fbpx

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don’t. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others

believe they don’t.

Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion

In many cases, on account of popularity, sportspersons’ unsportsmanlike behaviors turn into the focus of debate and have a negative effect on adolescents. With extensive media coverage when athletes display unsportsmanlike conduct, not only do showing poor sportsmanship on the field encourage young fans to normalize negative actions, but it also promotes aggressive and disrespectful behavior among them. Eventually, it is dangerous that they imitate their idol's similar actions. For example, some athletes assault their opponents, becoming wicked role models for youngsters. However, it is these sportspersons who set their example for people to avoid these actions.

Sportpeople can be an effective role model for youngsters because of their social contribution. Generally, athletes often have a significant influence due to their fame and achievements, therefore, they can use their fame and fortune to contribute advantageously to society, setting up charities. If they go out of their way to engage in some community activities, their personal approachable images are built and their action has a positive impact on children. By fostering community development, they set their example for their fans, particularly the young. As can be seen, N'Golo Kante, who is an amiable well-known player, has spent most of his money on volunteering for disadvantaged people and inspired people to do voluntary work.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In many cases, on account of popularity, sportspersons’ unsportsmanlike behaviors turn into the focus of debate and have a negative effect on adolescents." -> "Frequently, due to their popularity, the unsportsmanlike behaviors of athletes become subjects of debate and negatively impact adolescents."
    Explanation: Replacing "in many cases" with "frequently" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

  2. "not only do showing poor sportsmanship on the field encourage young fans to normalize negative actions, but it also promotes aggressive and disrespectful behavior among them." -> "Not only does displaying poor sportsmanship on the field encourage young fans to normalize negative actions, but it also fosters aggressive and disrespectful behavior among them."
    Explanation: Correcting subject-verb agreement and improving sentence structure for academic writing.

  3. "Eventually, it is dangerous that they imitate their idol’s similar actions." -> "Ultimately, it is hazardous for them to emulate their idols’ behavior."
    Explanation: Replacing "eventually" with "ultimately" for a more formal tone and rephrasing for conciseness and clarity.

  4. "For example, some athletes assault their opponents, becoming wicked role models for youngsters." -> "For instance, certain athletes assault their opponents, thereby becoming negative role models for young people."
    Explanation: Replacing informal language like "wicked" with a more neutral term and refining the sentence structure.

  5. "However, it is these sportspersons who set their example for people to avoid these actions." -> "Nevertheless, it is these athletes who set an example for people to avoid such behaviors."
    Explanation: Simplifying and clarifying the statement while maintaining formality.

  6. "Sportpeople can be an effective role model for youngsters because of their social contribution." -> "Athletes can serve as effective role models for youngsters due to their social contributions."
    Explanation: Correcting "sportpeople" to "athletes" for standard terminology and refining sentence structure.

  7. "Generally, athletes often have a significant influence due to their fame and achievements, therefore, they can use their fame and fortune to contribute advantageously to society, setting up charities." -> "Typically, athletes wield substantial influence owing to their fame and achievements; thus, they can leverage their status to make advantageous contributions to society, such as establishing charities."
    Explanation: Streamlining the sentence for clarity and formality, avoiding redundancy.

  8. "If they go out of their way to engage in some community activities, their personal approachable images are built and their action has a positive impact on children." -> "By actively participating in community activities, they cultivate approachable public personas and positively influence children."
    Explanation: Simplifying and restructuring the sentence to enhance clarity and academic tone.

  9. "By fostering community development, they set their example for their fans, particularly the young." -> "Through fostering community development, they provide an example for their fans, particularly the youth."
    Explanation: Improving sentence flow and removing redundancy for formal writing.

  10. "As can be seen, N’Golo Kante, who is an amiable well-known player, has spent most of his money on volunteering for disadvantaged people and inspired people to do voluntary work." -> "For instance, N’Golo Kante, a widely admired player, has dedicated much of his wealth to volunteering for disadvantaged individuals, inspiring others to engage in charitable activities."
    Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by refining descriptions and sentence structure.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both points of view by discussing how professional athletes can be negative role models due to unsportsmanlike behavior, while also acknowledging that they can serve as positive role models through their social contributions.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both viewpoints, it could enhance its depth by providing more detailed analysis and examples for each perspective. Additionally, ensuring that each viewpoint is clearly distinguished in separate paragraphs can improve clarity and organization.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, suggesting that while some athletes exhibit negative behavior, others contribute positively to society.
    • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the writer could explicitly state their position in the introduction and conclusion paragraphs, reinforcing the essay’s stance on the issue.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding both the negative and positive aspects of professional athletes as role models. It offers examples, such as instances of unsportsmanlike behavior and the charitable actions of athletes like N’Golo Kante, to support these ideas.
    • How to improve: To extend ideas further, the essay could delve deeper into the societal impact of athletes’ behaviors, providing more diverse examples and possibly exploring counterarguments to strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the role of professional athletes as role models, both positively and negatively.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, it’s essential to avoid tangential discussions or excessive detail unrelated to the main topic. Ensuring that every paragraph directly contributes to the central argument can enhance coherence and relevance.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both viewpoints and providing examples, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of position, extension of ideas, and maintaining focus. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It begins by discussing the negative influence of athletes’ unsportsmanlike behaviors on young people, then transitions to the positive aspect of athletes serving as role models through their social contributions. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct viewpoint, providing a clear progression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences. Additionally, consider providing a stronger concluding paragraph to summarize the key points and reinforce the essay’s overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint or argument, contributing to the overall clarity of the essay.
    • How to improve: While the use of paragraphs is appropriate, strive for more balance in paragraph length. The second paragraph is significantly longer than the first, which may disrupt the visual flow of the essay. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to maintain reader engagement.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, contributing to coherence. For instance, phrases like "in many cases," "however," and "as can be seen" help to signal shifts in argumentation or introduce examples.
    • How to improve: To enhance coherence further, vary the types of cohesive devices used. While conjunctions like "however" are effectively employed, consider incorporating more transitional phrases and synonyms to avoid repetition and add sophistication to the essay’s structure. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout. It utilizes varied vocabulary to discuss the topic, including terms like "unsportsmanlike behaviors," "normalize negative actions," "aggressive and disrespectful behavior," "wicked role models," "fame and fortune," "engage in community activities," and "amiable well-known player." These diverse lexical choices enrich the essay and contribute to a nuanced discussion of the topic.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms or idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Additionally, strive to maintain consistency in the level of formality and academic tone throughout the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, phrases like "unsportsmanlike behaviors," "negative actions," and "positive impact" accurately convey the writer’s ideas. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the term "wicked role models" might be considered slightly informal; using a term like "poor exemplars" could maintain formality while conveying a similar meaning.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, consider carefully selecting vocabulary that precisely captures the intended meanings. Avoid overly colloquial expressions or slang terms, opting instead for terminology that aligns with the formal nature of academic writing.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with no major spelling errors detracting from readability or comprehension. However, there are a few minor spelling errors that could be addressed for improved clarity and professionalism. For instance, "Sportpeople" should be corrected to "Sportspeople," and "voluntary" should be spelled as "volunteer."
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools during the writing process. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch and correct any spelling errors that may have been overlooked. Developing a habit of reviewing written work for spelling accuracy can contribute to overall improvement in this area.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the author employs complex sentence structures such as "With extensive media coverage when athletes display unsportsmanlike conduct, not only do showing poor sportsmanship on the field encourage young fans to normalize negative actions, but it also promotes aggressive and disrespectful behavior among them." Additionally, there are compound sentences like "However, it is these sportspersons who set their example for people to avoid these actions." These varied structures enhance the readability and complexity of the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enrich the essay, consider integrating a greater variety of sentence types, such as rhetorical questions, exclamatory sentences, or inverted sentences. This would add further depth and engagement to the writing, capturing the reader’s attention more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are some instances where improvements could be made. For example, there is a missing comma after "However" in the sentence "However, it is these sportspersons who set their example for people to avoid these actions." Additionally, there are minor errors such as the use of "sportpeople" instead of "sportspersons" and "amiable well-known player" which could be rephrased for clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s advisable to carefully proofread the essay for punctuation errors and typos. Also, consider revising certain phrases or word choices for clarity and precision. Consulting grammar resources or seeking feedback from peers can also be beneficial in identifying and rectifying grammatical inaccuracies. Furthermore, paying attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage can help refine the overall grammar of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many instances, due to their popularity, the unsportsmanlike behaviors of athletes become the subject of debate and negatively impact adolescents. When athletes display poor sportsmanship on the field, it not only encourages young fans to normalize negative actions but also fosters aggressive and disrespectful behavior among them. Ultimately, it is hazardous for them to emulate their idols’ behavior. For instance, certain athletes assault their opponents, thereby becoming negative role models for young people. Nevertheless, it is these athletes who set an example for people to avoid such behaviors.

Athletes can serve as effective role models for youngsters due to their social contributions. Typically, athletes wield substantial influence owing to their fame and achievements; thus, they can leverage their status to make advantageous contributions to society, such as establishing charities. By actively participating in community activities, they cultivate approachable public personas and positively influence children. Through fostering community development, they provide an example for their fans, particularly the youth. For instance, N’Golo Kante, a widely admired player, has dedicated much of his wealth to volunteering for disadvantaged individuals, inspiring others to engage in charitable activities.

Regarding the question of whether professional athletes make good role models for young people, there are divergent views. Some argue that their unsportsmanlike behaviors tarnish their image as role models, while others contend that their social contributions outweigh their flaws. In my opinion, while athletes may have their shortcomings, their positive impact on society through charity work and community engagement can make them valuable role models for the youth.

Bài viết liên quan

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects equally, whereas other people think that they should concentrate on only those subjects that they find interesting and they are best at. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects…

Phản hồi

Email của bạn sẽ không được hiển thị công khai. Các trường bắt buộc được đánh dấu *

IELTS Writify

Chấm IELTS Writing Free x GPT

Lưu ý

Sắp bảo trì server

Để đảm bảo tính ổn định của web, web sẽ thực hiện backup dữ liệu hàng ngày từ 3h-3h30 sáng

Rất mong quý thầy cô và học viên thông cảm vì bất tiện này