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Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

With the advent of digital technology, Many people tend to relevant their personal details in public status for various purpose, such as socializing on social media platforms and banking transactions. While the development offers convenience and flexibility, it also raise significantly privacy and security worth concentration. This essay will discuss both view of this topic.
One of significant advantage of posting the individual information online is convenience and versatile. Technologically advanced applications and features not only allow people keep in touch with friends, family,… despite the destination, isolation, also be an assistant under the support of artificial intelligence to manage the personal data to having full of access with the services such as shopping, garage, parking. For example, In the emergency situation, medical staff can effortlessly use the people data that sharing on social platforms and direction to emergency needed. Furthermore, sharing some details of banking activities in public status are compulsory by Digital online app to verified the legit of sellers. Because of the convenience and the requirements of access full of permission on the individual data from the apps or platforms, Posting user detail on social platform is indispensable.
On the other hand, sharing personal information online can lead to privacy issues and security risks. One aspect concern is the potential of scamming and identity theft. Cypercriminal can easily collect user data that post on your homepage with non-private mode without any securities. Moreover, the collection and analysis of personal data by social media platforms and other online services can lead to targeted advertising and manipulation of consumer behavior
In conclusion, sharing personal information online offers both benefits and drawbacks. It provides convenience and enhances service delivery but also poses significant privacy and security risks. To maximize the positive aspects while minimizing the negative ones, a balanced approach involving user education and robust security measures is essential.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Many people tend to relevant their personal details" -> "Many individuals tend to share their personal details"
    Explanation: "Relevant" is incorrectly used here; the correct verb is "share." The term "individuals" is more formal than "people," which is preferred in academic writing.

  2. "public status" -> "public platforms"
    Explanation: "Public status" is unclear and incorrect. "Public platforms" is the correct term to describe online spaces where individuals share information.

  3. "it also raise significantly privacy and security worth concentration" -> "it also raises significant privacy and security concerns"
    Explanation: "Raise" should be in the singular form "raises" to agree with the singular subject "it." "Worth concentration" is awkward and incorrect; "concerns" is the appropriate term for issues that need attention.

  4. "One of significant advantage" -> "One significant advantage"
    Explanation: "One of significant advantage" is grammatically incorrect. "One significant advantage" is the correct form.

  5. "keep in touch with friends, family,… despite the destination, isolation" -> "maintain contact with friends and family, regardless of geographical distance or isolation"
    Explanation: "Keep in touch" is informal and vague; "maintain contact" is more precise and formal. The phrase "despite the destination, isolation" is awkward and unclear; "regardless of geographical distance or isolation" clarifies the meaning.

  6. "also be an assistant under the support of artificial intelligence" -> "also serve as an assistant with the support of artificial intelligence"
    Explanation: "Be an assistant under the support" is awkward and unclear. "Serve as an assistant with the support" is more direct and formal.

  7. "having full of access with the services" -> "having full access to the services"
    Explanation: "Having full of access" is grammatically incorrect. "Having full access to" is the correct phrase.

  8. "In the emergency situation" -> "in emergency situations"
    Explanation: "In the emergency situation" is grammatically incorrect. "In emergency situations" is the correct form to refer to multiple situations.

  9. "sharing some details of banking activities in public status" -> "sharing some banking details in public platforms"
    Explanation: "Details of banking activities" is redundant; "banking details" is sufficient. "In public status" is unclear; "on public platforms" is more precise.

  10. "are compulsory by Digital online app" -> "are mandatory in digital applications"
    Explanation: "Compulsory by Digital online app" is awkward and unclear. "Mandatory in digital applications" is clearer and more formal.

  11. "the legit of sellers" -> "the legitimacy of sellers"
    Explanation: "The legit" is a contraction and informal; "legitimacy" is the correct term for formal writing.

  12. "Posting user detail on social platform is indispensable" -> "posting user details on social platforms is essential"
    Explanation: "Posting user detail" should be "posting user details" for grammatical correctness. "Indispensable" is correct but "essential" is more commonly used in academic contexts.

  13. "One aspect concern" -> "One aspect of concern"
    Explanation: "One aspect concern" is grammatically incorrect. "One aspect of concern" is the correct phrase structure.

  14. "Cypercriminal" -> "cybercriminal"
    Explanation: "Cypercriminal" is a typographical error; "cybercriminal" is the correct spelling.

  15. "can easily collect user data that post on your homepage with non-private mode" -> "can easily collect user data posted on public profiles without privacy settings"
    Explanation: "That post on your homepage with non-private mode" is awkward and unclear. "Posted on public profiles without privacy settings" is clearer and more formal.

  16. "the collection and analysis of personal data by social media platforms and other online services" -> "the collection and analysis of personal data by social media platforms and other online services"
    Explanation: This is a repetition of the same phrase; it should be removed for clarity and conciseness.

  17. "can lead to targeted advertising and manipulation of consumer behavior" -> "can lead to targeted advertising and manipulation of consumer behavior"
    Explanation: This is a repetition of the same phrase; it should be removed for conciseness and clarity.

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online. It acknowledges the convenience of online interactions and the potential risks associated with privacy and security. However, the discussion could be more evenly balanced. The positive side is presented with more detail than the negative side, which could lead to a perception that the essay is skewed towards a positive view.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that both sides are explored in equal depth. For example, after discussing the convenience of sharing personal information, provide a more detailed analysis of the negative implications, perhaps with specific examples of identity theft or data breaches.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both the benefits and drawbacks of sharing personal information. However, the position could be clearer. Phrases like "this essay will discuss both view of this topic" suggest a neutral stance but do not clearly indicate whether the author leans towards a positive or negative view. The conclusion reiterates the dual nature of the issue but lacks a definitive statement on which side is ultimately favored.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, explicitly state your viewpoint in the introduction and conclusion. For instance, you could state, "While there are undeniable benefits to sharing personal information online, I believe the risks outweigh these advantages." This would provide a clearer framework for your argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the convenience of sharing information and the risks of privacy breaches. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the mention of "medical staff" accessing data in emergencies is a good point but lacks elaboration on how this is beneficial or what the implications are for privacy.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, when discussing the risks of identity theft, you could elaborate on how this occurs and its potential consequences for individuals. This would help to extend and support your ideas more effectively.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of sharing personal information online. However, there are moments where the writing becomes convoluted or strays slightly from the main argument, such as the phrase "assistant under the support of artificial intelligence," which is unclear and distracts from the main point.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the argument. Avoid vague or overly complex phrases that may confuse the reader. Simplifying language and ensuring clarity will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant points, improvements in clarity, balance, and development of ideas will enhance the overall effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a generally logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, the flow of ideas within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph starts with a statement about convenience but quickly shifts to various examples without a clear transition, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. The second body paragraph effectively contrasts the advantages with the disadvantages but lacks a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main point.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after stating the convenience of sharing personal information, a transition such as "However, this convenience comes with significant risks" could better link the ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, separating different ideas into distinct sections. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be more refined. The first paragraph, while addressing the advantages, contains several ideas that could be more effectively grouped. The second paragraph focuses on disadvantages but could benefit from clearer delineation of points, such as separating the discussion of privacy issues from security risks.
    • How to improve: Consider using a more structured approach within paragraphs. For instance, in the first body paragraph, after stating the main advantage, follow with a specific example, then explain its significance. This method will help maintain clarity and coherence within each paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the other hand" and "Moreover," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are awkwardly constructed, which can disrupt the flow. For example, phrases like "the individual information online is convenience and versatile" lack clarity and cohesion.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," and "Conversely." Additionally, ensure that sentences are grammatically correct and clearly convey the intended meaning. Revising awkward phrases for clarity will enhance overall cohesion.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band 7 for coherence and cohesion, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing clearer topic sentences, refining internal paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied terms such as "convenience," "flexibility," "privacy," and "security." However, there are instances where word choice is limited or repetitive, such as using "personal information" multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing. Phrases like "significant advantage" and "technologically advanced applications" show some variety, but overall, the vocabulary lacks depth and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "personal information," alternatives like "private data" or "sensitive information" could be used. Additionally, exploring academic or formal vocabulary related to technology and security could elevate the essay’s language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "relevant their personal details" is awkward and unclear; it should be "reveal" instead of "relevant." The term "worth concentration" is also vague and should be replaced with something more precise, such as "requires attention." Furthermore, "individual information" should be "individual’s information" for grammatical accuracy.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. Reviewing the essay for awkward phrases and replacing them with clearer alternatives is essential. Using a thesaurus to find more accurate words can also help. For instance, instead of "assistant under the support of artificial intelligence," a clearer phrase could be "aiding users through artificial intelligence."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "raise" instead of "raises," "worth" instead of "worthwhile," "Cypercriminal" instead of "cybercriminal," and "verified" instead of "verify." These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse the reader.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling commonly used words in academic writing can build confidence and reduce errors.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument and structure, focusing on expanding vocabulary, improving precision, and correcting spelling will significantly enhance the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("This essay will discuss both view of this topic.") and compound sentences ("While the development offers convenience and flexibility, it also raise significantly privacy and security worth concentration."). However, the overall range is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed. For example, phrases like "the individual information online is convenience and versatile" lack clarity and grammatical correctness.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using complex sentences that combine independent and dependent clauses effectively. For instance, instead of saying "One of significant advantage of posting the individual information online is convenience and versatile," the writer could say, "One significant advantage of posting personal information online is that it offers both convenience and versatility." Additionally, incorporating varied sentence openings and using more transitional phrases can help improve the flow and complexity of the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, "Many people tend to relevant their personal details" should be "Many people tend to reveal their personal details." The phrase "raise significantly privacy and security worth concentration" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; it should be "raises significant concerns regarding privacy and security." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the inconsistent use of commas, detract from the overall readability. For example, "For example, In the emergency situation" should have a lowercase "in," and the comma usage in lists is inconsistent.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and correct word choice. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence construction can be beneficial. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for lists and clauses, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide insights into proper grammatical usage and punctuation.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument, improving the grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance its effectiveness and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

With the advent of digital technology, many individuals tend to share their personal details on public platforms for various purposes, such as socializing on social media and conducting banking transactions. While this development offers convenience and flexibility, it also raises significant privacy and security concerns. This essay will discuss both sides of this topic.

One significant advantage of posting personal information online is the convenience and versatility it provides. Technologically advanced applications and features not only allow people to maintain contact with friends and family, regardless of geographical distance or isolation, but they also serve as an assistant with the support of artificial intelligence to manage personal data and have full access to services such as shopping and parking. For example, in emergency situations, medical staff can effortlessly use the data shared on social platforms to provide necessary assistance. Furthermore, sharing some banking details on public platforms is mandatory in digital applications to verify the legitimacy of sellers. Because of the convenience and the requirements for full access to individual data from apps or platforms, posting user details on social media is essential.

On the other hand, sharing personal information online can lead to privacy issues and security risks. One aspect of concern is the potential for scamming and identity theft. Cybercriminals can easily collect user data posted on public profiles without privacy settings. Moreover, the collection and analysis of personal data by social media platforms and other online services can lead to targeted advertising and manipulation of consumer behavior.

In conclusion, sharing personal information online offers both benefits and drawbacks. It provides convenience and enhances service delivery but also poses significant privacy and security risks. To maximize the positive aspects while minimizing the negative ones, a balanced approach involving user education and robust security measures is essential.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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