You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals; during festival periods, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic.

Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals; during festival periods, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

You should write at least 250 words.

From my perspective, I completely agree with the idea that people misunderstand the meaning of important festivals, people today only focus on enjoying.

All of the first, people, who are selfish, only focus on themselves. They don't know about the historical events, why they don't work or study during the festival periods, or even don't have knowledge about meaning of history. According to a group of reporters, who directly interviewed a group of students in Walk Street, asked about what historical event attached to 30th April and why everyone can leave school, work, and stay at home or go out to entertain. A group of students is confused and don't answer the questions. We can see that people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves and they don't care about things that happened in the past, don't know about where they come from, who they are.

In addition, education and family have not fulfilled its responsibility. When a child has grown up, they must be educated from the smallest, especially history, which is one of the most important things that need to be studied first. According to the mark report of history in Bac Thang Long High School in 2023, up to forty percent of students didn't achieve the average score. The number is too high. It is intricated that the knowledge of students is growing down rapidly. Not only students but also adults. A lot of adults seriously lack historical knowledge.

Besides, understanding history plays a crucial role in our lives. History helps us know about the things that happened in the past, who our ancestors are, and why we have a peaceful life nowadays. For example, during the Tet Lunar New Year in Viet Nam, we have the tradition make Chung Cake, which is an indispensable cake in Tet and is made from sticky rice, beans, and meat; giving lucky money; wishing a Happy New Year, you name it. that is tradition festival, so if misunderstanding history, we will not know about the meaning of this tradition.

Taking everything into consideration, we live in an age when people exalting oneselves over historical values, and that is a harmful thing. We should correct these personalities as soon as possible from now on

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "From my perspective" -> "In my opinion"
   Explanation: "From my perspective" is somewhat informal for academic writing. "In my opinion" is a more formal and commonly used phrase to express personal views in academic contexts.

2. "completely agree with" -> "strongly support"
   Explanation: "Completely agree with" is slightly colloquial. "Strongly support" maintains the assertion while sounding more formal and academic.

3. "important festivals" -> "significant festivals"
   Explanation: "Important festivals" is adequate but "significant festivals" adds a touch of formality and precision to the language.

4. "people today only focus on enjoying" -> "modern society predominantly prioritizes enjoyment"
   Explanation: "People today only focus on enjoying" lacks specificity and formality. "Modern society predominantly prioritizes enjoyment" conveys the same idea more formally and precisely.

5. "All of the first" -> "First of all"
   Explanation: "All of the first" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "First of all" is a standard introductory phrase in formal writing.

6. "who are selfish" -> "who exhibit selfish tendencies"
   Explanation: "Who are selfish" is straightforward but lacks depth. "Who exhibit selfish tendencies" adds nuance and formalizes the expression.

7. "Don’t know about" -> "Are unaware of"
   Explanation: "Don’t know about" is less formal. "Are unaware of" is a more formal alternative that maintains clarity.

8. "interviewed a group of students in Walk Street" -> "interviewed a group of students on Walk Street"
   Explanation: "In Walk Street" is not idiomatic. "On Walk Street" is the correct preposition to use with "interviewed."

9. "confused and don’t answer the questions" -> "are confused and fail to answer the questions"
   Explanation: "Confused and don’t answer the questions" is informal. "Are confused and fail to answer the questions" is more formal and grammatically correct.

10. "people nowadays" -> "contemporary society"
    Explanation: "People nowadays" is somewhat informal. "Contemporary society" is a more formal and precise term for the same concept.

11. "they don’t care about things that happened in the past" -> "they disregard historical events"
    Explanation: "They don’t care about things that happened in the past" is colloquial. "They disregard historical events" is more formal and succinct.

12. "don’t know about where they come from, who they are" -> "lack awareness of their origins and identity"
    Explanation: "Don’t know about where they come from, who they are" is informal. "Lack awareness of their origins and identity" is more formal and conveys the same idea with more precision.

13. "education and family have not fulfilled its responsibility" -> "education and families have failed in their responsibility"
    Explanation: "Education and family have not fulfilled its responsibility" lacks subject-verb agreement and is somewhat informal. "Education and families have failed in their responsibility" corrects the agreement and sounds more formal.

14. "When a child has grown up" -> "As children mature"
    Explanation: "When a child has grown up" is informal. "As children mature" is a more formal and concise alternative.

15. "intricated" -> "intriguing"
    Explanation: "Intricated" is not a standard word. "Intriguing" is a more appropriate term to convey complexity or interest.

16. "is growing down rapidly" -> "is rapidly declining"
    Explanation: "Is growing down rapidly" is awkward and unclear. "Is rapidly declining" is more formal and concise.

17. "not only students but also adults" -> "both students and adults alike"
    Explanation: "Not only students but also adults" is correct but sounds slightly informal. "Both students and adults alike" maintains formality and adds emphasis.

18. "a lot of adults seriously lack historical knowledge" -> "many adults are severely deficient in historical knowledge"
    Explanation: "A lot of adults seriously lack historical knowledge" is somewhat informal. "Many adults are severely deficient in historical knowledge" is more formal and precise.

19. "understanding history plays a crucial role in our lives" -> "comprehending history is indispensable in our lives"
    Explanation: "Understanding history plays a crucial role in our lives" is acceptable but slightly informal. "Comprehending history is indispensable in our lives" maintains formality and adds emphasis.

20. "know about the things that happened in the past" -> "understand past events"
    Explanation: "Know about the things that happened in the past" is informal. "Understand past events" is more formal and concise.

21. "we have the tradition make Chung Cake" -> "we have the tradition of making Chung Cake"
    Explanation: "We have the tradition make Chung Cake" lacks the correct structure. "We have the tradition of making Chung Cake" is grammatically correct and more formal.

22. "you name it. that is tradition festival" -> "you name it; that is part of our traditional festival"
    Explanation: "You name it. that is tradition festival" is unclear and informal. "You name it; that is part of our traditional festival" clarifies the meaning and sounds more formal.

23. "exalting oneselves over" -> "prioritizing oneself over"
    Explanation: "Exalting oneself over" is somewhat informal. "Prioritizing oneself over" maintains formality and precision.

24. "correct these personalities" -> "address these attitudes"
    Explanation: "Correct these personalities" is not idiomatic. "Address these attitudes" is a more appropriate phrase in this context.

25. "as soon as possible from now on" -> "immediately"
    Explanation: "As soon as possible from now on" is redundant. "Immediately" is a more concise and formal alternative.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by agreeing with the statement that people nowadays focus primarily on enjoyment during festivals and forget their true meaning. It briefly mentions this shift in attitude and provides an example of students’ lack of historical knowledge during festival periods. However, the essay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of why this shift has occurred and how it impacts society.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into the reasons behind this shift in festival perceptions and provide more examples or evidence to support the argument. Explaining the broader implications of this trend on culture and societal values would enhance the analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance by agreeing with the idea that people have forgotten the significance of traditional festivals. It clearly states this perspective in the introduction and reiterates it in the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should strengthen its position by expanding on the reasons for this phenomenon and counterarguments, if applicable, to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a few ideas but lacks depth and coherence. It briefly mentions societal selfishness and lack of historical education but does not effectively develop these points or connect them cohesively to support the argument.
  • How to improve: To extend and support ideas, the essay should provide more detailed examples, elaborate on the impact of historical ignorance during festivals, and connect these ideas logically to strengthen the argument and enhance coherence.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally addresses the topic of festival enjoyment versus meaning, it occasionally strays from the main focus. For instance, the essay briefly touches on the educational system without a clear connection to the main argument.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, the essay should maintain a clear focus on the relationship between festival celebrations and historical significance throughout. Avoid introducing unrelated topics or examples that do not directly support the main argument.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear stance on the shift in festival perceptions, it would benefit from a more thorough exploration of the underlying causes and societal implications. To improve, focus on providing detailed examples, deepening the analysis of societal attitudes, and maintaining coherence and relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a basic level of logical organization. It introduces the topic in the introduction, presents two main points in the body paragraphs, and concludes with a summary. However, the progression of ideas within paragraphs and between paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing people’s focus on enjoyment to the responsibility of education and family could be clearer.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main point and transitions smoothly to the next to maintain coherence.
• Use Paragraphs:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for readability. However, some paragraphs lack clear unity and coherence. For example, the paragraph discussing education and family responsibilities could be divided into two separate paragraphs to improve clarity and organization.
  • How to improve: Aim for clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to establish the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph develops a single coherent point, and consider breaking longer paragraphs into shorter ones to improve readability and organization.
• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("they," "we") and conjunctions ("besides," "for example"), to connect ideas. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying cohesive devices and using them more effectively to strengthen coherence. For instance, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and more cohesive devices like transition words and phrases could be utilized.
  • How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices, including transition words (e.g., "furthermore," "however," "consequently") and cohesive phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "in addition to"), to create smoother transitions between ideas. Also, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure they effectively connect and clarify the relationships between sentences and paragraphs.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested strategies, the essay can achieve greater clarity, coherence, and effectiveness in conveying ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "selfish," "historical events," "entertain," "fulfilled," "intricated," "exalting," and more. There is also an attempt to use varied expressions like "from my perspective," "taking everything into consideration," and "as soon as possible from now on," which adds depth to the vocabulary.
  • How to improve: While the essay does utilize a diverse vocabulary, some word choices could be refined for clarity and precision. Instead of "intricated," which might be less common and slightly awkward, using "indicative" or "illustrative" could enhance clarity. Additionally, the phrase "from my perspective" is somewhat redundant, as the essay is already presenting the writer’s viewpoint. Thus, focusing on using precise vocabulary choices and avoiding redundant phrases would further elevate the lexical resource.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with adequate precision. For instance, terms like "selfish," "tradition," and "historical knowledge" are used appropriately to convey specific meanings. However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "don’t have knowledge about meaning of history" could be refined to "lack understanding of historical significance," which would convey the same idea with greater clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for more specific and accurate vocabulary choices. Instead of using broad terms like "things that happened in the past," consider employing more precise terms such as "historical events" or "past occurrences." Similarly, instead of "confused," consider using alternatives like "bewildered" or "perplexed" to convey the intended meaning more precisely.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mixed level of spelling accuracy. While the majority of words are spelled correctly, there are several instances of misspellings and typographical errors. Examples include "Walk Street" instead of "Wall Street," "oneselves" instead of "oneself," and "intricated" instead of "intricate." These errors slightly detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing spell-checking tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors before submission. Additionally, developing a habit of double-checking the spelling of unfamiliar words or phrases can help improve accuracy over time. Engaging in regular reading and writing activities can also strengthen spelling skills and reinforce correct usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and complexity of sentence structures. For instance, there is a tendency to rely heavily on simple sentences, which can hinder the flow of the essay and make it feel repetitive. Additionally, while some complex structures are utilized, they are not consistently applied throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and fluency of the essay, consider incorporating a greater variety of sentence structures. This can include using more complex sentences with subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and participial phrases. Varying the length and structure of sentences will not only improve the flow and coherence of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes throughout the essay that slightly affect the clarity and coherence of the writing. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("A group of students is confused"), tense consistency ("don’t have knowledge about meaning of history"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect usage of semicolons).
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it is essential to review and practice specific grammar rules and punctuation conventions. Focus on areas of weakness such as subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper comma usage. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct any remaining errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to gain insights into areas that need improvement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and a variety of sentence structures, there is still room for improvement in both areas. By incorporating more diverse sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation skills, the essay can achieve a higher band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In my opinion, I strongly support the idea that the true significance of important festivals has been overlooked, with people nowadays predominantly prioritizing enjoyment.

First of all, individuals who exhibit selfish tendencies tend to prioritize themselves over understanding the historical events and cultural significance behind festivals. Many are unaware of why certain periods are marked by festivities and fail to recognize the importance of these occasions. For instance, during interviews conducted with a group of students on Walk Street, when asked about the historical event attached to April 30th and why it warrants time off from school or work, many students were confused and unable to provide answers. This illustrates the prevailing attitude of prioritizing oneself over appreciating the cultural heritage and historical significance associated with festivals.

Moreover, both educational institutions and families have failed in their responsibility to instill a proper understanding of history in individuals from a young age. As children mature, they should be taught the significance of historical events, including those related to festivals. However, it is concerning to note that a significant proportion of students, as evidenced by the history mark report of Bac Thang Long High School in 2023, are failing to grasp essential historical concepts. This decline in historical knowledge is not confined to students alone; many adults also exhibit severe deficiencies in this area.

Furthermore, comprehending history is indispensable in our lives as it provides insight into past events, our origins, and cultural identity. For example, during the Tet Lunar New Year in Vietnam, various traditions such as making Chung Cake, giving lucky money, and exchanging well wishes are deeply rooted in historical and cultural significance. Failure to understand the historical context behind these traditions results in a loss of cultural heritage and identity.

In conclusion, contemporary society’s predominant focus on enjoyment has led to a disregard for historical values and cultural heritage associated with festivals. It is imperative that we address these attitudes immediately to ensure the preservation and appreciation of our cultural heritage for future generations.