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Some people argue that all experimentation on animals is bad and should be outlawed. However, others believe that important scientific discoveries can be made from animal experiments. Can experimentation on animals be justified? Are there any alternatives?

Some people argue that all experimentation on animals is bad and should be outlawed. However, others believe that important scientific discoveries can be made from animal experiments.
Can experimentation on animals be justified? Are there any alternatives?

In recent years, debates regarding animal experimentation have been intensified, with some people emphasizing its importance for science while others protest this activity due to its inhumanity. In this essay, I will elucidate both views before suggesting an alternative solution for this issue.
On the one hand, it is understandable why experimetation on animals receives widespread disapproval. First and foremost, a substancial number of species has been brutally killed and tortoised for inhuman scientific projects. For instance, in order to test survival ability in difficult conditions, thoudsands of dogs from different breeds were leave to dead without water or food supplies for days. Animal experimentation is not only considered as unethical activity but also severly detroy the available animal resources and the eco-diversity in the world.
On the other hand, despite aforementioned discouragement, animal experiments can be justified and countinue because of their significant impacts on scientific achievements, especially in biology and medicine. For example, experimenting on white mouses’ bodies has brought to scientist plentiful precious discovery, including the invention of vaccine for malaria, rabies,… and other lethal diseases, which have saved a remarkable amount of lives and marked scientific advancement.
At the moment, there is no alternatives that can completely replace animal experiment. Therefore, the most practical measures that should be considered are applying modern techniques, devices and tools in order to cause the least pain to the animals during the experiments.
In short, because experimentation on animals for science development and humanity hold equal importance, finding the balance between them could be seen as the most viable and efficient solution for this issue.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In recent years, debates regarding animal experimentation have been intensified, with some people emphasizing its importance for science while others protest this activity due to its inhumanity."
    -> "In recent years, discussions on animal experimentation have intensified, with some advocating its significance for science, while others vehemently oppose it due to its perceived inhumanity."
    Explanation: Replacing "debates" with "discussions" and restructuring the sentence enhances formality. Additionally, "emphasizing its importance" is more precise than just "emphasizing."

  2. "On the one hand, it is understandable why experimetation on animals receives widespread disapproval."
    -> "On one hand, it is evident why experimentation on animals faces widespread disapproval."
    Explanation: Simplifying "On the one hand" to "On one hand" and using "faces" instead of "receives" maintains formality. Also, "it is understandable" is replaced with "it is evident," providing a more objective tone.

  3. "First and foremost, a substancial number of species has been brutally killed and tortoised for inhuman scientific projects."
    -> "First and foremost, a substantial number of species have been brutally killed and subjected to inhumane scientific experiments."
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement by changing "has" to "have" and replacing "tortoised for" with "subjected to" improves the accuracy and formality of the sentence.

  4. "For instance, in order to test survival ability in difficult conditions, thoudsands of dogs from different breeds were leave to dead without water or food supplies for days."
    -> "For instance, to assess survival abilities in challenging conditions, thousands of dogs from different breeds were left to perish without water or food supplies for days."
    Explanation: Correcting the sentence structure, replacing "test" with "assess," and using "left to perish" instead of "leave to dead" improve precision and formality.

  5. "Animal experimentation is not only considered as unethical activity but also severly detroy the available animal resources and the eco-diversity in the world."
    -> "Animal experimentation is not only considered an unethical activity but also severely damages available animal resources and biodiversity worldwide."
    Explanation: Simplifying "considered as" to "considered," changing "severly detroy" to "severely damages," and rephrasing the latter part of the sentence enhance clarity and formality.

  6. "On the other hand, despite aforementioned discouragement, animal experiments can be justified and countinue because of their significant impacts on scientific achievements, especially in biology and medicine."
    -> "On the other hand, notwithstanding the aforementioned criticisms, animal experiments can be justified and continue due to their significant impacts on scientific advancements, especially in biology and medicine."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality by replacing "despite" with "notwithstanding," changing "countinue" to "continue," and using "advancements" instead of "achievements" contribute to a more academic tone.

  7. "For example, experimenting on white mouses’ bodies has brought to scientist plentiful precious discovery, including the invention of vaccine for malaria, rabies,… and other lethal diseases, which have saved a remarkable amount of lives and marked scientific advancement."
    -> "For example, experimenting on the bodies of white mice has led to numerous valuable discoveries for scientists, including the development of vaccines for diseases such as malaria and rabies, saving a substantial number of lives and advancing scientific knowledge."
    Explanation: Correcting the plural of "mouses" to "mice," restructuring the sentence for clarity, and specifying diseases contribute to a more precise and formal expression.

  8. "At the moment, there is no alternatives that can completely replace animal experiment."
    -> "At the moment, there are no alternatives that can completely replace animal experimentation."
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement by changing "is" to "are" and replacing "animal experiment" with "animal experimentation" improves accuracy and formality.

  9. "Therefore, the most practical measures that should be considered are applying modern techniques, devices and tools in order to cause the least pain to the animals during the experiments."
    -> "Therefore, the most practical measures to be considered involve the application of modern techniques, devices, and tools to minimize the pain inflicted on animals during experiments."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity, using "to be considered" for formality, and specifying "minimize the pain" enhance the academic tone.

  10. "In short, because experimentation on animals for science development and humanity hold equal importance, finding the balance between them could be seen as the most viable and efficient solution for this issue."
    -> "In conclusion, given the equal importance of animal experimentation for scientific progress and humanity, achieving a balance between these aspects could be considered the most viable and efficient solution to this issue."
    Explanation: Replacing "In short" with "In conclusion" for formality, rephrasing for clarity, and specifying "achieving a balance" contribute to a more academic expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument regarding animal experimentation, presenting the viewpoints that emphasize its importance for scientific progress and those that condemn it for ethical reasons. The inclusion of an alternative solution shows an attempt to cover all aspects of the prompt.
    • How to improve: To enhance the comprehensiveness of the response, the essay could provide more specific examples or evidence supporting both perspectives. Additionally, ensuring that the alternative solution is more clearly articulated and developed would strengthen the essay’s overall response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a balanced view, acknowledging both the negative and positive aspects of animal experimentation. However, there are instances where the stance is not consistently clear, such as when discussing the detriments of animal experimentation. Clarity could be improved by clearly stating the position on each aspect and maintaining that stance consistently.
    • How to improve: Clearly express the author’s position on animal experimentation and consistently align arguments with this stance throughout the essay. This will help in providing a more coherent and persuasive response.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with a mix of general statements and specific examples. For instance, it mentions the invention of vaccines for malaria and rabies but lacks detailed elaboration on the scientific process or the specific impact of these discoveries. Providing more depth and specificity in supporting examples would enhance the overall development of ideas.
    • How to improve: Elaborate further on examples, providing specific details about scientific breakthroughs resulting from animal experiments. This will add depth and credibility to the arguments, making the essay more persuasive.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the central issue of animal experimentation and its justifiability. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, such as the brief mention of the destruction of animal resources and eco-diversity, which is somewhat tangential to the main discussion.
    • How to improve: Ensure that all points made directly contribute to the central argument. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that may divert attention from the main topic. Instead, focus on providing more in-depth analysis and support for the core arguments.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents a balanced view, improvements in clarity, specificity of examples, and staying focused on the main topic can contribute to a more effective and cohesive response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically. It follows the conventional introduction-body-conclusion structure, presenting both sides of the argument before offering a suggested solution. However, there are instances where the sequencing of ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the drawbacks of animal experimentation to its benefits is abrupt. A smoother transition would enhance the logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider introducing a transitional sentence that signals the shift from discussing drawbacks to benefits. This can help readers follow the progression of your argument more smoothly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different aspects of the argument, but the structure within paragraphs can be improved. For example, the first paragraph could be split into two to separate the discussion of the opposing views. Additionally, the third paragraph, addressing alternatives, might benefit from further elaboration to create a more balanced structure.
    • How to improve: Break down longer paragraphs to isolate distinct ideas, and consider expanding on the section about alternatives to provide a more comprehensive discussion. This will contribute to a more balanced and effective use of paragraphs.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in short"), but their usage is limited. A more extensive and varied use of cohesive devices would improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, there’s a need for more explicit connections between sentences and ideas for smoother transitions.
    • How to improve: Integrate a wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases. Explicitly show the relationship between sentences and ideas to create a seamless flow. For example, use words like "however," "consequently," or "moreover" to enhance coherence and guide the reader through the essay more effectively.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While it includes words appropriate for the topic, there is room for improvement. For example, the repeated use of the term "experimentation on animals" could be diversified. Additionally, some word choices, such as "thoudsands," are spelling errors that impact clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "experimentation on animals," you might employ terms like "animal testing" or "vivisection." Proofread your essay to catch spelling errors and ensure accurate word usage.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses imprecise vocabulary, leading to unclear expressions. For instance, the phrase "leave to dead" is grammatically incorrect and lacks precision. Additionally, the term "detroy" appears to be a typographical error, affecting the clarity of your message.
    • How to improve: Focus on precise language to convey your ideas accurately. Replace unclear or incorrect terms with more specific and accurate ones. In this case, consider revising the phrase to "left to die" and correcting "detroy" to "destroy" for improved clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "thoudsands" instead of "thousands" and "detroy" instead of "destroy." These errors, while not pervasive, can impact the reader’s perception of your language proficiency.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, carefully proofread your essay before submission. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools to identify and correct errors. Additionally, consider practicing with a focus on commonly misspelled words to further improve your spelling skills.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, but refining your word choices for precision and addressing spelling errors will contribute to a more polished and effective expression of your ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is limited use of complex structures. For instance, the essay tends to rely on simple sentence structures like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," without incorporating more advanced constructions. There is a lack of variety in sentence length and complexity, impacting the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence types such as compound-complex sentences, parallel structures, and varied sentence beginnings. Use a mix of short and long sentences to create a more engaging and nuanced writing style. Additionally, explore the use of introductory phrases and clauses to add depth to your sentences.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect the overall accuracy. For instance, there are spelling errors like "experimetation" instead of "experimentation," and grammar mistakes such as "leave to dead" instead of "left to die." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and word choice, impacting the clarity and precision of the language. Punctuation, including the use of commas and ellipses, is inconsistent and could be refined for better readability.
    • How to improve: Careful proofreading is essential to catch and correct spelling and grammatical errors. Consider using grammar-checking tools to identify and rectify mistakes. Focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and appropriate word choices. Pay attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding the correct use of commas and ellipses. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify areas where punctuation could enhance clarity.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical range and accuracy, improvements in sentence structure variety and meticulous proofreading are necessary to elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, discussions surrounding animal experimentation have intensified, with some advocating its significance for science, while others vehemently oppose it due to its perceived inhumanity. On one hand, it is evident why experimentation on animals faces widespread disapproval. First and foremost, a substantial number of species have been brutally killed and subjected to inhumane scientific experiments. For instance, to assess survival abilities in challenging conditions, thousands of dogs from different breeds were left to perish without water or food supplies for days. Animal experimentation is not only considered an unethical activity but also severely damages available animal resources and biodiversity worldwide.

On the other hand, notwithstanding the aforementioned criticisms, animal experiments can be justified and continue due to their significant impacts on scientific advancements, especially in biology and medicine. For example, experimenting on the bodies of white mice has led to numerous valuable discoveries for scientists, including the development of vaccines for diseases such as malaria and rabies, saving a substantial number of lives and advancing scientific knowledge. At the moment, there are no alternatives that can completely replace animal experimentation. Therefore, the most practical measures to be considered involve the application of modern techniques, devices, and tools to minimize the pain inflicted on animals during experiments.

In conclusion, given the equal importance of animal experimentation for scientific progress and humanity, achieving a balance between these aspects could be considered the most viable and efficient solution to this issue.

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