Some believe that more action should be taken to prevent crime, while others feel that crime is being tackled effectively now. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

Some believe that more action should be taken to prevent crime, while others feel that crime is being tackled effectively now.
Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

These days, the issue of crime prevention has sparked significant debate, with some individuals advocating for more proactive actions, while the opponents believe that current measures are sufficient. I will discuss the rationales between two views before presenting why I offer the former.
On the other hand, proponents of heightened crime deterrence measures assert that it is inadequate to address the problems. They argue that harsher punishment is not efficient in the long term as in some specific areas like rural areas or outskirts, the rates of criminals showed no drop after adopting these. Instead, the government should concentrate on helping these communities by offering education and vocational training to reduce the illiterate individuals and indigence, which are known as the roots for unlawful activities. Furthermore, with the existence of high-tech crimes, there should be more innovative and new strategies as the traditional methods are becoming obsolete.
Conversely, despite the aforementioned reasons, there are critics who argue that existing measures are sufficient to deal with crime currently. They highlight statistics of overall decrease in criminal rates, which illustrates the secure and safe communities in some regions such as urban area. It leads to the fact that there is no need for allocating more polices to these places. Moreover, close- circuited television camera( CCTV) has been installed in every corner, which reduced physical abuse and robberies. As people’s behaviors have always been recorded, they will not dare to commit crimes to receive punishment. For example, studies in Australia showed that, as there are more CCTV installed in Canbery, the crime proportions has witness a decrease from 4% to 2% in just one month, and people tend to behave more appropriately.
In my opinion, while acknowledging the thinking that nowadays, unlawful activities are being coped with productively as the reducing rates of crimes in certain regions, I am of the opinion that there should be more actions. Because there are more and more kinds of crimes like cyber crime, we should execute more strategies to adapt to the situation these days.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "These days" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "These days."

2. "proponents of heightened crime deterrence measures" -> "advocates for enhanced crime prevention strategies"
   Explanation: "Advocates for enhanced crime prevention strategies" is more specific and formal, emphasizing the proactive nature of the measures being discussed.

3. "it is inadequate to address the problems" -> "it is insufficient to address the issues"
   Explanation: "Insufficient" is more precise and academically appropriate than "inadequate" in this context, and "issues" is preferred over "problems" for a more formal tone.

4. "harsher punishment is not efficient in the long term" -> "harsher penalties are ineffective in the long term"
   Explanation: "Penalties" is a more specific term than "punishment," and "ineffective" is a more precise term than "not efficient" in this context.

5. "the rates of criminals showed no drop" -> "the rates of criminal activity did not decrease"
   Explanation: "Criminal activity" is a more precise term than "criminals," and "did not decrease" is a clearer and more formal way to express the lack of change.

6. "the government should concentrate on helping these communities" -> "the government should focus on supporting these communities"
   Explanation: "Focus on supporting" is a more formal and precise expression than "concentrate on helping."

7. "illiterate individuals and indigence" -> "illiterate individuals and those experiencing poverty"
   Explanation: "Those experiencing poverty" is a more precise and respectful term than "indigence," which can be seen as outdated and somewhat pejorative.

8. "the traditional methods are becoming obsolete" -> "traditional approaches are becoming outdated"
   Explanation: "Approaches" is a more formal term than "methods," and "outdated" is a more commonly used academic term than "obsolete."

9. "despite the aforementioned reasons" -> "despite these reasons"
   Explanation: "These reasons" is more concise and maintains the formal tone without redundancy.

10. "secure and safe communities" -> "safe and secure communities"
    Explanation: "Safe and secure" is a more natural and commonly used phrase in formal writing.

11. "no need for allocating more polices" -> "no need to allocate additional resources"
    Explanation: "Allocate additional resources" is more precise and formal than "allocate more polices," which is incorrect and unclear.

12. "close- circuited television camera( CCTV)" -> "closed-circuit television cameras (CCTV)"
    Explanation: "Closed-circuit television cameras" is the correct term, and the hyphenation is corrected for grammatical accuracy.

13. "the crime proportions has witness a decrease" -> "crime rates have decreased"
    Explanation: "Crime rates have decreased" is grammatically correct and more formal, replacing the awkward and incorrect "crime proportions has witness a decrease."

14. "people tend to behave more appropriately" -> "individuals tend to behave more appropriately"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is a more formal term than "people" in academic writing.

15. "unlawful activities are being coped with productively" -> "unlawful activities are being effectively addressed"
    Explanation: "Effectively addressed" is a more precise and formal way to describe the management of issues, replacing the awkward and unclear "coped with productively."

16. "more and more kinds of crimes like cyber crime" -> "an increasing variety of crimes, including cybercrime"
    Explanation: "An increasing variety of crimes, including cybercrime" is more formal and avoids the informal "more and more kinds of crimes like."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding crime prevention. The first body paragraph discusses the proponents of increased action, highlighting the inadequacy of current measures and suggesting educational and vocational training as solutions. The second body paragraph presents the opposing view, citing statistics that indicate a decrease in crime rates and the effectiveness of CCTV. However, the essay could be improved by providing a more balanced exploration of both perspectives, as the discussion of the opposing view is somewhat less developed than that of the proponents.
  • How to improve: To enhance the balance, the writer should aim to provide equal depth for both sides. This could involve elaborating more on the effectiveness of current measures and including additional examples or evidence to support the opposing viewpoint.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that favors increased action against crime. The writer states their opinion explicitly in the introduction and reiterates it in the conclusion. However, the transition into the personal opinion section could be smoother, as the phrasing "while acknowledging the thinking that nowadays, unlawful activities are being coped with productively" is somewhat convoluted and may confuse readers about the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should simplify the language when presenting their opinion. A more straightforward statement of their position, such as "Despite some evidence of effective crime prevention, I believe that more proactive measures are necessary," would enhance clarity and consistency.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the need for education and vocational training, the effectiveness of CCTV, and the rise of cybercrime. However, some ideas lack sufficient elaboration. For instance, while the writer mentions high-tech crimes, they do not provide specific examples or strategies that could be implemented to combat these crimes.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to elaborate on key points with more examples or detailed explanations. For instance, discussing specific innovative strategies for tackling cybercrime would provide a more robust support for the argument advocating for increased action.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing crime prevention and the effectiveness of current measures. However, there are moments where the focus slightly shifts, particularly in the second body paragraph where the discussion of CCTV could be more directly tied back to the overall argument about whether current measures are sufficient. The phrase "as there are more CCTV installed in Canbery" contains a typographical error and could be more clearly linked to the argument about crime reduction.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly supports the central argument. Additionally, proofreading for typographical errors and ensuring that all examples are clearly connected to the main thesis will help keep the essay on topic. A clearer connection between the effectiveness of CCTV and the overall argument about crime prevention would enhance coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, but improvements in balance, clarity, elaboration, and focus would elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two opposing views. The first body paragraph discusses the proponents of increased crime prevention measures, while the second addresses the critics who believe current measures are sufficient. This organization allows the reader to follow the argument easily. However, the transition between the two sides could be smoother, as the phrase "On the other hand" is somewhat abrupt and could mislead the reader into thinking it is a direct rebuttal rather than a continuation of the discussion.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that better connect the ideas, such as "On one hand" for the first view and "Conversely" or "In contrast" for the opposing view. Additionally, summarizing the main points at the end of each paragraph could help reinforce the logical progression of the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with clear distinctions between the arguments for increased action and those supporting current measures. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the debate, which aids readability. However, the conclusion paragraph could be more distinct and should summarize the key points discussed rather than introducing new ideas.
  • How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion paragraph not only states your opinion but also briefly recaps the main arguments presented in the body paragraphs. This will reinforce the essay’s overall coherence and provide a clear closure to the discussion.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "furthermore," "conversely," and "moreover," which help link ideas within and between paragraphs. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase “which illustrates the secure and safe communities” lacks a direct connection to the previous sentence, making the flow less coherent.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "as a result," or "for instance." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly relates to the preceding content, enhancing the overall clarity of the argument. For instance, when presenting statistics, explicitly connect them back to the argument being made to strengthen the coherence.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of crime prevention. Terms such as "proactive actions," "deterrence measures," "vocational training," and "high-tech crimes" showcase the writer’s ability to employ varied language. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be expanded further. For example, using synonyms for "crime" or "measures" could enhance the richness of the language.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should consider incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "crime" or "measures," alternatives like "offenses," "criminal activities," "strategies," or "interventions" could be utilized. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises could aid in this expansion.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay includes some precise vocabulary, such as "illiterate individuals" and "indigence," which effectively convey specific ideas. However, there are moments of imprecision, such as "the rates of criminals showed no drop," which could be more clearly stated as "the rate of crime showed no decline." Additionally, phrases like "the existence of high-tech crimes" could be more accurately expressed as "the rise of cybercrime."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity in expressions. Revising sentences for clearer meaning and ensuring that terms accurately reflect the intended message is essential. Practicing paraphrasing and seeking feedback on word choice can also help refine vocabulary usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "close- circuited television camera( CCTV)" should be "closed-circuit television cameras (CCTV)," and "Canbery" should be corrected to "Canberra." Such mistakes can lead to confusion and undermine the writer’s credibility.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help reinforce correct spelling in future writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future IELTS assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "They argue that harsher punishment is not efficient in the long term as in some specific areas like rural areas or outskirts, the rates of criminals showed no drop after adopting these." However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "there should be" and "there are," which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, the use of transitional phrases like "On the other hand" and "Conversely" is effective in guiding the reader through the argument but could be complemented with more varied transitions to enhance coherence.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of starting sentences with "There are," try rephrasing to emphasize the subject or action, such as "Innovative strategies are necessary to combat high-tech crimes." Additionally, using a wider range of transitional phrases can help create a more fluid argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar, but there are several errors that detract from clarity. For instance, "the rates of criminals showed no drop after adopting these" could be more clearly stated as "the rates of criminal activity showed no decrease after these measures were adopted." There are also punctuation issues, such as the incorrect use of "close- circuited television camera( CCTV)" which should be "closed-circuit television cameras (CCTV)." Additionally, the phrase "the crime proportions has witness a decrease" contains subject-verb agreement errors; it should read "the crime proportions have witnessed a decrease."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is important to proofread for common errors, particularly with subject-verb agreement and punctuation. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking peer feedback to identify mistakes. Additionally, practicing writing complex sentences can help solidify understanding of grammatical rules. For example, revising sentences for clarity and correctness before finalizing the essay can significantly improve overall quality.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, the issue of crime prevention has sparked significant debate, with some individuals advocating for more proactive actions, while others believe that current measures are sufficient. I will discuss the rationales behind both views before presenting my own opinion in favor of the former.

On one hand, proponents of enhanced crime prevention strategies assert that existing measures are insufficient to address the problems. They argue that harsher penalties are ineffective in the long term, as in certain areas, such as rural regions or outskirts, the rates of criminal activity did not decrease after these measures were implemented. Instead, the government should focus on supporting these communities by offering education and vocational training to reduce the number of illiterate individuals and those experiencing poverty, which are known to be root causes of unlawful activities. Furthermore, with the rise of high-tech crimes, there should be more innovative strategies, as traditional approaches are becoming outdated.

Conversely, despite these reasons, critics argue that current measures are adequate to tackle crime effectively. They highlight statistics showing an overall decrease in crime rates, which illustrates the presence of safe and secure communities in some regions, such as urban areas. This leads to the conclusion that there is no need to allocate additional resources to these places. Moreover, closed-circuit television cameras (CCTV) have been installed in many locations, which has contributed to a reduction in physical abuse and robberies. As individuals’ behaviors are consistently monitored, they are less likely to commit crimes due to the fear of punishment. For example, studies in Australia have shown that, with the increased installation of CCTV in Canberra, crime rates decreased from 4% to 2% in just one month, and individuals tend to behave more appropriately.

In my opinion, while acknowledging the perspective that unlawful activities are being effectively addressed due to the decreasing crime rates in certain regions, I believe that more action is necessary. With the emergence of an increasing variety of crimes, including cybercrime, we should implement more strategies to adapt to the current situation.