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The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The most important aim of science should be to improve people’s lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In light of science’s proliferation, supporting human lives in multifaceted ways is thought to be of paramount importance and should be the goal of science. In my opinion, I agree that the chief priority of science should be to enhance humanity's life due to its enormous contributions to technology and healthcare.
Admittedly, the technological revolution emerges as one of the most beneficial outcomes of scientific endeavors, vastly influencing various facets of life. The foremost rationale is that the ubiquity of technological devices, such as smartphones or computers, may serve individuals’ basic demands for entertainment and connection with others. Regarding the former, the implementation of entertainment appliances, including online games as well as social platforms, is likely to facilitate people to be stress-relieved and relaxed, thereby positively ameliorating their psychological health. Evidence can be seen in the case of YouTube, a popular social network that allows users to post videos with diverse sources of content, therefore, it has millions of people access on a daily basis for entertainment purposes so that they can watch their favorite videos and get relaxation. In terms of communication between individuals, chatting online is an increasingly prevalent function as people have a strong preference for its convenience and efficiency, which can permit one to share information over a long distance.
From the healthcare aspect, scientific research exerts many beneficial influences on human life. To commence with, a variety of inventions in the field of healthcare are conducive to the amelioration of people’s overall well-being and the extension of their life expectancy. This is illustrated by the advent of the COVID-19 vaccines whose primary goal is to protect those potentially exposed to the hazardous flu virus, effectively boosting human resistance. Another health-supporting utility of science is the mitigation of cancer impacts. By way of illustration, the pain during cancer treatment may be reduced due to painkillers, and dietary supplements are likely to foster the patient’s health, thereby making the treatment process easier and the outcomes better. Granted, one might contend that vaccines may have adverse effects, so this scientific initiative is harmful to take. However, this line of reasoning is not sound because the vaccine's safety is based on its medical research and qualifications, hence, its side influences must be at a permissible level or at least warranted for use.
In conclusion, I wholeheartedly concede that the prioritized object of science is to improve the overall life’s quality for humanity.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In light of science’s proliferation" -> "Given the proliferation of science"
    Explanation: "In light of" is a somewhat informal expression. Replacing it with "Given the proliferation of science" maintains formality and precision.

  2. "thought to be of paramount importance" -> "considered paramount"
    Explanation: "Thought to be of paramount importance" can be simplified to "considered paramount" for a more concise and formal expression.

  3. "chief priority of science" -> "primary objective of scientific endeavors"
    Explanation: The phrase "chief priority of science" can be replaced with "primary objective of scientific endeavors" for a more academic and precise description.

  4. "vastly influencing various facets of life" -> "significantly impacting diverse aspects of life"
    Explanation: "Vastly influencing" can be replaced with "significantly impacting" for a more formal and specific term.

  5. "ubiquity of technological devices" -> "prevalence of technological devices"
    Explanation: "Ubiquity" is slightly informal; using "prevalence" maintains formality while conveying a similar meaning.

  6. "serve individuals’ basic demands" -> "address individuals’ fundamental needs"
    Explanation: "Serve individuals’ basic demands" can be replaced with "address individuals’ fundamental needs" for a more formal expression.

  7. "stress-relieved and relaxed" -> "stress-relieved and relaxed"
    Explanation: No change needed.

  8. "positively ameliorating their psychological health" -> "positively enhancing their mental well-being"
    Explanation: Replacing "positively ameliorating their psychological health" with "positively enhancing their mental well-being" maintains formality and precision.

  9. "Evidence can be seen in the case of YouTube" -> "Illustrative evidence is found in the example of YouTube"
    Explanation: "Evidence can be seen" is made more formal by using "Illustrative evidence is found."

  10. "have millions of people access on a daily basis" -> "are accessed by millions of people daily"
    Explanation: "Have millions of people access on a daily basis" can be rephrased as "are accessed by millions of people daily" for improved clarity and formality.

  11. "entertainment purposes so that they can watch their favorite videos and get relaxation" -> "for entertainment purposes, allowing users to watch their favorite videos for relaxation"
    Explanation: This revision provides a clearer structure and enhances formality.

  12. "From the healthcare aspect" -> "From a healthcare perspective"
    Explanation: "From the healthcare aspect" can be replaced with "From a healthcare perspective" for more formal language.

  13. "exerts many beneficial influences on human life" -> "exerts a myriad of beneficial influences on human well-being"
    Explanation: "Exerts many beneficial influences on human life" can be refined to "exerts a myriad of beneficial influences on human well-being" for a more formal and precise expression.

  14. "conducive to the amelioration of people’s overall well-being" -> "conducive to improving people’s overall well-being"
    Explanation: "Conducive to the amelioration of people’s overall well-being" can be replaced with "conducive to improving people’s overall well-being" for better clarity and formality.

  15. "the extension of their life expectancy" -> "the increase of their life expectancy"
    Explanation: "The extension of their life expectancy" can be replaced with "the increase of their life expectancy" for a more formal term.

  16. "health-supporting utility of science" -> "health-promoting aspect of scientific advancements"
    Explanation: "Health-supporting utility of science" can be replaced with "health-promoting aspect of scientific advancements" for greater precision.

  17. "By way of illustration" -> "As an illustration"
    Explanation: "By way of illustration" can be replaced with "As an illustration" for a more formal transition.

  18. "the pain during cancer treatment may be reduced due to painkillers" -> "pain during cancer treatment may be alleviated with the use of painkillers"
    Explanation: "May be reduced due to" can be replaced with "may be alleviated with the use of" for a more formal expression.

  19. "and the outcomes better" -> "and improve the outcomes"
    Explanation: "And the outcomes better" can be refined to "and improve the outcomes" for clarity and formality.

  20. "Granted, one might contend that" -> "However, one might argue that"
    Explanation: "Granted, one might contend that" can be replaced with "However, one might argue that" for a more formal transition.

  21. "its side influences must be at a permissible level" -> "its side effects must be at an acceptable level"
    Explanation: "Side influences" can be replaced with "side effects," and "at a permissible level" can be replaced with "at an acceptable level" for more formal language.

  22. "I wholeheartedly concede" -> "I firmly believe"
    Explanation: "I wholeheartedly concede" can be replaced with "I firmly believe" for a more positive and assertive expression.

  23. "the prioritized object of science" -> "the primary aim of scientific pursuits"
    Explanation: "The prioritized object of science" can be replaced with "the primary aim of scientific pursuits" for a more formal and specific description.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt. It acknowledges the importance of science in improving people’s lives and explicitly states agreement with this perspective. The connection between science, technology, and healthcare is well-established, showcasing a comprehensive understanding of the question.
    • How to improve: While the essay does well in addressing all parts of the question, it could further enhance its depth by considering potential counterarguments and addressing them to provide a more nuanced and balanced perspective.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The author unequivocally agrees with the idea that science’s primary aim should be to enhance human life. This position is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, demonstrating a high level of coherence.
    • How to improve: The clarity of the position is excellent. However, to reach Band 9, the essay could strive to incorporate more nuanced language and explore the complexities of the topic, demonstrating a deeper understanding of the issue.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 9

    • Detailed explanation: The essay excels in presenting, extending, and supporting ideas. Each paragraph is well-developed, with a clear topic sentence, elaboration of ideas, and supporting evidence. The examples provided, such as the impact of technology on entertainment and the positive effects of healthcare innovations, contribute to a thorough and well-supported argument.
    • How to improve: While the essay is strong in its development of ideas, it could benefit from slightly more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to elevate the overall quality of expression.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of science in improving human lives through technology and healthcare. However, there are some instances where the discussion of online communication slightly deviates from the main theme.
    • How to improve: To maintain a higher level of coherence, the essay could tighten its focus on the direct relationship between science and its impact on people’s lives, minimizing tangential discussions.

Overall Feedback:
The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively argues in favor of science’s role in improving human lives. The clarity of the position, well-supported ideas, and adherence to the topic contribute to the overall strength of the response. To elevate the essay to a Band 9 level, consider incorporating more nuanced language, addressing potential counterarguments, and refining sentence structures for added sophistication.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally coherent arrangement of ideas. It starts with a clear introduction that presents the stance on science’s role in improving human lives. Each paragraph follows a logical sequence, discussing technological advancements and healthcare contributions separately. However, within paragraphs, the progression of ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition between discussing technological devices for entertainment and communication is abrupt, lacking a seamless connection.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on smoother transitions between ideas. Consider using transitional phrases to link concepts more effectively. For instance, after discussing entertainment devices, a transition like "Moreover, the evolution of communication technology…" can create a more seamless flow between these related but distinct ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate distinct ideas, contributing to a clear and structured essay layout. Each paragraph discusses a specific aspect of the argument, starting with an introduction that previews the main points. However, the development of ideas within paragraphs could be strengthened. For example, in the second paragraph, the discussion about technological devices could be more coherent if each sub-idea (entertainment and communication) were given separate paragraphs for better clarity.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down each major point into separate paragraphs to maintain clarity and coherence. This will allow for a more focused and organized discussion of each aspect of the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs various cohesive devices, such as transition words (‘admittedly,’ ‘regarding,’ ‘from,’ ‘granted,’ ‘in conclusion’), which help connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the usage could be more consistent and refined. Some transitions are abrupt, affecting the overall flow. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more diverse range of cohesive devices beyond transitional words (e.g., pronouns, synonyms, parallel structures) to create a smoother connection between ideas.
    • How to improve: To elevate the essay’s coherence, ensure the seamless integration of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Practice using a wider variety of cohesive tools beyond transitional phrases, such as pronouns (he, she, it), synonyms (instead of repeating words), or parallel structures (maintaining a consistent sentence structure for related ideas).

Improving coherence and cohesion involves refining the essay’s structural organization, enhancing paragraph development, and employing a wider range of cohesive devices for smoother transitions. Strengthening these aspects will elevate the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a fair range of vocabulary, attempting to cover various aspects of the topic. There’s an effort to introduce varied terminology related to technology (smartphones, computers, online games, social platforms) and healthcare (COVID-19 vaccines, cancer treatment, painkillers, dietary supplements). However, some repetition and limited exploration of nuanced vocabulary hinder the demonstration of an extensive lexical resource. For instance, phrases like "amelioration of people’s overall well-being" could have been substituted with more diverse expressions to demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To improve this aspect, consider incorporating more diverse synonyms and expressions where possible. Explore a broader spectrum of vocabulary related to the essay’s themes, especially in areas where repetitive terms could be replaced with more specific or varied language. For instance, instead of reusing phrases like "health-supporting utility of science," consider alternative terms or phrases that convey a similar meaning but showcase a more extensive vocabulary repertoire.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay communicates ideas clearly but lacks precision in vocabulary usage at certain points. While the overall message is understandable, there are instances where imprecise language hampers the clarity of expression. For instance, phrases like "amelioration of people’s overall well-being" could have been more precisely stated for a clearer and more concise message.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on using more exact and specific terms where possible. Instead of using broad phrases like "beneficial influences," consider more precise wording that directly communicates the intended meaning. Additionally, refine sentences to convey ideas in a more straightforward and precise manner. For example, instead of "the pain during cancer treatment may be reduced due to painkillers," consider specifying the type of pain or the specific relief provided by painkillers to create a more precise narrative.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits generally accurate spelling throughout, with only occasional errors that do not significantly impede comprehension. While there are a few minor errors ("influences" instead of "effects," "concede" instead of "conclude"), these do not substantially hinder understanding.
    • How to improve: Continue to pay attention to detail in spelling, especially in terms that might have similar spellings or different meanings (e.g., influences/effects). Proofreading the essay after completion can help catch these minor spelling errors and further improve accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary and generally correct spelling, there’s room for improvement in precision and diversity of language use. To enhance lexical resource, strive for more varied and precise vocabulary choices, aiming for clarity and conciseness in expression. Additionally, maintaining careful attention to spelling accuracy will further strengthen the overall quality of written expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of complex sentence structures with a satisfactory level of flexibility and accuracy. For instance, the writer effectively employs compound and complex sentences to present nuanced ideas. The use of phrases such as "Admittedly," "Regarding the former," and "In terms of communication between individuals" contributes to the essay’s overall coherence and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To elevate the band score in this aspect, consider integrating a more extensive range of sentence structures. While the essay demonstrates complexity, further experimentation with compound-complex structures or the incorporation of rhetorical devices could enhance the overall richness of expression.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases mostly error-free sentences, with occasional minor errors. Instances of grammatical accuracy are notable, contributing to the overall clarity of communication. For example, the sentence "The foremost rationale is that the ubiquity of technological devices…" is well-constructed and error-free.
    • How to improve: To refine grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. While minor errors are infrequent, ensuring consistent precision in these areas would further elevate the grammatical quality of the essay.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally well-controlled throughout the essay. Commendably, the writer employs a variety of punctuation marks appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence of ideas. For example, the use of commas and colons aids in structuring complex sentences effectively.
    • How to improve: To enhance punctuation skills, focus on maintaining consistent punctuation patterns. While the essay demonstrates proficiency, careful attention to the use of semicolons and dashes could add additional stylistic flair. Ensure that punctuation marks are used deliberately to clarify and emphasize key points.

In summary, the essay performs well in terms of grammatical range and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 7. To further improve, consider incorporating a broader array of sentence structures, refining grammatical precision, and subtly enhancing punctuation usage for added stylistic finesse.

Bài sửa mẫu

In light of the widespread presence of science, emphasizing its role in enhancing human lives is considered crucial and should be the primary objective. I concur that the foremost goal of science should be to better humanity’s quality of life, given its significant impact on technology and healthcare.

Undoubtedly, the technological advancements resulting from scientific pursuits have profoundly affected various aspects of life. The prevalence of devices like smartphones and computers addresses basic entertainment needs and fosters connections among individuals. For instance, platforms such as YouTube, accessed daily by millions, offer diverse content for relaxation and entertainment, contributing positively to mental well-being. Similarly, online communication tools cater to people’s preference for convenient and efficient long-distance interactions.

From a healthcare perspective, scientific research brings forth numerous benefits to human life. Innovations in healthcare significantly contribute to enhancing overall well-being and extending life expectancy. A prime example is the development of vaccines, like those against COVID-19, aimed at safeguarding individuals from potentially harmful viruses, thus bolstering immunity. Additionally, in addressing cancer impacts, pain management through medications and dietary supplements aids in easing treatment and improving outcomes. While concerns about vaccine side effects may arise, these are rigorously researched and monitored to ensure they remain within acceptable limits for safe usage.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that the primary aim of scientific pursuits should indeed revolve around improving the overall quality of human life.

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