society. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized around distinct points that support the thesis. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the negative impacts of income inequality, while the second paragraph shifts to the complexity of happiness and the importance of other factors. However, the transition between these points could be smoother, as the connection between the detrimental effects of wealth gaps and the subsequent discussion on happiness could be more explicitly stated.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that clearly link ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the negative impacts of wealth gaps, a sentence like "However, it is important to recognize that happiness is influenced by more than just financial status" would provide a clearer transition to the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are distinct, and the body paragraphs are structured around key ideas. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. For instance, the second body paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly states that happiness is influenced by various non-material factors.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences of each paragraph to provide a clear overview of what the paragraph will discuss. This will help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the logical structure of the essay. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, ensuring that each paragraph remains focused on a single point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "however," and "in conclusion," which help to connect ideas and maintain coherence. The use of examples, such as the mention of social programs and job creation, also aids in illustrating points. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For instance, the essay relies heavily on basic conjunctions and transitional phrases, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, consider using "in addition," "conversely," or "on the other hand" to introduce contrasting ideas. Additionally, varying sentence structures can enhance cohesion; for instance, using relative clauses or participial phrases can create more complex sentences that link ideas more fluidly.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on improving transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate the clarity and effectiveness of their argument, potentially achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "income inequality," "social unrest," and "progressive taxation." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "wealth gaps" and "income equality," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. Additionally, the use of phrases like "select few" and "basic necessities" shows some variety, but the overall range could be expanded further.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "income inequality," alternatives like "economic disparity" or "financial inequality" could be used. Additionally, using more sophisticated adjectives and adverbs, such as "significant," "substantial," or "noteworthy," can add depth to the writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "detrimental effects" and "social cohesion," which effectively convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "distributing equal amount of salary," which is awkward and unclear. The phrase "not main key" is also vague and could be articulated more clearly.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in phrasing. For example, "distributing an equal amount of salary" could be revised to "ensuring equal salaries" or "redistributing income." Additionally, using phrases like "not the primary factor" instead of "not main key" would enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. However, the word "diagree" is a misspelling of "disagree," which detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, there are instances where punctuation is missing, such as the lack of a space after commas, which can affect readability.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Furthermore, practicing commonly misspelled words and familiarizing oneself with punctuation rules will contribute to improved spelling and overall writing quality.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise language use, and carefully proofreading for spelling and punctuation, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of conditional phrases such as "If focusing solely on income equality presents limitations" and the incorporation of relative clauses, as seen in "which can erode social cohesion," showcase an understanding of more advanced grammatical forms. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced and developed, which can detract from the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and transition words. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "Furthermore" or "However," alternatives such as "In addition," "Moreover," or "Conversely" could be used. Additionally, varying the length and complexity of sentences can create a more engaging and dynamic writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with most sentences being clear and coherent. However, there are a few grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "to build a happier society" should be "to building a happier society," as the infinitive form is incorrect in this context. Additionally, there are missing commas, such as after "well-being" in the first sentence of the second paragraph, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion. The phrase "I would argue that distributing equal amount of salary is not main key" lacks an article before "main key" and should be corrected to "the main key."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay for common errors, particularly with articles and verb forms. Practicing sentence diagramming can help identify and correct run-on sentences and ensure proper punctuation is used. Additionally, utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can provide insights into persistent errors that may need addressing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely considered that minimizing income inequality is the key to constructing a happier society. While equal distribution of wealth can undoubtedly improve social well-being, I disagree with the idea as it is not the primary factor in creating a happier community.

Proponents of income equality highlight the detrimental effects of vast wealth gaps. Extreme poverty can precipitate feelings of hopelessness, social unrest, and a decline in overall well-being. Furthermore, a significant disparity between the affluent and the disadvantaged can erode social cohesion and create a sense of unfairness, hindering societal happiness. Consider a scenario where a select few live in luxury while many struggle to afford basic necessities; this fosters resentment and undermines trust. However, focusing solely on income equality presents limitations. Happiness is a complex construct influenced by various factors beyond material wealth. Factors like strong social connections, a sense of purpose, and access to quality healthcare all play significant roles. Merely redistributing wealth without addressing these other aspects might not lead to a substantial increase in overall happiness.

In my opinion, a more effective strategy could involve a multifaceted approach. This could encompass progressive taxation systems that ensure the affluent contribute a fairer share, along with investments in social programs that promote equality of opportunity. Quality education, affordable healthcare, and accessible childcare services can empower individuals to rise above poverty and contribute to their communities, fostering a sense of purpose and social connection. Furthermore, promoting job creation and ensuring a living wage for all are crucial.

Financial security not only alleviates stress but also allows individuals to participate more fully in society, leading to greater overall happiness.

In conclusion, I would argue that distributing an equal amount of salaries is not the primary key to increasing happiness, as there are other factors that should be addressed.