You should spend 40 minutes on this task. Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Write at least 250 words.

You should spend 40 minutes on this task.

Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that only small differences between the richest and the poorest members.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Write at least 250 words.

A portion of society interpret that the most optimal solution to a well-satisfied society is to ensure little varies between each class. I completely agree with this statement, for I think closing the gap would reduce injustice and encourage support to the poor.
A point to support my stand is that, if each class allow minimum differences, the poorer ones could thrive. Since the gap from money allow unequal treatment towards social bases to exist, ones that came from a lower class could hardly ultilize their full potential, hence wasting their chance. If we aim for a more balanced treatment towards every individuals regardless of their niche in society, we could reach a better society for all. For instance, people from poorer backgrounds are often treated with indifference even when they take up a noticable porpotion of society, minimize the differences, thus, encouraging equal treatment to all will help them feel better; Repercussionly, these individuals will thrive and engage in supporting the overall economy, ensuring satisfaction. In short, closing the gap leads to equal treatment.
Additionally, encouraging little differences help people feel empathy towards one another, induce them into helping the unlucky. It is a fact that humans feel more empathy for people who have gone through the same experience as them, or at least, close to them. By minimize the gap through each class, we can ensure the poor receive the help and support they deserve. For example, in our current circumstances, most of the time the poor members are ignored and treated with disregard, but if the wealthy feels empathy for their condition, they might lend more help; Thus, allowing all to have an equal chance to thrive, making them satisfied which leads to a happier society. In sum, minimize differences encourage the wealthy to support others.
In conclusion, I completely stand for the proposal that closing the gap between classes, espicially the richest and the poorest, is the most optimal way to ensure a happier society, since minimize their differences support the unluckies and allow them to thrive, thus engage in supporting society more, leading to a happier one.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "A portion of society interpret" -> "Some individuals believe"
   Explanation: "A portion of society interpret" is awkward and unclear. "Some individuals believe" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing, enhancing clarity and formality.

2. "the most optimal solution" -> "the most effective solution"
   Explanation: "Optimal" can imply a mathematical or technical optimum, which may not be the intended meaning here. "Effective" is more commonly used in social and policy contexts to describe solutions that achieve desired outcomes.

3. "well-satisfied society" -> "society with high satisfaction"
   Explanation: "Well-satisfied society" is an awkward and unclear phrase. "Society with high satisfaction" is more precise and formally appropriate.

4. "ensure little varies between each class" -> "minimize differences between classes"
   Explanation: "Ensure little varies" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Minimize differences" is grammatically correct and more precise, fitting the context better.

5. "I completely agree with this statement" -> "I strongly support this assertion"
   Explanation: "Completely agree" is somewhat informal and vague. "Strongly support" is more assertive and academically suitable, and "assertion" is a more formal term than "statement" in this context.

6. "closing the gap would reduce injustice and encourage support to the poor" -> "closing the gap would reduce social injustice and foster support for the disadvantaged"
   Explanation: "Encourage support to the poor" is informal and vague. "Foster support for the disadvantaged" is more precise and formal, and "social injustice" is a more specific term than "injustice" in this context.

7. "the poorer ones could thrive" -> "those from lower socioeconomic backgrounds could thrive"
   Explanation: "The poorer ones" is informal and imprecise. "Those from lower socioeconomic backgrounds" is more specific and formal, aligning better with academic style.

8. "gap from money allow unequal treatment" -> "financial disparities allow unequal treatment"
   Explanation: "Gap from money" is unclear and informal. "Financial disparities" is a precise and formal term that accurately describes the issue.

9. "ultilize their full potential" -> "utilize their full potential"
   Explanation: "Ultilize" is a typographical error. "Utilize" is the correct spelling and is necessary for formal writing.

10. "noticable porpotion" -> "noticeable portion"
    Explanation: "Noticable" is a typographical error. "Noticeable" is the correct spelling, and "portion" should be "portion" for grammatical correctness.

11. "Repercussionly" -> "Consequently"
    Explanation: "Repercussionly" is not a word. "Consequently" is the correct term for indicating a logical result or consequence, fitting the context better.

12. "encouraging little differences help people feel empathy" -> "encouraging minimal differences fosters empathy among people"
    Explanation: "Encouraging little differences help" is awkward and informal. "Encouraging minimal differences fosters" is grammatically correct and more formal, and "among people" is more precise than "people feel empathy".

13. "espicially the richest and the poorest" -> "particularly the wealthiest and the poorest"
    Explanation: "Espicially" is a typographical error. "Particularly" is the correct term, and "wealthiest" is more precise than "richest" in this context, which is more commonly used in formal writing.

14. "minimize their differences support the unluckies" -> "minimizing differences supports the disadvantaged"
    Explanation: "Minimize their differences support the unluckies" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Minimizing differences supports the disadvantaged" corrects these issues and uses more formal vocabulary.

These changes enhance the clarity, formality, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating agreement with the idea that reducing the wealth gap can lead to a happier society. The writer presents reasons for this stance, such as reducing injustice and encouraging support for the poor. However, the essay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the topic. For instance, it could discuss potential counterarguments or the implications of this approach on society as a whole.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, consider acknowledging opposing viewpoints or discussing the complexities of wealth distribution. This could involve mentioning the potential drawbacks of enforcing equality or exploring alternative methods to achieve societal happiness.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The position is generally clear, with the writer consistently advocating for reducing the wealth gap. Phrases like "I completely agree" and "I completely stand for the proposal" reinforce the writer’s stance. However, the essay occasionally lacks clarity due to awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, which can obscure the intended message.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, focus on refining sentence structure and grammar. Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that reiterates the main argument. This will help guide the reader through the essay and reinforce the writer’s position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of empathy and the benefits of equal treatment. However, the development of these ideas is sometimes superficial. For example, the argument about empathy could be expanded with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the point. Additionally, some ideas are repeated without further elaboration, which detracts from the overall depth of the argument.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, incorporate more detailed examples and evidence. Use statistics, studies, or real-world scenarios to support claims. Additionally, avoid redundancy by ensuring that each point adds new information or perspective to the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between wealth disparity and societal happiness. However, there are moments where the connection could be clearer. For instance, the phrase "minimize the differences" is used repetitively without adding new insights, which can distract from the main argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, ensure that each point directly ties back to the central thesis. Avoid repetitive phrases and instead use varied language to express similar ideas. This will help keep the reader engaged and reinforce the essay’s main argument without unnecessary distractions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, improvements in depth, clarity, and coherence could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of minimizing the differences between social classes to create a happier society. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and each paragraph builds on this argument. However, the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph starts with a point but could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly relate back to the thesis. The flow of ideas sometimes feels abrupt, particularly when transitioning between examples and explanations.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that summarize the main point. Additionally, ensure that each example directly supports the point being made, and use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each body paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs are overly long and could be broken down into smaller sections to improve readability. For example, the second body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be more effectively communicated in separate paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Aim for clearer separation of ideas by breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones. Each paragraph should ideally focus on one main idea, supported by examples and explanations. This will help maintain the reader’s attention and make the argument more digestible.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance," "in short," and "in conclusion," which help to connect ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where transitions between sentences and ideas could be smoother. For example, phrases like "thus" and "additionally" are used, but more varied devices could enhance the overall flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "moreover," "furthermore," "consequently," and "on the other hand." This will help to create a more nuanced and fluid connection between ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately; for example, avoid repetitive phrases and vary sentence structures to maintain reader interest.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on the organization of ideas, refining paragraph structure, and enhancing the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "satisfied society," "unequal treatment," and "empathy." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "minimize the differences" and "closing the gap." This limits the overall lexical variety and can detract from the essay’s sophistication.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "minimize the differences," alternatives like "narrow the gap," "reduce disparities," or "bridge the divide" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to social issues, such as "economic inequality," "social stratification," or "wealth disparity," would elevate the lexical quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary choices are appropriate, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the poorer ones could thrive" could be misleading, as "thrive" implies a level of success that may not be attainable without significant structural changes. Additionally, "allow minimum differences" is vague and could be interpreted in various ways.
  • How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision in word choice. Instead of "the poorer ones could thrive," consider saying "individuals from lower socioeconomic backgrounds may have greater opportunities for success." This not only clarifies the intent but also enhances the overall argument. Ensuring that each term accurately reflects the intended meaning will strengthen the essay’s impact.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "ultilize" (should be "utilize"), "noticable" (should be "noticeable"), and "espicially" (should be "especially"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the credibility of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to read through it carefully, focusing on each word. Utilizing spell-check tools or apps can also help identify errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words can enhance overall spelling skills. Engaging in regular writing exercises that emphasize correct spelling will also contribute to improvement.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and improving spelling accuracy—the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "if each class allow minimum differences, the poorer ones could thrive." However, there is a tendency to rely on simpler constructions, which limits the overall variety. The essay also includes some compound sentences, but they often lack sophistication. For example, "In short, closing the gap leads to equal treatment" is straightforward but could be more effectively expressed with varied clauses.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by using subordinating conjunctions (e.g., although, because, since) to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and lengths can create a more engaging rhythm. Practicing sentence transformation exercises can also help in mastering different structures.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "the poorer ones could thrive" should be "the poorer ones could thrive" (subject-verb agreement). The phrase "the gap from money allow unequal treatment" contains a grammatical error; it should be "the gap in wealth allows unequal treatment." Punctuation errors are also present, such as the comma splice in "For instance, people from poorer backgrounds are often treated with indifference even when they take up a noticable porpotion of society, minimize the differences, thus, encouraging equal treatment to all will help them feel better." This could be broken into clearer sentences or properly punctuated.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles (e.g., "the" vs. "a"). Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors and sentence clarity before submission can help catch mistakes. Reading more academic texts can also provide insights into proper grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and some relevant examples, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the quality of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

A portion of society interprets that the most effective solution to create a satisfied society is to ensure that there are only small differences between each class. I strongly support this assertion, as I believe that closing the gap would reduce social injustice and foster support for the disadvantaged.

One point to support my stance is that if each class allows for minimal differences, those from lower socioeconomic backgrounds could thrive. Since financial disparities allow for unequal treatment to exist, individuals from lower classes often struggle to utilize their full potential, thereby wasting valuable opportunities. If we aim for more balanced treatment towards every individual, regardless of their position in society, we could achieve a better environment for all. For instance, people from poorer backgrounds are frequently treated with indifference, even though they represent a noticeable portion of society. By minimizing these differences and encouraging equal treatment for all, we can help them feel valued; consequently, these individuals will thrive and contribute positively to the overall economy, ensuring greater satisfaction.

Additionally, encouraging minimal differences fosters empathy among people, motivating them to assist those who are less fortunate. It is a fact that humans tend to feel more empathy for individuals who have experienced similar challenges. By minimizing the gap between classes, we can ensure that the poor receive the help and support they deserve. For example, in our current circumstances, many poor members of society are often ignored and treated with disregard. However, if the wealthy feel empathy for their condition, they may be more inclined to offer assistance. This would allow everyone an equal chance to thrive, leading to greater satisfaction and ultimately a happier society. In summary, minimizing differences encourages the wealthy to support others.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that closing the gap between classes, especially between the richest and the poorest, is the most effective way to ensure a happier society. By minimizing their differences, we can support the disadvantaged and allow them to thrive, which in turn fosters a more engaged and satisfied society.