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Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A school of thought holds that music plays the most crucial role in facilitating people to mitigate frustration and worries on a regular basis. While this statement is justifiable to a certain extent, it seems to me that other superior merits of music are still of paramount importance.

It is understandable why some people advocate the idea that putting on music could empower people to improve mental well-being. The key rationale behind this is that the melody of music makes an immense contribution to expressing emotions and creating motivation, especially when they are faced with stress. For instance, students and workers have a tendency to listen to music on their daily commute or after a nerve-racking day to forget about their anxieties. Another striking positive effect of music on the nervous system is that it is likely to evoke emotions and influence mood. Listening to calming or uplifting music could be a case in point, triggering the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin and promoting a more positive emotional state.

I am convinced that other potential benefits of music should be taken into consideration. Initially, music can be a valuable and enjoyable tool for language learning. To be more specific, music often has a distinct rhythm, and singing along to songs can empower learners practice and improve their pronunciation. One study found that language learners found it easier to remember phrases after singing them compared to just speaking normally or even rhythmically. In addition to this, music can create a buffer against external distractions, especially in noisy environments. Non-lyrical and instrumental music give us a very convincing illustration. By providing a consistent auditory background, it may aid individuals in staying focused on their tasks.

In conclusion, although stress alleviation is not without compelling arguments in terms of the upsides of music, I still hold my position that developing language skills and boosting concentration are equally significant benefits of incorporating music into our lives.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "facilitating people to mitigate frustration" -> "helping individuals alleviate frustration"
    Explanation: Replacing "facilitating people to mitigate frustration" with "helping individuals alleviate frustration" maintains formality and clarity, avoiding the informal tone of "facilitating."

  2. "superior merits of music are still of paramount importance" -> "additional benefits of music remain crucial"
    Explanation: Replacing "superior merits of music are still of paramount importance" with "additional benefits of music remain crucial" retains the formal tone while expressing the idea more precisely.

  3. "putting on music could empower people" -> "listening to music can empower individuals"
    Explanation: Changing "putting on music" to "listening to music" enhances the formality of the sentence. Additionally, "empower individuals" is a more sophisticated phrase than "empower people."

  4. "on their daily commute or after a nerve-racking day" -> "during their daily commute or following a stressful day"
    Explanation: The suggested changes provide a more formal and detailed expression, replacing "on their daily commute" with "during their daily commute" and "nerve-racking" with "stressful."

  5. "is likely to evoke emotions and influence mood" -> "can evoke emotions and impact mood"
    Explanation: The replacement maintains formality by using "can" instead of "is likely to" and improves precision by replacing "influence" with "impact."

  6. "calming or uplifting music could be a case in point" -> "calming or uplifting music serves as an example"
    Explanation: The suggested change employs a more formal structure by stating that "calming or uplifting music serves as an example" instead of "could be a case in point."

  7. "initially, music can be a valuable and enjoyable tool" -> "primarily, music serves as a valuable and enjoyable tool"
    Explanation: The replacement with "primarily" adds formality and specificity to the sentence.

  8. "learners practice and improve their pronunciation" -> "learners practice and enhance their pronunciation"
    Explanation: Replacing "improve" with "enhance" adds a nuanced and slightly more sophisticated expression to the sentence.

  9. "found it easier to remember phrases after singing them" -> "reported greater ease in recalling phrases after singing them"
    Explanation: The suggested change incorporates a more formal and precise language, replacing "found it easier" with "reported greater ease in recalling."

  10. "give us a very convincing illustration" -> "provide a compelling illustration"
    Explanation: The replacement with "provide a compelling illustration" maintains formality while expressing the idea more precisely.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the perspective that music helps reduce stress and anxiety while presenting an opposing viewpoint that emphasizes other benefits of music.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could provide a more nuanced exploration of the stress reduction argument, perhaps by considering counterarguments or acknowledging limitations.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating that while stress reduction through music is valid, other benefits are equally important. Examples, such as language learning and concentration, support this stance.
    • How to improve: To further improve clarity, the essay could explicitly outline its stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion, ensuring the reader easily identifies the author’s position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, elaborating on the stress reduction benefits and extending the discussion to include language learning and concentration.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could provide more specific examples of how music aids language learning and concentration, reinforcing the presented ideas.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of music in reducing stress and anxiety and expanding to discuss other benefits.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid unnecessary details or information that does not directly contribute to the central argument. Ensure each paragraph directly relates to the prompt.

Overall Comments:
The essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively discusses the role of music in stress reduction. To improve, the author can refine the thesis statement for better clarity, provide more specific examples, and ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the central argument. Additionally, acknowledging potential counterarguments can add depth to the analysis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. The introduction introduces the topic and the writer’s perspective clearly. Body paragraphs follow a logical order, first discussing stress alleviation through music and then presenting other benefits. Transitions between paragraphs are smooth.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and consider refining the transition between the stress-alleviation argument and the introduction of additional benefits. Provide a brief roadmap at the end of the introduction to guide the reader through the essay’s structure.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: Paragraphs are appropriately structured, each focusing on a specific aspect or benefit of music. The introduction and conclusion are distinct, and the body paragraphs present coherent ideas.
    • How to improve: Maintain this effective paragraphing structure but consider refining topic sentences to more explicitly introduce the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph develops its main point thoroughly, avoiding unnecessary repetition.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("while," "for instance," "in addition"), pronouns for referencing ("this," "it," "these"), and repetition of key terms ("music"). These contribute to overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Continue diversifying cohesive devices for even smoother transitions. Consider incorporating more advanced connectors and emphasizing parallel structures for a higher level of coherence. Additionally, ensure that pronoun references are crystal clear to avoid ambiguity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong level of coherence and cohesion, but minor refinements in transitions and the use of cohesive devices could further enhance the overall structure and flow.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms related to stress alleviation, emotions, motivation, and language learning. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further by incorporating more sophisticated or nuanced terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more advanced synonyms and exploring alternative expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using "stress," explore terms like "anxiety," "tension," or "strain." Additionally, introduce specialized vocabulary related to the essay’s context, such as "neurotransmitters" or "cognitive functions."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "especially when they are faced with stress" could be refined to "particularly during stressful situations" for greater precision.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to context and aim for precision in word choice. Use words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Consider consulting a thesaurus for alternative options to ensure the most accurate and effective expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is mostly accurate, with only minor errors. However, there is a notable misspelling in the phrase "empower learners practice" where "practice" should be preceded by "to."
    • How to improve: Proofread carefully to catch minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to enhance accuracy. Develop a habit of reviewing written work systematically to identify and correct any spelling issues.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in vocabulary usage and spelling, there is potential for improvement in both range and precision. Expanding the vocabulary and refining word choice will contribute to a more sophisticated and nuanced expression of ideas. Additionally, meticulous proofreading will help eliminate minor spelling errors, enhancing overall lexical accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. The use of introductory phrases and clauses adds sophistication to the writing. For example, the essay employs phrases like "A school of thought holds that" and "It is understandable why some people advocate the idea that," showcasing a diverse range of structures that contribute to the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using advanced subordinate clauses or varying sentence lengths. This can add nuance to the essay and elevate the overall complexity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. There is a good grasp of verb agreement, pronoun usage, and sentence construction. For instance, the phrases "it seems to me that" and "listening to calming or uplifting music could be a case in point" are grammatically sound. Punctuation is generally well-handled, with appropriate comma usage and sentence-ending punctuation.
    • How to improve: While the overall accuracy is strong, pay close attention to minor errors, such as subject-verb agreement and article usage. Additionally, ensure consistent use of punctuation marks, particularly commas, to avoid any ambiguity. A careful proofread will help catch and rectify these minor issues, contributing to an even higher level of grammatical accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy, earning a well-deserved band score of 7. To further improve, focus on incorporating more intricate sentence structures and refining minor grammatical details through thorough proofreading.

Bài sửa mẫu

A perspective asserts that music primarily aids individuals in alleviating frustration and worries routinely. While this viewpoint has merit, I believe that there are additional crucial advantages of music that should not be overlooked.

It is understandable why some advocate that listening to music can help individuals alleviate frustration and improve mental well-being. The key rationale behind this is that the melody of music significantly contributes to expressing emotions and creating motivation, especially in times of stress. For instance, individuals, such as students and workers, tend to turn to music during their daily commute or following a stressful day to ease their anxieties. Another noteworthy positive effect of music on the nervous system is its ability to evoke emotions and impact mood. A compelling example is listening to calming or uplifting music, which can trigger the release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin, promoting a more positive emotional state.

Nevertheless, I am convinced that other benefits of music remain crucial. Primarily, music serves as a valuable and enjoyable tool for language learning. More specifically, music often has a distinct rhythm, and singing along to songs can help learners practice and enhance their pronunciation. Research indicates that learners reported greater ease in recalling phrases after singing them compared to speaking normally or rhythmically. Additionally, music can provide a compelling illustration of creating a buffer against external distractions, especially in noisy environments. Non-lyrical and instrumental music, for example, serves as a convincing illustration. By providing a consistent auditory background, it may aid individuals in staying focused on their tasks.

In conclusion, while stress alleviation is a valid argument for the benefits of music, I maintain that developing language skills and boosting concentration are equally significant advantages of incorporating music into our lives.

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