The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing. Do you agree or disagree?

The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays millions of online shops are doing business and develope rapidly. The majority of traditional shops concern if they will bankrupt soon due to the fast growing online shopping. However, a great deal of shops can still survive.
Firstly, the online shops always offer a very competitive price in order to obtain more and more consumers. They can always provide attractive promotion and sell the products in bottom price because they do not have to pay the extra rental for the physical shops. For example, in my own country, the daily turnover of Tao Bao online shop is about 10 million, which is an astonishing amount.
Secondly, the people are keen on shopping on internet because it can save time. Especially the young generation are likely to browse the website of the shops at home in a comfortable atmosphere. They may flexibly select the goods that they like without the persuading from the shop staff. They can also compare the prices between various shops due to price – checking system.
However, some people said the traditional shops would still have their opportunities to retain their business. They suggest the owners of the chain stores or department stores can build up the online shops as well so as to maintain a stable business. Actually, there a lot of shops that have built up their online shops, such as the renowned sport shop Nike. All the shops should look for a correct manner to increase their business.
All in all, it is difficult to say that what is the advantage or disadvantage for online shopping. In my opinion, the owners of business should attain to check the trend of the business and quote a best price for keeping the purchasers.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "develope rapidly" -> "develop rapidly"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error and using the verb "develop" instead of "develope" maintains formal language.

  2. "concern if" -> "concerned about whether"
    Explanation: Replacing "concern if" with "concerned about whether" provides a more precise and formal expression of the traditional shops’ worries.

  3. "a great deal of shops" -> "many shops"
    Explanation: Using "many shops" is more concise and avoids the slightly informal tone of "a great deal of shops."

  4. "always offer a very competitive price" -> "consistently offer competitive prices"
    Explanation: This revision combines the idea of always offering competitive prices with more precise wording, improving formality.

  5. "obtain more and more consumers" -> "attract an increasing number of consumers"
    Explanation: "Attract an increasing number of consumers" is a formal and clear way to express the idea of gaining more customers.

  6. "bottom price" -> "rock-bottom prices"
    Explanation: "Rock-bottom prices" is a more idiomatic expression that retains the intended meaning while sounding less informal.

  7. "they do not have to pay the extra rental" -> "they are not burdened with additional rental costs"
    Explanation: The revised phrase maintains clarity while using more formal language.

  8. "the daily turnover of Tao Bao online shop" -> "Tao Bao’s daily online shop turnover"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and placing "Tao Bao’s" before "daily online shop turnover" makes it clearer and more formal.

  9. "keen on shopping on internet" -> "enthusiastic about online shopping"
    Explanation: "Enthusiastic about online shopping" is a more formal expression that avoids the colloquial "keen on shopping on internet."

  10. "browse the website of the shops" -> "browse the websites of stores"
    Explanation: Using "stores" instead of "shops" and "websites of" instead of "website of the shops" makes the language more formal and precise.

  11. "persuading from the shop staff" -> "persuasion from store staff"
    Explanation: Using "store staff" instead of "shop staff" maintains formality and clarity.

  12. "price – checking system" -> "price-checking system"
    Explanation: Correcting the hyphenation error by turning it into a compound word ("price-checking") improves the term’s readability and formality.

  13. "retain their business" -> "sustain their businesses"
    Explanation: "Sustain their businesses" is a more sophisticated way to express the idea of maintaining a stable business.

  14. "there a lot of shops" -> "there are many shops"
    Explanation: Correcting the grammar error by adding "are" makes the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.

  15. "renowned sport shop Nike" -> "renowned sportswear retailer like Nike"
    Explanation: Expanding "Nike" to "sportswear retailer like Nike" adds specificity and formality to the sentence.

  16. "look for a correct manner" -> "find an effective approach"
    Explanation: "Find an effective approach" is a more formal and clear way to express the idea of seeking the right method.

  17. "advantage or disadvantage for online shopping" -> "advantages and disadvantages of online shopping"
    Explanation: Restructuring the phrase for better clarity and formality.

  18. "attain to check the trend" -> "strive to monitor the trends"
    Explanation: "Strive to monitor the trends" is a more formal and precise way to convey the idea of keeping track of market trends.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the growth of online shopping and how it affects traditional shops. However, it lacks a clear stance on whether all shops in towns and cities will close as a result of online shopping.
    • How to improve: To fully address all parts of the question, the essay should clearly state whether it agrees or disagrees with the statement and provide a more definitive stance.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a reasonably clear position throughout, suggesting that online shops have advantages but also acknowledging that traditional shops can adapt.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should explicitly state its position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. A more consistent stance will help readers understand the author’s viewpoint.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but lacks in-depth development and supporting evidence. It briefly mentions advantages of online shopping, such as competitive pricing and convenience, but lacks specific examples or data. The mention of Nike’s online shop is a good example, but it could be elaborated further.
    • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the essay should provide concrete examples, statistics, or case studies to support its points. Additionally, it should elaborate more on the disadvantages or challenges faced by traditional shops to provide a well-rounded argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but includes some irrelevant information, such as the mention of "Tao Bao online shop" and the suggestion that chain stores can build online shops.
    • How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should avoid unnecessary details and stick to discussing the impact of online shopping on the survival of traditional shops. It should also avoid introducing new ideas like the suggestion for chain stores, as it diverts from the main topic.

Overall, the essay presents some relevant points but could benefit from a clearer and more well-supported stance on the issue. It should also stay more closely aligned with the topic and provide stronger evidence to support its arguments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some degree of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that introduces the topic and provides a general overview of the argument. The subsequent paragraphs discuss different aspects of online shopping, including competitive pricing and convenience, before presenting a counterargument. Finally, it concludes by stating a general opinion. However, there are some issues with the logical flow. For instance, the essay could benefit from a more structured approach and a clear progression of ideas, as some transitions between points are abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider structuring the essay more clearly. Start with a strong thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points you’ll discuss. Then, in each paragraph, introduce a single clear idea related to the topic and provide supporting evidence. Use transitional phrases and clear topic sentences to guide the reader through the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does use paragraphs to some extent, but the paragraphing structure could be more effective. The essay consists of four main paragraphs, but each paragraph covers multiple points, making it harder for the reader to follow. There is also a minor formatting issue with paragraph indentation.
    • How to improve: Aim for more focused and well-structured paragraphs. Each paragraph should address a single main point or idea related to the topic. Use indentation to clearly indicate the start of new paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that your paragraphs are of similar length, which will create a more balanced and visually appealing essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does use some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "firstly," "secondly," and "however." However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and sophistication in the use of cohesive devices. The essay could benefit from a wider range of linking words and phrases to create a smoother and more coherent connection between sentences and ideas.
    • How to improve: Expand your repertoire of cohesive devices beyond the basic ones used in this essay. Incorporate a variety of transitional words and phrases like "in addition," "consequently," "on the contrary," etc., to make your essay more cohesive and connected. Ensure that these cohesive devices are used appropriately to guide the reader through your argument.

Overall, while this essay demonstrates some understanding of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in terms of structure, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices. By addressing these areas, you can enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of your essays and potentially improve your band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderately wide range of vocabulary. It uses words like "develop rapidly," "bankrupt," "competitive price," "attractive promotion," "rental," "astonishing," "persuading," "flexibly," "price-checking system," "retailers," and "trend." While there is an attempt to incorporate a variety of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of diversity and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To enhance your score in this category, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary, idiomatic expressions, and synonyms. Avoid repeating words or phrases frequently. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "online shops," you can use synonyms like "e-commerce platforms," "virtual retailers," or "internet stores."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage in the essay is adequate but could be improved. For instance, the use of "develope" should be corrected to "develop," and "persuading" could be replaced with a more precise word like "pressure." However, the essay does make an effort to convey its points with reasonably accurate word choices.
    • How to improve: To achieve a higher score, focus on using vocabulary that precisely conveys your intended meaning. Proofread your essay for any grammatical errors or imprecise word choices. Utilize a thesaurus to find more precise synonyms for common words.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "develope" (develop), "million" (millions), "attractive" (attracting), "persuading" (persuasion), "due to" (due to the), "manner" (means), and "attain to" (attune to). These errors affect the overall quality of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it’s crucial to proofread your essay carefully before submission. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools and grammar-checking software to catch and correct spelling errors. Familiarize yourself with common spelling mistakes to avoid them in the future.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a reasonable grasp of vocabulary usage, but there are areas for improvement, especially in terms of spelling accuracy and more precise word choices. To enhance your lexical resource, focus on expanding your vocabulary and refining your word selection to convey your ideas more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly employs simple and compound sentence structures with limited variation. While there are some complex sentences, they are infrequent and do not contribute significantly to the overall variety. This lack of structural diversity affects the overall readability and sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy in sentence structures, the writer should incorporate a wider range of complex and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by using subordinating and coordinating conjunctions, relative clauses, and other advanced sentence structures. Varying the sentence lengths and styles will make the essay more engaging.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical and punctuation errors that impact its overall clarity. For instance, in the first sentence, "develop" should be "develops," and "develope" is a spelling error. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "a great deal of shops can still survive"), article usage (e.g., "the online shops always offer a very competitive price"), and verb tense consistency (e.g., "they may flexibly select the goods").
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work and consider seeking assistance in identifying and correcting grammatical errors. Paying attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and verb tense consistency will significantly improve the quality of the essay. Furthermore, the writer should work on using appropriate punctuation, such as commas, to clarify sentence structure and improve readability.

Overall, while the essay presents some valid points regarding online shopping, the grammatical range and accuracy need improvement to reach a higher band score. Focusing on sentence variety and addressing grammatical errors will enhance the quality of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, millions of online shops are thriving and developing rapidly. Traditional brick-and-mortar shops are increasingly concerned about whether they will eventually face bankruptcy due to the fast growth of online shopping. However, many shops can still manage to survive.

Firstly, online shops consistently offer competitive prices to attract an increasing number of consumers. They can consistently provide attractive promotions and sell products at rock-bottom prices because they are not burdened with additional rental costs for physical locations. For example, in my own country, Tao Bao’s daily online shop turnover reaches an astonishing amount of approximately 10 million.

Secondly, people are enthusiastic about online shopping because it can save them time. Especially the younger generation prefers to browse the websites of stores from the comfort of their homes. They can flexibly select the goods they like without the persuasion from store staff and can also easily compare prices between various shops thanks to the price-checking system.

However, some people argue that traditional shops will still have opportunities to sustain their businesses. They suggest that owners of chain stores or department stores can establish online shops as well to maintain a stable business. In fact, many shops have already embraced this approach, including renowned sportswear retailers like Nike. Therefore, all shops should find an effective approach to increase their business.

In conclusion, it is challenging to definitively determine the advantages and disadvantages of online shopping. In my opinion, business owners should strive to monitor the trends in the market and offer the best possible prices to attract and retain purchasers.

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