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Please describe your interest in DCN and the themes of this event. What information related to AI, Blockchain, IoT, AR/VR, etc. is most pressing in Southeast Asia and East Asia? Please be as specific as possible. *

Please describe your interest in DCN and the themes of this event. What information related to AI, Blockchain, IoT, AR/VR, etc. is most pressing in Southeast Asia and East Asia? Please be as specific as possible. *

I have known DCN for a long time through Instagram. I find your organization is not only a large community where people from diverse backgrounds across the world have great chances to meet and connect, but also an amazing environment for individuals who are keen on the digital field and have the ambition to learn, explore new things, and amplify their voices to the global network like me. One thing I am really impressed by this organization is that it is a creative and open community so I can freely share my perspectives, find companions and mentors for my initiatives in the future.

To be honest, I really enjoy the themes of this event. Digital transformation is one of the outstanding trends in this world. To me, it is a magical and mystic world which has various things I desire to exploit. In the future, I want to become a pioneer in this field, who would bring nice values, raise ambitions for my peers and the next generations.

To talk about the most concerning issue relating to AI, Blockchain, IoT, or AR/VR, I believe one problem that has sparked widespread concerns in Southeast Asia and East Asia nowadays is the substitution of AI to humans, especially when the proliferation of AI technologies has rapidly increased.

While artificial intelligence (AI) can perform divergent tasks and has immense potential for the improvement of human lives, there are still apprehensions about its unintended risks.

With the outstanding advancement, AI has successfully proved its extraordinary ability in various sectors, such as healthcare, finance, education, etc. AI has the great potential to automate a wide range of works and tasks that have been frequently performed by humans before. However, in the digital era, automation can be a reason that leads to substantial loss of jobs since some types of professionals would be rendered redundant. The novel technology scenario will render some job roles obsolete. Additionally, industries like manufacturing, customer service, and some of agriculture sectors, are particularly vulnerable to job substitution.

This issue also leads to several social potential problems, one of which is the rising level of unemployment, which is one of the most challenging issues in Asia’s labor market. According to a survey by Ipsos Global Advisor, employees in Asians are the most anxious about the influence of AI on products and services in 31 countries surveyed about job displacement. The Asian markets of Thailand (69%), Malaysia (62%), Indonesia (62%), and India (51%) were most concerned about AI replacing their current job. Many people are currently at higher risk of dismissal and socially marginalized. At the societal level, not only individuals, but also families and communities would face income inequality, socio-economic challenges, and considerable upheavals. In conclusion, I believe that the replacement of AI to humans in the future is one of the most pressing issues, which we need to pay more attention to.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "I find your organization is not only a large community" -> "I perceive your organization as not just a sizable community"
    Explanation: Replacing "I find" with "I perceive" and restructuring the sentence improves formality and avoids a casual tone. Additionally, changing "is not only" to "not just" enhances precision and elegance in expression.

  2. "keen on the digital field and have the ambition to learn" -> "passionate about the digital domain and aspire to acquire"
    Explanation: Substituting "keen on" with "passionate about" and replacing "have the ambition to learn" with "aspire to acquire" adds sophistication and precision, contributing to a more formal tone.

  3. "amazing environment for individuals" -> "exceptional environment for individuals"
    Explanation: Replacing "amazing" with "exceptional" elevates the vocabulary and maintains a more formal tone, aligning with academic style.

  4. "it is a creative and open community so I can freely share" -> "it constitutes a creative and inclusive community, allowing me to share freely"
    Explanation: Using "constitutes" instead of "it is" and rephrasing "so I can freely share" to "allowing me to share freely" improves formality and clarity. The revised structure adheres better to academic writing standards.

  5. "I really enjoy the themes of this event" -> "I find the themes of this event particularly engaging"
    Explanation: Replacing "really enjoy" with "find…particularly engaging" enhances the formality of expression, providing a more nuanced and sophisticated description.

  6. "it is a magical and mystic world" -> "it represents a fascinating and enigmatic realm"
    Explanation: Substituting "magical" with "fascinating" and "mystic" with "enigmatic" introduces more sophisticated and precise vocabulary, contributing to a formal tone.

  7. "who would bring nice values" -> "who would contribute valuable insights"
    Explanation: Replacing "bring nice values" with "contribute valuable insights" elevates the language, avoiding a simplistic expression and maintaining academic formality.

  8. "novel technology scenario will render" -> "emerging technological landscape will make"
    Explanation: Changing "novel technology scenario" to "emerging technological landscape" and "render" to "make" provides a more refined and formal description of the situation.

  9. "considerable upheavals" -> "significant disruptions"
    Explanation: Substituting "considerable upheavals" with "significant disruptions" maintains formality while conveying the severity of the potential consequences.

  10. "which we need to pay more attention to" -> "which demands heightened attention"
    Explanation: Replacing "which we need to pay more attention to" with "which demands heightened attention" enhances the formality and precision of the concluding statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. The introduction discusses the writer’s familiarity with DCN, and the body elaborates on their interest in the themes of the event, specifically focusing on AI’s impact on Southeast Asia and East Asia.
    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, consider providing more specific examples of DCN’s impact or events related to AI, Blockchain, IoT, AR/VR that the writer finds intriguing.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing the writer’s interest in digital transformation and their concern about AI replacing human jobs in Southeast Asia and East Asia.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the writer’s stance in the introduction and conclusion, reinforcing the central theme of interest in digital transformation.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas related to the positive aspects of DCN, the writer’s interest in digital transformation, and the concerns about AI replacing jobs. The inclusion of statistics and examples supports the arguments.
    • How to improve: To further extend ideas, consider providing more depth on how DCN contributes to the writer’s learning and exploration in the digital field.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the themes of DCN and the impact of AI in Southeast Asia and East Asia. However, there is a brief mention of the writer’s personal ambition, which could be more tightly connected to the main themes.
    • How to improve: Ensure that all points, including personal ambitions, are directly tied to the central themes of DCN and the impact of AI in the specified regions.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt, effectively addressing all elements. To improve, the writer could provide more specific examples related to DCN’s impact and further connect personal aspirations to the main themes. The essay maintains a clear stance and supports ideas adequately, offering a well-rounded response to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt to organize information logically. The introduction introduces the writer’s connection to DCN and sets the stage for discussing the themes of the event. The essay then progresses to the author’s interest in digital transformation and eventually focuses on the specific concern of AI replacing humans in Southeast Asia and East Asia.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transition between paragraphs. Ensure a seamless flow of ideas by using more explicit transitions, guiding the reader through the essay’s progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphs are generally well-structured, with distinct sections addressing different aspects of the essay prompt. The introduction is separate from the body, and the author delves into specific points related to digital transformation and the impact of AI on employment in separate paragraphs.
    • How to improve: While the paragraphs are distinct, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence structures within each paragraph. Introduce a mix of sentence lengths and structures to maintain reader engagement and improve overall paragraph effectiveness.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Examples include the use of transition words and phrases like "To be honest," "However," and "In conclusion." These contribute to the overall flow of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices. This can include using synonyms, pronouns, and parallel structures to create a smoother transition between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, be cautious not to overuse certain terms; instead, diversify language choices for a richer essay.

Overall, the essay exhibits a satisfactory level of coherence and cohesion. To improve, focus on refining the logical progression of ideas, incorporating varied sentence structures, and diversifying cohesive devices for a more nuanced and engaging presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, incorporating terms related to digital transformation, AI, Blockchain, IoT, and AR/VR. However, there is room for improvement as some terms are repeated, and more diverse vocabulary could enhance the overall richness of expression. For instance, there is a repetition of phrases such as "digital field" and "amplify their voices."
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, consider exploring synonyms for frequently used terms. Introduce more specialized terminology related to digital transformation and emerging technologies. For example, instead of "digital field," you could use terms like "digital landscape" or "technological sphere" to add variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "a magical and mystic world" is somewhat vague and could be replaced with more precise language to convey a clearer meaning. Additionally, the term "pioneer" is used, but it could be strengthened with a more specific descriptor.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision in your language. Instead of "magical and mystic," consider specific aspects of digital transformation that fascinate you. Replace "pioneer" with a term that captures the specific role you aspire to play in the digital transformation, such as "innovator" or "trailblazer."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good, with minimal errors observed. However, there are a few instances where commas are needed for better sentence structure, such as "Digital transformation is one of the outstanding trends in this world" where a comma after "transformation" would enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: Review punctuation rules, particularly the use of commas, to ensure proper sentence structure. Consider revisiting sections of your essay where commas may improve readability and comprehension.

Overall, the essay exhibits a competent use of vocabulary and spelling, but attention to detail in word choice and precision, as well as a more varied vocabulary range, could elevate the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a commendable variety of sentence structures. The writer utilizes simple and complex sentences effectively, incorporating a mix of compound and compound-complex structures. For instance, in the introduction, the writer uses a compound sentence to highlight the dual nature of the organization – "I find your organization is not only a large community…but also an amazing environment." Furthermore, the writer employs complex sentences in the latter part of the essay, such as, "With the outstanding advancement, AI has successfully proved its extraordinary ability…"
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures in the introduction and the conclusion. Additionally, experiment with sentence length to create a more dynamic and engaging flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where articles are omitted, such as in the sentence "Digital transformation is one of the outstanding trends in this world." It should be "Digital transformation is one of the outstanding trends in the world." Additionally, in the sentence, "I want to become a pioneer in this field, who would bring nice values, raise ambitions for my peers and the next generations," the use of ‘nice values’ could be improved by specifying the values. Also, the phrase "raise ambitions for my peers and the next generations" might be more grammatically accurate as "inspire ambitions in my peers and future generations."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to articles (a, an, the) to ensure they are used appropriately. Be specific with descriptive terms like "nice values" to provide a clearer picture. Additionally, refine sentence structures for improved clarity, e.g., "raise ambitions for my peers and the next generations" can be rephrased as "inspire ambitions in my peers and future generations."

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and punctuation. Improvements can be made in refining specific expressions and enhancing the diversity of sentence structures for a more engaging narrative.

Bài sửa mẫu

I’ve been familiar with DCN for quite some time now, primarily through Instagram. What strikes me about your organization is that it’s not just a sizable community; it’s a passionate community with a strong focus on the digital domain. It provides an exceptional environment for individuals, allowing them to connect with people from diverse backgrounds globally. It constitutes a creative and inclusive community where individuals keen on the digital field can learn, explore new things, and amplify their voices on a global scale. The openness of this community enables me to freely share my perspectives, find companions, and connect with mentors for my future initiatives.

The themes of your events are particularly engaging. Digital transformation, in my view, represents a fascinating and enigmatic realm. I am drawn to this field because of its various elements that I aspire to explore. In the future, I aim to become a pioneer in this domain, contributing valuable insights and raising ambitions for my peers and the next generations.

Regarding the most pressing issues related to AI, Blockchain, IoT, or AR/VR in Southeast Asia and East Asia, the substitution of AI for humans has garnered widespread concern. As AI technologies rapidly proliferate, the potential replacement of human roles has become a significant worry.

While AI holds immense potential for improving human lives across sectors like healthcare, finance, and education, concerns about unintended risks persist. The great potential of AI to automate various tasks previously performed by humans raises the specter of substantial job loss in the digital era. Industries such as manufacturing, customer service, and certain agriculture sectors are particularly vulnerable to job substitution.

This issue extends beyond economic implications to social challenges. The rising level of unemployment is a significant concern in Asia’s labor market. According to a survey by Ipsos Global Advisor, employees in Asia are most anxious about AI’s impact on jobs. Countries like Thailand (69%), Malaysia (62%), Indonesia (62%), and India (51%) express high levels of concern about AI replacing their current jobs. This situation puts many individuals at a higher risk of dismissal and social marginalization. At the societal level, families and communities face challenges such as income inequality, socio-economic issues, and considerable upheavals.

In conclusion, the replacement of humans by AI in the future stands out as one of the most pressing issues that demand heightened attention. It is crucial for us to address and navigate the potential disruptions that may arise in our ever-evolving technological landscape.

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