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Some people believe that the best way to maintain health is to play sports. Do you agree or disagree with this view?

Some people believe that the best way to maintain health is to play sports.
Do you agree or disagree with this view?

It is argued by some people that doing sports is the most effective method for people to stay healthy. From my perspective, while there may be several benefits of playing sports, it is not the best way for everyone.

To begin with, playing sports is undoubtedly beneficial in many ways. First, it gives people opportunity to relax and socialise with others, helping them release stress. This, in turn, can significantly improve mental health, lowering the risk of mental problems such as depression or anxiety. In addition, engaging in sports such as soccer, volleyball, or basketball contributes to improving people’s agility, flexibility, strength, and endurance, which boosts the immune system and reduces vulnerability to illnesses. Thus, it is justifiable to assert that doing sports has a positive impact on not only our mental health but also our physical well-being.

Nevertheless, while sports are believed to bring great benefits to health, they can be counterproductive in some situations. This is because not everyone can play sports, especially physically disadvantaged ones. For example, those with cardiovascular problems can have a heart attack because of excessive physical exertion, posing an acute threat to their lives. Sometimes, participating in a competitive sports game during free time may cause people to feel even more stressed/pressured as they might have to stay highly focused or sometimes have conflicts with other sports players. To tackle these potential problems, those wishing to maintain good health can rely on other less physically challenging choices to get more exercise, including making small changes to their lifestyle. For instance, they can do household chores, walk to school or to work, or do some light workouts from the internet.

In conclusion, I believe although sports are good in some ways, they are not suitable for everyone. Therefore, people should be cautious about playing sports and consider alternative approaches to getting more exercise.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "It is argued by some people" -> "It is contended by some individuals"
    Explanation: "Contended" is a more precise and formal term than "argued," and "individuals" is more appropriate in academic writing than "people" to maintain a formal tone.

  2. "doing sports" -> "engaging in sports"
    Explanation: "Engaging in sports" is a more formal and precise phrase than "doing sports," which sounds somewhat informal and vague.

  3. "it is not the best way for everyone" -> "it may not be the optimal approach for all"
    Explanation: "Optimal approach" is more specific and academically formal than "best way," and "all" is preferred over "everyone" in formal writing to avoid colloquialism.

  4. "gives people opportunity" -> "offers individuals opportunities"
    Explanation: "Offers individuals opportunities" is more formal and precise than "gives people opportunity," aligning better with academic style.

  5. "helping them release stress" -> "aiding in stress relief"
    Explanation: "Aiding in stress relief" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea, avoiding the colloquial "helping them release stress."

  6. "lowering the risk of mental problems" -> "reducing the likelihood of mental health issues"
    Explanation: "Reducing the likelihood of mental health issues" is more specific and formal than "lowering the risk of mental problems."

  7. "engaging in sports such as soccer, volleyball, or basketball" -> "participating in sports such as soccer, volleyball, or basketball"
    Explanation: "Participating in" is a more formal synonym for "engaging in," enhancing the academic tone.

  8. "boosts the immune system" -> "enhances immune function"
    Explanation: "Enhances immune function" is a more precise and scientifically accurate term than "boosts the immune system."

  9. "not everyone can play sports" -> "not all individuals can participate in sports"
    Explanation: "Not all individuals can participate in sports" is more formal and inclusive than "not everyone can play sports."

  10. "physically disadvantaged ones" -> "those with physical disabilities"
    Explanation: "Those with physical disabilities" is a more precise and respectful term than "physically disadvantaged ones," which can be seen as somewhat vague and informal.

  11. "can have a heart attack" -> "may experience a heart attack"
    Explanation: "May experience a heart attack" is a more formal and cautious expression than "can have a heart attack," which is somewhat colloquial.

  12. "feeling even more stressed/pressured" -> "feeling even more stressed or pressured"
    Explanation: Adding "or" after "stressed" clarifies the alternatives, aligning with formal writing standards.

  13. "do household chores" -> "perform household tasks"
    Explanation: "Perform household tasks" is a more formal and precise term than "do household chores."

  14. "do some light workouts from the internet" -> "engage in light online exercises"
    Explanation: "Engage in light online exercises" is more formal and specific than "do some light workouts from the internet," which is somewhat informal and vague.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a balanced view on whether playing sports is the best way to maintain health. The introduction clearly states the author’s position, acknowledging the benefits of sports while also highlighting that it may not be suitable for everyone. The body paragraphs provide arguments for both sides, discussing the advantages of sports and the potential drawbacks for certain individuals. This comprehensive approach demonstrates a thorough understanding of the question.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could provide more specific examples or statistics to support the claims made about the benefits and drawbacks of sports. For instance, citing studies that show the impact of sports on mental health or statistics on injuries could strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing that while sports have benefits, they are not the best option for everyone. The use of phrases like "from my perspective" and "I believe" reinforces the author’s stance. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive, particularly in the conclusion, which somewhat dilutes the strength of the position.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and assertiveness, the author could use more definitive language in the conclusion. Instead of saying "I believe although sports are good in some ways," a stronger statement like "While sports offer significant benefits, they are not universally applicable" would convey a more confident position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of the benefits of sports for mental and physical health. The author extends these ideas by explaining how sports can alleviate stress and improve physical fitness. However, the counterarguments could be further developed. The mention of individuals with cardiovascular issues is a strong point, but additional examples or elaboration on alternative methods of maintaining health would enhance this section.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples of alternative health maintenance methods. For instance, discussing specific types of low-impact exercises or lifestyle changes could offer a more rounded perspective on health maintenance beyond sports.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the question of whether sports are the best way to maintain health. The structure is logical, with a clear progression from the benefits of sports to the potential drawbacks. There are no significant deviations from the topic, which is commendable.
    • How to improve: While the essay is largely on topic, the author could ensure that each paragraph explicitly ties back to the central question. For example, reiterating how each point relates to the effectiveness of sports as a health maintenance strategy would reinforce the focus and coherence of the argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively balances the discussion of sports as a means of maintaining health. With some enhancements in specificity, assertiveness, and elaboration, it could reach an even higher level of clarity and depth.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the writer’s position. Each paragraph logically follows the previous one, with the first body paragraph discussing the benefits of sports and the second addressing potential drawbacks. For instance, the transition from discussing the positive impacts of sports on mental and physical health to the limitations faced by certain individuals is smooth and coherent. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer’s stance.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases between ideas. For example, when transitioning from the benefits of sports to the drawbacks, phrases like "However," or "On the other hand," can help signal the shift in perspective more clearly. Additionally, integrating a brief overview of the main points in the introduction could provide a roadmap for the reader.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, each serving a distinct purpose. The introduction sets the stage, the first body paragraph elaborates on the positive aspects of sports, and the second body paragraph discusses the negatives. Each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that guides the reader through the argument. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer internal organization, as it presents multiple ideas that could be more effectively separated into distinct sentences or sub-points.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. For instance, the second body paragraph could be split into two: one discussing the limitations of sports for certain individuals and another addressing alternative methods for maintaining health. This would enhance clarity and allow for a more thorough exploration of each point.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "first," "in addition," and "nevertheless," which help to guide the reader through the argument. The use of "for example" effectively introduces specific instances that support the claims made. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the fluidity of the writing.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating more transitional phrases that indicate the relationship between ideas, such as "furthermore," "conversely," or "as a result." Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help maintain cohesion without repetitive language. For example, instead of repeating "sports," you might use "these activities" or "such physical engagements" in subsequent references.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and coherent, demonstrating a strong command of coherence and cohesion principles. By refining the organization of ideas within paragraphs and enhancing the variety of cohesive devices, the writer can further elevate the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "agility," "flexibility," "endurance," and "acute threat." However, the vocabulary choices tend to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "playing sports" and "doing sports," which are used interchangeably but could be varied further. The use of "physically disadvantaged ones" is an attempt at a more sophisticated expression, but it could be phrased more naturally.
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "playing sports," you could use "engaging in athletic activities" or "participating in sports." Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to health and fitness could elevate the essay’s quality.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "physically disadvantaged ones" could be more clearly articulated as "individuals with physical disabilities" or "those with physical limitations." The term "acute threat" is also somewhat misleading in this context; it would be clearer to say "serious risk" when discussing health concerns related to sports.
    • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. When discussing health risks, ensure that the terms used are appropriate for the context. Consider revising phrases that may lead to confusion or misinterpretation, and always aim for clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with no glaring errors. However, the use of the slash in "stressed/pressured" is unconventional and could be seen as informal or incorrect in academic writing.
    • How to improve: To maintain high spelling accuracy, it’s essential to proofread the essay for any unconventional usages or typographical errors. Avoid using slashes in formal writing; instead, choose one term that best fits the context or rephrase the sentence to incorporate both ideas more fluidly. Regular practice with spelling exercises and reading academic texts can also help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling conventions. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise language use, and maintaining formal spelling standards, the overall quality of the essay can be significantly enhanced.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional phrases. For instance, phrases like "it is argued by some people" and "while there may be several benefits" showcase an ability to use passive voice and subordinate clauses effectively. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and the use of different grammatical forms, such as participial phrases or inversion for emphasis.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex grammatical forms. For example, instead of starting sentences with "This is because," you could use a participial phrase: "Due to the fact that not everyone can play sports, alternatives must be considered." Additionally, varying the length and type of sentences can enhance the flow and engagement of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "gives people opportunity" should be "gives people the opportunity" to ensure correct article usage. Additionally, the use of commas is mostly appropriate, though there are instances where they could enhance clarity, such as before "especially physically disadvantaged ones" to separate the clause more clearly.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on article usage and ensuring that all noun phrases are complete. Regularly reviewing common grammatical structures and practicing their correct usage can help. For punctuation, consider reading sentences aloud to identify natural pauses where commas might be needed, particularly in complex sentences. This practice will help in recognizing where additional punctuation can clarify meaning and improve readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, but with targeted improvements in sentence variety and grammatical precision, it could achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is contended by some individuals that engaging in sports is the most effective method for maintaining health. From my perspective, while there are several benefits to playing sports, it may not be the optimal approach for all.

To begin with, participating in sports offers individuals opportunities to relax and socialise with others, aiding in stress relief. This, in turn, can significantly improve mental health, reducing the likelihood of mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. In addition, engaging in sports such as soccer, volleyball, or basketball contributes to enhancing agility, flexibility, strength, and endurance, which boosts immune function and reduces vulnerability to illnesses. Thus, it is justifiable to assert that engaging in sports has a positive impact on both our mental health and physical well-being.

Nevertheless, while sports are believed to bring great benefits to health, they can be counterproductive in certain situations. This is because not all individuals can participate in sports, particularly those with physical disabilities. For example, individuals with cardiovascular problems may experience a heart attack due to excessive physical exertion, posing a serious threat to their lives. Additionally, participating in competitive sports during leisure time may cause some people to feel even more stressed or pressured, as they might need to stay highly focused or deal with conflicts with other players. To tackle these potential issues, those wishing to maintain good health can rely on other less physically demanding choices to get more exercise, including making small changes to their lifestyle. For instance, they can perform household tasks, walk to school or work, or engage in light online exercises.

In conclusion, I believe that although sports offer numerous benefits, they are not suitable for everyone. Therefore, individuals should be cautious about engaging in sports and consider alternative approaches to achieving better health.

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