Some people think that it’s important to spend money on family celebrations (e.g weddings, birthdays). However, some think that expensive celebrations are a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Lots of individuals claim that investing money on family ceremonies is crucial. Nevertheless, it is also maintained to be a financial waste by others. From my perspective, while paying money for costly celebrations can be an excessive spending, it can also be a chance for family gathering and strengthening family bonds, which eclipses the former.

On the one hand, the money flows mostly into luxury and lavish decorations. This is mainly because these are rarely organized events so people want them to be lavishly celebrated, it’s even due to the needs of showing off in some cases. For instance, Vietnamese weddings are often considered to be extravagant as it’s an once-in-a-lifetime ceremony so being decorated luxurious and invested with a huge amount of money is essential.

On the other hand, holding big family celebrations play a vital role in individuals’ mental life and health. Since working far away from home is common in these modern ages, family celebrations are the chance for people to gather with their family, which please and give them senses of belonging and happiness. Also, this helps release stress and pressure from work, which improves their mental health and working efficiency in order to achieve better careers.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Lots of individuals claim that" -> "Many individuals assert that"
Explanation: Replacing "Lots of individuals claim that" with "Many individuals assert that" introduces a more formal and assertive tone to the statement.
"Nevertheless, it is also maintained to be a financial waste by others." -> "However, others argue that it constitutes a financial extravagance."
Explanation: Substituting "Nevertheless, it is also maintained to be a financial waste by others" with "However, others argue that it constitutes a financial extravagance" enhances the formality and precision of the expression.
"From my perspective, while paying money for costly celebrations can be an excessive spending, it can also be a chance for family gathering and strengthening family bonds, which eclipses the former." -> "In my view, although investing in elaborate celebrations may be deemed excessive spending, it also provides an opportunity for family gathering and fortifying familial bonds, surpassing the financial considerations."
Explanation: The suggested changes refine the sentence by using a more formal structure and vocabulary, contributing to a clearer and more academically appropriate expression.
"On the one hand, the money flows mostly into luxury and lavish decorations." -> "Primarily, the funds are allocated to opulent and extravagant decorations."
Explanation: The replacement of "On the one hand, the money flows mostly into luxury and lavish decorations" with "Primarily, the funds are allocated to opulent and extravagant decorations" introduces a more formal and precise phrasing.
"This is mainly because these are rarely organized events so people want them to be lavishly celebrated, it’s even due to the needs of showing off in some cases." -> "This is primarily due to the infrequency of these events; individuals aspire to celebrate them extravagantly, driven by the desire to showcase their affluence in certain instances."
Explanation: The suggested changes offer a more formal and detailed expression, addressing the informality and imprecision in the original statement.
"For instance, Vietnamese weddings are often considered to be extravagant as it’s an once-in-a-lifetime ceremony so being decorated luxurious and invested with a huge amount of money is essential." -> "For example, Vietnamese weddings are frequently perceived as extravagant due to their once-in-a-lifetime nature, necessitating luxurious decorations and substantial financial investments."
Explanation: The proposed alterations enhance clarity and formality by refining the structure and vocabulary of the sentence.
"On the other hand, holding big family celebrations play a vital role in individuals’ mental life and health." -> "Conversely, hosting large family celebrations plays a pivotal role in individuals’ mental well-being."
Explanation: Replacing "On the other hand, holding big family celebrations play a vital role in individuals’ mental life and health" with "Conversely, hosting large family celebrations plays a pivotal role in individuals’ mental well-being" improves the formality and accuracy of the statement.
"Since working far away from home is common in these modern ages, family celebrations are the chance for people to gather with their family, which please and give them senses of belonging and happiness." -> "Given the prevalent practice of working far from home in contemporary times, family celebrations provide an opportunity for individuals to reunite, eliciting feelings of belonging and happiness."
Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision, offering a more academically suitable expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives by discussing the importance of spending money on family celebrations and acknowledging the opposing view that sees them as a waste of money. The essay provides a clear stance in favor of celebrating, stating that it can strengthen family bonds.
- How to improve: While the essay acknowledges both perspectives, it could enhance its depth by exploring the opposing view in more detail. Providing specific examples of arguments against expensive celebrations would make the analysis more comprehensive.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position in favor of spending money on family celebrations. The thesis statement clearly states the perspective, and subsequent paragraphs support this stance.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to and supports the main position. Additionally, consider addressing potential counterarguments and providing counterpoints to strengthen the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the expense of family celebrations and their benefits in terms of family bonds and mental health. However, some points could be further developed for a more comprehensive discussion.
- How to improve: Elaborate on specific examples of expensive celebrations and their societal impact. Additionally, provide more details on how family gatherings contribute to mental well-being, perhaps citing studies or personal anecdotes to strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the importance of family celebrations and their impact on mental well-being. However, there is a slight deviation when discussing Vietnamese weddings without directly connecting it to the broader theme of family celebrations.
- How to improve: Ensure that all examples and details provided directly relate to the topic of family celebrations. If using specific cultural examples, connect them explicitly to the broader theme of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively presents a well-structured argument. To improve, focus on providing more depth in the analysis, addressing potential counterarguments, and ensuring that all examples directly support the central theme of family celebrations.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction sets up the discussion of the two opposing views, and each paragraph is dedicated to presenting one viewpoint. However, there is room for improvement in the transition between paragraphs to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences that guide the reader from one point to the next. For example, in the transition from discussing expensive celebrations as a waste of money to the benefits of family gatherings, a sentence or phrase could be added to bridge the two ideas more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, providing a clear structure to the essay. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and elaboration to strengthen their impact.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details to fully develop the ideas presented. For instance, the paragraph discussing expensive decorations could be expanded with additional examples or explanations to provide a more comprehensive view.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional words like "Nevertheless" and "On the one hand, On the other hand," to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the use of cohesive devices for a more seamless connection between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns (it, this, these), conjunctions (however, furthermore), and transitional phrases (for instance, on the contrary), to create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will contribute to a more cohesive and well-connected essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a generally coherent and well-organized structure, improvements in transition sentences and the use of a wider range of cohesive devices can enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay. Ensure that each paragraph is fully developed with clear topic sentences and supporting details to strengthen the argument and improve the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "crucial," "maintained," "excessive spending," "strengthening," "eclipses," "lavish," "extravagant," and "efficiency." However, there is room for improvement as certain phrases are repeated, and there is a reliance on more common words like "money" and "celebrations."
- How to improve: To enhance the score, strive for greater diversity in vocabulary. Avoid repetitive language and explore synonyms or alternative expressions. For example, instead of frequently using "money," consider using terms like "financial resources" or "expenditure." Additionally, explore more nuanced vocabulary to convey your ideas more precisely.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at precision in vocabulary, as seen in the use of words like "luxury," "lavish," and "extravagant." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as in the use of "crucial" and "essential" in the context of celebrations. Additionally, some phrases are overly general, lacking specificity.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. For instance, instead of using "crucial" and "essential," consider words like "significant" or "vital." Provide specific details and examples to support your points, avoiding vague or general statements. This will enhance the overall precision of your vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no major spelling errors observed. However, there are a few minor issues, such as "celebrations" being misspelled as "ceremonies" and some awkward phrasing like "money flows mostly into luxury."
- How to improve: Continue to prioritize accurate spelling. Review and revise your work to catch any minor spelling errors or awkward phrasing. Additionally, consider refining sentences for clarity and coherence. Proofreading before submission is crucial to ensuring a polished and error-free essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is an attempt to vary sentence lengths and structures, a predominant use of simple and compound sentences is observed. For example, the author employs basic sentence structures like "Lots of individuals claim," and there is a reliance on the "on the one hand, on the other hand" structure for presenting contrasting ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and make the essay more dynamic, consider incorporating complex sentences and varied sentence structures. Introduce relative clauses, conditional sentences, and rhetorical devices to add sophistication to the writing. For instance, instead of relying on the basic "on the one hand, on the other hand" structure, experiment with more nuanced transitions and connectors.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with a few instances of minor errors. For example, in the sentence "Nevertheless, it is also maintained to be a financial waste by others," the verb "maintained" seems inappropriate, and the phrase could be revised for clarity. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are occasional issues, such as missing commas before introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review verb choices and ensure they align with the intended meaning. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation, particularly the use of commas, to improve overall clarity. Proofread the essay for minor errors and consider seeking feedback to catch any overlooked mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, incorporating a wider range of sentence structures would contribute to a more varied and sophisticated writing style, potentially elevating the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Numerous people assert the importance of investing money in family ceremonies, while others argue that it constitutes a financial extravagance. In my view, though spending on elaborate celebrations may be seen as excessive, it also provides an opportunity for family gatherings and strengthens familial bonds, surpassing financial considerations.

Primarily, funds are allocated to opulent and extravagant decorations. This is primarily due to the infrequency of these events; individuals aspire to celebrate them extravagantly, driven by the desire to showcase their affluence in certain instances. For example, Vietnamese weddings are frequently perceived as extravagant due to their once-in-a-lifetime nature, necessitating luxurious decorations and substantial financial investments.

Conversely, hosting large family celebrations plays a pivotal role in individuals’ mental well-being. Given the prevalent practice of working far from home in contemporary times, family celebrations provide an opportunity for individuals to reunite, eliciting feelings of belonging and happiness. Additionally, these gatherings help release stress and pressure from work, contributing to improved mental health and increased working efficiency for better career achievements.