Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or e negative development?

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this case? Do you think this is a positive or e negative development?

In today’s society, using technological devices such as smartphones is becoming increasingly popular in children. There are some important reasons for this trend and I believe that these reasons have both benefits and drawbacks.
There are two main reasons leading to the usage of smartphones in young generations. The first one is that the lack of parental care and guidance because working parents are too busy to take care of their offspring. This means children would be isolation and so that they may spend the vast majority of time to surfing the net in order to killing spare time. Another point that needs to be mentioned is that parents allow their children to use these digital devices to get in touch with them. This gives children the chance to do other purpose such as chatting with friends, playing games. These useless activities would make them to be addicted to not stop using phones.
In my opinion, these factors would have both have positive and negative effects. The major benefit is children are given the opportunity to join online courses or even distance education programmes which helps them developing various skills like teamwork and communication. Therefore, they would be equipped with the necessary skill and knowledge to enter the labor market in the future. However, children could suffer from various problems due to using these devices in the long time, such as autism and bad behaviours. Some children even engage in criminal activities such as illegal drug use or unlawful gambling which may ruin their future.
In conclusion, there are several reasons that teenagers use electronic devices on a daily basic and I would argue that these reasons are both beneficial and detrimental.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s society" -> "In contemporary society"
   Explanation: "Contemporary" is a more precise and formal term than "today’s," which is somewhat colloquial and vague in this context.

2. "using technological devices such as smartphones" -> "utilizing technological devices such as smartphones"
   Explanation: "Utilizing" is more formal and precise than "using," which is somewhat basic and informal for academic writing.

3. "is becoming increasingly popular" -> "is increasingly prevalent"
   Explanation: "Prevalent" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "popular," which can be seen as informal.

4. "There are some important reasons for this trend" -> "Several significant factors contribute to this trend"
   Explanation: "Several significant factors" is more specific and formal than "some important reasons," which is vague and informal.

5. "the lack of parental care and guidance" -> "insufficient parental care and guidance"
   Explanation: "Insufficient" is a more precise term than "the lack of," which is somewhat vague and informal.

6. "working parents are too busy to take care of their offspring" -> "working parents are often too busy to provide adequate care for their children"
   Explanation: "Provide adequate care for their children" is more specific and formal than "take care of their offspring," which is less precise and slightly informal.

7. "would be isolation" -> "become isolated"
   Explanation: "Become isolated" is grammatically correct and more formal than "would be isolation," which is incorrect and informal.

8. "spend the vast majority of time to surfing the net" -> "spend the majority of their time surfing the internet"
   Explanation: "Surfing the internet" is the correct phrase, and "the majority of their time" is grammatically correct compared to "the vast majority of time."

9. "killing spare time" -> "filling their spare time"
   Explanation: "Filling their spare time" is the correct phrase, whereas "killing spare time" is incorrect and informal.

10. "do other purpose" -> "engage in other activities"
    Explanation: "Engage in other activities" is grammatically correct and more formal than "do other purpose," which is incorrect and informal.

11. "These useless activities would make them to be addicted to not stop using phones" -> "These activities can lead to addiction, causing them to ceaselessly use phones"
    Explanation: "Can lead to addiction, causing them to ceaselessly use phones" is clearer and more formal than the original, which is awkwardly phrased and informal.

12. "children are given the opportunity to join online courses" -> "children are afforded the opportunity to participate in online courses"
    Explanation: "Are afforded the opportunity to participate in" is more formal and precise than "are given the opportunity to join."

13. "helps them developing various skills" -> "helps them develop various skills"
    Explanation: "Develop" is the correct verb form in this context, and "various" should be used as an adjective, not a noun.

14. "bad behaviours" -> "undesirable behaviors"
    Explanation: "Undesirable behaviors" is a more formal and precise term than "bad behaviors."

15. "using these devices in the long time" -> "using these devices for extended periods"
    Explanation: "For extended periods" is more formal and precise than "in the long time," which is awkward and informal.

16. "daily basic" -> "daily basis"
    Explanation: "Daily basis" is the correct phrase, whereas "daily basic" is grammatically incorrect and informal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it identifies reasons for children’s smartphone usage and discusses whether this trend is positive or negative. The reasons provided include a lack of parental guidance and the opportunity for social interaction. However, the exploration of these reasons could be more comprehensive. For instance, while the essay mentions parental absence, it could elaborate on how this affects children’s social skills or emotional well-being. The discussion of positive and negative aspects is present but lacks depth in terms of examples and analysis.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each reason is fully developed with specific examples and explanations. For instance, discussing how online courses can lead to skill development in greater detail, or providing statistics or studies that highlight the negative impacts of excessive smartphone use, would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that acknowledges both the positive and negative aspects of smartphone usage among children. However, the phrasing "I believe that these reasons have both benefits and drawbacks" could be more assertive. The conclusion reiterates this balanced view, but the overall stance could be clearer if the writer explicitly stated their opinion on whether the positives outweigh the negatives or vice versa.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and conclusion. Using phrases such as "I believe the negative impacts outweigh the positives" or "the benefits significantly enhance children’s learning" would providea stronger, more definitive stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons for smartphone usage and its effects. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat weak. For instance, the mention of "addiction" and "criminal activities" is serious but lacks supporting details or examples that could illustrate these points more vividly. The positive aspects, such as online courses, are mentioned but not sufficiently explored.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should include specific examples, anecdotes, or data that illustrate their points. For instance, citing a study on the impact of online learning on children’s skills or providing a case study of a child affected by excessive smartphone use would add depth and credibility to the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing smartphone usage among children and its implications. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper. For example, the phrase "useless activities" is vague and could be more specific. Additionally, the mention of "criminal activities" feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument and could be better integrated.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points directly relate to the prompt. Avoid vague terms and instead specify the activities that are problematic. Additionally, integrating all points into a cohesive argument will help maintain relevance throughout the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, depth, and overall effectiveness of their essay, potentially raising their band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing reasons for smartphone usage to the effects could be smoother. The first body paragraph introduces two reasons but lacks a clear connection to the subsequent discussion of positive and negative effects. The ideas are somewhat disjointed, which affects the overall coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that clearly link ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the reasons for smartphone usage, a sentence like "These reasons lead to a variety of consequences, both positive and negative, which I will discuss below" would provide a clearer transition to the next section.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, the first body paragraph could be split into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on the reasons for smartphone usage and the other on the effects of this usage. This would help clarify the main points and improve readability.
  • How to improve: To strengthen paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and is developed fully. For example, the first body paragraph could be divided into one discussing the lack of parental guidance and another discussing the allowance of smartphone use for communication. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "however," and "another point that needs to be mentioned." However, the range is somewhat limited, and the use of cohesive devices is not always effective. For example, phrases like "this means" and "these useless activities" could be more formally expressed to enhance coherence.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "in addition," "furthermore," or "consequently" to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain a formal tone throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments. By focusing on improving logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and expanding the use of cohesive devices, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "technological devices," "parental care," and "distance education programmes." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks sophistication. For instance, phrases like "spend the vast majority of time" and "killing spare time" are common and could be enhanced with more varied expressions.
  • How to improve: To elevate the lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms and more advanced vocabulary. For example, instead of "killing spare time," you might use "pass the time" or "engage in leisure activities." Additionally, using phrases like "digital engagement" or "virtual communication" could enrich the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, "children would be isolation" should be "children would be isolated," which alters the intended meaning. Additionally, "make them to be addicted" is awkward; it should be "make them addicted."
  • How to improve: Focus on ensuring that verbs and nouns agree in form and meaning. Practice using collocations correctly, such as "become addicted" instead of "make them to be addicted." Reading more academic texts can help in understanding how to use vocabulary more precisely.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "basic" instead of "basis," "long time" instead of "long-term," and "unlawful gambling," which is correct but could be more effectively expressed as "illegal gambling" for clarity. These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, engage in regular practice with spelling exercises and utilize tools like spell checkers. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times can help catch errors before submission. Keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words can also be beneficial.

By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its lexical resource score significantly. Aim for greater variety, precision, and accuracy in vocabulary to enhance clarity and sophistication in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "the lack of parental care and guidance" and "children are given the opportunity to join online courses" shows an attempt at complexity. However, many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "children would be isolation" and "make them to be addicted." These issues limit the overall effectiveness of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences with appropriate clauses. For example, instead of saying "This means children would be isolation," a more effective structure could be "This leads to children experiencing isolation, which prompts them to spend excessive time on their devices." Additionally, varying sentence openings and using transitional phrases can help improve the flow and sophistication of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "children would be isolation" should be "children would be isolated," and "to killing spare time" should be "to kill spare time." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas before conjunctions in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. The phrase "These useless activities would make them to be addicted" is incorrect; it should be "make them addicted." Such errors detract from the clarity and professionalism of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and the correct use of infinitives. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on writing can also help. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can provide models for correct grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas and arguments, addressing these specific areas of grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, utilizing technological devices such as smartphones is becoming increasingly prevalent among children. Several significant factors contribute to this trend, and I believe that these reasons have both benefits and drawbacks.

There are two main reasons leading to the usage of smartphones in younger generations. The first is the insufficient parental care and guidance, as working parents are often too busy to provide adequate care for their children. This means children may become isolated and, as a result, spend the vast majority of their time surfing the internet to fill their spare time. Another point that needs to be mentioned is that parents allow their children to use these digital devices to stay in touch with them. This gives children the chance to engage in other activities, such as chatting with friends and playing games. However, these activities can lead to addiction, causing them to ceaselessly use their phones.

In my opinion, these factors have both positive and negative effects. The major benefit is that children are afforded the opportunity to participate in online courses or even distance education programs, which helps them develop various skills like teamwork and communication. Therefore, they would be equipped with the necessary skills and knowledge to enter the labor market in the future. However, children could suffer from various problems due to using these devices for extended periods, such as autism and undesirable behaviors. Some children even engage in criminal activities, such as illegal drug use or unlawful gambling, which may ruin their future.

In conclusion, there are several reasons that teenagers use electronic devices on a daily basis, and I would argue that these reasons are both beneficial and detrimental.