ONCE CHILDREN START SCHOOL, THEIR TEACHERS HAVE MORE INFLUENCE ON INTELLECTUAL AND SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE/ DISAGREE

Many people are of the opinion that when attending school, the impact of the teachers on the children’s intelligence as well as their practical knowledge is more significant. Personally, I hold a complete endorsement towards this school of thought due to a number of reasons that are further elaborated in this essay.

On the one hand, it is justifiable to say that it is their teachers that leave impactful imprints on children’s lives. Since the very early days in their lives that infants are old enough to be sent to kindergarten up until high school years, the majority of the time in a day a child is likely to spend with the teachers. In school, teachers are the ones who teach and guide young children through difficulties during the journey of pursuing knowledge, giving them not only academic information but also moral lessons about life. And this happens year after year, day after day, from early in the morning to very late in the afternoon, the students stay at school, being cared for and taught by teachers to consolidate their academic performances. This is the reason why the influence of teachers has on students’ life in almost every aspect, especially in terms of their intelligence development.

On the other hand, I believe parents still remain as the main source of influence to their children even when they have started school. From the first day the child was born, they have been taken care of and nurtured by their parents. Even though they then have to attend school for a significant amount of time in a day, their parents are the ones who really play a crucial role in teaching the child and therefore forming a good citizen for the society. In school, the size of the class is often too big for a teacher to handle and pay attention to every learner personally, plus the school curricula are often mostly focused on academic performance and theories without concentrating on hands-on lessons for children that they can apply in real life. As a result, it is difficult to guarantee a comprehensive development of a child if the process of homeschooling is neglected.

In conclusion, despite the impacts teachers may have on the mental as well as social development when they start going to school, I still believe the role of their parents is more impactful.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Many people are of the opinion" -> "Many individuals hold the view"
Explanation: "Hold the view" is a more formal and precise expression than "are of the opinion," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in an academic context.
"the impact of the teachers on the children’s intelligence as well as their practical knowledge" -> "the impact of teachers on children’s cognitive abilities and practical skills"
Explanation: "Cognitive abilities" and "practical skills" are more specific and academically precise terms than "intelligence" and "practical knowledge," which are somewhat vague and overly broad.
"Personally, I hold a complete endorsement towards this school of thought" -> "I fully endorse this perspective"
Explanation: "I fully endorse this perspective" is more concise and formal than "I hold a complete endorsement towards this school of thought," which is awkwardly phrased and verbose.
"it is justifiable to say" -> "it is reasonable to argue"
Explanation: "It is reasonable to argue" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce a justification or opinion in an essay.
"leave impactful imprints" -> "have a profound impact"
Explanation: "Have a profound impact" is a more natural and precise way to describe the lasting effects of teachers on children’s lives, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "leave impactful imprints."
"the majority of the time in a day a child is likely to spend with the teachers" -> "children typically spend most of their day with teachers"
Explanation: This revision simplifies and clarifies the original sentence, making it more direct and formal.
"the students stay at school, being cared for and taught by teachers to consolidate their academic performances" -> "students remain at school, where they are cared for and instructed by teachers to enhance their academic performance"
Explanation: "Instructed" and "enhance" are more precise and formal than "taught" and "consolidate," and "academic performance" is a more standard term than "academic performances."
"the influence of teachers has on students’ life" -> "the influence of teachers on students’ lives"
Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error from "has" to "on" and changing "life" to "lives" to match the plural subject "students."
"parents still remain as the main source of influence to their children" -> "parents still remain the primary source of influence for their children"
Explanation: "Primary" is more precise than "main," and "for" is the correct preposition to use with "influence" in this context.
"the size of the class is often too big for a teacher to handle" -> "class sizes are often too large for teachers to manage"
Explanation: "Class sizes" is a more formal and precise term than "the size of the class," and "manage" is more appropriate than "handle" in this context.
"the school curricula are often mostly focused on academic performance and theories" -> "school curricula often primarily focus on academic performance and theoretical aspects"
Explanation: "Primarily focus" is more formal and precise than "are often mostly focused," and "theoretical aspects" is a more academic term than "theories."
"it is difficult to guarantee a comprehensive development of a child" -> "it is challenging to ensure comprehensive development in children"
Explanation: "Ensure" is more formal than "guarantee," and "in children" is more appropriate than "of a child" to refer to the general group being discussed.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the influence of teachers and parents on children’s intellectual and social development. The writer presents a clear argument in favor of the idea that teachers have a significant impact, while also acknowledging the role of parents. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides. The initial assertion leans heavily towards the influence of teachers, but the counterargument regarding parental influence is not as thoroughly developed.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both perspectives are equally represented. This could involve providing more specific examples of how teachers influence children’s development, as well as elaborating on the ways parents contribute to this process. Including statistics or studies that support both sides could also strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that supports the influence of teachers, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, there are moments in the body paragraphs where the argument becomes somewhat muddled, especially when discussing parental influence. The phrase "I still believe the role of their parents is more impactful" in the conclusion contradicts the earlier assertion of the teacher’s influence, which may confuse the reader regarding the writer’s ultimate stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently reinforce their main argument throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases that clearly indicate the writer’s stance and by summarizing key points in a way that aligns with the overall argument. Additionally, the conclusion should succinctly restate the main argument without introducing conflicting ideas.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the influence of teachers and parents, but the support for these ideas could be more robust. For instance, while the writer mentions that teachers provide moral lessons and academic guidance, these points could be further elaborated with specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the impact of teachers on children’s development. The discussion about parental influence lacks depth and could benefit from more concrete examples of how parents contribute to their children’s growth.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples and evidence that support their claims. This might include citing studies on teacher effectiveness, sharing personal anecdotes, or referencing educational theories that highlight the importance of teacher-student interactions. Each idea should be clearly linked back to the main argument to ensure coherence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the influence of teachers and parents on children’s development. However, the discussion about the limitations of teachers due to large class sizes and the focus on academic performance, while relevant, diverts attention from the main argument about influence. This could lead to a perception that the writer is straying from the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central question of influence. It may be helpful to briefly acknowledge the limitations of teachers while quickly returning to how these limitations affect their influence compared to parents. This keeps the discussion relevant and aligned with the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, but it would benefit from deeper exploration of both sides, more robust support for ideas, and a consistent position throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the influence of teachers and parents on children’s development. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs are structured to present contrasting viewpoints. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the teachers’ influence to the parents’ influence is somewhat abrupt, which may confuse readers about the logical progression of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate a shift in perspective, such as "Conversely" or "On the other hand." Additionally, summarizing the key points at the end of each paragraph can help reinforce the logical connections between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the influence of teachers, while the second addresses the role of parents. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph more succinctly.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could begin with, "Teachers play a pivotal role in shaping children’s intellectual and social development." This would provide a clearer framework for the reader and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to contrast ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For instance, phrases like "this is the reason why" could be replaced with more varied expressions to maintain reader interest.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In addition," and "Nevertheless." This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion between sentences.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the overall coherence and cohesion of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with phrases like "impactful imprints," "academic information," and "hands-on lessons." However, there are instances where the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive or lacks variation, such as the repeated use of "influence" and "impact." This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "influence," alternatives like "effect," "impact," or "role" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more academic or topic-specific vocabulary related to education and development could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "impactful imprints" could be seen as vague or overly metaphorical, which may confuse readers. Additionally, the term "practical knowledge" is somewhat ambiguous without further clarification on what specific knowledge is being referred to.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to clarify terms and ensure they convey specific meanings. For example, instead of "practical knowledge," the writer could specify "real-world skills" or "applied knowledge." Furthermore, avoiding overly metaphorical language can help maintain clarity and precision in expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with only minor errors. However, there are a few instances where spelling could be improved, such as "intellectual" which is correctly spelled but could be replaced with "cognitive" for variety. The phrase "the majority of the time in a day a child is likely to spend with the teachers" could be more clearly articulated, as it is slightly awkward.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, particularly focusing on commonly used academic vocabulary. Additionally, proofreading the essay for awkward phrasing can help improve clarity and coherence, which indirectly supports better spelling by ensuring that words are used in the correct context.

Overall, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage of terms, and maintaining high spelling accuracy. Engaging with a wider variety of texts and practicing writing with an emphasis on these areas will be beneficial for improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied clauses. For instance, phrases like "the impact of the teachers on the children’s intelligence as well as their practical knowledge is more significant" and "the majority of the time in a day a child is likely to spend with the teachers" show an ability to construct longer, more intricate sentences. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as the frequent use of "teachers are" and "it is justifiable to say that," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could experiment with starting sentences in different ways, using introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly starting with "teachers are," the writer could use phrases like "It is the teachers who…" or "In many cases, teachers play a role in…". Additionally, incorporating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the essay’s structure.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are some awkward phrasings and punctuation issues. For example, the phrase "the majority of the time in a day a child is likely to spend with the teachers" could be clearer with better punctuation or rephrasing for fluidity. Additionally, the sentence "And this happens year after year, day after day, from early in the morning to very late in the afternoon, the students stay at school, being cared for and taught by teachers to consolidate their academic performances" is overly long and could benefit from being broken into shorter sentences for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on sentence clarity and conciseness. Breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones can help avoid run-on sentences and enhance readability. Furthermore, careful proofreading for punctuation errors, such as ensuring proper comma usage, will contribute to a more polished final product. Practicing sentence restructuring and varying sentence lengths can also help in achieving greater grammatical precision.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many individuals hold the view that when attending school, the impact of teachers on children’s intelligence as well as their practical knowledge is more significant. Personally, I fully endorse this perspective due to a number of reasons that are further elaborated in this essay.

On the one hand, it is justifiable to say that it is teachers who leave impactful imprints on children’s lives. From the very early days in their lives, when infants are old enough to be sent to kindergarten, up until high school years, children typically spend most of their day with teachers. In school, teachers are the ones who teach and guide young children through difficulties during the journey of pursuing knowledge, giving them not only academic information but also moral lessons about life. This happens year after year, day after day; from early in the morning to very late in the afternoon, students remain at school, where they are cared for and instructed by teachers to enhance their academic performance. This is the reason why the influence of teachers has a profound impact on students’ lives in almost every aspect, especially in terms of their intellectual development.

On the other hand, I believe parents still remain the primary source of influence for their children, even when they have started school. From the first day a child is born, they are taken care of and nurtured by their parents. Even though children then have to attend school for a significant amount of time each day, their parents play a crucial role in teaching them and therefore forming good citizens for society. In school, class sizes are often too large for teachers to manage and pay attention to every learner personally. Additionally, school curricula often primarily focus on academic performance and theoretical aspects without concentrating on hands-on lessons that children can apply in real life. As a result, it is challenging to ensure comprehensive development in children if the process of homeschooling is neglected.

In conclusion, despite the impact teachers may have on the cognitive and social development of children when they start going to school, I still believe the role of their parents is more significant.