Some people believe that it is important for children to attend extra classes outside school, while others believe that they should be allowed to play after school. Discuss both sides and then give your own opinion.

In recent years, there has been a growing discussion about children should participate in extra classes outside of school and be given freedom to play after school. In this essay, I will look at both sides and explain my all view.
On one hand, many people feel that extra classes place unnecessary pressure. They argue that the school day is already long and children might feel stressed if they have to study even more after school. Playing outside gives them a chance to relax, have fun and be with friends, which helps them grow socially and physically. Supporters of this view believe that play is a natural way for children to learn and explore the world.
On the other hand, there are those who believe that extra classes give children an advantage especially in a competitive world. Extra classes help them review what they learned in school and understand difficult topics better. This is especially helpful in subjects like math, science and so on, where students may need more practice. Parents who value academic success say these classes as a way to help their children do better in school and in future exams.
In my opinion, extra classes are important for children's learning. They offer more time for students to focus on subjects they find hard and to develop study habits that will help them in the future. While it is true that too much studying can be tiring, a balanced schedule with both study and play can give children the best of both worlds. This way, they can enjoy their free time and still improve in their studies.
In conclusion, although playtime is essential, extra classes can give children a strong academic foundation when balanced with time for relaxation, these classes can help children succeed in school and prepare for a bright future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"children should participate" -> "children should engage in"
Explanation: "Engage in" is a more formal and precise term than "participate," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"be given freedom to play" -> "be afforded the freedom to play"
Explanation: "Be afforded the freedom to" is a more formal expression that enhances the academic tone by implying a deliberate act of granting freedom, which is more precise than the simpler "be given freedom."
"I will look at both sides and explain my all view." -> "I will examine both perspectives and articulate my comprehensive view."
Explanation: "Examine" and "articulate" are more formal and precise than "look at" and "explain," respectively. "Comprehensive view" is a more academic term than "my all view," which is awkward and unclear.
"many people feel that extra classes place unnecessary pressure" -> "many individuals believe that additional classes impose undue pressure"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "impose" is a more precise verb than "place" in this context, which relates to the application of pressure.
"Playing outside gives them a chance to relax, have fun and be with friends" -> "Engaging in outdoor activities provides them with opportunities to relax, have fun, and socialize with peers"
Explanation: "Engaging in outdoor activities" is more specific and formal than "playing outside," and "socialize with peers" is more precise than "be with friends," which is too casual for academic writing.
"which helps them grow socially and physically" -> "which fosters their social and physical development"
Explanation: "Fosters" is a more formal verb than "helps," and "social and physical development" is a more precise and academic phrase than "socially and physically."
"there are those who believe" -> "some argue"
Explanation: "Some argue" is a more concise and formal way to introduce opposing viewpoints in academic writing.
"Extra classes help them review what they learned in school and understand difficult topics better" -> "Additional classes enable them to review school material and deepen their understanding of challenging subjects"
Explanation: "Enable" is more formal than "help," and "school material" and "challenging subjects" are more precise and formal than "what they learned in school" and "difficult topics."
"so on, where students may need more practice" -> "such as mathematics and science, where students often require additional practice"
Explanation: "Such as mathematics and science" is more specific and formal than "so on," and "often require additional practice" is more precise than "may need more practice."
"say these classes as a way to help" -> "view these classes as a means to assist"
Explanation: "View these classes as a means to assist" is more formal and precise than "say these classes as a way to help," which is informal and vague.
"In my opinion, extra classes are important for children’s learning" -> "In my opinion, supplementary classes are crucial for children’s educational development"
Explanation: "Supplementary classes" is more specific than "extra classes," and "crucial for children’s educational development" is more formal and comprehensive than "important for children’s learning."
"too much studying can be tiring" -> "excessive studying can be exhausting"
Explanation: "Excessive studying" is a more precise term than "too much studying," and "exhausting" is a more formal synonym for "tiring."
"a balanced schedule with both study and play" -> "a balanced schedule that incorporates both academic and recreational activities"
Explanation: "Incorporates both academic and recreational activities" is more formal and specific than "study and play," which is too casual for academic writing.
"give children the best of both worlds" -> "offer children the optimal combination of academic and recreational pursuits"
Explanation: "Offer children the optimal combination of academic and recreational pursuits" is a more formal and precise expression than "give children the best of both worlds," which is an idiom.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the importance of extra classes versus playtime for children. The first body paragraph discusses the viewpoint that extra classes can create unnecessary pressure, while the second body paragraph presents the argument in favor of extra classes as beneficial for academic success. However, the essay could have more explicitly stated the contrasting views in the introduction and conclusion to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should ensure that both sides are presented with equal depth and clarity. Additionally, explicitly stating the contrasting views in the introduction and summarizing them in the conclusion would provide a clearer structure and reinforce the discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer presents a clear position in favor of extra classes in their opinion, stating that they are important for children’s learning. However, the phrase "while it is true that too much studying can be tiring" introduces some ambiguity, as it suggests a recognition of the opposing viewpoint without fully integrating it into the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should more firmly assert their opinion throughout the essay. This could involve acknowledging the opposing viewpoint while emphasizing the benefits of extra classes more strongly, ensuring that the reader understands the writer’s stance without confusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of play for social and physical development and the advantages of extra classes for academic success. However, the support for these ideas could be more robust. For instance, the mention of "subjects like math, science and so on" lacks specific examples or evidence, which weakens the argument.
- How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should include specific examples or statistics to support their claims. For instance, citing studies that show the benefits of play for development or providing examples of how extra classes have helped students succeed could strengthen the arguments significantly.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the importance of extra classes and playtime for children. However, the phrase "these classes can help children succeed in school and prepare for a bright future" in the conclusion could be seen as slightly vague and not entirely focused on the prompt, which asks for a discussion of both sides.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that all statements directly relate back to the prompt. The conclusion should succinctly summarize the discussion of both sides while reinforcing the writer’s opinion, avoiding any generalizations that could detract from the main argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a balanced discussion, enhancing clarity, depth of support, and focus on the prompt will help elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, discussing both sides of the argument before providing the writer’s opinion. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and each paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint. However, the transition between the discussion of the two sides could be smoother. For instance, the shift from the first paragraph to the second could benefit from a clearer linking sentence that indicates the transition from one perspective to the other.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "Conversely," or "In contrast," to clearly delineate the shift from one argument to another. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will help guide the reader through the essay more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct viewpoint. The introduction and conclusion are also clearly defined. However, the conclusion could be more impactful if it succinctly restated the main arguments before presenting the final opinion. The current conclusion feels somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a stronger summary of the discussion.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that summarizes its content. In the conclusion, consider briefly summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs before stating your opinion. This will reinforce the arguments presented and provide a more cohesive ending.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the contrasting viewpoints. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For instance, the use of conjunctions and linking words is somewhat repetitive, and the essay could benefit from more varied expressions to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In addition," and "Nevertheless." This will not only improve the flow of ideas but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on improving transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "extra classes," "unnecessary pressure," "socially and physically," and "academic success." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "extra classes" and "children." This limits the overall lexical variety and richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "extra classes," you could use "supplementary lessons," "enrichment programs," or "after-school tutoring." Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and adverbs can help create a more engaging narrative.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its message, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "children might feel stressed if they have to study even more after school" could be more accurately expressed as "children may experience increased stress levels due to additional academic demands." The phrase "say these classes as a way" is also unclear and should be revised for clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. Review phrases for clarity and precision. For instance, instead of "say these classes as a way," you could say "view these classes as a means to." Additionally, consider using more specific terms related to education and development to enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "my all view" (which should be "my own view") and "math, science and so on" (which could be more formally expressed as "mathematics, science, and other subjects"). These errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can enhance overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents both sides of the argument effectively, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise language use, and focusing on spelling, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "On one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduces contrasting viewpoints. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, such as starting multiple sentences with "They argue that" or "Supporters of this view believe that," which can limit the overall variety. The phrase "In my opinion" is also used predictably.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using different introductory phrases and varying the sentence lengths. For example, instead of repeating "Supporters of this view believe that," you could rephrase it to "Proponents argue that…" or "Advocates of play contend that…". Additionally, incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses could add depth, such as "While some argue that extra classes are beneficial, others maintain that play is equally important for development."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "there has been a growing discussion about children should participate" should be corrected to "about whether children should participate." Additionally, the sentence "Parents who value academic success say these classes as a way to help their children do better" is missing a verb and should read "see these classes as a way to help their children do better." Punctuation is mostly correct, but the final sentence in the conclusion is a run-on and could benefit from clearer separation of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that all sentences are complete. Regular practice with sentence correction exercises can help identify common errors. For punctuation, pay attention to sentence boundaries; consider breaking up longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones. For example, the conclusion could be revised to: "In conclusion, although playtime is essential, extra classes can provide a strong academic foundation. When balanced with relaxation time, these classes can help children succeed in school and prepare for a bright future."

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been a growing discussion about whether children should engage in extra classes outside of school or be afforded the freedom to play after school. In this essay, I will examine both perspectives and articulate my comprehensive view.

On one hand, many individuals believe that additional classes impose undue pressure on children. They argue that the school day is already long, and children might feel stressed if they have to study even more after school. Engaging in outdoor activities provides them with opportunities to relax, have fun, and socialize with peers, which fosters their social and physical development. Supporters of this view contend that play is a natural way for children to learn and explore the world around them.

On the other hand, some argue that extra classes give children an advantage, especially in a competitive world. Additional classes enable them to review school material and deepen their understanding of challenging subjects. This is particularly beneficial in areas such as mathematics and science, where students often require additional practice. Parents who value academic success view these classes as a means to assist their children in performing better in school and achieving success in future exams.

In my opinion, supplementary classes are crucial for children’s educational development. They offer more time for students to focus on subjects they find difficult and help them develop study habits that will benefit them in the long run. While it is true that excessive studying can be exhausting, a balanced schedule that incorporates both academic and recreational activities can offer children the optimal combination of academic and recreational pursuits. This way, they can enjoy their free time while still making progress in their studies.

In conclusion, although playtime is essential, extra classes can provide children with a strong academic foundation. When balanced with time for relaxation, these classes can help children succeed in school and prepare for a bright future.