Some people think that in modern society individuals are becoming more dependent on each other. Some people believe people are becoming independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In the modern world, with advances in technology, many people tend to live alone and reside apart from others. This has sparked debate whether individuals are becoming more dependent or independent. This essay will elaborate on both views, as well as state my supporting opinion for the latter one.

On one hand, there are many reasons why people believe that social connectedness is decreasing among individuals. Firstly, individuals can access to hubs of information easily and conveniently thanks to the advances of modern devices and the Internet. This has reduced their reliance on other people to stay informed and they are accessible to a huge amount of knowledge available on the Internet. Secondly, individuals these days tend to prefer quantities over qualities to be specific. Many people are engaging in building personal branding and identities online; thus, they are more likely to expand their network online. Although these relationships are not strong, they can outnumber those close ones. This could fill an individual's need for social connections, potentially making them independent living with their society.

On the other hand, other people, including myself, strongly believe that people are becoming more dependent due to the fast-changing society. Society is driven by many factors, particularly paradigm and economy and politics which can lead to radical changes. For example, fluctuations in economic monetary value or political change can result in heavy loss to goods, production lines, and price of necessities. Therefore, in these situations, people tend to seek help and rely on other people to overcome the difficulty. Furthermore, environmental challenges, such as global warming can also have severe and developmental effects on people's lives. These problems require individuals to have a cooperative spirit and depend on each other to not only solve environmental problems, but also enhance their living standards.

In conclusion, although the benefits of technology to people's independent lives can help them to stay abreast and keep informed about current affairs, I strongly maintain my stance that because of the difficulties and challenges in the environment and world’s development, individuals need to rely on each other and act together to overcome these problems.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"tend to live alone and reside apart from others" -> "tend to live solitary lives and reside in isolation"
Explanation: "Live alone" and "reside apart from others" are somewhat redundant. Combining these phrases into "live solitary lives and reside in isolation" provides a more concise and precise description, aligning with academic style by avoiding redundancy.
"This has sparked debate whether individuals are becoming more dependent or independent." -> "This has sparked debate regarding whether individuals are exhibiting increased dependency or independence."
Explanation: Replacing "whether" with "regarding" adds formality and clarity to the sentence. Additionally, "exhibiting increased dependency or independence" provides a more academic and precise description than "more dependent or independent."
"This essay will elaborate on both views, as well as state my supporting opinion for the latter one." -> "This essay will elucidate both perspectives and advocate for the latter."
Explanation: "Elaborate" is replaced with "elucidate" for a more formal tone, and "state my supporting opinion" is replaced with "advocate for," which is more concise and precise in academic writing.
"individuals can access to hubs of information easily" -> "individuals can easily access hubs of information"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence by placing "easily" before "access" improves clarity and conforms to academic writing norms by avoiding unnecessary words.
"thanks to the advances of modern devices and the Internet" -> "owing to advancements in modern technology and the Internet"
Explanation: "Thanks to" is colloquial; "owing to" is more formal. Additionally, "advancements in modern technology" is a more precise and formal phrase compared to "advances of modern devices."
"reduced their reliance on other people to stay informed" -> "diminished their dependence on interpersonal sources for information"
Explanation: "Reliance on other people" is paraphrased as "dependence on interpersonal sources," which is more academically precise. "Stay informed" is replaced with "for information" for clarity and formality.
"they are accessible to a huge amount of knowledge available on the Internet" -> "they have access to a vast amount of knowledge available on the Internet"
Explanation: "Accessible to" is replaced with "have access to" for clarity and conciseness. "Huge amount of knowledge" is replaced with "vast amount of knowledge" for a more sophisticated tone.
"to be specific" -> "specifically"
Explanation: "To be specific" is informal; "specifically" is the adverbial form preferred in academic writing.
"Many people are engaging in building personal branding and identities online" -> "Many individuals are actively cultivating their personal brands and identities online"
Explanation: "Engaging in building" is replaced with "actively cultivating," which is more formal and precise. "Personal branding and identities" is maintained but clarified with "cultivating their personal brands and identities."
"although these relationships are not strong" -> "although these connections may lack depth"
Explanation: "Relationships" is replaced with "connections" for variety. "Not strong" is paraphrased as "may lack depth" for a more nuanced and formal expression.
"they can outnumber those close ones" -> "they may outnumber those in-person connections"
Explanation: "Close ones" is informal; "in-person connections" is a more formal alternative. Additionally, "can outnumber" is replaced with "may outnumber" for a more tentative assertion.
"This could fill an individual’s need for social connections" -> "This may satisfy an individual’s need for social interaction"
Explanation: "Fill" is replaced with "satisfy" for a more formal and precise term. "Social connections" is paraphrased as "social interaction" for clarity and variety in vocabulary.
"potentially making them independent living with their society" -> "potentially fostering independence within their communities"
Explanation: "Independent living with their society" is rephrased as "fostering independence within their communities" for clarity and formality. Additionally, "making them" is replaced with "fostering" for a more precise and formal expression.
"other people, including myself" -> "others, including myself"
Explanation: "Other people" is simplified to "others" for conciseness and variety.
"Society is driven by many factors, particularly paradigm and economy and politics" -> "Society is influenced by various factors, notably paradigm shifts, economic dynamics, and political processes"
Explanation: "Driven by" is replaced with "influenced by" for a more nuanced and formal expression. "Many factors" is specified as "various factors" for clarity and precision. "Paradigm and economy and politics" is revised as "paradigm shifts, economic dynamics, and political processes" for improved clarity and specificity.
"For example, fluctuations in economic monetary value" -> "For example, fluctuations in economic indicators"
Explanation: "Economic monetary value" is simplified to "economic indicators" for clarity and conciseness.
"environmental challenges, such as global warming can also have severe and developmental effects" -> "environmental challenges, such as global warming, can also exert significant and developmental impacts"
Explanation: "Severe and developmental effects" is replaced with "significant and developmental impacts" for a more formal and precise expression. Additionally, "have" is replaced with "exert" for a more active verb choice.
"These problems require individuals to have a cooperative spirit and depend on each other" -> "Addressing these issues necessitates individuals to cultivate a cooperative spirit and interdependence"
Explanation: "Require individuals to have" is replaced with "necessitates individuals to cultivate" for a more formal and precise expression. "Cooperative spirit and depend on each other" is rephrased as "cooperative spirit and interdependence" for variety and clarity.
"In conclusion, although the benefits of technology to people’s independent lives" -> "In conclusion, while technology offers benefits for individual autonomy,"
Explanation: The phrase "people’s independent lives" is rephrased as "individual autonomy" for conciseness and clarity. Additionally, "although" is replaced with "while" for smoother transition and formal tone.
"can help them to stay abreast and keep informed about current affairs" -> "can facilitate their staying informed about current affairs"
Explanation: "Stay abreast and keep informed" is simplified to "staying informed" for clarity and conciseness. "Help them to" is replaced with "facilitate their" for a more formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing reasons for both the perception of increasing independence and increasing dependence in modern society. It also concludes with the writer’s own opinion on the matter.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider providing more specific examples or data to support each viewpoint. This would strengthen the analysis and provide a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer’s position is clearly stated in the introduction and maintained throughout the essay. The conclusion reinforces this stance effectively.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, ensure that each paragraph consistently supports the writer’s position, providing clear reasoning and evidence for their viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both sides of the argument and supports them with relevant examples and reasoning. However, some of the examples could be further developed to provide a deeper analysis.
- How to improve: Extend the discussion on each point by delving into more specific examples or providing additional context. This would strengthen the argument and demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the perceptions of increasing independence and dependence in modern society.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the topic and contributes to the overall argument. Avoid tangential discussions that may distract from the main points.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed examples and ensuring consistency in supporting the writer’s viewpoint. With these enhancements, the essay could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization by presenting both views on the topic. It starts with an introduction that sets up the discussion, followed by separate paragraphs discussing reasons for both views, and concludes with a clear opinion statement. However, within paragraphs, the flow of ideas can be improved for smoother transitions between sentences and examples.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea related to the view being discussed. Use topic sentences to introduce these ideas clearly. Additionally, use transition words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "On the other hand") to guide the reader through the different arguments presented.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different points of view and arguments. Each paragraph generally focuses on a specific aspect of the topic. However, there are instances where ideas within paragraphs could be better structured to improve coherence.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences or examples that develop the idea further. Use transitions between sentences to create a seamless flow of ideas within paragraphs.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices such as linking words ("Firstly," "On the other hand," "Furthermore") to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there is room for improvement in using a wider variety of cohesive devices and integrating them more naturally.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used, including pronouns (e.g., "these," "those") for referencing, conjunctions (e.g., "although," "because") for showing relationships between ideas, and transitional phrases (e.g., "in conclusion," "as a result") for signaling shifts in argument or perspective. Focus on using these devices seamlessly to improve overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, refining the organization of ideas within paragraphs, improving paragraph transitions, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion of the writing, leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout. There is evidence of varied vocabulary usage, such as "reside," "accessible," "quantities," "paradigm," "fluctuations," "cooperative spirit," etc. The candidate effectively employs vocabulary to convey nuanced meanings and ideas.
- How to improve: To further enhance the breadth of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific or domain-specific terms where appropriate. Additionally, aim to incorporate idiomatic expressions or phrasal verbs to add depth to the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage in the essay is generally precise, contributing to the clarity of expression. For instance, terms like "social connectedness," "personal branding," and "environmental challenges" are used appropriately to convey specific concepts.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates overall precision in vocabulary usage, ensure consistency in using precise terminology throughout the essay. Avoid overgeneralizations or ambiguous terms that could potentially obscure the intended meaning. Additionally, strive to use vocabulary that is directly relevant to the topic at hand to maintain coherence.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with minimal errors observed. Most words are spelled correctly, contributing to the readability and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing proofreading techniques such as spell checkers and manual review to identify and correct any remaining errors. Additionally, practice spelling challenging words regularly to reinforce correct spelling patterns.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong lexical resource, characterized by a wide range of vocabulary, precise usage, and generally correct spelling. To continue improving, the candidate should focus on further diversifying their vocabulary, maintaining consistency in precision, and ensuring meticulous attention to spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and conditional structures. For instance, in the introductory paragraph, the writer utilizes a complex sentence ("This has sparked debate whether individuals are becoming more dependent or independent") and a compound sentence ("This essay will elaborate on both views, as well as state my supporting opinion for the latter one"). Throughout the essay, there is consistent use of varied sentence structures, contributing to coherence and fluency.
- How to improve: To further enhance the richness of the essay, consider incorporating a wider range of sentence types, such as imperative sentences for emphasis or interrogative sentences to engage the reader. Additionally, integrating more complex sentence structures like inverted sentences or parallel structures can elevate the sophistication of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Sentences are generally well-structured, and punctuation marks are appropriately used to aid clarity and coherence. However, there are a few instances where minor grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies are present. For example, in the sentence "Individuals can access to hubs of information easily and conveniently thanks to the advances of modern devices and the Internet," the correct phrasing should be "Individuals can access hubs of information easily and conveniently thanks to the advances of modern devices and the Internet." Additionally, the phrase "thanks to the advances of modern devices and the Internet" could be set off with commas for improved clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s advisable to proofread the essay carefully to catch any errors in subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and sentence structure. Paying attention to articles (such as "a," "an," and "the") and prepositions can also help refine sentence constructions. Additionally, revisiting punctuation rules, especially regarding comma usage and sentence boundary punctuation, can further polish the essay’s presentation.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the modern world, with advances in technology, many people tend to live solitary lives and reside in isolation. This has sparked debate regarding whether individuals are exhibiting increased dependency or independence. This essay will elucidate both perspectives and advocate for the latter.

On one hand, individuals can easily access hubs of information owing to advancements in modern technology and the Internet. This has diminished their dependence on interpersonal sources for information, as they have access to a vast amount of knowledge available on the Internet. Many individuals are actively cultivating their personal brands and identities online. Although these connections may lack depth, they may outnumber those in-person connections. This may satisfy an individual’s need for social interaction, potentially fostering independence within their communities.

On the other hand, society is influenced by various factors, notably paradigm shifts, economic dynamics, and political processes. For example, fluctuations in economic indicators or environmental challenges, such as global warming, can also exert significant developmental impacts. Addressing these issues necessitates individuals to cultivate a cooperative spirit and interdependence.

In conclusion, while technology offers benefits for individual autonomy and can facilitate staying informed about current affairs, societal challenges require people to depend on each other. Thus, a balance between independence and interdependence is necessary for individuals to thrive in modern society.