More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is claimed that more and more individuals are becoming vulnerable to weight-related deseases. In order to solve this problem, some people recommend the idea of raising fattening foods’ costs. Although this solution seems effective in preventing people from digesting unhealthy foods, I personally disagree with this perspective for several reasons.
First and foremost, due to the fact that there are multifaceted aspects attributing to the complex of overweight, solely increasing the price of fattening foods failed to address the root of the problem. Sedentary lifestyle, lack of knowledge about nutrition, and genetic inheritance are equally significant contributors to the issue. While some maybe deterred by higher prices, others may continue to prioritize taste and immediate gratification over long-term health consideration. In such case, the strategy may not achieve the desired outcome of reducing obesity rate.
Secondly, implementing high prices on fattening food may seriously affect scio-economically disadvantaged individuals. As low-income populations are more vulnerable to obesity due to limited access to healthier food options and fewer opportunities for physical activities. Individuals with lower incomes may find it challenging to afford healthier alternatives and physical activities. Unknown – originated and substandard foods with cheaper costs will continuously opt for less expensive and unhealthy food. As a result, not only obesity that these people can easily get but also other health – related problems such as diabetes, cardiocascular disease or even certain cancers.
In clusion, while the idea of increasing the price of fattening foods to address the issue of obesity has its merits, it is not a foolproof solution. In fact, authorities can organize public awareness campaign on healthy habits including both eating and regular exercies.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"deseases" -> "diseases"
Explanation: Replacing "deseases" with "diseases" corrects the spelling error and uses the appropriate term.
"raising fattening foods’ costs" -> "increasing the prices of high-calorie foods"
Explanation: The suggested change employs a more precise and academic description by replacing the informal "raising fattening foods’ costs" with "increasing the prices of high-calorie foods."
"digesting unhealthy foods" -> "consuming unhealthy foods"
Explanation: The term "digesting" is too technical for this context. "Consuming" is a more suitable and natural word choice.
"I personally disagree with this perspective" -> "I fundamentally disagree with this viewpoint"
Explanation: The use of "perspective" is somewhat informal in an academic context. Replacing it with "viewpoint" and adding "fundamentally" strengthens the statement’s formality.
"attributing to the complex of overweight" -> "contributing to the complexity of obesity"
Explanation: The suggested change offers a clearer and more precise expression of the idea while using formal terminology.
"Sedentary lifestyle" -> "A sedentary lifestyle"
Explanation: Adding "A" before "sedentary lifestyle" makes it more grammatically correct and formal.
"may maybe deterred" -> "may be deterred"
Explanation: Correcting the word "maybe" to "be" ensures proper grammar.
"taste and immediate gratification" -> "taste and immediate satisfaction"
Explanation: "Gratification" is less common and somewhat formal. "Satisfaction" is a more natural choice.
"strategy may not achieve" -> "strategy might not achieve"
Explanation: Replacing "may" with "might" enhances the formal tone and suggests a degree of uncertainty.
"high prices on fattening food" -> "higher prices for high-calorie foods"
Explanation: Using "higher" instead of "high" and specifying "high-calorie foods" provides more clarity and precision.
"scio-economically disadvantaged individuals" -> "socioeconomically disadvantaged individuals"
Explanation: Correcting "scio-economically" to "socioeconomically" ensures the proper spelling of the term.
"physical activities" -> "physical activity"
Explanation: Changing "activities" to "activity" makes the phrase more concise and appropriate in this context.
"Unknown – originated" -> "Unbeknownst to them, foods of unknown origin"
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and informal. Revising it to "Unbeknownst to them, foods of unknown origin" provides a more structured and formal expression.
"health – related problems" -> "health-related issues"
Explanation: The hyphen in "health – related" is unnecessary. "Health-related issues" is a more common and formal term.
"In clusion" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: Correcting the spacing error to "In conclusion" ensures proper formatting.
"regular exercies" -> "regular exercise"
Explanation: Changing "exercies" to "exercise" corrects the spelling error and uses the appropriate term.
Overall, these improvements help enhance the essay’s academic tone and clarity while maintaining a natural language flow.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the problem of increasing obesity and offers a clear stance on the proposed solution of raising the price of fattening foods.
- How to improve: No improvement is needed in this aspect; the essay comprehensively addresses the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. It explicitly states disagreement with the idea of raising the price of fattening foods and consistently supports this stance throughout the essay.
- How to improve: The clarity and consistency in presenting the position are strong, and no specific improvement is necessary in this area.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It provides examples and explanations for why raising the price of fattening foods may not be a complete solution, citing factors like sedentary lifestyles, lack of nutrition knowledge, and genetic factors. Additionally, it discusses the impact on socio-economically disadvantaged individuals.
- How to improve: The essay already does a good job of presenting and supporting ideas. To further improve, the writer could consider adding more statistical data or studies to bolster their arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, addressing the issue of increasing obesity and the proposed solution. However, in the concluding sentence, it briefly mentions public awareness campaigns on healthy habits, which is somewhat off-topic.
- How to improve: To enhance topic relevance, the writer should avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion that are not directly related to the prompt. The essay could have reinforced its main arguments instead.
Overall, this essay demonstrates strong task response skills, with clear and consistent positioning, comprehensive addressing of the prompt, effective idea presentation, and good relevance to the topic. To improve, the writer can focus on providing even more substantial evidence and avoiding introducing new ideas in the conclusion that diverge from the main topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is moderately organized logically. It begins with an introduction that presents the issue and the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs. The first body paragraph discusses the limitations of raising the price of fattening foods as a solution to obesity, while the second body paragraph explores the potential negative impact on socio-economically disadvantaged individuals. Finally, the essay concludes by suggesting an alternative approach. However, within each paragraph, there are instances where ideas could be better connected and transitions improved.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point. Use transitional phrases to link sentences and ideas within paragraphs, helping the reader follow the argument more smoothly. Additionally, consider using a clear and consistent structure for each body paragraph, such as stating the problem, presenting evidence, and offering a concluding sentence.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas. There is an introduction, followed by two body paragraphs and a conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the structure and effectiveness of these paragraphs. In some instances, the ideas within paragraphs could be more clearly organized, and the paragraphs themselves could be more balanced in terms of length and content.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear and unified focus. Start with a topic sentence that introduces the main point of the paragraph. Use supporting evidence and examples to elaborate on the topic, and conclude with a sentence that summarizes the key idea or transitions to the next point. Aim for a balanced distribution of ideas and content within each paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does employ some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "first and foremost," "secondly," and "in conclusion." However, there is limited variety in the types of cohesive devices used. More diverse and precise cohesive devices could be employed to improve the flow and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used in the essay. In addition to transitions like "firstly" and "secondly," consider using pronouns, demonstratives, linking words, and synonyms to create smoother connections between ideas. This will help the essay feel more cohesive and coherent.
Overall, the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. However, there is room for improvement in terms of paragraph organization and the use of a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary with some complex and varied words and phrases used effectively. For example, phrases like "multifaceted aspects," "sedentary lifestyle," "long-term health consideration," "scio-economically disadvantaged individuals," and "public awareness campaign" showcase a good vocabulary range.
- How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary, the writer could incorporate more synonyms and explore nuanced vocabulary choices. Additionally, expanding the use of academic vocabulary and domain-specific terms related to health and nutrition would be beneficial.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "vulnerable to weight-related deseases" should be "vulnerable to weight-related diseases." Similarly, the term "scio-economically disadvantaged" should be "socioeconomically disadvantaged." These minor spelling and precision issues slightly affect the essay’s overall lexical precision.
- How to improve: The writer should pay closer attention to spelling and precision to avoid minor errors. Proofreading and editing for such issues can significantly enhance the clarity and precision of vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is a bit of a concern in this essay. The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "deseases" instead of "diseases," "clusion" instead of "conclusion," "exercies" instead of "exercise," and "cardiocascular" instead of "cardiovascular." These errors detract from the overall lexical quality.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should employ spell-check tools and allocate more time for proofreading before submitting the essay. Practicing spelling through vocabulary drills can also be beneficial.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, with a good range of vocabulary and some precision. However, attention to spelling accuracy and further refinement of vocabulary choices would contribute to a stronger overall lexical score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a decent variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in sentence structure diversity. Some sentences tend to be quite lengthy and may benefit from breaking into smaller, more manageable parts.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more concise and varied sentence types, such as simple sentences or complex sentences with different subordinating clauses. This can improve the overall readability and flow of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are some instances of errors or awkward phrasing. For example, "due to the fact that there are multifaceted aspects attributing to the complex of overweight" could be revised for clarity. Additionally, the sentence "Unknown – originated and substandard foods with cheaper costs will continuously opt for less expensive and unhealthy food" contains a fragmented thought and lacks proper punctuation.
- How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in your writing. Avoid overly complex sentences that might confuse the reader. Proofread carefully to identify and correct any grammatical errors, and ensure that sentences are complete and logically structured. In the mentioned sentence, it could be revised as follows: "Individuals with lower incomes may find it challenging to afford healthier alternatives and engage in physical activities. Consequently, they may continue to opt for less expensive and unhealthy food, leading not only to obesity but also to other health-related problems such as diabetes, cardiovascular diseases, or even certain cancers."
Overall, your essay is well-written and effectively conveys your perspective. Keep working on enhancing sentence structure diversity and fine-tuning grammatical accuracy for even more polished writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
It is claimed that more and more individuals are becoming vulnerable to weight-related diseases. In order to solve this problem, some people recommend the idea of raising the cost of fattening foods. Although this solution seems effective in preventing people from consuming unhealthy foods, I fundamentally disagree with this viewpoint for several reasons.
First and foremost, there are multifaceted factors contributing to the complexity of obesity. A sedentary lifestyle, lack of knowledge about nutrition, and genetic inheritance are equally significant contributors to the issue. While some may be deterred by higher prices, others may continue to prioritize taste and immediate satisfaction over long-term health considerations. In such cases, this strategy might not achieve the desired outcome of reducing the obesity rate.
Secondly, implementing higher prices for high-calorie foods may seriously affect socioeconomically disadvantaged individuals. As low-income populations are more vulnerable to obesity due to limited access to healthier food options and fewer opportunities for physical activity, individuals with lower incomes may find it challenging to afford healthier alternatives and engage in regular exercise. Unbeknownst to them, foods of unknown origin and substandard quality with lower costs will continue to be the more affordable and unhealthy choice. Consequently, not only obesity, but also other health-related issues such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, or even certain cancers, may become prevalent among this group.
In conclusion, while the idea of increasing the prices of high-calorie foods to address the issue of obesity has its merits, it is not a foolproof solution. In fact, authorities can organize public awareness campaigns on healthy habits, including both eating and regular exercise.