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The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In light of science’s proliferation, supporting human lives in multifaceted ways is thought to be of paramount importance and should be the goal of science. In my opinion, I agree that the chief priority of science should be to enhance humanity's life due to its enormous contributions to technology and healthcare.
Admittedly, the technological revolution emerges as one of the most beneficial outcomes of scientific endeavors, vastly influencing various facets of life. The foremost rationale is that the ubiquity of technological devices, such as smartphones or computers, may serve individuals’ basic demands for entertainment and connection with others. Regarding the former, the implementation of entertainment appliances, including online games as well as social platforms, is likely to facilitate people to be stress-relieved and relaxed, thereby positively ameliorating their psychological health. Evidence can be seen in the case of YouTube, a popular social network that allows users to post videos with diverse sources of content, therefore, it has millions of people access on a daily basis for entertainment purposes so that they can watch their favorite videos and get relaxation. In terms of communication between individuals, chatting online is an increasingly prevalent function as people have a strong preference for its convenience and efficiency, which can permit one to share information over a long distance.
From the healthcare aspect, scientific research exerts many beneficial influences on human life. To commence with, a variety of inventions in the field of healthcare are conducive to the amelioration of people’s overall well-being and the extension of their life expectancy. This is illustrated by the advent of the COVID-19 vaccines whose primary goal is to protect those potentially exposed to the hazardous flu virus, effectively boosting human resistance. Another health-supporting utility of science is the mitigation of cancer impacts. By way of illustration, the pain during cancer treatment may be reduced due to painkillers, and dietary supplements are likely to foster the patient’s health, thereby making the treatment process easier and the outcomes better. Granted, one might contend that vaccines may have adverse effects, so this scientific initiative is harmful to take. However, this line of reasoning is not sound because the vaccine's safety is based on its medical research and qualifications, hence, its side influences must be at a permissible level or at least warranted for use.
In conclusion, I wholeheartedly concede that the prioritized object of science is to improve the overall life’s quality for humanity.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In light of science’s proliferation" -> "Given the proliferation of scientific advancements"
    Explanation: Replacing "In light of science’s proliferation" with "Given the proliferation of scientific advancements" offers a more formal and precise introduction, emphasizing the progress in scientific knowledge.

  2. "should be the goal of science" -> "ought to be the primary objective of scientific endeavors"
    Explanation: Substituting "should be the goal of science" with "ought to be the primary objective of scientific endeavors" elevates the formality of the statement and uses more sophisticated language to convey the idea.

  3. "chief priority of science" -> "primary focus of scientific pursuits"
    Explanation: Changing "chief priority of science" to "primary focus of scientific pursuits" maintains the emphasis on the central role of science while employing a more formal and precise phrase.

  4. "vastly influencing various facets of life" -> "profoundly impacting diverse aspects of human existence"
    Explanation: Replacing "vastly influencing various facets of life" with "profoundly impacting diverse aspects of human existence" enhances the formality and specificity of the expression, contributing to a more academic tone.

  5. "basic demands for entertainment" -> "fundamental need for entertainment"
    Explanation: Substituting "basic demands for entertainment" with "fundamental need for entertainment" retains clarity while using more formal terminology to describe the necessity for entertainment.

  6. "stress-relieved and relaxed" -> "stress-relieved and at ease"
    Explanation: Changing "stress-relieved and relaxed" to "stress-relieved and at ease" maintains the intended meaning while employing a slightly more formal and precise phrasing.

  7. "psychological health" -> "mental well-being"
    Explanation: Replacing "psychological health" with "mental well-being" offers a more formal and widely accepted term in academic discourse.

  8. "Evidence can be seen in the case of YouTube" -> "Illustrations abound, as exemplified by YouTube"
    Explanation: Substituting "Evidence can be seen in the case of YouTube" with "Illustrations abound, as exemplified by YouTube" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.

  9. "entertainment appliances" -> "entertainment devices"
    Explanation: Changing "entertainment appliances" to "entertainment devices" maintains precision and aligns with more formal language commonly used in academic writing.

  10. "convenience and efficiency" -> "convenience and efficacy"
    Explanation: Substituting "convenience and efficiency" with "convenience and efficacy" maintains the meaning while employing a more formal term in the context of technological functions.

  11. "From the healthcare aspect" -> "From a healthcare perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing "From the healthcare aspect" with "From a healthcare perspective" is a more formal and widely accepted way to introduce a shift in focus.

  12. "exerts many beneficial influences" -> "exerts numerous positive impacts"
    Explanation: Changing "exerts many beneficial influences" to "exerts numerous positive impacts" maintains clarity while using a more formal and precise expression.

  13. "conducive to the amelioration" -> "conducive to improving"
    Explanation: Substituting "conducive to the amelioration" with "conducive to improving" simplifies the language without sacrificing formality.

  14. "extension of their life expectancy" -> "increase in life expectancy"
    Explanation: Replacing "extension of their life expectancy" with "increase in life expectancy" offers a more concise and formal expression.

  15. "primary goal is to protect those potentially exposed" -> "primary objective is to safeguard individuals at risk"
    Explanation: Changing "primary goal is to protect those potentially exposed" to "primary objective is to safeguard individuals at risk" maintains clarity and introduces a more formal term.

  16. "health-supporting utility of science" -> "health-promoting role of scientific advancements"
    Explanation: Substituting "health-supporting utility of science" with "health-promoting role of scientific advancements" conveys the idea using more formal and precise language.

  17. "pain during cancer treatment may be reduced due to painkillers" -> "pain during cancer treatment may be alleviated through analgesics"
    Explanation: Replacing "pain during cancer treatment may be reduced due to painkillers" with "pain during cancer treatment may be alleviated through analgesics" uses a more formal term for pain-relieving medications.

  18. "foster the patient’s health" -> "enhance the patient’s well-being"
    Explanation: Changing "foster the patient’s health" to "enhance the patient’s well-being" maintains the meaning while employing a more formal and widely accepted term.

  19. "side influences must be at a permissible level" -> "side effects must be within an acceptable range"
    Explanation: Substituting "side influences must be at a permissible level" with "side effects must be within an acceptable range" uses a more formal and precise term for the potential negative outcomes of a medical intervention.

  20. "harmful to take" -> "inadvisable to administer"
    Explanation: Changing "harmful to take" to "inadvisable to administer" employs a more formal and precise term in discussing the potential risks of a scientific initiative.

  21. "wholeheartedly concede" -> "fully endorse"
    Explanation: Substituting "wholeheartedly concede" with "fully endorse" maintains the affirmative tone while using more formal language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay fully and appropriately addresses the prompt, acknowledging the importance of science in enhancing human lives. The introduction clearly presents the writer’s stance, and each subsequent paragraph contributes to the discussion of science’s impact on technology and healthcare.
    • How to Improve: While the essay effectively addresses all parts of the question, there is room for improvement in terms of providing a more nuanced exploration of potential counterarguments. Encourage the writer to consider and address opposing viewpoints to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear and fully developed position throughout, stating the writer’s agreement with the idea that science’s chief priority should be to enhance human life. The position is consistently supported and directly relates to the prompt.
    • How to Improve: No specific improvement is needed in this aspect. The essay effectively communicates a strong and consistent standpoint.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed Explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are relevant, fully extended, and well-supported. The writer discusses the influence of technology on entertainment and communication, as well as the positive impacts of scientific research on healthcare. Specific examples, such as the role of COVID-19 vaccines and advancements in cancer treatment, contribute to a comprehensive discussion.
    • How to Improve: The essay excels in presenting, extending, and supporting ideas. However, to enhance the depth of analysis, the writer could consider providing more details on how science impacts other aspects of human life beyond technology and healthcare.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing the importance of science in improving people’s lives. However, there are instances where the connection between technology and healthcare could be more explicitly linked to the broader concept of life improvement.
    • How to Improve: Recommend reinforcing the connection between technological advancements, healthcare benefits, and the overarching theme of improving human life. This will help ensure a more seamless and interconnected discussion.

General Comments:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively supports the writer’s viewpoint. Encourage the inclusion of more nuanced perspectives and strengthen the connections between different aspects of the essay for a more cohesive argument. Overall, it is a well-structured and well-supported response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mostly coherent arrangement of ideas with a clear overall structure. Each paragraph presents distinct arguments: one focusing on technology’s impact on entertainment and communication and another on scientific advancements in healthcare. However, there are occasional lapses in maintaining a consistent logical flow within paragraphs. For instance, the transition between discussing technological devices to the healthcare aspect could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance coherence, consider establishing stronger connections between ideas within and between paragraphs. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the shift in topics, ensuring a more seamless transition from one argument to another.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally effective paragraphing with mostly logical idea sequencing. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, presenting cohesive ideas within their respective sections. However, some paragraphs might benefit from further development and clearer topic sentences to strengthen the coherence within each paragraph.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main point of that section. Ensure that each subsequent sentence within the paragraph contributes directly to that central idea, thereby enhancing the overall coherence within the paragraphs.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay skillfully employs a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("admittedly," "from," "to commence with," "in conclusion") and pronouns ("this," "these"), aiding in maintaining coherence and cohesion. However, while cohesive devices are used, their application might lack consistency, impacting the essay’s overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: Aim for more consistent and varied use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Ensure that these devices not only link sentences but also connect ideas coherently between paragraphs, creating a more seamless progression of arguments.

Overall Feedback and Improvement Suggestions:

  1. Clearer Paragraph Structure: Strengthen each paragraph by starting with a topic sentence that clearly presents the main idea. Develop this idea coherently through supporting sentences to maintain a logical flow within paragraphs.

  2. Enhanced Transitional Phrases: Focus on improving transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through shifts in ideas between paragraphs. This will help to create a smoother transition and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

  3. Consistent Use of Cohesive Devices: Work on consistently integrating cohesive devices throughout the essay. Ensure they are not only used within sentences but also between paragraphs to enhance the coherence and connectivity of ideas.

Improving these aspects will elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion, allowing for a more fluid and structured presentation of arguments, potentially leading to an increased band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with instances such as "proliferation," "ameliorating," "ubiquity," and "advent" showcasing a sophisticated lexicon. However, while the vocabulary is varied, it does not consistently reach the Band 8 level. Some phrases and expressions are relatively common, and there is room for the inclusion of more nuanced and specialized vocabulary to elevate the lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary further, consider incorporating more subject-specific terms and exploring synonyms for frequently used words. For instance, instead of "beneficial outcomes," one could use "salutary consequences" to convey a similar meaning with a higher degree of precision.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally communicates its ideas clearly, but there are instances where the precision of vocabulary usage could be improved. For example, the phrase "boosting human resistance" could be more precisely expressed, perhaps as "enhancing the human immune response." While the essay effectively conveys its message, a more refined choice of words could elevate the precision of expression.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meanings of words and aim for greater accuracy in conveying ideas. Thoroughly review the essay to identify areas where more precise vocabulary can be employed. Consult a thesaurus for alternative words that may better capture the intended nuances.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high standard of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where errors, such as "amelioration" instead of "ameliorating" and "concede" instead of "contend," are present. While these errors are occasional and have minimal impact on communication, a closer review and proofreading can further improve spelling consistency.
    • How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to catch minor spelling errors. Consider seeking feedback from others or using spelling and grammar tools to enhance the accuracy of written expression.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and spelling, but there is room for refinement to achieve a more consistent and precise use of language, aligning with the characteristics of a Band 8 lexical resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a commendable array of sentence structures, incorporating complex sentences, relative clauses, and transitional phrases. There’s evidence of attempts at variation, such as the use of conditional sentences ("Regarding the former… Evidence can be seen in the case of YouTube…"). However, there’s some repetition in structure and a slight tendency towards overly lengthy sentences, which, while grammatically correct, might affect readability.
    • How to improve: To further diversify structures, consider varying the length of sentences for better flow. Aim for a balance between complex and simpler sentences. Introduce different sentence types like exclamatory or imperative sentences where appropriate to add variety and emphasis.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar. However, there are occasional errors that slightly impact clarity. For instance, in "From the healthcare aspect, scientific research exerts many beneficial influences on human life," the use of ‘exerts’ may be more effectively replaced with ‘has.’ Additionally, minor issues like subject-verb agreement lapses ("chatting online is an increasingly prevalent function as people have") occur intermittently.
    • How to improve: Review sentence structures for precision and ensure consistent subject-verb agreement. Consider revising complex sentences to simplify the structure where possible to minimize potential grammatical errors.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally well-implemented, aiding in the essay’s readability and coherence. There are correct uses of commas for clauses ("Admittedly, the technological revolution emerges as one of the most beneficial outcomes of scientific endeavors, vastly influencing various facets of life."), and appropriate punctuation marks throughout enhance the flow.
    • How to improve: Maintain vigilance regarding complex sentence structures to ensure accurate punctuation, particularly in lengthy sentences. Consider using punctuation to create clearer distinctions between ideas within these longer sentences.

The essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation, contributing to its overall coherence and clarity. To enhance further, focus on refining the variety of sentence structures while maintaining grammatical accuracy, especially in complex sentences. Additionally, meticulous proofreading can help address occasional errors and refine the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In view of the widespread advancements in science, the primary focus of scientific endeavors is widely believed to be the enhancement of human lives. I am in complete agreement that improving the quality of life should be the foremost objective of science, given its significant contributions to technology and healthcare.

Undoubtedly, the technological revolution stands out as one of the most advantageous outcomes of scientific pursuits, profoundly impacting various aspects of life. The fundamental need for entertainment is met through the ubiquity of technological devices, such as smartphones and computers. These devices, serving as entertainment tools, contribute to stress relief and relaxation, positively affecting psychological well-being. Illustrations abound, as exemplified by YouTube, a popular social network providing a plethora of content for millions of users daily, offering a source of entertainment and relaxation.

Moreover, from a healthcare perspective, scientific research exerts numerous positive impacts on human life. The primary objective is to safeguard individuals at risk and promote overall well-being, thereby contributing to an increase in life expectancy. A notable example is the development of COVID-19 vaccines, aiming to protect individuals from the potentially hazardous flu virus, effectively enhancing human resistance. Another health-promoting role of scientific advancements is evident in cancer treatment, where the use of analgesics helps alleviate pain, and dietary supplements contribute to enhancing the patient’s well-being. While concerns may arise about vaccine side effects, it is essential to fully endorse the safety measures based on rigorous medical research, ensuring that any potential side effects remain within an acceptable range.

In conclusion, I fully endorse the notion that the primary objective of science is to improve the overall quality of life for humanity. The profound impacts on technology and healthcare underscore the crucial role that science plays in enhancing human well-being, making it imperative to prioritize these objectives in scientific pursuits.

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