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Young people who commit crimes should be treated the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Young people who commit crimes should be treated the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One school of thought holds that young criminals should be given retributions similar to matured offenders. In my opinion, I completely agree with this idea because it confers up several benefits.
On the one hand, it is understandable why some people believe that the same treatment of adults should not be applied to young lawbreakers. The key rationale is that due to their age, they are not mature enough and, thus do not have a full perception of wrongdoings. Treating them with a less severe punishment in a juvenile detention centre is not only the way to encourage them to understand national regulations but also help them to reintegrate into society after committing a crime. Considering these factors, the belief that juveniles should be punished easily seems perfectly justifiable.
On the other hand, I am convinced that punishing young convicts in the same way as adults is more practical. First, it should be noted that many young criminals revert to crime following their release, which means that if governments do not penalize strict punishment, they will not be scared and return to criminal life. This is why, in order to curb recidivism, tough sentences are a must. Second, such implementations also deter other people who generate intentions to disobey law. When they witness tough treatments, they would raise their awareness and the fear of consequences would prevent them. For instance, in Japan,the implementation of stringent penalties has contributed to a significant reduction of such people. This is a testament to the importance of the same adult manner.
In conclusion, while there are justifications that young convicts will gain more benefits if they are treated slightly, I strongly agree with the idea that young criminals should be tried similarly in court to adul


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "One school of thought holds that young criminals should be given retributions similar to matured offenders." -> "One perspective asserts that juvenile offenders should face penalties comparable to those of mature offenders."
    Explanation: Replacing "One school of thought holds" with "One perspective asserts" adds formality to the statement. Additionally, changing "young criminals" to "juvenile offenders" enhances precision and academic tone, while replacing "retributions" with "penalties" maintains clarity.

  2. "In my opinion, I completely agree with this idea because it confers up several benefits." -> "I wholeheartedly endorse this notion due to its numerous advantages."
    Explanation: The phrase "I completely agree with this idea" is simplified to "I wholeheartedly endorse this notion" for a more formal expression. Additionally, replacing "confers up" with "due to" improves the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  3. "On the one hand, it is understandable why some people believe that the same treatment of adults should not be applied to young lawbreakers." -> "Firstly, it is understandable why some argue against applying identical treatment to young lawbreakers as that given to adults."
    Explanation: The revision introduces a more formal transition ("Firstly") and replaces "it is understandable why some people believe" with "some argue against," contributing to a more formal and precise language.

  4. "Treating them with a less severe punishment in a juvenile detention centre is not only the way to encourage them to understand national regulations but also help them to reintegrate into society after committing a crime." -> "Imposing a less severe penalty in a juvenile detention center not only serves as a means to foster their understanding of national regulations but also aids in their societal reintegration following criminal acts."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality by replacing "Treating them with a less severe punishment" with "Imposing a less severe penalty" and by restructuring the sentence for better flow and precision.

  5. "Considering these factors, the belief that juveniles should be punished easily seems perfectly justifiable." -> "In light of these considerations, the contention that juveniles should face lenient penalties appears perfectly justifiable."
    Explanation: The phrase "Considering these factors" is replaced with "In light of these considerations" for a more formal transition. Additionally, "the belief that juveniles should be punished easily" is refined to "the contention that juveniles should face lenient penalties" for increased precision.

  6. "On the other hand, I am convinced that punishing young convicts in the same way as adults is more practical." -> "Conversely, I am convinced that subjecting juvenile convicts to the same legal treatment as adults is more pragmatic."
    Explanation: The revision introduces a formal transition ("Conversely") and replaces "punishing young convicts" with "subjecting juvenile convicts to the same legal treatment," enhancing precision and formality.

  7. "First, it should be noted that many young criminals revert to crime following their release, which means that if governments do not penalize strict punishment, they will not be scared and return to criminal life." -> "First, it is noteworthy that a considerable number of juvenile offenders relapse into criminal behavior upon release. Therefore, without stringent penalties, governments may fail to instill fear, leading to a recurrence of criminal activity."
    Explanation: The revision replaces "it should be noted" with "it is noteworthy" for increased formality. Additionally, "young criminals" is replaced with "juvenile offenders," and the sentence is rephrased for improved precision and academic tone.

  8. "Second, such implementations also deter other people who generate intentions to disobey law." -> "Secondly, these measures also deter individuals contemplating unlawful actions."
    Explanation: The transition is changed to "Secondly" for formality, and "other people who generate intentions to disobey law" is streamlined to "individuals contemplating unlawful actions" for clarity and precision.

  9. "When they witness tough treatments, they would raise their awareness and the fear of consequences would prevent them." -> "Observing severe consequences heightens their awareness, instilling a fear that serves as a deterrent."
    Explanation: The revision improves formality by replacing "When they witness tough treatments, they would raise their awareness" with "Observing severe consequences heightens their awareness." Additionally, the phrase "the fear of consequences would prevent them" is refined for clarity and precision.

  10. "This is a testament to the importance of the same adult manner." -> "This serves as evidence of the significance of treating juveniles in a manner consistent with adults."
    Explanation: The phrase "This is a testament to the importance" is replaced with "This serves as evidence of the significance" for a more formal expression. Additionally, "the same adult manner" is modified to "treating juveniles in a manner consistent with adults" for increased clarity and precision.

  11. "In conclusion, while there are justifications that young convicts will gain more benefits if they are treated slightly, I strongly agree with the idea that young criminals should be tried similarly in court to adul" -> "In conclusion, despite arguments suggesting that slight leniency benefits young convicts, I firmly advocate for trying young offenders in court similarly to adults."
    Explanation: The revision introduces a more formal transition ("In conclusion"), replaces "justifications" with "arguments," and refines the statement for clarity and precision. Additionally, "young criminals" is changed to "young offenders," and the sentence is completed for completeness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "On the one hand, it is understandable why some people believe that the same treatment of adults should not be applied to young lawbreakers. The key rationale is that due to their age, they are not mature enough and, thus do not have a full perception of wrongdoings. Treating them with a less severe punishment in a juvenile detention centre is not only the way to encourage them to understand national regulations but also help them to reintegrate into society after committing a crime. Considering these factors, the belief that juveniles should be punished easily seems perfectly justifiable."

    • Explanation and Improvement suggestions: Your introduction effectively presents the counter-argument, highlighting the perspective that young offenders need a different approach due to their immaturity. However, the explanation lacks depth. It would be beneficial to provide specific examples or scenarios illustrating how a less severe punishment facilitates understanding of regulations and aids reintegration into society. This would strengthen your position and make your argument more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "While some argue that young offenders, due to their age and immaturity, may not fully grasp the consequences of their actions, implementing a less severe punishment, such as placement in a juvenile detention center, can be a crucial step. For instance, by offering rehabilitative programs within these centers, young offenders can not only understand national regulations but also acquire essential life skills that contribute to their successful reintegration into society."
  2. Quoted text: "In conclusion, while there are justifications that young convicts will gain more benefits if they are treated slightly, I strongly agree with the idea that young criminals should be tried similarly in court to adul"

    • Explanation and Improvement suggestions: Your conclusion is abrupt and lacks a recap of your main points. It’s essential to summarize your stance and key supporting arguments. Additionally, the last sentence is incomplete and lacks clarity. Provide a clear restatement of your position and a concise summary of your main reasons.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, despite the arguments for leniency, I firmly advocate for treating young criminals akin to adults in court. The stringent approach not only addresses the issue of recidivism but also serves as a deterrent for potential offenders. By maintaining a consistent and firm legal stance for both age groups, societies can foster a sense of accountability and discourage criminal activities among the youth."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay manages to present both sides of the argument but lacks a consistent progression in ideas. The introduction sets the stage but could have clearer transitions between ideas. There’s an attempt to organize paragraphs around distinct viewpoints, yet the connection between them isn’t always seamless. Cohesion within sentences is attempted, but there are instances of faulty or mechanical usage of cohesive devices. Paragraphing is present but lacks a consistent logic in organization.

How to Improve:

  1. Work on better transitions between ideas within and between paragraphs for a smoother flow of arguments.
  2. Ensure cohesive devices are used more effectively and naturally to connect ideas.
  3. Focus on more logical and structured paragraphing to enhance the clarity of thought progression.
  4. Expand on each viewpoint with specific examples or evidence to strengthen the arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision in conveying ideas. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The essay also shows some errors in word choice and spelling but does not significantly impede communication.

The essay effectively presents arguments both in favor of and against treating young criminals the same as adults. It uses a variety of vocabulary to express ideas, and there is an attempt to convey precise meanings. Some less common lexical items are skillfully employed, contributing to the overall fluency and flexibility of language.

However, there are occasional errors in word choice, such as the phrase "Treating them with a less severe punishment in a juvenile detention center," where the word "with" may be better replaced by "imposing" or "administering." Additionally, there are minor spelling errors, as seen in "retributions" (should be "retribution") and "matured" (should be "mature"). These errors, while noticeable, do not significantly hinder the reader’s comprehension.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and achieve a higher band score, the essay writer should aim for more precision in word choice and strive to eliminate minor errors in spelling. Consider incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, especially when expressing complex ideas. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word choice before finalizing the essay would help eliminate occasional inaccuracies.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation, making it eligible for a Band 7. The writer effectively uses a variety of complex structures, and the majority of sentences are error-free. There is a consistent attempt at complex sentence forms, contributing to a varied and sophisticated range of structures. Although there are a few errors, they do not significantly impede communication. For instance, there is an incomplete sentence towards the end: "I strongly agree with the idea that young criminals should be tried similarly in court to adul." This is a noticeable error but does not distort the overall meaning of the essay.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, the writer should pay attention to the completion of sentences. In the concluding statement, it is crucial to provide a complete thought to avoid leaving the reader with a sense of incompleteness. Additionally, a careful proofreading to catch minor errors, like typos or missing words, would contribute to a more polished and refined essay. The writer may also consider incorporating more complex sentence structures to elevate the overall sophistication of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

One perspective asserts that juvenile offenders should face penalties comparable to those of mature offenders. I wholeheartedly endorse this notion due to its numerous advantages.

On one hand, it’s understandable why some argue against applying identical treatment to young lawbreakers as that given to adults. The key rationale is that due to their age, they lack maturity and may not fully grasp the extent of their wrongdoings. Imposing a less severe penalty in a juvenile detention center not only serves as a means to foster their understanding of national regulations but also aids in their societal reintegration following criminal acts. Considering these factors, the contention that juveniles should face lenient penalties appears perfectly justifiable.

Conversely, I am convinced that subjecting juvenile convicts to the same legal treatment as adults is more pragmatic. Firstly, it’s noteworthy that a considerable number of juvenile offenders relapse into criminal behavior upon release. Therefore, without stringent penalties, governments may fail to instill fear, leading to a recurrence of criminal activity. Secondly, these measures also deter individuals contemplating unlawful actions. Observing severe consequences heightens their awareness, instilling a fear that serves as a deterrent. This serves as evidence of the significance of treating juveniles in a manner consistent with adults.

In conclusion, despite arguments suggesting that slight leniency benefits young convicts, I firmly advocate for trying young offenders in court similarly to adults.

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